Am I the only Proud OW on here?

[RecordProducer]

Ulp! I guess that makes me a man then. Now, how do I explain that to MM?

First of all, I claim that by getting sex you ARE filling in an emotional need, beside the sexual. Secondly, if sex is all you need and get from your guy, then your heart is open to meeting someone who will offer more than that, even though you might not be aware of this, because you're afraid of getting hurt. Denying your emotional needs is denying that need love.

 

However, my point was not about who needs love, but how both sexes approach a relationship. A man meets a woman and if he is attracted to her body or mind, he wants to have sex with her. At that point, he would be happy even if he just gets sex. Can you imagine a man rejecting a woman because she only wants casual sex with him? But we have seen women who walked away from men because they only wanted the women for sex and fun.

 

When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets the urge to spread his sperm and any thought of a serious relationship can only be rational, but not instinctive, even if he is looking for a wife. For a man everything starts with sex and then he takes it from there. If the woman proves to be good enough, he will start seeing her as a potential soul mate. A woman, on the other hand, has a clear concept of who would make a good catch according to the information and preferences in her mind; if she envisions someone as her soul mate, she will not settle for casual sex. If you want just casual sex with your MM, then you don't think of him as your soul mate.

[GreenEyedLady]

Does anyone share the same feelings as me? I'm sure some of you women, even OM out there feel the same way.

 

I am not proud, per se...I think if you had used a different term, you probably would have had a slightly different reaction from everyone...

 

But I am very happy in my R...And I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished and I'm proud of my partner and who he is and what he's accomplished...

 

As for the W, I think she's for him to deal with, not me...I focus on our R...and making sure that my needs are met, as are his...

 

And I have found since changing my focus from whether or not he was leaving to whether we are a good partnership and compatible, that our R has grown and strengthened in a way I couldn't have imagined before...It is a healthy, strong R in which we communicate and put the other first...

 

And it's working rather well...

[bish]

I've read through all of your posts and I can see I'm not quite alone here in the way I feel. It is His marriage and she is His wife--why should I be obligated to have a concern for her?

 

Oh I don't know...maybe a little thing called decency.

 

I never said I wanted him, so I do not know Why some of you have this impression.

 

You don't want him? So you are out to wreck a relationship/marriage just for the hell of it or because you can?

 

Is it that you are going to get "yours" no matter who you step on? Is that it?

 

He and I have this deep connection--he's almost like a best friend to me. When he and I are together, there are just weird yet good feelings surrounding us. Kind of like a soul mate.

 

Then he should leave his wife for you....but he doesn't...wonder why?

 

 

I have already has the absolute worst happen to me, and I do not think Anything could Ever compare to this. This would be the death of my grandfather. That to me was the biggest heart break I had ever encountered, and will ever encounter, because he was the love of my life.

 

Sure thats huge heartbreak. My grandparents meant the world to me.

 

So should I now, because they passed away, go out and help to ruin someones marriage and sleep with someone elses wife??

 

 

So for those of you that insist this married man will hurt me and are so sure he will, please--I have dealt with broken hearts before. I know he's married so do not expect much out of this.

 

so again...you are getting your jollies at someone else's expense...and yes...yes..we get it...you don't care.

 

 

I value my friendship with the MM more than anything right now. I do not care for his wife and why should I--I don't even know her.

 

Again...its called having a sense of decency. I don't know alot of people...doesn't mean I'm going to go up to them, punch them in the face and say, "sorry...I don't know you...so I don't have one bit of sympathy for you for what I just did"

 

 

Maybe if I knew here, the situation would be different. Right now, though, she's just a person in his life.

 

Thats all she is eh?...just a person...she doesn't deserve to be treated decent? Again..yes...we know...you have no obligation to be decent to her or anyone else you don't know.

 

 

I never set out to hurt anyone by getting into this mess. He pursued me--I just had this secret crush on him for a while before he had pursued me and never had any intentions of pursuing him because I knew he was married. That's the thing though, he's married and pursued me.

 

Oh well geez....that makes it all better now doesn't it?

 

 

That says something about his character more than mine.

 

No, it doesn't. His character and yours are pretty much the same.

 

 

YOu can't judge someone poorly just because they are having an affair.

 

Sure you can.

