I've been faking it. Should I tell my cheat BF just to hurt him as much as he hurt me

[hokypoky]

I'm 24 and I recently found out that my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me on a drunken night out with his mates while I was out of the country. I haven't had time to think about our relationship and what I should do - but we have been talking through things and I do still love him but don't think I can ever look at him the same way or trust him again. He tells me he wants to marry me and make me happy again. What hurts me the most is that he had to do it so soon and that he didn't tell me about it: I found out by looking through his computer (which I shouldn't have done). I seriously thought that I would be spending the rest of my life with this man - now I can't help feeling sick when I look at him.

 

Throughout our relationship, even though the sex has been good - I consistently faked my orgasms. I've never told him about this and I've always felt guilty about it. In a way, I feel like telling him because a) it would hurt him as much as he's hurt me and b) I want to be completely honest with him if we're really going to give this relationship a go.

 

Should I tell him?

[Tony T]

Telling him this would only show your immaturity and would destroy your relationship...since both of you would then be disappointed with the other. The way relationships are saved is with understanding, compromise, kindness, consideration, respect and the high road. The fact that you want to "get back" at him indicates you may very well not be ready for a relationship with anybody. Successful relationships do not have contained in them this kind of attitude.

 

Change your thinking now, forgive, forget and go forward! If you don't, you cannot stay with this man.

[hokypoky]

I see what you're saying Tony - but I don't think relationships have contained in them the attitude to lie, cheat and think you can get away with it either. He has completely disrespected me and has made me lose all dignity. I want him to know what that feels like and for him to understand what he's put me through. Hence, in order to continue this relationship there has to be a foundation of trust and honesty.

 

The relationship has almost come to an end because of dishonesty. If he would have been honest and just told me that he'd cheated straight out, things would have been a lot different now.

 

If he's going to be dishonest - then I'm going to be honest. I really have been faking my orgasms. It's not a lie just to get back at him.

[whichwayisup]

If he's going to be dishonest - then I'm going to be honest. I really have been faking my orgasms. It's not a lie just to get back at him.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Anyway, it's obvious that you two are not fit to be together, if you had to fake all your orgasms along the way, you've been lying too. Why couldn't you tell back then that he wasn't doing it for you? Why fake it?

 

Just break up with him. Fact is, he makes you sick now, so what is the point of purposely hurting him? I think telling him you know he's cheated on you, and that you want out of the relationship will hurt him enough.

 

Then, go NC and live your life.

[Lyssa]

If he's going to be dishonest - then I'm going to be honest. I really have been faking my orgasms. It's not a lie just to get back at him.

 

So that was why you were dishonest with him about your orgasms, cause he was honest before that?

 

Maybe he knew you faked all along and that was why he cheated on you. He probably wanted to know how real orgasm feels like?

[Cobra_X30]

So that was why you were dishonest with him about your orgasms, cause he was honest before that?

 

Maybe he knew you faked all along and that was why he cheated on you. He probably wanted to know how real orgasm feels like?

 

Thats a little on the harsh side Lyssa!

 

I think deep down we all have a desire to make things even and balanced when we get hurt like this.

 

I dont think its a good idea to be honest for revenge. Be honest to get him to perform better!

[Lyssa]

Thats a little on the harsh side Lyssa!

 

Honestly, I wasn't trying to sound harsh! That was what happened to my friend. She faked it and BF found out, got back at her by sleeping with someone else!! She started doing other silly stupid things back at him. It's just wrong on so many levels to get back at one another like that.

 

OP, I'm sorry if that came out harsh - really wasn't my intention!

 

I dont think its a good idea to be honest for revenge. Be honest to get him to perform better!

 

That would be better, yes!

[Cobra_X30]

Honestly, I wasn't trying to sound harsh! That was what happened to my friend. She faked it and BF found out, got back at her by sleeping with someone else!! She started doing other silly stupid things back at him. It's just wrong on so many levels to get back at one another like that.

 

OP, I'm sorry if that came out harsh - really wasn't my intention!

 

That would be better, yes!

 

I'm sorry. At this point I should have known what you meant! I was just thinking back and I couldnt remember a point where you were intentionally mean. In fact I've seen you defend some really dumb people.

 

I apologize, you are one of, if not the nicest person on LS!

[Lyssa]

I'm sorry. At this point I should have known what you meant! I was just thinking back and I couldnt remember a point where you were intentionally mean. In fact I've seen you defend some really dumb people.

 

Uh-oh... does that make dumb too??

 

I apologize, you are one of, if not the nicest person on LS!

