Am I the only Proud OW on here?

[NoIDidn't]

ladyjane, with all do respect, if you haven't ever been in my shoes, then just don't. Now you are insulting me saying I'm acting like a child and am too immature to handle an affair? I am basing my affair on what I do know and what I have experience in the 12 years I have been dating.

 

I agree with LadyJane on the tone of your posts. But you make a mistake to think that LJ hasn't been in your shoes. She has. She has posted such many, many times before.

 

That is why your posts come off so arrogant. You have not been here for long and assume much about the posters that disagree with you or point out their perspective of your posts. Its not meant to be insulting (in most cases). Its really meant to give you pause. Pause, as in a chance to pull back and think about what you are really putting out there.

 

Trust me, 12 years of dating experience is nothing to MOST of the ladies here that you assume can't advise you on your situation. They may not have been in it, but they have probably watched friends or family go through it. I had an aunt tell me once that I wasn't allowed to drive her car until I had 5 years driving experience. I thought that was forever. Now I realize that she was so right to want me to mature more as a driver before trusting me to drive one of her cars.

 

I remember 26. I had my first child. I thought I knew everything and had experienced everything. I was proven wrong by a person that wasn't even 3 months old. And I can laugh at my naivete now. Its not an insult, its just a fact of life that we look back over our lives and see how immature we were at different times. You will hopefully get the chance to do it in your own. I hope you laugh too.

[Gwyneth]

Okay, I apologize for coming off arogant. I'm just tired of having to repeat myself and defend myself around here. YOu have to understand how tiring that can be. Yeah, I know I'm young and "naive," and have a lot to learn. I have been through a lot.

 

That one ex I talked about, well there's more to that story and I guess since you're all a bunch of strangers who do not know me, I can tell you what happened.

 

I don't really know if he cheated on me, but I am sure he did. Meanwhile, I found out I was pregnant and when I had told him I was late, he didn't really react much to that (he was probably drunk or high--what else?). A week later, he said he and I have to talk. He then ended our relationship. Meanwhile, I knew I was pregnant. Now what was I supposed to do? I knew if I were to tell him I was pregnant, he was just going to say that was My way of keeping him. Turned out I was right--he and his friend, who lived in my house, both agreed that I was lying about being pregnant, and had most of our friends convinced I was this crazy b*tch. I struggled so much with the decisions I had to make. Deep down inside, I knew he knew I was, but he was too Peter Pannish to deal with the facts of life. Well then he began dating this girl who didn't even know he was previously with me--nonetheless possibly pregnant with her BF's baby. He would hook up with her in the house I lived in (this was college). I ended up having an abortion because that seemed to be the best choice to make (please no pro-life comments). Still 'til this day, he doesn't really know that I was pregnant, nor does he know I had an abortion.

 

I know many of you have suffered a great deal, but I think Every one suffers with love in one way or another. This for me was by far the worst thing I have ever gone through (other than the loss of my grandfather). Very few people know of my abortion, and I have shared it with many online communities basically discussing similar topics. YOu know, I'm not saying my situation is worse, but trust me when I say having an affair with a married man and hurting his wife is nothing compared to the pain I endured while barefoot and pregnant. The fact that this slimeball (he's the slime ball) would bring his new gf over and hook up with her--possibly knowing I was pregnant with his baby, just sickens me still to this day. Did I make the right decision? I think so. At times I wish I didn't have the abortion, but I was 22 and too young to be a mother, in my opinion.

 

So yeah, I have experienced pain like some of you BS's have, even though it's a different situation. I really didn't want to have to explain myself in this way, but it does help me to open up on this board a bit more.

 

Wow, my best friends don't even know about my abortion. It does feel good to get that out.

[NoIDidn't]

Gwyneth

 

I am only a few years older than you. This A may just be what you need to help you mature in ways you never dreamed possible. M has been that for me. Life comes at you fast. As my H told me yesterday, a motivational speaker said "Shift Happens".

 

I don't think you need to defend yourself. No one here can do a thing to affect you or your choices. Try not to take what is posted so seriously or personally. Some of us do understand how you are feeling and what you are feeling. We are just a ways from it in many ways. Its hard to read about a situation like yours and not respond passionately.

