Update - 11 months now

[Stampy]

I thought I'd provide an update. I havent been on here since April and its so good to see that so many of the people that gave me advice are still on here doing so for others. Good for you - Gunny, LJ etc.. Now that I've passed a busy time at work, I'll try to contribute more advice, but wont be as good as those who have been on here a long time.

 

The "counseling" I had on here was the most helpful part of my "recovery".

 

Anyhow, my original thread was http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111633

 

Looking back, in April, I was pretty cloudy-minded but was moving on. I had explained to the STBXW that I wanted no contact other than one-way communication. Because of the back and forth of our kids, and typical kids issues, we need to communicate (via email and text). I have only spoken to her on the phone twice since she left and both related to potential medical emergencies with our kids. The fact that I wont speak to her on the phone drives her crazy and she still calls me all the time, regarding issues like the need for me to bring something for the kids to daycare, or that sort of thing. She justs leaves messages. She says she understands my desire for NC, but her actions dont reflect her words.

 

Anyhow, we've settled all our financial things, I had a good late spring and summer with the kids and actually had a great summer party-wise. There was some communication back and forth with the STBXW and I slipped a bit and once in a while I talked with her about the kids - new words being said by our son, how cute something our daughter did was, etc.. But for the most part, I didnt have anything substantial to say to her.

 

In June she suddenly emailed me and asked me if I was still willing to talk. I replied (admittedly arrogantly) and said "still willing" means I was willing in the first place. She had told me months before that we had never talked and there were still things she wanted to say to me. I took this as wanting to unload guilt and I wasnt interested. So I said (to the June request) that I'm not interested in the least with having you say some things to me. Didnt hear from her for 2 weeks after that.

 

My next issue was that she wasnt signing the separation agreement. I wont talk #'s but I had paid a substantial amount of money to her, admittedly less than she may have received if we went to court, but this was money for her share in our house, my business, and me taking over joint debt. I always feel like I paid her a substantial amount of money to cheat on me and then leave me. Nice.

 

Anyhow, she told me in mid to late August, in her own words, that she was still thinking of things. (She said that she doesnt know why she hasnt signed the Agreement, because usually she signs these things right away). I said, well I want this signed but if you're saying what I think you are saying, then here are 4 pre-conditions before I'll even start talking to you, one of which is that she has to admit what she did (she always claims that she looked to the OM only because our relationship was failing). Anyhow, she said she needed time to think about that and i havent heard anything on that since.

 

I have been pestering her to sign the Sep Agreement, primarily to cover my own butt, because its not until she signs that the financial split is confirmed. I admittedly throw the odd barb at her by saying "you told me you only took 2-3 weeks to think about leaving me, why would it take longer to sign this agreement". Yes, I slip up once in a while.

 

She then tells me in Sept that she quit her company - dont forget that the OM worked there as well, and he had quit in June or so. I had heard through the grapevine that he and his STBXW were attempting to reconcile but wasnt too bothered so didnt pursue further. Anyhow, my X got a new job starting today (Nov 1) and took the month of October off to think about things and spend more time with our kids.

 

Pretty standard month. Still no sep agreement signed. She said she booked an appointment with someone but couldnt get in until Oct 31 - she would sign then (by the way, it still hasnt been signed).

 

But anyhow, last weekend was hers with the kids. She asked me to cover both nights. I agreed. I shouldnt have as it was obviously a good night to hit the bar scene (yes I am 36 but still do this on occasion) but thats my fault for not checking the calendar when I agreed to cover for her.

 

Anyhow, sunday morning rolls around. I had agreed to let her come by at 9:30. I assumed she was out of town - bad on me for assuming. She texted me to say she was heading for groceries (keeping in mind she had sat off) and would be by at 9:30. I told her that she was really taking the piss and being unfair to the kids to make them wait around for her, as I would have already taken the kids out. Maybe this was too harsh from me, but the response was like a nuclear bomb went off. She came to my place and bitched at me at the door about me sending her nasty texts (she since, to her credit, apologized for doing this) and then monday she started sending me extremely lengthy emails about how we handle the kids, how we treat each other etc.. (I should note that I told her that when the kids are in my house I care from them as I want, and that she should let me do so, rather than her suggestion that we have to have joint plans).

 

Admittedly I got angry and told her (via email) that I had hoped she would use the month to sort her brain out and that clearly she didnt. (I still dont know why she went so crazy from one text, but I must have hit a nerve of guilt I guess).

 

She then tells me that she feels very guilty about the way our relationship ended (The OM had a text found by his wife and kicked him out, and then my STBXW came home and abruptly announced that we should separate, much to my shock and surprise, and of course, pain - my X of course says nothing happened between her and OM until after she left me). Guilty about how the relationship ended but not that she left me - went on to say how our relationship had really gone downhill etc..

