I want to make it work!

[CeazPk]

Please Help!

I don't know where to start, but I will try my best. My girlfriend and I have been going out for just about 2 years. We have known each other for 3 years prioror to our relationship. We are both in the industry that requires us to be apart for long periods of time. Last time it was just about 6 months. Well, that was the only time we were that long apart. We are both are in the Merchant Marine. I would like to say that I really screwed up and have said things to her that I really shouldn't. Actually it was done on both ends, but I should be blamed for most of it, and I admit that. I know I was wrong. But to make a long story short... I love my girl with all my heart and I am really sorry for what I have said and what I have done, I told her that. I have never cheated on her and never will, because she means a lot, truelly a lot. But I got her upset at me to the point where she doesn't know what she wants to do. She tells me that she doesn't know what to feel about me and that she is confused. I want to fix all that, I want to change my ways and have a better relationship with her. I told her that, and all she is saying is that she wants "time off". I am leaving to get on ship in a couple of days for another 4 months and I don't know what to do anymore. I love her and she knows that and tells me that she loves me with all her heart, I want to see her, but she doesn't know. I asked her for one chance, to show me one glimer of hope that we can have this relatioship continue, and she said that she doesn't think she has it in her. I do realize now ( I hope it is not too late ) how much she did for me and how she made my life a lot brighter. And she really did a lot for me. I was blind not to see it. Please, if you can help. I really love her with all my heart and I don't want to loose her. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

[Tony T]

What you have written is what men go through every hour of every day of the week everywhere on earth. They treat their women like crap and then one day the woman has had enough and that's it. I'm not saying you don't have a chance of getting her back here but most sane women will only take so much and then they will shut off their love valve and stick to it....period!

 

You can't dishonor, abuse or otherwise hurt someone you love over time and expect them to just jump for joy when you tell them they are willing to change. She probably warned you dozens of times that you needed to do that. Let me tell you something about women...copy and paste this and put it on your computer screen. Most women will only take so much crap...and once their crap bucket is filled they move on emotionally and it's hell to get back in their lives.

 

When you tell them you are going to make all these changes they've been asking for all this time, they simply don't believe you can do it or will even try. And since they've turned off to you emotionally, they often don't even care if you turn into a saint at that point. Most of these women have been there before with other guys...and the guys changed for a while....and went back to their old selves. They remember these experiences and judge the current moment by that.

 

All you can do now is back off, give her some space, and let her know that when she is ready you will be there. Then move on with your life and do a good job in the Merchant Marines.

 

My bet, also, is that she's getting a lot of tough advice from her fellow workers. She also knows that there's probably somebody who will treat her lots better out there and she wants to test the waters...pardon the pun.

 

You're only chance is just to remain low and wait for her to make the next move. The more you pressure her, the more she will move away....trust me on that!!!

[CeazPk]

Thank you for the reply. I feel that I havn't made everything clear. I would like though to say that your post explained a lot. I really hate to face the reality that obviously I am one of "those". But things were going "fine" with her till just about 2 months ago. She got ticked off that I said no to one thing that she wanted me to do. I didn't think too much of it at the time. Prioror to that I was, and I really would like to think that I was, ( I am trying not to say the wrong thing or send the wrong image) "good". I mean we did things that the other one liked even though the other didn't. I really did do a lot of things for her as she did for me. I am really coming to a conclusion that maybe I was just not "good" enough. But in either case as I was saying, everything changed when I said "no" to one thing. Because I felt strongly about it. Then from that time on she told me couple of harsh things and I responded with "pissed off" mood. And then she responded with even harsher words. To make it short...it all rolled down hill. Getting somewhat worst. All that was done through e-mail. And I know it is not the best medium to exchange thoughts and feeling. Some of the things said got misinterpreted. I think you get the picture. I got to the point that I wasn't sure if I want to see her when she comes back. But I decided that I do and wanted to talk and try to figure things out. I really thought that we could. And all I got out of it, is that I didn't do that one thing that she wanted. I tried to talk to her about that since I figured that maybe we can resolve it. It didn't happen. Then she started to talk about all the things that I didn't do. Which I thought we already talk about and settled before hand. Now at the same time I am not trying to say that I am a saint or the best guy out there. But I am just confused at this point. She tells me that she doesn't want to loose me and she doesn't want all this nonsense to continue. Yet at the same time when I say that we should meet and talk to work together to figure out what really went wrong and try to find solution, no matter how long it will take, she tells me that she is not sure if she wants to see me, or that she doesn't know if it she has it in her to try. I really don't know what is going on. I don't want to loose her and I do want to give her space. But how much more space can I give her. I havn't seen her for 6 months, now I won't see her for at least 4 months. E-mail were sporadic cause there is not that much to talk about on both sides when we are working. So I maybe I am not getting it, but how much more space she needs.

[Tony T]

If you were actually good to her but failed to do ONE thing she wanted and she has gotten pissed at you for all time, she's got serious problems. I think she may have some serious problems and this may be a sign that she is not a person you want to be with forever.

 

This is all pretty confusing to me. However, the two of you are apart way too much to have anykind of fulfilling relationship anyway. Relationships that are conducted over email, IMs, etc. are very unfulling and lonely.

 

I don't know what to tell you. As long as you're in the Merchant Marines, you may have a tough time finding a lady who will put up with your being gone so much...unless you work on the same ship most of the time.

 

If your service offers counselling, why don't you talk to a therapist about this and see if you can come up with some strategies for your life...and for handling this particular problem.