 

You really don't need to defend yourself, unless you just like doing so. Not defending yourself is not a sign of weakness.

 

Editted to add: Glad you decided to open up a little. Sorry about the abortion and the following pain. I am sure it was a difficult time for you.

[Gwyneth]

I just naturally defend myself. I always have

[bish]

ladyjane, with all do respect, if you haven't ever been in my shoes, then just don't. Now you are insulting me saying I'm acting like a child and am too immature to handle an affair? I am basing my affair on what I do know and what I have experience in the 12 years I have been dating.

 

I reall think this is a dead end thread that is just going no where. I think this is a closed topic. I know what I know, I feel how I feel, and no one can change that. .

 

Well if you really feel that way and are all proud and giddy...then announce it. Go up to his wife and tell her how happy you are to be with her husband.

 

After you do that...get back to us.

[JackJack]

ladyjane, with all do respect, if you haven't ever been in my shoes, then just don't. Now you are insulting me saying I'm acting like a child and am too immature to handle an affair? I am basing my affair on what I do know and what I have experience in the 12 years I have been dating.

 

I reall think this is a dead end thread that is just going no where. I think this is a closed topic. I know what I know, I feel how I feel, and no one can change that. That was the point of this thread to begin with.

 

15 pages later, and two OW in this thread arguing their case, we have reached no where but square one. Let's just end this PLEASE! I have asked previously we close this thread and move on.

 

Someone else beat me to it as far as telling you LJ's situation. Anyway my point is, on this thread as well as the other, you do NOT want others to ASSUME anything about you, but yet you do the exact same thing you complain about. You ASSUME others who give you information have not been in your shoes.

 

You say you recall this is a dead thread, and maybe even the other one. but you YOU keep replying therefore keeping the thread going. The same with the other one as well.

 

You state you natually defend yourself and always have, also you say over and over again you feel the need to explain of defend yourself, no one does that but YOU. YOU don't have to, you choose too.

 

You want other people to stop "arguing their case", then YOU let it die.

 

Good Luck.

[american-woman]

to be used? Do you really think he will leave his wife for you? Why should he when he can have his cake and eat it to. Your post sounds of anger are you angry because someone did that to you and now you feel its payback time? Your only hurting yourself and disrespecting yourself. My god woman have some class will you? Do you really think that low of yourself?

[OpenBook]

Gwyneth I think it's awesome that you haven't slept with him. I believe he is quite enamored with you. He took a huge risk to email you from his home. Unfortunately, talk is cheap when it's coming from men. The love they feel, especially at the beginning, is fickle. His feelings could change tomorrow. But I think you already know this.

 

I say, continue to withhold your body and your heart from him. If he really loves you, he will ACT to change his life so that he can be with you fully. And if he doesn't do this, then you have lost nothing.

[RecordProducer]

to be used? Do you really think he will leave his wife for you? Why should he when he can have his cake and eat it to. Your post sounds of anger are you angry because someone did that to you and now you feel its payback time? Your only hurting yourself and disrespecting yourself. My god woman have some class will you? Do you really think that low of yourself?

 

Actually, Gwyneth is the one using HIM while not giving him pussy. C'mon, you must admit she has the self-control that women rarely possess, whatever her reason. He is NOT eating his cake, because she is not letting him.

 

Gwyneth is starting to sound more and more mature to me. She is stubborn, cold-headed, and introvert. I am actually more concerned about her fear of getting hurt than about her getting hurt in the future. Once in a while, we must experience pain in order to live and learn. She will be fine.

 

I think it's time we leave her alone. We said what we had to say about her affair and she heard it. Insulting her is not the right method of persuasion. After all, her life is none of our business. She posted, we replied; let's get over it now.

[woe_is_me]

So let me just get this straight Gwyneth, sorry i haven't read ALL the posts .. just a quick visit..

 

In a nutshell, you've decided that you're going to spend most of the time that you're not with your mm online.. and never have sex for the rest of your natural life? That sounds fantastic!

 

You've already admitted to see-sawing between being unhappy with the situation and happy with the situation.