 

Having so little communication with her over the months, I was surprised at the bad feelings this new level of communication sprouted inside me - just having this argument again. It felt like i was back at the beginning again.

 

Throughout the summer, she was often very angry. She would send me very angry emails about a myriad of issues, most of which I ignored and didnt respond to. I finally asked her why she was so angry given that everything about her now is there by her own choice. Anyhow, back to this week, she tells me in an email how happy she is now, how she feels more like herself than she has for years, and the kicker, she is still with the OM (I thought the OM was back with his W). This was a kick in the groin, but was surprised that I recovered from it within a day or so, probably because of being very busy at work.

 

I wrote her the next day and just explained (again) why I want NC. I said some harsh things that I had learned about her, and my decision going forward is to stay away from her. She actually thanked me for the email (though it must have been hard for her to read) (some of it was about what I learned on this forum - that she just did what so many others have done) and said she would respect my wishes. Sure enough the next day, there was still 2 long emails sent to me asking about all sorts of things to do with the kids etc.. I wrote her back and just said you said you'd respect my wishes but you arent doing so.

 

Anyhow, thats where we are. I have no questions, but I always appreciate comments. Sorry for the length of this - I'm wordy.

[Stampy]

computer was acting up. I have alerted the site about my double post - please reply to this one and hopefully they will delete the other posting. Sorry - my bad.

[sumdude]

NC is all fine and well ... but when you have kids both of you are going to have to find a new decent co parenting relationship and the communication that requires. I defer to those who have divorced and have kids on that one.

 

You're still mad as heck about it all and it's stewing in you. I know the feeling... I like NC because it keeps ME from going off on my ex for no good reason at this point as well as the fact that I got pretty sick and tired for taking all the heat and blame for everything under the sun from her. Does me no good, does her no good and in your case does the kids no good.

 

 

As far as her anger ... who knows...

[Stampy]

I think/hope that the anger within me was only brought back up to the surface this week because of the large amount of emails sent to me by the x. As mentioned, after all this NC (apart from dealing with the kids), dealing with emotional issues again brought it all back up to the surface.

[Ladyjane14]

I think if it was me... I'd play nice in the sandbox until I had the paperwork signed, sealed, and delivered. Then, I'd out the STBX to OM's wife just for sh*ts and giggles.

 

Listen Stampy, Sumdude's right. You have to deal with this nonsense for now. But, it's not forever. Gird your loins and do what you need to do for a little while longer. Look at is as an actor playing a role. It means nothing to your inner self.

 

Check out the last few pages of Mike1966's thread in Second Chances.

[Stampy]

Argh. The X has turned around and is actually granting my wish of extremely minimal contact - particularly this week. I had reminded her a couple times that her emails were just too long - I accept that this is an insult, but I didnt know how else to make my point.

 

Anyhow, an update - she says she has a meeting with a lawyer next week to go over our Separation Agreement. She was supposed to have this meeting on Oct 31. My lip will start bleeding, I'm biting it so hard waiting for her to sign up.

[Darth Vader]

Argh. The X has turned around and is actually granting my wish of extremely minimal contact - particularly this week. I had reminded her a couple times that her emails were just too long - I accept that this is an insult, but I didnt know how else to make my point.

 

Anyhow, an update - she says she has a meeting with a lawyer next week to go over our Separation Agreement. She was supposed to have this meeting on Oct 31. My lip will start bleeding, I'm biting it so hard waiting for her to sign up.

 

 

Why don't you just file for divorce and end this thing? You know she's racking up the debt on ya. Contact a men's rights lawyer and have her pay for her debt, at the same time go for sole custody of the children!

[GreenEyedLady]

Why don't you just file for divorce and end this thing?

 

I agree...At least if you file for D if she doesn't sign after a certain amount of time, it is just granted as uncontested...And if she doesn't sign and she files for D, then you might have to pay her 1/2 of everything, without taking account what you already paid her...Depends if she's that type of person...

 

Does a Separation Agreement turn into a Divorce agreement after awhile? I am wondering why you just want her to file separation papers and not divorce? Sorry, just being curious...You don't have to answer if you feel I'm being nosy...Just say MYOB...

[Gunny376]

Your the man on the ground ~ and I'm sure there are other considerations that you obviously wouldn't won't to bring to the forefront in an open fourm, but if it were me?

 

I'd file for divorce. You cannot fully commit to moving on with your life until you've put this to rest. Nor can the children. And its obvious your wife can't or won't.

 

IMHO she's blackmailing your "emotionally" and by not signing she's in control of the situation and your life to some extent ~ more or less!

 

And while complete and total NC isn't possible because the two of you have chldren together ~ I honestly don't see why that can't be handle via texting, e-mail and the occassional phone call.

 

Were it me? I'd be telling her except for the chidlren? She really doesn't have anything to contact me about, and I could care less how her life is going, what's she's doing, how her life is going, what her problems are, if she's up or down.

