In-laws are tearing my marriage apart!

[Hope_Q]

Ok, I need to vent. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we're very happy with each other. I can truly see us sharing the rest of our lives together as well as raising children (we currently don't have any kids but we both have the desire to be parents some day). Granted, we have our typical "married-couple disagreements," but the biggest threat to our happiness is his mom and sister's interference in our lives.

 

When my H and I first began dating, his mom and sister were very kind to me. His sister showed no reservation to help feel comfortable and welcome during our dating period, which I'm still grateful for today. We were actually becoming friends and would frequently email, call and hang out together. Unfortunately, his mother's warmness chilled after we became engaged. I was no longer acknowledged when we would visit (but if one of H's friends visited, she would make a HUGE production in greeting them), she would frequently disguise antagonizing comments with smiles and giggles, when visiting our house she has implied her sense of entitlement/ownership several times because she helped H with appliances on his FIRST home (which means she "helped" him get where he is today and if it wasn't for HER HELP, we wouldn't have what we do... sorry, but $2000 in appliances is a drop in the bucket when it comes to buying home -- it was also well within H's means, she WANTED to help as H put it). She has made it her perrogative to make my life genuinely miserable by passive-aggressively asserting her position as "Queen Mum" when it comes to her children.

 

I have tried so hard to bite back my hurt, keep smiling and play nice in effort to keep the peace. I feel sorry for MIL because she's been a widow for 5 years now (FIL died unexpectedly from a heart attack) and I cannot imagine how painful that must be. Apparently after this happened, H said she became overbearingly involved with his life. He bought his own house shortly after that because (in his words) he "couldn't take it. They would always ask me where I was going, what I was doing, why I had to do that and [my sister] would nag me constantly to stay home with [mom]." SIL taken the title of MIL's personal body guard. If anyone even gives her mom a slighted look, she's all over them. Anyway, H used to travel 90% for his job back then and was hardly home before he moved out, and then they saw him even less. This continued until H and I met at work and became serious about our relationship. He found a new job with only 20% travel and I moved in with him from my apartment. Mind you this is about 60 miles away from his family.

 

It didn't take me long to realize that his mom and sister have issues with his infrequent visits. One afternoon, MIL, SIL and I went shopping; they both ended up confronting me with why he never calls and doesn't visit enough. After all, "he's only traveling 20% of the time now." Little did I know that would be the start of many guilt trips to come. The catch is that MIL has NEVER ONCE called our house. Never. She expects him to do all the calling and traveling. Many times she's made comments about just wanting him to call her once a week. My question is, why can't she call? If she's really interested in what's going on with her son, I don't understand why she can't at least show some effort. Instead, she puts all the responsibility on his shoulders and then blatantly expresses her disapointment (another guilt trip!). It never fails, everytime we visit, we're grilled before we leave about why we can't stay longer and "what do you have to do at home that you need to leave right away?" UM, first of all, that's none of your business! We are grown adults and do not need to justify to anyone what business we need to address at home. Second of all, it doesn't matter how long we're there and she'll always make some snide comment about us leaving, or "come back when you can stay awhile!" she said to me at 6:00PM after we had been there since 9:00AM!!

 

Besides the frequent guilt trips, her general attitude toward me cold and abrasive. She rarely acknowledges me when we arrive for a visit. Actually at SIL's baby shower, she didn't say one word to me until after everyone left and H came to pick me up. A month before our wedding she was sure to coyly recite "a daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life, but you lose your son when he finds a wife..." a thinly veiled affirmation that she considers me to have taken her son from her. She has made comments about what I choose to eat and my weight. I'm a healthy, slim woman (5'5" 120lbs) and I'm happy with my body. She's made it known that she HATES my mother and refuses to come to our house if she's going to be there. H and I decided to start making our own traditions and we claimed Easter as our holiday. The first year we hosted it, both of our families came (his family consisted of MIL, SIL & BIL). His family isolated themselves to the living room and barely socialized with anyone. MIL exchanged 4 sentences with my mom and somehow my mom catastrophically offended her and now EVERYTHING is my mom's fault. They refused to come last year because my family would be there and they didn't even call to wish H a happy Easter... that's HIS responsibility, mind you. H was really hurt that they didn't come; I think that was an eye opener for him.