 

No need to apologise!! When I read back, people might take it as I am being harsh. Please!! You're nice too so there is a lot of nice people here. Well, in the minority though!

[hokypoky]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for all your help and advice - it's just that I had no problem with him not making me orgasm with penetrative sex, as he made me orgasm in a whole lot of other ways. I was just doing it sometimes (not all) when we were having actual intercourse. It never bothered me that I couldn't do it - I just didn't give it a chance most of the times. I didn't give him the chance. Kind of gave up on the idea of it happening through penetrative sex. And it made me feel guilty that I was lying to him like that.

 

The reason I want to tell him now is so that he can feel the humiliation, betrayal, disrespect and loss of dignity that he made me feel when I found out he'd slept with someone else. Then, maybe he can understand what it feels like and hopefully never put either of us through that experience again.

 

On that note, do you guys thinks a relationship can survive this kind of betrayal? The one-night stand that my boyfriend committed? Do you know of couples who have survived something like this?

[EnigmasMuse]

The reason I want to tell him now is so that he can feel the humiliation, betrayal, disrespect and loss of dignity that he made me feel when I found out he'd slept with someone else. Then, maybe he can understand what it feels like and hopefully never put either of us through that experience again.

 

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. You can tell him but it doesn't mean it would make a difference.

 

 

 

On that note, do you guys thinks a relationship can survive this kind of betrayal? The one-night stand that my boyfriend committed? Do you know of couples who have survived something like this?

 

I'm sure there have been some that survived it. Although you did state you lost trust, so its something that is going to have to be worked on by the both of you if you really want things to work out.

 

if you feel you wont be able to trust him, it might be best to just let him go and move on.

[Cobra_X30]

Uh-oh... does that make dumb too??

 

No that makes you compassionate.

[Lyssa]

On that note, do you guys thinks a relationship can survive this kind of betrayal? The one-night stand that my boyfriend committed? Do you know of couples who have survived something like this?

 

There are those that have survived it and forgot all about it but there are those who will always have it at the back of their minds what their partners did. The latter, I would avoid so as for what I would do? I would let it go because I know I can never trust that person again. I know I wouldn't be able to go back to how it was. I may live in a fantasy world or whatever you want to call it but I do not cheat and I expect the same from my partner. If you can't do that, then do commit yourself to me. I always make sure guys I date know that upfront. Saves me the time, you know.

[hokypoky]

Yeah, I know. But no matter how perfectly clear you make it - and I absolutely definitely did before and during the relationship that cheating is completely unacceptable- that made no difference whatsoever. You just never ever know when it's going to happen to you. It can happen in the most perfect of relationships.

 

I've always believed all men cheat. Out of the 3 or 4 relationships I've had - I either found out later that the guy was already committed or I knew going into the relationship that he already had a girlfriend. Whenever that did happen, I knew what I was getting myself into. That doesn't make it right, in any way. My parents have cheated, my uncles and aunts have cheated, my friends have cheated, the men I've been out with have cheated. I have this mentality that it's unavoidable - even if there are the rare few relationships that never have to experience it. What I'm driving at is that all throughout our relationship, I was expecting it and bracing myself for it. That is not a healthy way to engage in a relationship and I'm afraid that somehow on some level - my constantly doubting him, eventually led him to do it.

 

I can't imagine my life without him. But right now - he needs to experience life without me and figure out what he really wants.

[Lyssa]

Yeah, I know. But no matter how perfectly clear you make it - and I absolutely definitely did before and during the relationship that cheating is completely unacceptable- that made no difference whatsoever. You just never ever know when it's going to happen to you. It can happen in the most perfect of relationships.

 

You're right. I have been cheated on - twice out of 3 relationships I had. I am even more careful now. I can't expect everyone else to be like me or vice versa but for me, if I sensed that my guy is cheating on me - that's it. I'll tell him to leave.

[hokypoky]

If I had a friend in the same situation as me I would give her the exact same advice as you're giving me now. And if I'd ever been in a relationship where I was cheated on I thought I would react so differently to how I am now.

 

Everything was so absolutely perfect with this man - I seriously thought that we'd spend the rest of our lives together, even if I did think he would inevitably cheat on me. I thought I loved him so much that we could get past it. And the whole thing is a lot more complicated than it may seem from the outside. It's never as simple as he cheated - now move on. If I go out with another man he'll definitely be second best for me and that's what my boyfriend is saying about me. I don't want to settle for second best. Is it worth spending my life and my youth looking for that one man who won't cheat on me when hardly anyone in my life has proved to be that people don't cheat? Or is it more worth it to work on something that has been so great and still has the potential to be fantastic.

