You're Awsome "Totally Confused" !!!

[Meta]

To "Totally Confused",

 

I have been keeping up with your responses to people and I realized a lot about my own actions in relationships...especially in the TL's "is she tired of me?" messages.

 

I would like to ask for some advice, since you seem to have a very deep objective understanding of situations...which I believe I do as well, but when it comes to our own problems, you know how it is. ^.^

 

Well, I think I'm the female version of TL when it came to my situation. However, I knew by my gut feeling that we were meant to be...and this isn't one of those highschool "I'm so in love cause' he's so cute" thing. It really did come from a deep human connection that I felt with him. But as usual, I got emotionally attached too soon and ruined it. Your responses to TL made me see how I was with this guy and it did embarrass me and at the same time made me sad.

 

I could see how desperate TL was and honestly, I don't think it looked that nice...I felt pathetic suddenly.

 

I have been in a few relationships and they have mostly ended in similar ways...which makes me think now that there must be a pattern in my behavior. I think it stems from the lack of love from your parents as a child and the low self-esteem that grew from that experience. I know at least that's how I am...and whenever someone that just "likes" me comes along, I hold onto it tight...as if I'm afraid that nobody else would like me like that ever again. Thus the obsession and the clinging.

 

How can one overcome such feelings? How should one approach relationships when they are aware of their tendency...it's really hard to control it because I do just fall into that pattern....I mean, I am very aware of my "too early attachment syndrom" and I was extra caustious not to behave like that this time, but again, it didn't seem to work out...I am losing faith in love and my own self. Any wisdom?

[Tl]

When your are attracted to someone and all of a sudden, regardless of the reason, I can overreact and make things harder. To fall for someone and get a rejected feeling back (may not be true, but feels like it) it is hard. What I realized today in my case is that I spent alot of time, almost each day with her and then it was time for her to go back to a busy schedule, friends, life, etc and the her balance changed and the feelings were now just another thing on her list and weren't as strong, but I did not do anything wrong. What I did wrong was I freaked out and overanaylized and pushed to much for an answer that was their and should of just backed up. It may or not be too late here but I still know that this is not the right person for me...This could be our similar thing coming here...that I got attached and wanted the same feelings back that I felt inside. I am a very giving even when not given back. To want to care for someone is a gift. Its sometimes even harder when you are really attracted to them more than usual. I overreacted and wanted to much to soon. I came out looking needy and that's not the right thing here but in my case, I am still dealing with someone who is self centered and I even knew this when things were OK.

 

Live and learn, the hurt will go away in time, its just kind of a pain waiting for the hurt to go away.

 

Remember that a mistake may of been made, a lesson learned but to give is a gift and do not apolize for it, just try to slow it down. (thats tough with such strong feelings)

To "Totally Confused", I have been keeping up with your responses to people and I realized a lot about my own actions in relationships...especially in the TL's "is she tired of me?" messages. I would like to ask for some advice, since you seem to have a very deep objective understanding of situations...which I believe I do as well, but when it comes to our own problems, you know how it is. ^.^ Well, I think I'm the female version of TL when it came to my situation. However, I knew by my gut feeling that we were meant to be...and this isn't one of those highschool "I'm so in love cause' he's so cute" thing. It really did come from a deep human connection that I felt with him. But as usual, I got emotionally attached too soon and ruined it. Your responses to TL made me see how I was with this guy and it did embarrass me and at the same time made me sad. I could see how desperate TL was and honestly, I don't think it looked that nice...I felt pathetic suddenly. I have been in a few relationships and they have mostly ended in similar ways...which makes me think now that there must be a pattern in my behavior. I think it stems from the lack of love from your parents as a child and the low self-esteem that grew from that experience. I know at least that's how I am...and whenever someone that just "likes" me comes along, I hold onto it tight...as if I'm afraid that nobody else would like me like that ever again. Thus the obsession and the clinging. How can one overcome such feelings? How should one approach relationships when they are aware of their tendency...it's really hard to control it because I do just fall into that pattern....I mean, I am very aware of my "too early attachment syndrom" and I was extra caustious not to behave like that this time, but again, it didn't seem to work out...I am losing faith in love and my own self. Any wisdom?

[Totally Confused]

Hi Meta, Thanks for the compliment. I'm so glad my advice was able to help both you and TL.

