friends

[mooro]

Friends! Oh dear, I've got myself into a right mess and I don't know what to do about it, so thought I'd ask you peeps some advice!

 

Five months ago now, I met a girl ten years younger than me. Within a week of meetng her, I spent a month out of the U.K. , but we spoke every day on the telephone. Then I returned to the U.K. and we started seeing each other but she was VERY unreliable and I suspected she was probably seeing somebody else ( which turned out to be true ). She rather callously then stopped talking to me for three weeks than rang, talking as though nothing had ever happened. As she is only twenty, I put her behaviour down to her age and relaxed and allowed her to become my friend again.

 

At this point I should clarify a couple of things. I am a 30yo family physician. This girl is reatively uneducated and believe me, has a horrendous life story so far. She has many debts, and has been reckless in many other areas of her life. But by spending time with her I can see so much potential. She says things that only people I consider to be intelligent and enlightened can say. None of my friends like this girl, they consider her cheap and "good for nothing".

 

Over recent weeks I have started to really care for her, and she is flirty with me. We have never had sex. She often stays over though, and we cuddle as she falls asleep. She calls me EVERY day, and usually wants to see me at least every day. Through me, she has decided to go back to college, to continue her education. She is very tactile with me. She has recently talked about moving into my flat. We never really talked about the initial incident when she met the other guy as I was happy to put it down to her age.

 

The last few days though I have begun to get unhappy with this situation. In many ways she relates to me exactly as she would with a boyfriend, but without the physical or committment part. I decided to talk to her about this last night. She has said before, and repeated last night, that she just doesn't want a boyfriend. She then also says she really cares about me and would be jealous if I started seeing somebody new! I did point out that that was extemely unfair of her. She then said that she felt "everything would work out in the end". I then suggested a break from seeing each other, so that I could get my feelings in order and that we could just be friends. She was very upset at this, saying she didn't see the need and that nothing woud change because of a break anyway. She said she wants me to go away with her to visit family in South America at Xmas.

 

 

Basically she wants things to contiunue exactly as they are, and says she wouldn't being seeing me all the time if she didn't think we had a future together.I am left totally confused. I must say say at this stage of life, I never envisaged me meeting a gril so much younger than me, and less me ever geting emotionally involved like I am. I do think I have fallen in love with her, but I wonder how many of these feelings are tied up in my need to "care for" her.She is very needy, though likes to play the independent type to the outside world.

 

If I look at things objectively, this relationship is going nowhere. Unfortunately I don't feel too objective at the moment and feel a real fool. I know she cares for me- she came back to me once and now is desperate to maintain the status quo. I need more than just being friends from a women I am in effect dating steadily. But I told her last night that I also doubted, whether long term, this relationship was a good idea, when she had so much to experince and she replied "that the age difference wouldn't matter if I become your girlfriend". Her words. She also said that if she wanted a boyfriend "she would definately be thinking of me".

 

So peeps, what do I do? Sit it out, playing the advice giving older friend in the hope that one day something happens, or do what I expect is the decent thing for both of us and break it all off? (a move I know will hurt both of us)?).

 

Life is an ironic experince isn't it : I spend my whole professional life giving advice to people but haven't got a clue as to how to sort out my own problems!

 

thanks,

 

mooro x

[Tony T]

There is nothing good that will come out of this. The girl is keeping you on a string because you are a doctor and you can be of some good to her in the future. She comes from the streets so she has street smarts that you don't have. Most physicians are very naive so you would not detect that she was using you and she knows it. She will say just about anything to keep you hanging on. She has told you she doesn't want a boyfriend...but, translated, she doesn't want YOU for a boyfriend. Why would you even want to waste your time with her if she doesn't want more than an affection buddy.

 

I will say there are many 20-year-olds who would jump at the chance to fall madly in love with a 30-year-old doctor and love him everymore. That's why I find it so puzzling that you would waste your time with an uneducated street child, with little class, who you want to help get straight with the world. You have enough helping to do in your profession without the stress of doing the same in your personal life. She sounds like a real flake, but who is savy enough to jerk you around emotionally and financially in ways you have never dreamed of.

 

Let this girl go. You have absolutely nothing to gain in the relationship you currently have with her. She will take and take and give only hope and promises she has no intention of keeping. She has had to do many things in her life to survive so she will be a master at knowing exactly what to do to keep you dangling and right there for her.

 

For some reason, I fear that you are only attracted to this type of girl...one who needs to use you in some one-sided way and one who will suck the blood out of you and then turn you out to the snakes. Take some time from your medical practice to explore why you would consent to a relationship with a lady who doesn't want to be your boyfriend, who is not interested in satisfying any of your needs and who seeks to see other guys.