 

Now it's Thanksgiving time. H and I agreed that we would alternate from my family to his and had mentioned that to his mom once. Well, his dad's family from out of state is having dinner on Saturday and he wanted to go. Since it's a 2-night stay and we wouldn't leave until Friday, I said I'd want to go to my mom's on Thursday; we agreed. H mentioned this to his mom the other night and she all but flipped out on him. I've never seen him end a conversation so quickly. Well, the next day she called and (very nicely) suggested we cancel going out of state and just have Thanksgiving at her house on Thursday. H and I talked about it that night both agreed. Later that night H said SIL sent an email w/ new baby pics and I sat down to look at them with him. After the pictures and a guilt trip, were some very nasty, unwarranted words about my mother. H closed the email before I could finish the rest of it and wouldn't tell me what the rest of it said. I was so ticked off!

 

I've had it!! My mother said she'd have Thanksgiving on whatever day both her kids could be there. H and I made a compromise on how to spend our holiday... they have no right to infringe on that! They have no right to disrespect my family and me! I am so uncomfortable with the thought of having to deal with these people for the rest of my life. And I certainly don't intend to bring children into this world with such hostile, judgemental family members. I told H I don't know if I can deal with these people for much longer and that I'm not comfortable having kids with him. Thankfully, H is sick of their attitudes too and he doesn't like all the problems they're causing between us. He sent an email to her and set her straight... I hope it will help!! All in all, I'm so happy H is sticking up for our family and my family. As of now, I'm not going to Thanksgiving at his mother's, although I'm encouraging him to go. It's my holiday too, and I'm all done being a walking doormat for those two. Why should I spend my holiday with those who are hurtful, mean-spirited, back-stabbing and who obviously are not supportive of me or my marriage. I honestly don't know if I can stay in this marriage if things don't improve... for my future children's sake!

 

Man... it feels so good to get this stuff out! I know it's long. Sadly, I could go on!

[rajeev.nair]

my parents would deal badly with my wife. I think it a custom to have fight with MIL.

 

My story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131819/

 

After a lot of mind games, my wife totally cut-off any communication with them, now she has peace. But I get caught with dealing with my parents and mom plays drama with me. Finally, I had to put an end to my agony.

 

I guess you guys are going through the same series.

 

Dont leave your H because of his mother, be patient - things will come open sooner.

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh boy - your MIL sounds like my mother. I agree with the other poster, but only somewhat - do not leave your husband over what his mother does - but you need to watch how he handles it and whether or not he lays down some ground rules. This is his issue to resolve, not yours.

 

Your husband needs to advise your MIL that if she continues with her behaviour, she will no longer see him. He needs to explain that you are his wife and therefore either you are welcomed in her home, or neither of you will be there. He should further suggest to her that if she ever wants to enjoy a relationshp with her future grandchildren, she better start being welcoming and warm to their mother and other grandmother.

 

It's really very simple. I know it is very hard to do - but it CAN be done. My family is completely impossible to me and they really do not like my b/f of 3 years (he is of a different religion) - I made it very clear that I choose to spend my free time with him, and if they don't want to spend time with him, that is fine, but then they wouldn't see me either.

 

Now they are perfectly pleasant to him - still awful to me, but I choose to allow that, for the most part.

 

Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

Do you love your husband? Is he a nice guy?

 

Because if he's a great guy and you love him for who he is... then you're dealing with the woman who carried him and raised him, the one who installed his core values, who started him on his journey to becoming the man he is today.

 

My advice to you would be to take 'the high road'. Regardless of what a PIA she might be, and regardless of the fact that your husband might agree with you on that... she's his mother and odds are he loves her.

 

25 years ago, I had a rocky start with my MIL too. Today, we're fast friends and I love her to bits and pieces.

As my own children grow, I understand more about how she might have felt 'back in the day', and I can identify more readily with her fears and concerns at that time, even though they proved groundless. She didn't really know me. I didn't really know her either. She felt threatened. So did I.

 

I think the trick to it is to go in firmly resolved to find THE BEST in the other person, to give them the benefit of the doubt when motives seem murky.

