whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I asked him how can he stop that from happening, It's actually easy - To prevent from falling inlove with someone else while one is married, the friendship has to end. He has control, he has choice, he has a brain, he's just choosing to be selfish and keep you in tow so HE can feel good. Man, I hope this whole being a strong woman thing works as well as I am expecting it to... Me too. But, if this does backfire, atleast you know you WILL get support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 It's actually easy - To prevent from falling inlove with someone else while one is married, the friendship has to end. He has control, he has choice, he has a brain, he's just choosing to be selfish and keep you in tow so HE can feel good. Me too. But, if this does backfire, atleast you know you WILL get support. Thank you; that does make me feel good. Now about the controlling falling in love thing...can you further explain that? I do not think it's really possible to prevent yourself from falling in love with someone, because feelings are uncontrolable--I think? Yeah, he has a choice, and he chooses to hold on to me. Do you believe it is possible for him to prevent himself from falling in love with me, while married and still seeing me? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Well, if you know you're (meaning him) not supposed to fall inlove with someone else, yet the feelings are starting or they're there, you end it before it grows deeper. Him choosing to have you in his life, knowing he is falling for you is just stupid. It's wrong of him, inappropriate of him to continue down this path. He made a committment to his wife, and he is breaking vows by allowing his feelings to grow for you. BY CHOICE. It's like you staying in his life, taking a chance by sticking around knowing he really isn't a sure bet long term - yet you are letting feelings grow, becoming more and more attached to him, before you know it, you'll be in so deep and wondering 'when did that happen?' If the person you (general you) are falling inlove with isn't in your life as much, distances themselves, then it's only natural for those feelings to slowly disappear. Kind of that out of sight out of mind and the detachment just happens. Do you believe it is possible for him to prevent himself from falling in love with me, while married and still seeing me? No. It's impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 This thread is so confusing. Gwyneth changes her tune depending on whom she is responding to. This thread is not filled with BSs. GEL is not the only OW on this thread. She is, in my opinion, enabling Gwyneth's confusion and backtracking. What I always find interesting though, is that its ALWAYS an OW that brings up the whole BS thing. Thus starting the typical downturn in a thread. You know, its entirely possible to defend YOURSELF without insulting/offending OTHERS. Bitterness is certainly not limited to the betrayed. That whole comment is just getting tired and old. It would be nice to see it disappear from these conversations. We have already established that to a person currently involved in an A, the only bitter folks are the BSs and the xOPs. Give it a rest already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 I'm not a "falling in love" expert, but from his actions, I just think he is in love. For example, the way he'll gaze into my eyes, and kind of jerk his head after starring into my eyes for a while--it's deep. In the beginning, he and I would make this deep, intense eye contact. Well not, the eye contact he makes with me is even deeper. Last week when he hugged me, he helf me so tight--tight enough to break bones (exagerated a bit). I was thinking to myself "wow, why so tight?" kind of like he wanted to be really close to me. It was sweet yet a bit scary. I was hugging him. but sweet jesus, not that tight. Kind of that "I don't want to let go of you" kind of hug was what he was giving me. So correct me if I am wrong, and believe me, I hope I am, but this to me seems like he is falling in love with me. I don't know what else to look for when figuring out if someone is in love with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 This thread is so confusing. Gwyneth changes her tune depending on whom she is responding to. This thread is not filled with BSs. GEL is not the only OW on this thread. She is, in my opinion, enabling Gwyneth's confusion and backtracking. What I always find interesting though, is that its ALWAYS an OW that brings up the whole BS thing. Thus starting the typical downturn in a thread. You know, its entirely possible to defend YOURSELF without insulting/offending OTHERS. Bitterness is certainly not limited to the betrayed. That whole comment is just getting tired and old. It would be nice to see it disappear from these conversations. We have already established that to a person currently involved in an A, the only bitter folks are the BSs and the xOPs. Give it a rest already. Gel is in no way whatsoever enabling my confusion. IF you are tired of hearing about the bitterness and whatnot, then why bring it back up? Let it go! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 But you're enabling his behaviour by allowing him to do this. I mean, you could tell him not to touch you, hug you etc., and when he looks into your eyes with that look, you could get up and change the subject or say I have to go. If you react differently towards him then it would make him stop or at best, slow down. Just FYI, NID is a wonderful and helpful poster here on LS and all she is doing is making a point too, just like afew others have done so. NID isn't a bitter poster at all. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Gel is in no way whatsoever enabling my confusion. I'm glad that I'm not keeping you confused... From what you have written you seem like you know what you want and you two aren't even having sex, so no harm, no foul? Oh no here they come... Just kidding guys! A little "humor" there... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 But you're enabling his behaviour by allowing him to do this. I mean, you could tell him not to touch you, hug you etc., and when he looks into your eyes with that look, you could get up and change the subject or say I have to go. If you react differently towards him then it would make him stop or at best, slow down. Just FYI, NID is a wonderful and helpful poster here on LS and all she is doing is making a point too, just like afew others have done so. NID isn't a bitter poster at all. I never said NID is bitter; where did I say that? I said in general, there are quite a few posters particularly responing to OPs who seem a bit bitter. I never named any particulars. Sorry if I made it seem that way--I wouldn't ever really pinpoint certain people I find bitter or whatever, unless they are straightforwardly rude to me. Then yeah, I kick butt Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Gel is in no way whatsoever enabling my confusion. IF you are tired of hearing about the bitterness and whatnot, then why bring it back up? Let it go! You are right. GEL is not enabling your confusion. You were confused when you first posted and that hasn't changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Which is why I am still here today. Thank you for taking the burden off Gel; it just isn't fair to transfer my issues onto her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I never said NID is bitter Was just clarifying, that's all because you haven't named particulars.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Okay, sounds good Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Now about the controlling falling in love thing...can you further explain that? I do not think it's really possible to prevent yourself from falling in love with someone, because feelings are uncontrolable--I think? Then how will you manage it? I refuse to allow myself to fall in love with an unavailable man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 I am managing it by trying not to think about it too much. The only time I really think about it is when I come on here. I refuse to allow myself to fall in love with him, but I might not have all the control. I think it's the same for him. My question is, is it possible to refuse to fall in love with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 My question is, is it possible to refuse to fall in love with someone? Yes, if you stop contact and back off. Each contact feeds your emotions if they're already heading in that direction, especially if the contact feeds your need for validation (i.e., makes you feel good about yourself). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Right. So what you are saying is, if we keep trying Not to fall in love, yet keep seeing each other, then more than likely we might fall in love, or we Will fall in love? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Right. So what you are saying is, if we keep trying Not to fall in love, yet keep seeing each other, then more than likely we might fall in love, or we Will fall in love? I wouldn't call it love. Infatuation is a much better word. Infatuation is part of the phases of falling in love though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Right, but I'm asking if it's we "might," or we "will" fall in love. I think we are both clearly infatuated with each other. Isn't that the term we use when we are physically attracted to another person? That's how I always used the word. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Right. So what you are saying is, if we keep trying Not to fall in love, yet keep seeing each other, then more than likely we might fall in love, or we Will fall in love? If you keep seeing each other, you will get more deeply involved, you will become more attached, you will find it much harder to detach, and you will hurt when it's over. If you consider that 'in love' then, yes, you WILL fall in love. I can't speak for whether he will or might or won't fall in love. His attentions are divided between you and his wife, and he has a lot more distractions and exits than you do. Men are also capable of compartmentalizing. But you, yes, you will fall 'in love', especially if you start having sex with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Men are also capable of compartmentalizing. This is what I do not understand. I too am able to "compartmentalize," yet I keep being told "You're gonna get hurt! You're gonna fall in love and get hurt!!!" Why is that? Because it's been seen around here so many times, correct? Yet I keep saying I'm strong and stick to my guts about how I should feel and what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 This is what I do not understand. I too am able to "compartmentalize," yet I keep being told "You're gonna get hurt! You're gonna fall in love and get hurt!!!" Why is that? Because it's been seen around here so many times, correct? Yet I keep saying I'm strong and stick to my guts about how I should feel and what I should do. You keep saying you're