 

I don't think I can be absolute about this - you say to continue the relationship only if you know you can put it behind you and trust him again. I can't know that unless I at least give it a try - spend some time with him, see if things can at least return to some degree of normality and then take it from there. Ok, fine, I may waste a few months prolonging the inevitable break-up - but I think I would feel better with myself knowing that we at least tried and we didn't give up on such an amaing relationship after the first rough patch we've ever gone through.

 

I have this feeling that this sort of thing can make the relationship stronger. I used to put this guy up on a pedestal thinking he was perfect and all I wanted to do was spend time with him. This made my work suffer and my family started to worry about me - that my priorities are all skewed. I can see where they're coming from - but really in honesty, it wasn't all that bad. As in, my friends hadn't really noticed a difference - they just saw that I was incredibly happy. Anyway, what I'm saying is, that after something like this, if we can indeed survive it, the whole experience will have made me a lot more grounded. He won't be this perfect person to me - and no one ever should be in a relationship, because then you truly lose all sense of reality - and I will be a lot more grounded and realistic about everything. People are flawed and relationships are flawed. It's not always rainbows and roses - and things like these happen to test us as people.

 

It may sound like I'm trying to convince myself that everything is going to be ok. What I am really saying, is that right now, I think we both need to try to see if we can be friends and take it from there. If the hate subsides and the love is still there, then it was meant to be. And we can go on learning what we've learned about eachother and about relationships having vowed to be open and honest with eachother. If the hate doesn't subside and I ultimately cannot trust him when we're sat there having coffee together. Then I can't lie to myself. It will be over.

 

But I need to at least try.

[Lyssa]

If you feel you can give it another try then by all means, do so HP.

 

Only you know what's going on and how your relationship is like.

 

I wish you all the best and hang in there!!

 

Keep posting if you feel the need...

[hokypoky]

Thanks, I'll keep you posted. What does HP mean?

[Lyssa]

Thanks, I'll keep you posted. What does HP mean?

 

HokyPoky, sweetie!!

[hokypoky]

haha - ooooooooh, just cos everyone on here uses abbreviations like LDR, OW, R, H and stuff like that. I thought it was one of those!

[MrsHellnoFire]

Well If you do decide to create a life with this man, you cannot go on for 20+ years faking orgasms. I think you should tell him the truth. Write a letter.

If someone did cheat on me, I think I definitely would get angry enough to pour that info out onto him though. He seems more concerned with satisfying his own needs with multiple women so this info should bring his ego and self-centeredness down a notch. He needs to be more concerned about pleasing you and not himself with a slew of women around town.

I would just let this out.. why feel guilty over faking it when he's done this to you anyways? Time to start off with a clean slate and no secrets.

[dbtmarley]

By using my algebra skills I have concluded that we have two of the nicest people at LS right here in this thread.

[LaChatteNoire]

That is not a healthy way to engage in a relationship and I'm afraid that somehow on some level - my constantly doubting him, eventually led him to do it.

 

It isn't healthy to think that all men/women cheat at some point, because they don't. I don't think that your constantly doubting him led him to do anything. Whatever he did was his choice and he knew that there might be consequences. Being drunk is not an excuse. You being out of the country is a good excuse for him to do something while you can't keep an eye on him. Maybe he's been wanting to and jumped at the chance to cheat while he could. I was cheated on in the 3rd year of my 5 year relationship with my ex. It wasn't worth the extra 2 years. The relationship did not get better, and even with talking to him/trying to mend the relationship, I stayed suspicious and resentful. I'm not saying that you can't get through it, but it's just the worst feeling to always have that in the back of your mind.

 

For your question, I wouldn't advise that you tell him that you fake your orgasms sometimes. There's no point in telling him just to get back at him if you want the relationship to continue. And really there's no point in telling him anything, he cheated and he should just be out of your life. If you want to get back at him, leave him. Stay gone... and find someone that respects you.

[jj2007]

 

Should I tell him?

 

I think you should have told him after you faked the first time that way you could both figure out ways to please each other. But, you didn't so that is entirely up to you. If you want a better sex life be honest.

 

As far as the cheating- I know exactly what you are going through and It really sucks. If you feel like you want to work through this go for it. In my case, my H is doing all the things I need him to do to try to earn my trust back but it will probably always be at the back of my mind. I know my H was capable of doing it once so there is always the possibility he could do it again but I am staying because I do love him and I feel like we can work through it. It is your call. It all depends on how you feel and if you feel like you could trust him again.

I wish you the best of luck and hugs for the long road ahead.