 

 

Does not totally make an individual a bad character.

 

yes, it does.

 

 

What I am proud of most is that I found a man who I connect with and who I can talk to and not be judged. My best friend and some other close friends like to judge me. He isn't judgmental

 

LOL...hate to say it..but of course he isn't judgmental...he is getting what he wants out of you.

 

 

and I feel secure talking to him and asking him for advice. I am most proud of the fact that I found someone, as I said, a Soul Mate, who I can share private moments with.

 

Aye yi yi...in one breath you say that you never said you "wanted him"...then in others you are saying he is your soul mate....make up your mind.

 

This is an Emotional Affair. I do not expect him to leave his wife for me--honestly, I do not think I would want to marry him because I know about his history of cheating.

 

A cheating soul mate...now there is a concept.

 

 

DO I think he'd cheat on me? I do not know--most likely since he has done it to every woman he's ever been with

 

Because there are women like you willing to do it with him.

 

but that doesn't mean he will cheat on every woman in the future. He has a lot to learn, and maybe this will be a lesson for both he and I. I look forward the the challenges and lessons he and I will be faced with and learn from heretofore.

 

What challenges? Ways to keep his wife snowballed so you two can do whatever it is you want to do?

[Gwyneth]

I am not proud, per se...I think if you had used a different term, you probably would have had a slightly different reaction from everyone...

 

But I am very happy in my R...And I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished and I'm proud of my partner and who he is and what he's accomplished...

 

As for the W, I think she's for him to deal with, not me...I focus on our R...and making sure that my needs are met, as are his...

 

And I have found since changing my focus from whether or not he was leaving to whether we are a good partnership and compatible, that our R has grown and strengthened in a way I couldn't have imagined before...It is a healthy, strong R in which we communicate and put the other first...

 

And it's working rather well...

 

What You have stated here is what I have been trying to relay. I have said Many times, which most people on here seem to ignore, that I misused the word "proud," and made it seem like I am only proud about this affair. I straightened that out and said that I am happy/proud that I met him and found a friend/soul mate in him. It's an emotional affair, not physical as in sex, so I don't see why it's wrong for me to say I'm proud. Yes, I am really happy about the relationship I have with him. It's good--what can I say? We get along--wow, horrible. We make each other laugh--wow, terrible. We guide each other--wow, insane.

 

I'm glad some of you only want the best for me, and I really appreciate that, and I appreciate the advice I have been receiving, but some of you are a bit attacking and I'm not here to be attacked. I really just wanted advice from other OW--not BSs.

[GreenEyedLady]

What You have stated here is what I have been trying to relay. I have said Many times, which most people on here seem to ignore, that I misused the word "proud," and made it seem like I am only proud about this affair. I straightened that out and said that I am happy/proud that I met him and found a friend/soul mate in him. It's an emotional affair, not physical as in sex, so I don't see why it's wrong for me to say I'm proud. Yes, I am really happy about the relationship I have with him. It's good--what can I say? We get along--wow, horrible. We make each other laugh--wow, terrible. We guide each other--wow, insane.

 

I'm glad some of you only want the best for me, and I really appreciate that, and I appreciate the advice I have been receiving, but some of you are a bit attacking and I'm not here to be attacked. I really just wanted advice from other OW--not BSs.

 

My apologies about the "proud" reference...I didn't muddle through all the attack posts simply because I get bored with the same old drivel day after day...

 

It's wonderful that you get along so well and quite frankly, if it's working for you, then that's all that matters...If he's not allowed to have friends, then maybe he should be rethinking his R anyways...

 

As for no BS's replying, that is pretty rare here...So many times I read a thread and think where are any of the OW? There's not even a post from one of them...

 

But that's LS for ya!

[Gwyneth]

What is a NC? I often see this abbreviation. I got BS is betrayed spouse, and OW, OM, MM, MW, etc. But NC? Cannot figure this one out!

[GreenEyedLady]

What is a NC? I often see this abbreviation. I got BS is betrayed spouse, and OW, OM, MM, MW, etc. But NC? Cannot figure this one out!

 

No contact...

[RecordProducer]

I really just wanted advice from other OW--not BSs.

What kind of advice did you want? You didn't post any question or present a problem.