 

He sounds like a prat. Good Luck Gwyn.

[child_of_isis]

oh yeah.

 

There are many of us that can say...been there done that. Got the T-shirt.

 

Some can learn from others mistakes.

 

Some just have to go through the crap themselves.

 

I agree with LadyJane on the tone of your posts. But you make a mistake to think that LJ hasn't been in your shoes. She has. She has posted such many, many times before.

 

[RecordProducer]

My grandmother used to say "the best sense is bought sense and a hard head makes a soft behind." I never understood it until I had children of my own.

Can you translate it for us, please?

[RecordProducer]

It means that you can't beat a lesson into anyone. They have to be willing to accept that someone may know a little more than they do about life. And if they won't heed warnings, the best way for them to learn how deep the hole is, is to actually fall in it. Thus a hard head(stubborn) makes a soft behind(humbled). Making it easier for the world to kick.

Got it.

[Mino]

Anything and any reason is possibly, luvmy2ns. I don't have all the answers nor am I an expert at why people cheat. I base my views on what I do know and this comes from what others tell me. I'm sure you are very right. What about, though, when the cheating spouse isn't getting any sex from the OP? Oh right, they're just waiting.

Hi Gwyneth, Gee this tread IS Crazy, you and Gel with all BS. I would have given up a long time ago trying to debate with them, They will always see wrong with the ow/om. They are sitting on the betrayed side. I guess they come to our board to let out their fustrations...... How the saying, " Take one day at a time" enjoy today we are not promised tomorrow. Good luck Gwyneth

[GreenEyedLady]

Hi Gwyneth, Gee this tread IS Crazy, you and Gel with all BS. I would have given up a long time ago trying to debate with them.

 

I just had to represent, you know!

[Gwyneth]

I'm learning to Ignore the BSs around here. My god, they are brutal and bitter! I certainly did Not come here to talk to a bunch of BSs. I came here to talk to OW/OM, hence the name of this room.

 

Thank you for those who have supported me and tried to at least understand me, while at the same time trying to feed me support in a non-arrogant way. For those of you who do not get me, you just do not get cheating, period. For those of you who say I'm immature, that just proves how well you do NOT know me. I am a really mature 26 year old who just happens to be engaged in an affair with a MM. I bet if I was older, you woudln't be calling me immature. The fact that I'm only 26 and some of you are older and still see me as a child shows your own character. We all have flaws, and right now mine is that I am having an affair with a MM and am having no regrets about it.

[reboot]

BS have no corner on the bitterness market. Shall I find you a couple of dozen bitter OW threads to read?

 

This is a public forum. If you put it out there, you have to expect people to tell you what they think. It's quite unrealistic to expect less.

[torranceshipman]

Gwyneth,

I've been in your shoes (and am around your age) - I was briefly involved in an A with a guy who swore blind he loved me and was already leaving his (very long term) partner before we 'got together'...well I had a few doubts and posted on here, like you did. At first I was a bit defensive but I STILL owe these LoveShack posters bigtime (many of whom are probably replying to this thread and your others). Why? Because they opened my eyes and I got out of that A pronto - ended it quick, suffered the consequences (MM's dont like it when you do that to them, lol....fragile ego' etc)! - and moved on, pretty easily I might add, as I saw the guy for the sad case he was. But if these LoveShackers hadnt shown me some seriously tough love and hard talk when needed, I might still be believing his crap to this day - but I'm not, I may not have likeda lot of what I heard here, but it made me question things...as a result I ended it pretty quick, and as a result, I'm very happy and well away from him! (-; THe A didnt last long at all, thank goodness. And I'm a lot wiser for it.

 

You DO sound arrogant, and I have no idea why you think people are just attacking you - in your threads, I see a lot of good people giving you some great advice because they want to help you - tough love, basically - its just that you dont like hearing it, and who would, in your situation? You are obviously totally crazy about the guy - that comes across, and you're understandably scared of getting hurt - and you're hurt now, thats clear too (as the guy you are crazy about has a W and will not leave her...why else would you post all this?).

 

Good luck tho....I hope you work this out to have a happy ending.

