MM Promises

[GreenEyedLady]

And then there are the MM who make the promises and then go about keeping them...It just takes a little time and alot of patience...

 

But when he's serious, you'll KNOW...

[nadiaj2727]

And then there are the MM who make the promises and then go about keeping them...It just takes a little time and alot of patience...

 

GreenEyedLady -- Is your MM one of these MMs? What has he been doing to keep his promises? How do you know when they are keeping their promises?

[GreenEyedLady]

And then there are the MM who make the promises and then go about keeping them...It just takes a little time and alot of patience...

 

GreenEyedLady -- Is your MM one of these MMs? What has he been doing to keep his promises? How do you know when they are keeping their promises?

 

Yes, he is...

 

He actually does what he says he is going to do...And our R is a team effort...We both are compromising to ensure that it is successful...

 

You will know when he is committed to YOUR R...On seeing it through, on nurturing it...And most of all, putting YOUR needs first...I can't fully explain it, but you just know...

[nadiaj2727]

Oh okay. I thought you meant he had filed for divorce or something. Now I understand what you mean, it's a feeling. Yeah you have to trust your instincts sometimes. Glad your situation is working out for you!!

[GreenEyedLady]

Oh okay. I thought you meant he had filed for divorce or something. Now I understand what you mean, it's a feeling. Yeah you have to trust your instincts sometimes. Glad your situation is working out for you!!

 

It'll happen...

 

And I'm glad that it's working out, too...Or I would have missed out on so very much...

[nadiaj2727]

OK keep us posted. It will be nice to hear a happy ending to one of our stories!! Congrats.

[GreenEyedLady]

OK keep us posted. It will be nice to hear a happy ending to one of our stories!! Congrats.

 

No congratulations, yet!

 

And even when it does happen, I don't need the congrats...I'm sorry that we couldn't have started out differently...But the past is the past...

 

And there'll be hard times at first...At least we'll have each other...

[OWoman]

But when he's serious, you'll KNOW...

 

Yes. My MM is so proud of me in his life, and shows it in so many ways, from the obvious (like having photos of me all over his office walls, on his computer desktop, etc) to the subtle (referring to me as his partner in arb conversations with others, but referring to his W by her first name).

 

I've never asked for promises, but the commitment is there, and and we're moving steadily towards resolution.

[MotoMan]

Good points all!

Pay less attention to what he says, and watch what he does. What he says is often thinking out loud. As a formerly MM, I meant what I said to my OW, but it took time to bring the actions about. D was recently finalized.

[OWoman]

Good points all!

Pay less attention to what he says, and watch what he does. What he says is often thinking out loud. As a formerly MM, I meant what I said to my OW, but it took time to bring the actions about. D was recently finalized.

 

congrats, MM - and strength for the post-D adjustment and whatever comes next.

 

Thanks for sharing this - makes a nice change from the "all MMs are b******s" sentiments that sometimes bubble up.

[frannie]

Good points all!

Pay less attention to what he says, and watch what he does. What he says is often thinking out loud. As a formerly MM, I meant what I said to my OW, but it took time to bring the actions about. D was recently finalized.

 

And are you with your OW now..?

[Babybird]

I have read frequently that MM promised this, and promised that....And a lot of responses from those of us not in affairs saying that they are liars, they will say anything to string you along, get in your pants, whatever.

 

But I really think that the MM mean it at the time. That they actually believe what they are saying at the moment that they are saying it. I don't find it so unbelievable that some even feel a little bound by those promises - but often know that they can't and probably shouldn't have said those things.

 

Am I alone in this view?

 

I think they mean what they say at the time DEPENDING on the man. If he is one of the MM that really is only out for a POA then No he probably doesn't mean it. If they truly believe they love you, then even if it takes a little time, I think eventually they will back it up.

 

My MM promised me he would leave and I believed him. I had a date in my mind(which he didn't know about) and if he hadn't left by then....we were history. I didn't get the opportunity to see if he would back up this promise because his W was having an A and gave him the boot to be with the OM. This was almost a month before my date.

 

He has followed through with everything he promised when he was M and now that we are together. So like I said it depends on the man.