 

It's wonderful that you get along so well and quite frankly, if it's working for you, then that's all that matters...

Huh? GEL, I understand your motives for supporting Gwyneth, but do you really think that the fact that he is married doesn't matter? I mean, I don't judge the OW ever, but I would be devastated if I were in love with a MM who didn't intend to leave his wife. I just can't understand you. Are you in love with your MM? Are you hoping that he will leave his wife some day? Sorry for asking too much, but I am always interested in peeking into other people's minds.

 

If he's not allowed to have friends, then maybe he should be rethinking his R anyways...

Gwyneth is far from a friend that he could bring home to his wife.

[LifesontheUp]

Oh dear this is all so sad really. Where is your self esteem that you are willing to take the "sloppy seconds" of another woman i.e. the wife. Lets face it thats exactly what the MM is giving you.

 

The longer you put up with it the happier he is. After all, if he was honest, he's got the best of both worlds. His life at home with the wife and you.....his bit on the side.

 

Sorry but thats what it boils down to.

 

Do you think that lowly of yourself that you can't find someone who is available?

[Gwyneth]

Every OW/OM who knows their love interest is married Has a Choice to fall or not fall in love with the Married person. It's called Self-control.

[bigheartkindsoul]

Is love something that can be so systematically controlled?

[sally4sara]

I'm not going to let some guy get the best of me. It just isn't worth it

 

And maybe it is this mindset that is responsible for your willingness to be involved with a MM. You won't give your best to any guy in any relationship; with a MM, you won't feel obligated and it likely won't be expected from you.

You list all these guys who have hurt you and you say "Meh, I moved on." But it sounds like you haven't completely and now you have intimacy issues. You protect yourself by being in a relationship with someone you can never fully invest in and you know will never fully invest in you. Kinda hard to get disappointed by someone you expect to not share the rest of your life with.

 

Better to go with a negative outlook so when something positive happens you can be pleasantly surprised rather than be optimistic and risk disappointment?

[sally4sara]

I haven't had sex with him nor do I intend to. I respect my V, and he is well aware of that. It's more about touching, feeling, and cuddling. It's not about sex at all.

 

He is probably getting that need met by yet another OW.

[RecordProducer]

Better to go with a negative outlook so when something positive happens you can be pleasantly surprised rather than be optimistic and risk disappointment?

She IS optimistic about her MM. Deep down she hopes he will leave his wife and she is not giving him the "respectful V" in order to drive him crazy and compel him to go after her. She is waiting for him to fall in love with her completely so she can give him the silent ultimatum: no sex. After that he is expected to choose between her and the wife, if he is to have sex with Gwyneth. But all that is happening is SHE is falling in love deeper and deeper and the guy is patiently waiting to get some, while screwing his wife at home. She is playing the sex game and he is playing the love game (he is her "soul" mate) just to get sex.

 

Once he realizes that sex is not going to happen, he will move onto the next girl who will be an easier prey. He feels intrigued by her rejections and his hunting instinct is burning inside of his testicles, but this is not enough to make him divorce his wife. I really don't think that nowadays men value the pseudo-virginity of mindset, i.e. a woman who will drag him for months without giving him pussy. She is playing a game and he is playing by her rules hoping to win. In fact, a man who is highly intrigued by a woman's repeated rejections is likely to lose interest once he completes his mission.

 

In her previous posts she admitted she has developed deep feelings for this man and she feels that this whole thing is wrong. Suddenly, she feels happy about the affair? No. She feels hopeful that he will commit to her.

[sally4sara]

RP,

 

I don't get the sense that she is optimistic. I can see why you might go with that assumption because we have all read too many posts by OW who yearn for validation from the MM. The old "will he EVER leave his wife for me?" woes.

So if you wish to believe she is typical in that way and just blowing smoke up our a$$es, it is your choice. I'm more of a case by case person and realize full well that I don't really know OP. The sense I get from her posts is that she has built a wall up around her to protect herself from disappointment and that wall is made of choosing men she knows will live up to her expectation that they will eventually disappoint her. A sense that it will be easier to get over if she has already prepared herself for the worst can scenario.