[norajane]

Hi Gwyneth, Gee this tread IS Crazy, you and Gel with all BS. I would have given up a long time ago trying to debate with them, They will always see wrong with the ow/om. They are sitting on the betrayed side.

 

I'm learning to Ignore the BSs around here. My god, they are brutal and bitter! I certainly did Not come here to talk to a bunch of BSs. I came here to talk to OW/OM, hence the name of this room.

 

I pulled up the list of people who posted on this thread. You are very wrong of you think it's all BS's, or even mostly BS's. Without naming names, there are some BS on this thread, some OW, and some who fall into neither category.

 

Perhaps it is easier to dismiss the viewpoints you don't agree with if you believe they are coming from BS's. But by making that assumption, you are not realizing that you are also dismissing some of the OW's as well.

[Gwyneth]

I did not say Everyone is a BS around here...did I? That's the problem around here--I write something, then one person twists what I write, and then every one makes their decisions based on what that one person thought I was saying.

 

I originally came her to seek help on how to get out of this afair, but then finally admitted to myself that I am happy to have this man in my life. We have a great friendship, and even if we were to end the affair, I would hope he and I could remain friends or at least aquaintences because he has become very special to me.

 

Maybe some people could learn a lesson or two from me, being that I'm so arrogant yet I have my life right where I need it, instead of looking for reasons to be against me.

 

Yes, I have been slightly attacked around here, and maybe not in this particular thread, but in others. I'm not just saying I have, but other OW have too. I think this affair has helped me figure out who I am, what I want, and how to achieve that. I'm not saying being involved is what I want, but it is certainly cheating me to be strong. Is that so bad that I am really learning how to be strong?

 

I don't even know why I bother around here. I really dislike half the things I'm being told because each affair is a case by case kind of deal. What happened to one OW might not happen to me--yet I see a lot of "oh, you Will get hurt; he Will leave you; he Will stay with his wife," and so forth.

 

[Gwyneth]

I've answered this many times before. My answers still remains probably not--but I would be there for him as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, friends with benefits, whatever. I wouldn't leave him hanging dry if his wife leaves him because of our affair. I'm not interested in having him as a life partner. He already told me he'd probably cheat on me too. That's why from the start, I have trained myself Not to fall in love with him.

 

Problem is--he has, I believe, fallen in love with me. How do I swallow that one?

[Gwyneth]

It won't because I am a Strong woman who has been through a Whole lot and knows how to handle bad situations really well. I'm prepared for the absolute worse...isn't that good enough? Hey, maybe I'm wrong, but I pray to God every night that I am right. Maybe all of you are right--I'll fall apart when he leaves me. Why is it hard for some of you to see that I just might be right when I say I'll be okay, move on, and stay strong? Is that impossible? I sure hope not. I stayed strong through my last breakup, even though it was hard, I stayed strong. But going into this affair, I know what the outcome is, so therefor I am prepared. At first, I was confused--I still am. My feelings are tangled in a web. Yeah, I like him...love him? No. I refuse to allow myself to fall in love with an unavailable man. I do not see him as a lovable object but a friend with benefits--a lover. I will not engage in sex with him for as long as I can hold out (I can't predict what will happen next week or if he shows up naked on my door step one night) because I know once I do engage in sex with him, it's all down hill from there. I will most likely fall in love and become emotionally attached. I have feelings for him right now, but the feelings I do have still allow me to remain strong and not vulnerable at all.

 

I hope my way of thinking can be transferred to those who do not easily cope with heartache.

[whichwayisup]

I've answered this many times before. My answers still remains probably not--but I would be there for him as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, friends with benefits, whatever. I wouldn't leave him hanging dry if his wife leaves him because of our affair. I'm not interested in having him as a life partner. He already told me he'd probably cheat on me too. That's why from the start, I have trained myself Not to fall in love with him.

 

Gwen, is he aware of this? That you won't be there for him (as a girlfriend I mean) if he left his wife? I mean, if he is expecting you there, since you two are friends, let him know your intentions.

Problem is--he has, I believe, fallen in love with me. How do I swallow that one?

 

Then this really complications the friendship. IT has a completely different meaning and your intentions are much different than his.