 

You've asked me how one can overcome feelings or approach a relationship from a different angle. Well, I think you've already made the first step...awareness. At least you are aware that you may be a bit too clingy or needy in a relationship.

 

But there may be one thing you might want to look at. Maybe it's your choices in men. Look back at all the men you've dated in the past. Have you ever dated a guy that came on too strong with you? A guy who constantly wants to see you, wants to be with you, calls you all the time and wants to hear you tell him you love him constantly. I bet that if you dated a guy like that, you'd either hate him or avoid him all together. It's the biggest turn off.

 

Or do you find that all the men from your past are emotionally unavailable? Even if the guy comes on strong at first (1st mo. or 2), do you find that he soon backs off as soon as you start to really like him, and the more he backs off the more you try to cling onto him? That's human nature. We want what we can't have.

 

Now if you date a guy who is totally healthy, likes you and tries to get things to move at a slow pace, calls you once a day and wants to hang out 2 -3 times a week...and you still just want more, then that's an insecurity problem on your part. Now if you're dating emotionally unavailable men, you're going to have to find out why. Usually it's because you're scared of a committed relationship, even though you claim to want one. You will be totally attracted to the men that can't committ, until they do...then you'll run in the other direction. These men are emotional rollercoaster, and over time you'll get sick of them and their games.

 

Now if you date perfectly normal men, and you just need more all the time and they get freaked out and sick of you demanding, so much, then you need to reprogram your mind. You have to figure out, why you're so needy for love (whether it be from childhood or not). Once you've figured it out, you will subconsciously start to work on it then eventually you will start to become more conscious of it.

 

Think about it...if you keep telling yourself your fat and ugly, your programming that into your head over and over again - even if you're a stick - and your mind will eventually start to believe it. Then one day, you may be dating a guy, who tells you he doesn't want to be with you anymore for whatever reason he gives you. You won't believe it and you're going to keep asking yourself over and over again why did he leave me? Well your brain will come up with the answer that you've fed it with for so long "Oh, he dumped you because you're fat and ugly." Well, you are aware of your needy problem, so start telling yourself it's ok, but now it's time to focus on what a guy can give you, not will I be too needy with the next guy and scare him off, what can I do to make this one stay around? Start telling yourself over and over again, until you can't stand it, that you want a man who is good to you, will be there for you, will call you, will chase you. Then with every relationship, start asking yourself, how does this person make me feel, is he giving me what I need, am I happy? If you answer no, then get rid of him, he's not for you. If you have to chase him, then that's where you have to be the grown-up and start taking responsibility. You have to realize, he's not the one. I promise, there will be plenty more. You don't have to settle for anyone. Once the funny feeling fades, you'd better make sure you like the person for their personality, because the funny feelings do fade. Keep telling yourself that, and I promise over time, you won't let yourself settle for anything less. Then you'll stop being the unhealthy person who is needy and desparate for someone.

 

It's not love that you're losing faith in, it's the infatuation and the feeling of being in love that you're losing faith in. It's the rollercoaster you're getting sick of and all of the dissapointments and empty promises. All woman go through that. But real love is supposed to be your best friend, someone who is there for you, someone that you can't not have in your life once the funny feeling fades, someone that you can rely on, who supports you, shares your interests. It's something that grows over time. I can guarantee that any of the guys you've dated in your past, couldn't live up to any of those expectations... and you wanted them to - so bad, because you wanted to be in love. Careful with being in love with being in love...that's very dangerous, cause you'll end up with the wrong person. When you find a friend and it grows and there is no pressure or pain, then that's love. It will hit you when you least expect it. But you have to be patient and stop looking at a boyfriend as the end all of life. Yes it's great and wonderful, but taking care of yourself is #1, right now. Focus on your other goals (easier said than done) and it will come to you. When you start doing things you love to do, you'll just bump into a guy, who is going down the same path. You'll feel so confident in that relationship with him, that you won't feel insecure or needy at all.

 

I hope this was somewhat helpful. I know giving advice is a lot easier than putting it into play, but take it from someone who's been there. I think a lot of people have, you just happen to be someone who questions it. If you try even a little bit to change your old habits, you'll feel stronger in the end...you'll feel so accomplished and proud of yourself. If you need anymore input, just let me know. Good luck and let me know how things turn out for you.