 

I think it is admirable of you to want to warn her and be concerned about the potential pain she might feel if she truly is developing deeper feelings for this man. I'm more concerned with what it is inside her that makes her decide to get in this situation in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

Another problem here is, Gwen is going to miss the boat with someone else. While her 'soulmate' friendship is blossoming and not really going anywhere at the sametime, she's going to miss out on meeting someone else and having a real chance at love and an honest, open relationship that can give her everything. This friendship is holding her back from really living and one day she'll resent all the time, effort put in when she comes out empty handed. She's 26 now, I really hope by age 30 she isn't still hanging onto this MM...

[RecordProducer]

RP,

 

I don't get the sense that she is optimistic. I can see why you might go with that assumption because we have all read too many posts by OW who yearn for validation from the MM. The old "will he EVER leave his wife for me?" woes.

So if you wish to believe she is typical in that way and just blowing smoke up our a$$es, it is your choice. I'm more of a case by case person and realize full well that I don't really know OP.

This is my intuitive interpretation, not my choice of belief. I also don't think that she would admit her agenda if that's really on her mind. If that's not the case, good for her, but if it, I feel the urge to tell her that the game is transparent and risky.

 

 

The sense I get from her posts is that she has built a wall up around her to protect herself from disappointment and that wall is made of choosing men she knows will live up to her expectation that they will eventually disappoint her. A sense that it will be easier to get over if she has already prepared herself for the worst can scenario.

Could be. Or her father cheated on her mother or whatever. The outcome will be the same in each scenario: hurt.

if she truly is developing deeper feelings for this man.

Oh, she admitted in another thread that it's hard to get out because she has developed feelings for him. She said he won't let her go. That certainly doesn't mean that he is stalking her, but that she is unable to oppose her reason.

 

I'm more concerned with what it is inside her that makes her decide to get in this situation in the first place.

I think most OW don't realize what they are getting into. Her explanation was: "Why the heck not?" She had acrush on this guy and she followed her feelings without thinking twice.

[GreenEyedLady]

Huh? GEL, I understand your motives for supporting Gwyneth, but do you really think that the fact that he is married doesn't matter? I mean, I don't judge the OW ever, but I would be devastated if I were in love with a MM who didn't intend to leave his wife. I just can't understand you. Are you in love with your MM? Are you hoping that he will leave his wife some day? Sorry for asking too much, but I am always interested in peeking into other people's minds.

 

Why is it that the M should matter more to people outside the M, rather than the persons in it?

 

Of course it matters that he is M, but I'm not here to push any view on anyone...

 

And I am in love with my partner, who happens to be married...And yes, I do believe that he will leave...We developed our plan and it's in place and it just takes time, on BOTH our parts...But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

 

And no problems with asking...If I ever think that giving out certain info is TMI, I just say I won't explain for that reason...

[EnigmasMuse]

Reguardless of what the OP meant by being "proud", I still don't get the need to share the info with others that you're involved and "proud" of being with a MM. Wheather its just sexual, just platonic or a mixture. I don't get and probably never will get the need to tell others how they feel, proud, excited, inlove or whatever it is they are feeling about being involved with someone who is attached.

[bish]

Why is it that the M should matter more to people outside the M, rather than the persons in it?

 

Of course it matters that he is M, but I'm not here to push any view on anyone...

 

And I am in love with my partner, who happens to be married...And yes, I do believe that he will leave...We developed our plan and it's in place and it just takes time, on BOTH our parts...But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

 

Wow!

 

Does your MM have children? And if so, do they see this affair between you 2 as a beautiful thing?

 

And if they don't know...maybe you should ask them and see what they think?

 

Or maybe you don't care what they think...I'd say that is pretty much a given.

[RecordProducer]

And I am in love with my partner, who happens to be married...And yes, I do believe that he will leave...We developed our plan and it's in place and it just takes time, on BOTH our parts...But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Thanks for your answers, GEL. If you are his soul mate and his marriage was a mistake, if you are going to be happy and he won't cheat on you, I'll be happy for you. I don't believe that anyone leaves their spouse for a third party. I am in love with my husband, but I would ditch jis ass this moment "for" another guy - i.e. if another guy showed up, I'd go for it, because I receive nothing but pain from my hsuabnd. So I can really understand people who cheat and leave, but don't have the courage to leave without having a prospective lover. Cowards? Yes. But life is too complicated to think about doing the right thing for someone who hurts you while you loved them more than anything. Unfortunately, i don't have the luxurious chance to leave or cheat on him now simply because of my particular situation.