[Nixson]

Hello ladies. I'm an xMM of someone who is a member here (now BF). It would be a surprise for her if she found out I am now posting on Loveshack. She's been telling me about this forum and at first, I didn't like the idea of her frequenting this forum as it will only influence her into thinking that I wouldn't leave my xW but I also understand that she needs some sort of support from OW who is/was in her situation.

 

I have been looking around and this thread what captured my eyes the most. MM Promises. As far as I know, from the beginning of my involvement with my GF (former OW), I didn't promise her anything. Nothing at all. I don't think making promises to someone you love while married to someone else is a wise thing to do but deep in my heart, I never make a promise I can't keep. I promised to myself that I will get this divorce over with and I did. It was the best feeling ever to hear and see her reaction when I told her of the news.

 

Most men make promises they can't keep. Why do they do that? They don't want to lose the one they love BUT by doing so most men don't see that that will make them lose the one they love even more. All I can say now is that I am making the woman I love very deeply happy and I will continue in doing that and so much more. Relationships like ours take time to materialize but when it does happen, it's all worth it. The pain and waiting that you went through -- it's all worth it.

[PoshPrincess]

Some mean them and stand by them, as we have seen here, some mean them at the time and some don't mean them at all but use their promises as a means to getting what they want. It all comes down to the individual. I DO believe my exMM meant the things he said to me at the time - he totally believed we would be together - but he didn't consider the implications and really wasn't looking at things realistically. Love doesn't always conquer all. Maybe one day but I am no longer holding my breath!

 

BTW, great to see there are some MM on here who had the courage of their convictions!

[nadiaj2727]

Hi Nixson, thanks for sharing your viewpoint/ experience. I have a question for you. If you didn't make your OW any promises, what did she think was the nature of the relationship? Did she think you were going to stay married to your W? Did she think it was just a fling? Or did she think you were unhappy and wanted out, but you never specifically told her you were getting out?

 

I find your situation very interested because although we all get mad at MM for making promises, I guess the opposite is him NOT making promises and admitting "I'm married, you're the OW", which we also get mad at. I guess there's no way for a "good" MM to win (by good I mean an MM who says and means that he's in love with OW and wants to be with her, as opposed to the stereotypical "bad" MM who either says "I'm not going anywhere" or lies and says that he is, and then doesnt), except, what I've come to realize is the honorable thing to do, which is getting out of his M with W (or at least taking steps to do so... moving out, filing for D, etc.) and THEN letting OW know the extent of his feelings and showing her by his actions as well as his words that he wants to be with her for good.

 

It sounds like you took a path that was more honorable than a lot of MM. (Not that other MM don't mean well... I guess it just kind of happens that way). I am really interested in the specifics of your situation for curiosity's sake, b/c something I've been pondering is, what SHOULD two people do when they really love each other and want to be together and at least one is genuinely unhappily married? I guess I've been thinking, what is the most honorable thing to do in such a situation? Sometimes I thhink there is no honorable thing to do because it starts out in such a negative way. But in situations like yours, it works out.

[White Flower]

Hello ladies. I'm an xMM of someone who is a member here (now BF). It would be a surprise for her if she found out I am now posting on Loveshack. She's been telling me about this forum and at first, I didn't like the idea of her frequenting this forum as it will only influence her into thinking that I wouldn't leave my xW but I also understand that she needs some sort of support from OW who is/was in her situation.

 

I have been looking around and this thread what captured my eyes the most. MM Promises. As far as I know, from the beginning of my involvement with my GF (former OW), I didn't promise her anything. Nothing at all. I don't think making promises to someone you love while married to someone else is a wise thing to do but deep in my heart, I never make a promise I can't keep. I promised to myself that I will get this divorce over with and I did. It was the best feeling ever to hear and see her reaction when I told her of the news.

 

Most men make promises they can't keep. Why do they do that? They don't want to lose the one they love BUT by doing so most men don't see that that will make them lose the one they love even more. All I can say now is that I am making the woman I love very deeply happy and I will continue in doing that and so much more. Relationships like ours take time to materialize but when it does happen, it's all worth it. The pain and waiting that you went through -- it's all worth it.

