enabling others

[memememe]

what do you think of enabling someone unintentionally?

i got into this discussion with my soon to be mother in law who totally disagree that one should help someone because it only enable them to be more dependent on others and yourself.

 

she is living out of the past with her thinking and thinks that because she had to learn the hard way that others should too.

 

her son (my fiancee) spent ten years in a cocaine addiction and he conned her into everything and anything he wanted because she so desperately wanted him to quit that he would offer him anything and everything if she thought it would really help.

 

needless to say he totally took advantage of her and she knows now that what she did to try to help him was the worst thing she could of done.

 

so now he is a very strong and independent person having been drug free for over five years now.

 

still she holds true to not believeing in helping others and when she sees me helping someone with money or what nots she gets frustrated with me thinking that i am not doing that person any favors at all.

 

i know where to draw the line and would not be a door mat for anybody but she does not believe this, she just goes on thinking that helping them is not going to help them in the long run anyway so she gets mad at me and gives me the cold shoulder for a while then chills again after that but gets mad at the person who may be asking for my help.

 

we get along great we just have this one problem.

[Tony T]

It's pathetic that she even knows about what you do to help others. Does she stand over your shoulders and watch you all day or do you go to her house and announce what you do for other people to make yourself look like a hero? You can solve this problem in one second by keeping your mouth shut about what you do to help other people. If you're helping people to make yourself look like a hero, you obviously won't get that feedback from your future mama in law so just stop it.

 

Let her be the way she wants to. She's entitled to act according to her experiences. And you're entitled to help people and keep it private between yourself and the people you help. If those you assisted knew you'd be telling the world about it, they probably wouldn't accept your help.

 

If it's the people you are helping that are making these disclosures to your future mother in law, start telling people you help that part of the terms of that help is keeping their lips zipped. If it's your fiance shooting off his mouth to her, let him know it's unacceptable to do so and if he continues you will have to review the details of your life you share with him.

 

I think it's very nice for you to help people within reason if you are able...but do it for the sake of helping them and not for any recognition or power over them...or to make yourself look good in the eyes of others.

 

If you want to read a real nice piece on giving, go here and read what Kahlil Gibran had to say about it in his book, The Prophet, written many years ago: http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran5.html It will be very helpful to you in understanding the dynamics of helping people.

 

Good luck!!!

[jessicakicksbut]

I can see where your future mother-in-law is coming from. I have helped others in the past, and I feel all I did was encourage them to keep their old habits, and not change their ways or help themselves. To this date, I have loaned out over $2000 to help people, and never received a dime of it back. Over half the money I loaned was to my ex-fiance, when we were both in college struggling to pay for our tuition, books, transportation expenses, etc. He decided to get a credit card, and the result was disastorous. He had absolutely no self-control, and eventually he could not afford to pay off his monthly balances, so he would ask me to help him out. Finally, after six month, I told him to work more hours while he was in school, and stop asking me for money (I was almost broke). A little over two years later, credit card bills that were an average balance of $500 turned into $5000, then increased to $10,000 +. He would ask others for help, but refused to help himself.

 

What I learned over time was that if you want to help someone, it is best only to help those who will help themselves. For example, someone who has no money for groceries because they just lost their job...but they are actively seeking a new one, going to job fairs, learning new skills at a community college, etc. Sometimes, by loaning money especially, you are not helping someone but feeding a spending habit of some sort, whether they spend their money on music (like my ex did ), drugs, alcohol, etc.

[memememe]

"If it's your fiance shooting off his mouth to her, let him know it's unacceptable to do so and if he continues you will have to review the details of your life you share with him".

 

it is mainly my fiance that is not really telling her things but she just happens to hear things going on around her because they work in the same office.

 

i do not help anyone for recognition and it is not like a daily habit but when i do and he knows about and she hears about it via the same room so she gets to pretty much know things that go on around us.

 

i think from now on i will just not tell him anything but then feel as if i am hiding things. i only ask him for his opinino alot of the times i guess, another downfall of mine as well.

 

so maybe i just need to make my own decisions without asking him thus her hearing about it too.

 

jessica, thank you for the advice as well, i do not try to enable anyone, especially those that take advantage of it. that i can live without too.

 

but i guess my future mother in law does not think i know where to draw the line and i don't want to tell her to butt out either.

 

so i guess that best thing to do is keep my business to myself and away from my fiance as well.

 

thanks for the help and the eye opening.