 

What I am trying to say is that the marriage is over the moment you think of cheating. But, unfortunately, for some people cheating is just a life style. I certainly hope that you didn't run onto a man like that. Some men do leave their wives when they meet other women. It seems like the other woman plays the role of the last straw when the marriage is already falling apart.

 

GEL, may I ask why it takes time and what are your plans in short?

Does your MM have children? And if so, do they see this affair between you 2 as a beautiful thing?

I have two children who adore my husband (and he acts like he adores them back); we are most likely going to divorce soon and there is no thrid party involved. My kids don't think that divorce is a beautiful thing. My point: divorce happens without a third party, too. The children always suffer.

[precious1357]

Nicely put, WF! You deserve it, and I wish you much joy with it!

 

For myself - I used to be like Lizzie, several As simultaneously, purely physical, part-time interactions that didn't crowd my space the way Rs with single guys would and did (though some where with SGs too). I was always honest and upfront about it, didn't see it as a source of shame, but it wasn't a source of pride either. It just was. Same as brushing your teeth or going to work.

 

With this MM though things are very different, and I'm very proud of the R we have. Proud that he's leaving his W for me no - he's leaving his W for HIM, as it ought to be. Proud that, of all the women coming on to him all the time, I was the one he finally gave in to? No. Sooner or later that could have happened with anyone, who knows. But I am proud of the R we've built together, the way in which we've brought out each others' finest qualities and the way we've grown as individuals and as a couple, in so many ways. I'm proud of the friendship we've grown, the love we've nurtured, the intellectual engagement we've stimulated and the fun we've brought out of situations that could otherwise have been pretty depressing. I'm proud not just that we found each other but that we co-authored each other and ourselves through our R, in ways neither of us would have dreamt possible.

 

Gwyneth that probably isn't quite what you meant with your thread? Suffice to say I have never felt shame in being an OW - it was always my choice, freely made - and in my current R with MM, I hang my head before no one.

 

Shame is an understatement. The only time I feel okay is when we're together, when he leaves and/or, goes on trips, or is with his real family, I

feel awful. I hold my head down a lot, which he upsets him and he feels bad, but time will surely tell....Gwyneth, if you feel good, your really special!

[bish]

I have two children who adore my husband (and he acts like he adores them back); we are most likely going to divorce soon and there is no thrid party involved. My kids don't think that divorce is a beautiful thing. My point: divorce happens without a third party, too. The children always suffer.

 

Well sure, but this isn't a situation to which I am referring.

I want to know if the children of a cheating father/mother think that their affair is as beautiful as the OW/OM think it is.

[bish]

My husband developed his plan with the ow too. He just forgot one thing, they both were married to other people. And those people were not as slow mentally as they thought. They didn't get everything that they had planned on including each other. It is amazing when the fairytale ending doesn't quite work out the way they anticipated. She thought he would have more money after he dumped me(wrong) and he thought that she would continue the freaky behavior and remain sweet and affirming( they never fought...until after reality checked in). He doesn't care so much for her children now and she doesn't care so much for living on a budget, and his earth shattering farts don't add to the romance.

 

LOL....now THAT is funny as hell. They never think of things like that do they. They think its gonna be roses forever.

 

Like I've said before....cheaters get what they deserve in the end. My stbXW is getting hers right now.....revenge is best as a dish served cold.

[sally4sara]

My husband developed his plan with the ow too. He just forgot one thing, they both were married to other people. And those people were not as slow mentally as they thought. They didn't get everything that they had planned on including each other. It is amazing when the fairytale ending doesn't quite work out the way they anticipated. She thought he would have more money after he dumped me(wrong) and he thought that she would continue the freaky behavior and remain sweet and affirming( they never fought...until after reality checked in). He doesn't care so much for her children now and she doesn't care so much for living on a budget, and his earth shattering farts don't add to the romance.

 

Aaahahhaaaha!

I guess now they both know that what was making their situation so fun was that they were perpetually in the "honeymoon" phase and never had to be around who each of them really are.

Sounds like you got the better end of the deal. I hope life is treating you well now.