 

The deal is? She's screwed up "big-time" and now her happy azz can't go forward (with the OM) and she can't go back to you without owning up to the affair, the deciet and the lies.

 

The reason she's angry? The guilt of the affair is eating her alive! She's not angry with you ~ she's angry with herself. She's screwed up and she knows it!

 

File for divorce and have her served! And, I'm willing to bet next month's retirement check that you'll see a big change in her one way of the other!

 

I'll further wager three more month's worth that she'll be on the "horn" if not over at your place within minutes of having been served.

 

The OM is up to his neck in his own problems with his STBXW, her lawyers, his lawyers, his children, his job, ~ and by the time he gets done paying bills, child support (minimum 25% of gross income with two children) taxes, its all going to add up to more than that old boy makes.

 

The sex and affair might have been all well and good ~ it always is when you're not the one that's toting the note. But the last thing he needs in life is another PO'd wife with a ready-made family. Especailly when they're still young?!

 

And I'm willing to bet he's not even heard about the "X-wife/husband trap" and how they can make the OM or new husband's/wife's life Hell.

 

The way I see it? You're sitting in the "cat-bird's" seat.

 

File for divorce, and either this thing will turn around for you or you'll be free of it.

 

Either way? You win. That may take a couple years or more ~ depends upon how the deck is shuffled, and how you play your hand.

 

But I do know this much for sure and certain! You're mid-thirties. My best friend? Age 48 is laying in a hospital bed at his parent's house, given two more weeks to live. He's a vegetable from brain cancer. Its terminal ~ hospice has been called in ~ we're taking a collection up at work so his folks (mid to late 70's) can hire someone to come in a look after him).

 

The time to get serious about your life is right here and right now! Life's too freaking short to be spending with a woman (or man) that treats you this way, and behaves this way!

 

My single greatest regret in life? Not knowing back in the day what I know now ~ and having wasted 18-1/2 years with not one, but two women and only having memories to show for it! Such a waste.

 

LIFE'S TOO DAMN SHORT TO BE SPENDING WITH A MAN OR WOMAN THAT YOU HAVE TO BEG THEM TO LET YOU LOVE THEM!

[Stampy]

Thanks for that advice, great as always.

 

On the NC, we only contact through email, no phone, at my request. However even emails can get my emotions racing - hence my continued request for less communication, which I admit is insulting, but it gets my point across.

 

On the reason for the separation agreement, up here you cant proceed with divorce until you've been separated 12 months. There's no legal reason for the Separation Agreement, but yes if you sign it then all the actual divorce does is sever the legal tie of marriage. The separation agreement takes care of everything. Also, if you have kids and dont have a sep agreement, the two of you have to attend a "parenting after separation" course together.

 

The X did file a Divorce claim in an interesting way, but was pissed off about it. She had hired a lawyer in March to review the Sep Agreement and the lawyer IMHO saw that there was some money at play and got the X all worked up about things and went and filed a claim without my X's consent, so the X fired her (the lawyer). When one year passes, I will be admitting service on that claim (I have never been served despite repeated requests - but will go myself and get a copy from the court house) and will complete the Request for Divorce papers myself.

 

On a note - as to fighting divorces - I am a lawyer, as is the X, and I have paid $0 in legal fees so far. Admittedly, I was able to do certain things myself, like prepare and file the documents to officially get her off title to my house, and release her interest in my business etc. (she did sign that stuff because she wouldnt get the $ until she did). But my point is that these situations are very very emotional and painful - I certainly was and am in pain over it all - but divorce law is very simple in any province or state that is no-fault. Nothing depressed me more than seeing a couple split and get into a bad fight who has built up equity in a house or other assets, which will essentially just go to the lawyers fees. Just my thoughts there.

 

I will keep everyone posted as to whether the Sep Agreement gets signed this week. Perhaps Gunny would wager another months' $ that she wont!

 

Great advice about getting on with life. Sorry to hear about your friend. As I was saying to a friend this week who was a work colleague thats just been given 3 months to live, no matter what happens, there really is always someone who has it worse that you.

[Darth Vader]

Point is, just don't let her just drag her feet, she knows she's doing it, call her on it!

[Stampy]

Well, its friday night and I just put my youngest to bed. No I did not get a Separation Agreement signed this week. Nor was there any mention of it, because I told the x that I should only have to email her once per week, except for emergencies and things that just cant wait.

 

I sent her an email at the end of the day telling her that I owe myself $1 million (CDN - which is $1,070,000.00 USD). I also let her know that I served myself with the divorce claim - I ordered it from the Court House - that I only disagreed with a few very minor points and that I will prepare the documents to finalize the divorce. Also, that its up to her whether she signs, but I will proceed unilaterally if need be as I wont wait a bunch of months for her to sign, as has been the case with the Sep Agreement.