 

It is wonderful to see you here and that you have followed your heart. I just wonder what the percentage is of MM leaving the W for the OW? Who knows.

My MM felt as you did and doesn't like me checking out this sight probably because he thinks I will become discouraged. The truth is, I have. It seems that you are one of the very few who isn't a "cake-eater". I'm not saying my MM is, but I cannot deny that he couldn't be either. I am happy that it worked out for you and your GF. Good luck.

[Nixson]

Hi Nadia. Your one question seemed to be more than one! In the beginning, I'm pretty sure she thought nothing of it. We got along well -- we met online. At the time, I wasn't looking for anything serious from any woman. I chatted with a lot of women online because that was the safest route. You meet thousands of people online from all over the world. Chances of meeting up were slim. So when I met her, I didn't tell her I was married, I thought then why should I if it wasn't going anywhere.

 

More and more that we spent time together talking about ourselves and other things, I fell in love with a woman I have always wanted but never crossed path with. I may sound like a typical male but I don't use that line on any woman. She didn't have any expectations either because of the distance.

 

When she found out I was married, she didn't want anything to do with me but I just couldn't see my life without her so after a while of no contact, I emailed her. Long story short -- we kept it going. Here's the thing -- my previous marriage has ended (so to speak) way before I met her. I have been thinking of leaving the marriage. In fact, both xW and I have been talking about divorcing twice but it just didn't materialize due to both of us making peace with whatever that was going on (more like NOTHING went on) in our marriage. Obviously my GF thought it was just a fling but I know it was more than that. I just had to prove to her it was more than just a fling. When she visited me, it was then I told her how serious I am about her and wanted more out of our relationship.

 

When we discussed it, she didn't pressure me nor forced me into divorcing my xW. She thought it would be best to leave the decision to me and wise of me to actually divorce my xW because it wasn't working out anymore and not because of her.

 

My GF is young but it amazes me with the way she takes it and thinks about this whole situation. Like I mentioned earlier, frequenting a forum like this had made her feel discouraged but now, it's a whole different story! I love her tremendously and I want to live my life with her with everyone else around me. It wasn't a hard decision for me to do.

 

By the way, when a man says he no longer has sex at home -- it's true.

[whichwayisup]

Not all MM are like you and do the right thing if they truely have fallen inlove with their OW. You are an exception. MANY MM string their OW along, make broken promises that they mean in the heat of the moment, in affairyland, but once home and with his wife, all that changes.

 

By the way, when a man says he no longer has sex at home -- it's true.

There are many MM who do love their wives, and have sex with them too, but want the affair on the side, so they make it seem like their marriage sucks, the sex isn't there, the wife is a beyotch, treats him badly, is abusive to him etc...Go read threads in this section.

 

Anyway, atleast you had the balls to end your marriage and divorce instead of keeping your OW hanging on to you for years and years.

[Nixson]

White Flower, thank you for your kind words. As for the percentage -- you're asking the wrong man! I have only had this one affair although I have chatted with a lot of other women but nothing came out of it until I got to know my GF better and more each day.

 

Women are easily discouraged by other women especially by those who are unhappy. I'm not saying by all women BUT some. I have read some other threads and I can tell which OW are supporting OW and who are not. It's easy to tell.

 

Thank you for wishing us good luck! I hope things will turn out the way you want it to. I believe that two people in love with each other will end up together no matter how impossible it looks!

[RecordProducer]

I have read frequently that MM promised this, and promised that....

But I really think that the MM mean it at the time. That they actually believe what they are saying at the moment that they are saying it. I don't find it so unbelievable that some even feel a little bound by those promises - but often know that they can't and probably shouldn't have said those things.

The concept of promise is to DO what you say, not to mean what you say. But speaking of meaning, I think some mean it, some don't, some are not sure.

 

In order to determine the degree of their honesty, we would have to know what's going on outside those promises. If after he promised his OW that he'd marry her this summer, MM goes home to his wife and plans a vacation for this August, then he just promised something that he meant and wanted, but never really gave it a deep thought. how seriously you mean something depends on your intimate urge to follow through it. If you say "I should really get some food cuz the fridge is empty" chances are you will do it, because soon you'll get hungry. But if you tell your neighbor that you will help her with her math exam, you might keep your promise, you might forget about it, you might think of some excuses to avoid - that fact is you don't have a strong motivation to help her unless you want to get into her mother's pants.

