ex needs space I need help

[LS12]

Well my ex fiance and I broke up 2 months ago and I am having a tough time dealing with the loss of her.

 

When we met we were very carefull to not go to fast because I had just got over a divorce. We would communicate our feelings very honestly and be able to solve any differences. After 4 mo of dating, her brother died in a gun accident and I was the one who had to break the news to her on her birthday none the less. We went through some tough times with the death of her brother she would keep her feelings bottled up and was angry at the world for taking her brother away from her.

 

She also has some self esteem issues, she has had eating disorders and is on some mild antidepressants for anxiety. I convinced her to get some counseling to deal with her anger because she would take it out on me and I was having a difficult time not getting defensive with her when this happened.

 

A year and 3 mo after her brother died her father died in a motorcycle accident and I once again was the one to tell her what happened. She had a really tough time dealing with her fathers death because she never really dealt with her brothers death from earlier.

 

Our relationship started to become strained 8 mo before our breakup because she was not able to handle her anger and we would get into arguments more often. When she was not upset about her families loss we were would have a great time together we both felt like we had met the " one " in our lives.

 

She decided that she needed time on her own to deal with the deaths and to find out who she is because she felt like she didn't know herself anymore. She told me it was not me but her and that this may be the biggest mistake of her life but it had to be done.

 

We had contact on a regular basis for 3 weeks ( her contacting me usually ) untill I told her I can't just be friends right now because I still have feelings for you. I told her to contact me when she is ready for a relationship. About 2 weeks ago she came over to pick up the last of her things and she was crying and telling how much she loves me and misses me.

 

I asked her to reconsider her decision and that I would be willing to go to counseling with her and to take our relationship slow. She called me back in a couple of days and still was not sure of an answer so I asked her to call me in another day. When she called me she seemed angry and said she needs to do this and apologized for her anger she was having a bad day with school.

 

I am confused about us, she still loves me and I love her very much. I try to give her space but I fight myself not to call her.

Any advice would be welcome please help me.

[Tony T]

Some people deal with loss a lot better than others. Rationally, it would seem like she would need you more than ever with the incredible loss she has sustained in the deaths of her brother and father. However, she is dealing with it in her own way. It's really too bad she won't go to counselling and learn appropriate ways to grieve and process her anger.

 

Because you are the one who announced both of these deaths to her, you may be a constant reminder of them. In the absense of anybody else to be pissed at, the messenger is always the handy one.

 

It is not in your power to change the way she feels. Clearly, you need to give her the time and space to deal with these matters. I personally feel she doesn't have the skills to deal with loss so this process could take a very long time...if it takes place at all.

 

I also think that despite your love for her you should reconsider the relationship. Do you want a partner who excludes you and does not need your love and warmth during tough times? Would she be there for you in the event of your own losses? Would she understand she needed to be there for you? Do you want somebody as a partner who holds things in and is not communicative or willing to work through things, finding it more expeditious to break away to get space?

 

Love is never enough to make a healthy relationship. Though she loves you, she doesn't want a relationship with you right now. I think she's got a lot of issues to process and it will be a very long time before she gets it togehter. Even for a person who is well balanced, such incredible loss in such a short time is overwhelming.

 

Whatever you to, let her know you will be there for her if she needs you. But your best bet is to back off now and give her the solitude and space she requires to deal with these tragedies in whatever way she deems necessary.

[NEONINK]

It hurts being shut out. And it's hard to give someone the space they need. Also, you stand a risk of getting the blame later for 'not being around', even though they chose to close you off.

 

It's a hard and sad situation. To compound matters, I have a tendency of co-dependency, so I forgot to maintain my independent life outside of the relationship while IN the relationship. So, now that I have to 'go away', it's harder.

 

Everyone says, "It's not about you". But heck, I have to live with myself and that's about me.