strong, but then you say you don't know what you'd do if he 'showed up naked' meaning you are susceptible to persuasion to have sex. You keep saying you 'can't' fall in love with him because he's married, but you keep doing everything that will lead to falling in love. You spend too much time thinking about him to be able to not fall in love. And if you fall in love, you will get hurt because you won't be able to have him the way you want him when you're in love. When I say men can compartmentalize, I mean that their feelings about a woman can be boxed and have NOTHING to do with their feelings about anything else. Meaning, he can be in love with you when he's with you, but that won't mean a thing when he's living the rest of his life (when he's not with you). When was the last time you didn't think about him for at least a full, solid hour, not one thought? How about a whole day? When was the last time you went to bed without thinking about him? If he's on your mind that much, you are not capable of compartmentalizing. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 This is what I do not understand. I too am able to "compartmentalize," yet I keep being told "You're gonna get hurt! You're gonna fall in love and get hurt!!!" Why is that? Because it's been seen around here so many times, correct? Yet I keep saying I'm strong and stick to my guts about how I should feel and what I should do. I think I know what you mean about compartmentalizing... I've noticed that I can have a great time with my fwb and have it not mean anything deeper. It's a strange feeling, which I'm not totally sure I like. With a ONS it's different because you don't see them again, but I think I much prefer sex with feelings to sex for it's own sake. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 First of all, I claim that by getting sex you ARE filling in an emotional need, beside the sexual. Secondly, if sex is all you need and get from your guy, then your heart is open to meeting someone who will offer more than that, even though you might not be aware of this, because you're afraid of getting hurt. Denying your emotional needs is denying that need love. Current MM aside, my Rs and As have all been about sex. I get my emotional needs met through friendships. I've never looked for "love" in a R, and I certainly have never been "open to meeting someone who would offer more than that" because I didn't want more than that, I had no need for it, as that need was already met elsewhere. However, my point was not about who needs love, but how both sexes approach a relationship. A man meets a woman and if he is attracted to her body or mind, he wants to have sex with her. At that point, he would be happy even if he just gets sex. Can you imagine a man rejecting a woman because she only wants casual sex with him? But we have seen women who walked away from men because they only wanted the women for sex and fun. I've seen women walk away from men who only want sex, and I've seen men walk away from women for similar reasons. I've also dumped heaps of guys because I only wanted sex while they wanted babies and picket fences and lurve and promises and forever, gimme a break! When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets the urge to spread his sperm and any thought of a serious relationship can only be rational, but not instinctive, even if he is looking for a wife. For a man everything starts with sex and then he takes it from there. If the woman proves to be good enough, he will start seeing her as a potential soul mate. A woman, on the other hand, has a clear concept of who would make a good catch according to the information and preferences in her mind; if she envisions someone as her soul mate, she will not settle for casual sex. If you want just casual sex with your MM, then you don't think of him as your soul mate. The more I read of this, the more I'm convinced I must be a man!! I've never looked for a "potential soul mate". I've only ever looked for a guy who looked like he might be worth getting naked for. That my current MM turned into something a whole lot more serious came as a huge shock to me. First guy who ever wanted more, whose face I didn't laugh in and who I didn't immediately dump and run screaming. Nothing to do with fear of being hurt - I just don't like being crowded, resent the kinds of demands guys make on you (all that emotional stuff, for a start) and want to live my life the way it suits me to live it, not the way it suits someone else. But that's besides the point - sorry Gwyneth for the tj.... Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 The more I read of this, the more I'm convinced I must be a man!! I've never looked for a "potential soul mate". I've only ever looked for a guy who looked like he might be worth getting naked for. That my current MM turned into something a whole lot more serious came as a huge shock to me. First guy who ever wanted more, whose face I didn't laugh in and who I didn't immediately dump and run screaming. Nothing to do with fear of being hurt - I just don't like being crowded, resent the kinds of demands guys make on you (all that emotional stuff, for a start) and want to live my life the way it suits me to live it, not the way it suits someone else. . I know, I know... to each his own...But when I read this kind of thing, I cannot help but think...How Sad...From mankind the noble intelligent creature back down to almost-upright member of the animal kingdom. OE Link to post Share on other sites
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