 

Over the years, I've cultivated our relationship and tried to make it stand on it's own. Through my consistent actions, I've reassured her that I have her son's best interests at heart, and that she'll ALWAYS have a place in her grandchildren's lives no matter what. I've called her when she's sick, shook her down for recipes, and treated her like a friend. I occasionally send her son for one-on-one time alone, so she doesn't feel like she needs to go through me in order to get to him. Sometimes I send the kids with him, sometimes we all go together, but you know what?... even though she really did appreciate having her son or grandkids to herself now and then, these days... if she complains at all, she complains that she doesn't get to see ME often enough. How's THAT for a girl who had a rough start with the in-laws?

 

It takes time. And yeah, you'll need to set boundaries now and then. This running commentary about your mother for example. Of course, you need to speak up about that. But you can take the sting out of it by offering a compliment along with your gentle rebuke, ie "Mom, you know I love you and I couldn't be happier with the great job you did raising my husband, but it makes me uncomfortable when you talk about my mother like that".

 

Unfortunately, you can't WIN against this woman without your husband losing something. And because you're partners, when he loses you lose as well. So... you play smart not hard.

You can only eat a bear one bite at a time, right? If you want to be a part of her family, then find little ways now and then to make her a part of yours.

[stillafool]

I send my h to his mom's for one on one time also. Now that we are 3000 miles from her it's kind of tough. She complains that she never sees me also. She has done a lot of really hurtful things to me as well but I've always tried to treat her nice when I see her. I had to distance myself from her for my own sanity but always encouraged my h to call and see her.

 

It's a tough thing dealing with the MIL but it's his mother and he loves her. The funny thing is after 10 years of marriage I now love her too, even though she still doesn't treat me that well. I don't know why that is but if someone hurt her they'd have to deal with me.

 

Maybe down the road your relationship with your MIL will change too. Give it time and for God's sake don't leave your h or not have kids because of her.

[Hope_Q]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate the advice. I definitely agree with you, ladyjane14: [unfortunately, you can't WIN against this woman without your husband losing something. And because you're partners, when he loses you lose as well. So... you play smart not hard. ]. I certainly don't want to deprive H of a relationship with his mom; I don't think I could live with myself if I would even propse the notion. I agree that playing smart is definitely the avenue I need to pursue, but it's difficult to keep a level head when emotions are running high. I always think of what I should have done/said in response to one of her veiled comments. She always seems to catch me off guard.

 

I'm encouraged by those who have built a friendly relationship with their MIL. I give all of you boat-loads of credit. Honestly, I don't know if that's in the cards for me, but I would like to stay optimistic. Hopefully someday we'll be able to mend fences, agree to disagree, and get along for the greater good. I certainly don't want to be at odds with her, but I can't continue to allow the belittling comments and blatant disrespect to me and my family.

 

It's because of her disrespect that I don't feel comfortable having children w/ H. I will not allow her impose such unfair and judgemental complexes into their heads. I can't even imagine how confusing it will be to them when they don't come for Easter. How am I supposed to explain that to them?

 

About 9 months ago, MIL, SIL & BIL came up on a Saturday; we spent the day together, went out for dinner and they stayed the night. I had fallen asleep in the living room where H and MIL were visiting and excused myself to go to bed. While trying to fall asleep, I overheard parts of their conversation (we have very thin walls; I was not purposefully eavesdropping by any means). MIL persistently voiced her negative feelings and thoughts about my family, esp my mother. H tried to steer the conversation in other directions, but she plowed on in disrespecting and basically "trash talking" my mother: she didn't pay enough for our wedding, she wasn't welcoming enough when they first met, she's snobby, all-in-all the end-all-be-all worst person to ever walk the earth, etc, etc. She went on and on and on about how she hates my mother despite the fact that this was a rare opportunity to spend some quality one-on-one time w/ her son. I was absolutely LIVID after this and I will never, ever look at her the same again. If she EVER pulls that garbage in my house again, I'm going to march out to her, sit in front of her and ask her to continue so I can at least defend my family. ANWAY, my point is that if we would have young children and they were to overhear these unfounded comments, how would they process that? And how would I be able to explain to them that "Grandma H doesn't like Grandma M and that's why she says such mean things." Great, so that's teaching them that it's OK to made rash, hurtful judgements of someone who you barely know and to say mean, hurtful things about them. God forbid we try to resolve the conflict and act like adults.