 

Right now, YOU are the only one who is satisfying your needs in this situation. You are giving to yourself in your mind things that don't actually exist. I also don't see any benefit to a relationship with this lady in the future either. You are getting no sexual stimulation now and it could be years before you get intellectual stimulation. Again, any good that may be coming from this is coming to you from you in your own mind.

 

Go find a nice lady who has much more to offer and with whom you REALLY have things in common. You will be much happier. If I were a single medical doctor such as yourself, I would have my pick of most any lady in all of Great Britain. You can too!!! Don't sell yourself short on a lady who really doesn't care about you...but who is willing to spend her energy fooling you and leading you on for whatever benefits she can suck out of you. And without giving much in return...what a piece of work she is!!!

[midori]

Hi Mooro,

 

The first and biggest thing I think you should bear in mind is that getting into a relationship with someone on the basis of what they could or should be someday -- once they grow up, or once they clean up, or once they see how great you are -- is a recipe for disaster. Regardless of what you believe her potential is, the only thing you know for sure about her is what she is now: Undependable. Irresponsible. Not wanting a boyfriend, but perfectly happy to use you as a confidant and companion.

 

She might be intelligent, and have many other qualities that have or will emerge as you get to know her, and as she grows up. But that doesn't change the fact that she is in no way ready to be even a casual girlfriend. You're clearly looking for far more than this girl is able to give.

 

She's very young. She's from a troubled background and therefore has many more things to sort out than other girls her age do. I'm sure you're a source of comfort and strength for her, and it sounds like you see yourself as a guide and support to her while she grows up and comes into her own.

 

But what if she never grows up? Just because she has the potential to be an accomplished, happy, stable person doesn't mean that she will be. Or maybe it won't happen for another 10-15 years. You can wait around for her, let her drain you, but you may well end up with nothing to show for it.

 

Even if you two do become romantically involved, and even if she does mature and settle down a bit, you may find that as she finally becomes the person you always believed she could be, she'll feel that she has outgrown you.

 

I could go on and on about the likelihood of stifling resentment, and the perils of believing someone can change when they don't believe it themselves (nor do they see the need for change). I've outlined them and will leave you to ponder them if you wish. I have been there though. It never turns out they way you imagine it will.

 

Why do you want to get bogged down with a messed up girl? You've surely got enough things in your life without taking on the burden of her. You might want to ask yourself if this clearly flawed and vulnerable girl is appealing, in part, because she doesn't make you insecure about yourself. I'm just guessing there. But since there's no sex, and she's a lot of hassle, I don't quite see what the intrinsic appeal is.

 

Lastly, this girl may not be deliberately or consciously using you. But she is using you. My guess is that she's not attracted to you. She's not allowing herself to see that she's using you for emotional support (and possibly other things as well?), that's why she strictly maintains that she doesn't want a boyfriend.

 

I'm not joining your friends' chorus. I'm not suggesting that she's not "good enough" for you. She's just nowhere near ready for you, or anyone like you. I think it comes down to this: would you be happy just being an older brother-type of friend, supporting her when she needs it and receiving in return bright smiles with "thanks Mooro, you're the best!" as she skips along her merry way? If not then I think you need to pull out of this situation.

[Reckless]

Oh dear - look what you get when 'feelings' come before good old common sense - thinking with your heart can get you in all sorts of trouble. Fortunately you have the world wide web to cast some light on the situation and maybe give your intelligence a chance to help you out and 'out' my dear man is the operative word. You should get out and fast.

 

In your favor you have only known this girl five months - new enough to make a clean break before five difficult months becomes five messy, heart broken, painful expensive years. Yes, five months there is a chance.

 

So what have we got, a sensible, articulate educated man and an 'unreliable' 'callous' (your words not mine), immature, needy, reckless (okay I know my handle, let's stick to the point at hand), mixed up, irresponsible, emotional (and I suspect sexual) tease. A woman who is quite happily stringing a man along, telling him she doesn't 'want a boyfriend' while keeping him on a short, sexually frustrating reign entangling him emotionally and denying him the chance to go out and find love and fulfillment elsewhere.

 

A woman with whom you don't communicate affectively, your conversations leaving old issues unresolved and you feeling confused. A woman about whom, even at this early stage you have serious doubts, with whom you have an unbalanced relationship, not because of her lack of education but because the balance of power is totally with her.

 

Is she intelligent? You bet your backside she is, she's leading you by the nose and will be in your flat letting you 'look after her' while considering if she wants you 'as a boyfriend' before you can say 'are we a couple?'. She has played you like a violin - who knows maybe you like it. Maybe there are positive things you've not brought out in your post but from what I see you get the muddy side of the stick and if you want to poke your own eye out in the hope that this selfish, immature manipulative woman may grow into something more, so be it.

 

R.

[Kova]

for your sake DO NOT let her move into your flat. She will more than likely move her boyfriend in shortly after and YOU wil be evicted and still owe the rent!