[nadiaj2727]

Nixson,

 

Thanks for explaining it, it makes more sense, sorry for my many questions! I have more of course lol.

 

You said: my previous marriage has ended (so to speak) way before I met her. I have been thinking of leaving the marriage.

 

I never understand that part of it. I guess as background I should tell you I WAS an OW and my xMM said the same thing -- that their M was over, that they had agreed to divorce before he met me, that neither had done much about it except that he was sleeping in a different wing of their house, and that now that he'd met me he'd realized just how wrong it was of him to stay with her for so long when they had nothing like he and I had. I really believed him at first, I mean, I fell in love with him and I thought he was a good person. But as time went on and they were still very much married (8 months later he had moved out of their house into a temporary furnished condo, but most of his stuff and his dogs were still at her house... he would always go pick up his dog there to go running and even house/ pet- sit there when she went on trips), I started to be so confused and I thought, if he wanted out of this M so badly for so long, and he REALLY wants out now that I'm in the picture, why hasn't it happened? He said she no longer wanted the divorce and I felt guilty for interfering with their marriage, and I wondered if she had ever wanted it in the first place. He was totally letting all the divorce decisions up to her, which made no sense since she was inconsistent about wanting it, so I no longer saw him as the strong, take-action man I thought he was at first.

 

I started to distrust him and doubt the real story of our relationship, and I noticed that he was telling me the same things as other OW on this forum said their MM told them), and I was just like, uggh, this is going nowhere. The whole situation started to disgust me and the worst part was losing my faith in him and feeling naive for ever trusting him so much in the first place. In short, I guess he didn't know what he really wanted, or he was too afraid to do what it took to go and get it. I definitely was not waiting around. After I broke up with him he's more convinced than ever that his divorce is just around the corner, a week or two away (although he's been saying that for months, and that's part of what made me lose my ability to take his words at face value), but I just don't want to be with him any more even if he DOES get divorced, because I realize that things just weren't the way he presented them to me in the beginning, and if he had, I never would have gotten involved. Therefore I feel that the whole foundation of our relationship was ingenuine and nothing can be built on such a shaky foundation.

 

Anyway. That was my situation and I still wonder if, like you, he had/ has an honest intent to be with me or if he was just confused and deluded by a fantasy or what. I know it shouldn't matter anymore because I've decided that no matter what, I won't be with him anymore, I needed a fresh start and a life without guilt and a relationship not built on deception and doubt. But it still bugs me, like, all the things he could have done differently, all the things he said, and all the things I did wrong (mainly, getting involved with a married man in the first place... it makes me feel like a crappy person even though from the beginning he told me he was "separated" and his wife had said he could date other people and she couldn't wait to get divorced... therefore, in the beginning I didn't think I was doing anything wrong but now I feel so lousy and guilty and sleazy about it.)

 

If you don't mind my asking, what is the age difference between you and OW? (You said she was young). There is a 21 year age difference between my xMM and me. He and his wife have been married for 16 years. Just today I thought... wow, I was about 10 when they got married!!! I could have been their F-in' flower girl. Now that is just pathetic, what was I thinking?!?!?! (But at the time our age difference was the least of our concerns... I don't consider him "old" or me "young", I didn't really feel our age difference much at all, at least not as much as after a time I began to feel the the length of time he'd been married).

[nadiaj2727]

I have read some other threads and I can tell which OW are supporting OW and who are not. It's easy to tell.

 

I'm supporting of OWs who are happy in their situation and who want to be in it. But I am definitely not supportive of the women who come here wondering, "Should I start this A?" "Should I get out of this A?" If they have any doubt at all, or are not happy in the least, I advise them to get out of it, and become happy without MM.