 

How do you swallow that? Well, if you don't love him and don't want him that way, then you need to emotionally detach yourself from him so he can not focus on his feelings for you and become MORE attached to you.

 

It doesn't feel nice to love someone, want them and then deal with them not loving you back the same way, let alone not want you 'that' way too. It's like back in high school, having a crush on a guy and he knows it, but doesn't like you back that way, yet he keeps you hanging, giving you attention with NO intention of doing anything about it. That's called mindgames...

Not saying that is what you're doing in a sense, but in the whole picture, knowing that you don't want him let alone want him if he leaves his wife to have a real relationship, what is the point of all this now? Not liking his wife, not understanding why he hasn't left yet etc...What does it matter seeing as you don't want him to begin with? I hope this makes sense.

 

I think most are just trying to help you before you get hurt, that's all. Atleast I know that's where I'm coming from when replying to your posts.

[Gwyneth]

Also, as a side note, MM Never made any promises to me. He has been straight forward with me about how this is, and that there are No gaurantees he'd leave his wife. He hasn't lied to me--unless that is a lie, that he isn't going to leave the wife. There's no excuses either to make for him saying this--so I don't even bother. I will say, though, that it most likely would be that if his wife didn't have a child, this MM would probably be more willing to leave than not. I think this kid holds that marriage together, sadly. A part of me just knows this marriage will not last for the reason that his wife knows he is not a faithful man (she knew going into this marriage) and she has Always been suspicious of his every move. No excuses, but I'm just trying to point out that MM has never been dishonest with me about our affair and the circumstances surrounding the affair. I'm not going to sit here and say "Yeah, he'll leave his wife and he and I can be all la-di-da together," because that would be me being in denail. I think I am so comfortable in this affair because he and I are upfront honest with each other about the situation. I think he unexpectantly may be falling in love with me. Well, me being a woman knows this was a possibility, but I don't think he expected that.

[Gwyneth]

Gwen, is he aware of this? That you won't be there for him (as a girlfriend I mean) if he left his wife? I mean, if he is expecting you there, since you two are friends, let him know your intentions.

 

 

Then this really complications the friendship. IT has a completely different meaning and your intentions are much different than his.

 

How do you swallow that? Well, if you don't love him and don't want him that way, then you need to emotionally detach yourself from him so he can not focus on his feelings for you and become MORE attached to you.

 

It doesn't feel nice to love someone, want them and then deal with them not loving you back the same way, let alone not want you 'that' way too. It's like back in high school, having a crush on a guy and he knows it, but doesn't like you back that way, yet he keeps you hanging, giving you attention with NO intention of doing anything about it. That's called mindgames...

Not saying that is what you're doing in a sense, but in the whole picture, knowing that you don't want him let alone want him if he leaves his wife to have a real relationship, what is the point of all this now? Not liking his wife, not understanding why he hasn't left yet etc...What does it matter seeing as you don't want him to begin with? I hope this makes sense.

 

I think most are just trying to help you before you get hurt, that's all. Atleast I know that's where I'm coming from when replying to your posts.

 

I would Love to have him, but I know it just would not work, because I know he's not a faithful man. I'm not trying to play mind games, as I have stated in my previous post (of course you replied before I wrote that post or at the same time). The problem is, he might be falling in love unconciously or without control. He said in the beginning we cannot fall in love with each other because he's married--I asked him how can he stop that from happening, and he said we just cannot because we have to keep in mind he's married and because of that, he knows he cannot fall in love with me. I thought "okay, let's try that." Now I believe he is falling in love with me and I do not know if he will admit that--probably will not, and yeah, I know that can complicate things further.

 

It can get uglier now. Oh lord, what do I do?

 

And yes, he knows I wouldn't be there for him as a girlfriend, but things change and people change their minds, so I really think it will matter what the circumstances are at the time, but I just do not see myself in a serious relationship with a man who cheated on his wife to be with me. I think I'd be a fool to allow this to happen. Like I said, though, things happen and people change. I just have to keep in mind I will not allow myself to fall in love with him or be in a relationship with him. Man, I hope this whole being a strong woman thing works as well as I am expecting it to...