I want her back!!!

[skeeza]

about two months ago my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me.

The reason: since Jan. 2003 I have been unemployed. I have been going through rejection after rejection with job interviews. about mid-feb. all of the rejection finally took its toll and I started to drink and smoke (quit while I was with her) heavily and fell into a deep depression. meanwhile, she was working 2 jobs, over 60 hours a week. I started neglecting her and was not showing her love at all. afterall, it is hard to show someone love if you do not love yourself. she would call me on her way home from work and would tell me to meet her at her house and i would always show up an hour/2 hours late. before the beginning of the year we had a very solid relationship. we were together everyday and did everything together.

 

the breakup: mid march she was at work (car dealership) and a customer asked her out and she accepted. she has been dating him ever since. the breakup has not been easy on me. she handled it very badly. she asked to take a few days off and then a week later she told me she didn't want to be with me any more. she totally denied meeting someone else and told me she just wanted time to herself. it has been almost 2 months now and i have found out everything. she has been in constant contact with me throughout the two months, telling me that she is confused or when i ask her to come back to me i get the "i don't know".

 

the aftermath: I want her back badly! recently, i have received a job offer with a good company and things are starting to look up for me. I told her about the job and asked if it changed how she felt. again i got the "i don't know". the kicker is the guy she is dating is 32 w/ a kid and has been married and divorced and he travels a lot for his job. she is only 24 and i know she doesn't want that. I truly love her so much and feel that she is my soul-mate. we have a great connection together and can talk about nothing and laugh for hours. you can't find that type of connection with just anyone. yesterday i wrote her a letter saying that i am getting my life in order and that i want her to enjoy the good times seeing how she paid her dues sticking by me in the bad times. she even came over last night and i cooked us dinner. we even shared a few intimate moments, but later she said she was drunk. the new guy has been out of town so she has been spending time with me. I feel like I am being taken for a sucker.

 

I don't know what to do to get her back???? I have pulled out all the right moves... flowers, cards, letters... PLEASE HELP!

[Tony T]

Flowers, cards and letters are not the right move at all. One nice flower arrangement and a card of apology would have been all that was necessary. Anything more than that just serves to piss her off.

 

Why does it piss her off? Because when you were unemployed and started drinking and smoking, getting depressed and neglected she was deeply hurt. She now senses that you are trying to magically undue your abuse by buying her off and that's not what any woman wants.

 

It's tragic that you didn't sit down with her at the time and discuss your feelings, your depression. Being without a job is very difficult and trying. Unfortunately, she did not have the insight to understand why you were in your funk...very hard for a lady working 60 hours a week to do. So you have a lady who just wants you when the times are good but who will leave you when you get into a downer...what a great and loyal partner???

 

Almost any guy who came down the pike would have been a welcome relief from the person you became when you were unemployed. Now that she's seen you in that state, she doesn't trust that you won't become that way again. In her mind, a 32 year old guy who is stable and kind to her is a whole lot better than what you had become.

 

Back off, stop the communication, stop the flowers, cards, etc. Overdoing that stuff is just plain sickening to a woman who has been hurt. If she continues to see the guy she met, you need to move on. If at a future time, SHE makes the decision she'd like to give it a go again with you and you are available at the time...then go for it if you want.

 

Don't knock your head against a wall over this. It just happens. You were down and you didn't mean to be a turkey. But you have to understand women are in relationships for love, attention, kindness, etc. (different women require different things) and some women have a very lower tolerance for extended hard times.

 

You may feel a lot more secure in a relationship with a gal who won't leave you when you're down. And she may feel more secure with a guy who will communicate with her and work through his hard times with her rather than neglecting her.

 

I think you've learned some lessons here. I hope you don't forget them.