 

I love H, but I will not allow these values/actions to be displayed to my children as being acceptable. They are not acceptable. I want my children to be involved w/ BOTH their grandmas, but I can't do that if these are the types of actions they will learn from her (and from SIL). Undoubtedly, they will learn the actions of gossiping, judging, namecalling, etc on their own from other children. They don't need an authoratative figure such as their grandmom reinforcing these behaviors.

 

For an update on our current situation, SIL responded that she doesn't know of anyway they've ever made me feel uncomfortable and to bring these actions to her attention so they can be corrected. Unfortunately, there won't be an opportunity for us to speak until Thanksgiving. That's not exactly an ideal time to discuss these issues, however, I'm more than willing to bring their hurtful actions to their attention. Let's put our cards on the table, so to speak. It's either going to make things better or worse. And if things get worse, I will need to decide if I can deal with these people for the rest of my life, while battling raising children with good moral and ethical values (despite MIL and SIL's actions). Children shouldn't have to deal with such stupid, illogical adult complexes and I'll be darned if I'll allow it to happen to mine.

 

This situation seems almost impossible!!!

[Hope_Q]

Double Post... Sorry!

[Ladyjane14]

Who's the bigger person in the situation, you or your mother-in-law?

 

My guess is that it's you. When you stop to consider WHY people bad-mouth others, you realize that they're trying to build their own self-esteem at someone else's expense. Because if they can get other people to agree that they're the better person based on whatever the topic of discussion is... then they can feel good about themselves and feed their flagging ego.

 

These kind of people tend to suffer from a chronic case of low self-esteem. They're just looking for ways to put a band-aid on it. Note that the victim of the bashing is usually somebody they're envious of or feel otherwise threatened by.

 

It kind of takes the teeth out of the monster when you realize that this mean old harridan is actually just afraid that people won't love her enough, doesn't it?

[Trialbyfire]

It sounds like she's holding on desperately to her family, especially with the loss of her husband.

 

It's unfair to expect that your H be forced to choose between his wife and his mother.

 

Your MIL reminds me of my ex-MIL. What I did from the beginning was not to challenge her dominance and, let things slide which weren't that big a deal to me. If you only assert yourself when it truly matters, she will back off when she knows you mean business. Pick your battles with a personality like this.

 

In response, she fully accepted me into the fold of the family (we're very close and really love each other like mother and daughter, without all the family baggage) and even though my ex and I are divorced, continues to treat me like a member of the family, siding with me more than her own son. I mean after all, he's never right.

[Hope_Q]

Ladyjane, thank you. I needed to hear that perspective. As unfortunate as it is, I believe she does have self-esteem issues. She has actually admitted to me that she "needs to realize that there's another mom around now," an example of how she's threatened by my mother. And yes, it does take the teeth out of the monster!

 

I also think you're right, Trialbyfire, that she's trying desperately to hold onto her family. I also agree with your suggestion of 'picking your battles', however I haven't picked ONE argument with her, ever. I always let it slide and try very hard to maintain pleasantness (maybe that's why it's eating me alive?). I definitely don't want to challenge her dominance; she's his mother and I certainly respect that. Am I wrong to want that respect reciprocated? Also, I absolutely do not expect H to choose between his mother and I. As I told him yesterday, I am truly sorry that he's in this position. I am also sorry to find myself uncomfortable with the idea of having children w/H because of MIL and SIL's toxic influence. It's not as cut and dry as "forcing H to choose between MIL and I." I am asking myself serious "life questions" and I'm not satisfied w/ the responses. Honestly, I want to have a baby in the next 3 years and I'm not comfortable having children w/ H. That's a serious problem for me. One, which I want to resolve.

 

We'll see how things go this Thanksgiving. Apparently they ostracized H's aunt (MIL's sister). So... they won't be there. It'll be real cozy with MIL, SIL, BIL, H, me and the baby. Oh, they're also having MIL's brother, who's wife is a total gossip and regularly has her nose up in the air. I can just imagine the picture they've painted of me and my family to her, since she's their new BFF (now that MIL's sister is out).

 

God, can I please spend Thanksgiving with MY family, where I won't be judged and scrutinized???! I have never dreaded Thanksgiving as much as I have this year. Maybe I'll just get good and drunk? LOL