am I just mad??

[Morcheeba]

Hi,

 

I'd love to get some advice from you. I've got a problem with my fiancee that's really driving me nuts at the moment. And it is about me being jealous of his family, mainly his younger sister! Which sounds quite odd, I have to admit. I really don't know if it is only me being stupid or if I have the right to feel the way I feel.

 

My fiancee and I get along so well and he's all I ever wanted. And he is very good to me and always shows how much he cares. But it just bothers me so much how close he is to his sister. He also admitted that she is jealous. She really tries to get his attention a lot, she's sending sms every day and they talk to eachother on the phone several times a week.

 

Altough we are living in another city than his family I feel threatened by them being so close. They really didn't make a lot of an effort to make me feel welcome. They were not unfriendly, but they kind of showed, that they are scared of losing a family member.

 

We are often arguing about this and he says, he feels stuck in the middle. And I don't want him to feel that - I want him to be at my side.

 

Is that to much to ask for?

 

I'd be really happy about some advice!

 

Greets,

 

Nel

[amaysngrace]

I think it's a really bad idea to come between him and his sister.

 

His admiration for her may very well be the reason he treats you so well. He probably treats women the way he'd like his sister to be treated by her man.

 

I can understand a bit of the jealousy maybe because they have a long history together, but you need to accept that if you hope to have a long future with him.

[Tyra]

I wouldn't really get upset about the situation,it just his sister. And they probably were that close before you came along. It shouldn't matter if the sister don't like you or be friendly towards you,who cares!! But don't come between their sister and brother relationship. They may have had a death in the family, and decided that they need to be closer. I can understand that you may feel jealous or whatever, but don't think it's the end of the world.

[Morcheeba]

Thank you a lot for your advice. I think there is a lot of truth in it. He really is such a wonderful person and never wants to hurt anyone. I'd just like to see that I am his Nr. 1 and not so many persons. Because for me, it is different. First of all comes my fiance, because he is the person I wanna spend my life with and soon want to have a family on our own.

 

And for him it is apparently not like that. Apparently, he loves his sister as much as he loves me. And at the moment I don't really that I will ever be able to accept that. As much I would like to!

 

In my previous relationships I never had to deal with anything like that. Family always is important, of course, but not like that.

 

What can I do to improve this situation for me? I honestly thought about splitting up. Which is awful because we do love each other so much. But before I always have to suffer in the marriage for not being first priority?

 

It seems so hopeless to me at the moment...

 

Thx for listening again,

 

Nel

[Tyra]

Well, why don't you sit down and talk to him, so that he can be aware of how you're feeling inside. Cause if you keep it bottled up, he won't recognize that he's doing anything wrong from your point of view. Let him know that you're not trying to come between the two of them, but you need to feel like you're #1 and not #2.By you not saying anything, he's going to continue.Most definitely, when you two become married, you don't want to be miserable.

[Morcheeba]

Well, I did talk to him about that. He says that he does understand how I feel but he doesn't tell me that I am the most important person in his life. If it would be like that for him I would feel much better.

 

But he just says that the relationship he has with his sister is something completely different (of course) and that both is equally important. And THIS is what makes me so sad.

 

Doesn't everyone wants the be the most special person for someone? Of course siblings take a role in your life. But I would never put them before my future husband!

 

At the one hand, I can't wait to marry this man because I love him so much. But at the other hand I can't see how I can deal with this situation.

 

Does anyone have to deal with a similar situation?

[sweetem]

I think it's a really bad idea to come between him and his sister.quote]

 

I second that. Blood is thicker than water. I know that you are jealous, but there could come a time when your jealousy mixed with hers may cause an disaster.

 

Such as, his sister saying "you know what Bob, its really odd how Sally is so jealous of me. Seems like she is going to a very jealous wife... that would make you miserable, wouldnt it?"

 

Suggestibility could distort his vision of you. Its swell that you told him how you feel, however I think you should talk directly with his sister, with a calm approach. She may be able to fill you in on how she is feeling, and you two may work it out together.

 

In my opinion, that seems to be the only way to "avoid getting between" them. Good luck!

[Morcheeba]

Blood is thicker than water? This is a thing I don't really believe in to be honest. When I look around what kind of things go on in families, I can definitely say, that blood is not always thicker than water. For me it is true concerning a difference between family members and friends. I would certainly do a lot more for my family than for my friends. But husband is blood for me. I don't think that for all married couples still come there siblings first. I think is it naturally that you put your "new family" first.

 

At least that's what I see when I look at the married, happy couples around me.

 

But I also see your point. When I'm coming between them she is gonna try to get rid of me at the next opportunity she's got. When there is a phase when my husband and me don't get along so well.

 

Is there a kind of compromise I can make? That we set fix rules about visits etc. Or is this kind of problem one, that I just can't solve??

 

[Hope_Q]

Is there a kind of compromise I can make? That we set fix rules about visits etc. Or is this kind of problem one, that I just can't solve??

 

I think setting fixed rules specifically for the sister would be a bad idea. Your FH might end up resenting you for infringing on his relationship with his sister. I think you have a lot of options though! Perhaps setting some general guidelines for family interactions would be beneficial (these would apply to both of you and your respective families). Then you wouldn't be singling anyone out. For example, you mentioned that she calls several times a week. You could suggest that if a family member calls while you two are spending time together (eating, TV, talking, etc.), you don't answer and return the call after the activity is over. If you're living with your FH, I think you have the right to request that family members call before stopping over. These two rules will definitely help preserve your privacy as a couple, as well as allow for adequate family time.

 

Also, if you're in good graces with this sister, I suggest maintaining that. A woman is a woman's worst critic and it's obvious your FH trusts and values her opinion. If she gets the impression you're jealous and suspects you of interfering in their relationship, it will only make things worse. You have nothing to be jealous of. They've likely been through a lot together. You cannot and should not try to compete with that; take that burden off your shoulders! Just remember that you're engaged to this man, which means you'll have plenty of years to make your own memories together. It might be advantageous to change your feelings of jealousy to feelings of happiness for your FH having such a close relationship with his sibling. He's really blessed! Many, many siblings don't get along. Let them both know you're (happily) envious of their relationship and that you don't want to come inbetween them (your FSIL might feel threatened by you). Tell your FH you'll be able to fully encourage/support their relationship once some boundaries are in place to protect your privacy as a couple.

 

Good luck!!!