 

We'll see if Gunny's wager pays off. Its sort of a depressing step of course, but no point hanging around, just for fear of the sadness of that step. It felt good to serve myself with the claim.

[Gunny376]

Well, its friday night and I just put my youngest to bed. No I did not get a Separation Agreement signed this week. Nor was there any mention of it, because I told the x that I should only have to email her once per week, except for emergencies and things that just cant wait.

 

I sent her an email at the end of the day telling her that I owe myself $1 million (CDN - which is $1,070,000.00 USD). I also let her know that I served myself with the divorce claim - I ordered it from the Court House - that I only disagreed with a few very minor points and that I will prepare the documents to finalize the divorce. Also, that its up to her whether she signs, but I will proceed unilaterally if need be as I wont wait a bunch of months for her to sign, as has been the case with the Sep Agreement.

 

We'll see if Gunny's wager pays off. Its sort of a depressing step of course, but no point hanging around, just for fear of the sadness of that step. It felt good to serve myself with the claim.

''

 

Way too "Man-Up!

 

I'm told that women find men that display initative and deciviness very appealing!

 

One way or the other? You'll get some reaction out of her ~ which is better than this limbo-hell that you've been dealing with all of these months.

 

It put you back in the driver's seat of your life. It put you back in control of your life ~ and come Hell or high water? You'll be able to move on with your life ~ one way or the other. Now you can make some forward progess and at least score a first down?!

[ilmw]

Wow... ballsy! Way to go man...

 

And... once again.. Gunny hits it on the head!

[Stampy]

So the x's reaction to my email was...nothing.

 

Didnt hear from her all weekend which wasnt entirely unusual, but I was waiting for a "whammo" email when I arrived at work. Nothing.

 

Very strange. It is certainly possible that she didnt get the email yet, but that would be very unusual, in fact likely unprecedented. But it could be the case - such as she stayed away from her house the whole weekend or something like that.

 

Weird.

[Darth Vader]

Well, its friday night and I just put my youngest to bed. No I did not get a Separation Agreement signed this week. Nor was there any mention of it, because I told the x that I should only have to email her once per week, except for emergencies and things that just cant wait.

 

I sent her an email at the end of the day telling her that I owe myself $1 million (CDN - which is $1,070,000.00 USD). I also let her know that I served myself with the divorce claim - I ordered it from the Court House - that I only disagreed with a few very minor points and that I will prepare the documents to finalize the divorce. Also, that its up to her whether she signs, but I will proceed unilaterally if need be as I wont wait a bunch of months for her to sign, as has been the case with the Sep Agreement.

 

We'll see if Gunny's wager pays off. Its sort of a depressing step of course, but no point hanging around, just for fear of the sadness of that step. It felt good to serve myself with the claim.

 

 

Serving yourself with a divorce claim? What is that? It makes me think of someone holding themselves hostage with a gun saying "don't come any closer, or I'll shoot!":eek:

 

But, good move!

[Stampy]

haha. That gave me a good chuckle. Well I couldnt file for divorce, as she had already done so in March. But she hadnt served me. Here the claim expires if not served within one year. And here I was sitting back with no control, just asking the x to sign the sep agreement and serve me with the divorce claim, so I ordered a copy and served myself. Seems weird, but got the process moving.

 

But I agree it seems strange.

[Darth Vader]

haha. That gave me a good chuckle. Well I couldnt file for divorce, as she had already done so in March. But she hadnt served me. Here the claim expires if not served within one year. And here I was sitting back with no control, just asking the x to sign the sep agreement and serve me with the divorce claim, so I ordered a copy and served myself. Seems weird, but got the process moving.

 

But I agree it seems strange.

 

 

She's probably thinking, "Oh you're good, real good!" She's pissed now for sure!

[Gunny376]

What you done my good friend? (Nodding to the barkeep for another double round of twelve year old Scotch whiskey as I speak) is taken back control of your life!

 

Congraulations! You've just officially gotten "maned up!" and gotten your "b*** back!

 

That was me? I could give a damn about who the wife was/is scroggin' Yadda~Yadda, I didn't do this, and I didn't do that, I should have done this, and I should have done that?

 

I would have moved "Heaven and Earth" to have saved my marriage.

 

Back then? I didn't know about the differences betweem men and women's communitions? I didn't know about

"in-direct" speech that women use.

 

You want me to change? S-P-E-L-L it OUT to me!

 

Explain it to me like I'm a four year old!

 

At least give me a freaking clue!

 

I'm reading all this stuff ~ about women ~ and their perspective ~ and it just blows me away!

[Stampy]

Update - I did get an email from her today - shes balking a bit but says she'll sign the papers, just confused with the process. Caught myself texting her too much about my daughter's ski lessons.