 

This is of course due to my own experience... as a former OW, it would be impossible for me to advise someone having doubts to get into or stay in an OW situation which made me so miserable. And as a *former* OW I know how proud and self-fulfilled I felt when I took my life back from MM, and I can only hope that for the OWs who don't want to be in their relationship any more. Almost all former OWs and unhappy current OWs in this forum will tell you that it's an emotional roller coaster ride, an addition, full of highs and lows. And, from my reading of the posts, most of the OWs who claim to be "happy" have so many self-contradicting doubts and sadness in their posts. To me that is not real happiness and not real love, so of course if I care at all about anyone I'm giving advice to, I say, get off the rollercoaster already!!! (Or, hopefully, don't buy the ticket... it's not worth it, you don't want it.) But if an OW or former OW, or former MM like yourself comes here and says they're happy, then of course I'm supportive, because, the same concept applies, I'm not going to advise anyone to go against their own happiness.

 

You and your OW are definitely an exception to the rule and I'm happy and supportive of you. Of course, I must say I can only imagine how much better it would have been for you, your former OW/ current GF and your ex-W if you had gotten out of your M before you started seeking whatever was missing from it from strangers online. But then again that's just my own opinion and I'm sincerely happy to hear a happy ending despite the beginning. I think you are lucky to have an OW who was so patient and giving... it's obvious that she loves you very much and it sounds like you will treasure her always.

[Nixson]

Whichwayisup, when I was home -- I didn't change anything except put a fake smile on my face like everything was great when clearly it wasn't. I didn't cuddle up with W when we were together -- she didn't want to. She didn't even try to bring back what we had in the beginning. So I do believe it when a MM says he isn't getting any sex or is unhappy at home -- I was one of them.

 

There are many MM like the one you mentioned but there are also MM out there who are just like me -- do not put their Ws down and actually mean it when they say they aren't getting any sex at home. For some MM -- it isn't all about having someone on the side. I was not only not getting sex, I was also not getting any emotional support what-so-ever. My GF has always been emotionally supportive of me. She understood why I was calm when I found out about my son when my W didn't. She understands me -- period. No doubt my xW is a great person but things were not the same and I don't think pretending it is, is going to help us both.

 

I am sure a lot of MM do not wish to string along their OW. For some, it isn't the right time to divorce or it could be OW who do not wish to want anything more than what they are having now. It could be many other reasons. Only those involved know.

[PoshPrincess]

I find your situation very interested because although we all get mad at MM for making promises, I guess the opposite is him NOT making promises and admitting "I'm married, you're the OW", which we also get mad at.

 

I have to say I would rather have the latter any day, and I have done in the past. I suppose it depends on the kind of person you are but years ago I had an A with a MM who was totally straight with me from the start about me being the 'OW'. I never had any expectations for our R, so consequently never allowed myself to fall in love with him. Maybe that's easier said than done though! Maybe I wouldn't have fallen in love with him anyway, despite the fact that I was very young and naiive at the time!

[Nixson]

Nadia, I'm sorry for what he has put you through. Here's the thing -- if he's already moved out of his house, he might as well just get a divorce. It was wise of you to end it because I don't think he was willing to let go of his W. It could be for many reasons -- usually it's about comfort zone. For me, I just wanted to be happy and be with the one I am in love with.

 

A man shouldn't make the one he loves feel sleazy. I'm not saying he didn't/doesn't love you but there must be something that is stopping him from getting a divorce. As for me, at the time it was my kids and us making peace about it but I don't think I could forgive myself if I let go of one person that makes me whole again.

 

We are 8 -/+ years in age difference. She's in her late twenties and I say young because she still have that 'youth' in her. As for my xW -- she is 9 years older than I. 21 years is a HUGE gap! My GF looks younger than her age and I look older for my age (although she says otherwise) so I can't help thinking that she is way younger when in reality, the age difference isn't so big.

 

I feel impossible to advice anyone on anything because my experiences and the way I think differ from others but will try my best to give my insights if needed.

 

My GF loves to use the term 'rollercoaster ride'! I understand fully what she means when she say it has been a rollercoaster ride for her. It wasn't my intention to put her on one but at the time, it was inevitable. Even now it is still inevitable as we are both living in different countries.

 

I do treasure her (always will!) for being patient and supportive of me. I love her for that and so much more. We have managed to go through one big hurdle -- a few more to come but we're taking it slowly.