Does he really want to marry me?

[Valrad]

I am just shy of 23 years old and I will have been dating my boyfriend for just shy of 4 years. We are College sweethearts and met our second semester freshman year. While I find it difficult to describe our relationship because we have changed soo soo much throughout the years...I will try my best.

When we first met we were very very excited...but after our first semester things changed because we had to endure a long distance relationship over the summer and only got a chance to see one another once in 3 months. He was very distant and I was the quinessential overly emotional girl. Often times I would cry myself to sleep each night because I felt he was too distant...physically since we are from opposite sides of the country...but mostly emotionally. He would always say he "wasnt a phone person." When I got back he broke up with me. It only took a few weeks for us to get back together but then just a few months later he broke up with me again. Our entire sophomore year was this contrast struggle between him wanting to party and get drunk with his buddies and bet a frat boy and settling down with me. At this time, however, I just wanted a boyfriend that care about me and treated me well and be dedicated, etc. We got back together that year, again, only to go through the same immature ordeal the next summer. Finally I started to wisen up somewhat and just two weeks before we went back to school my junior year I decided to break up with him. I felt that even though it wasnt what I wanted it was what he wanted. I didnt talk to him for two weeks...which was the longest I had ever gone with out speaking to him...and then finally caved in after the Katrina hit. Anyway, I kept talking to him but considering the cirumstances we didnt see each other that entire semester. I sorta dated a few people while hoping he would come to his senses...but he kept telling me he didnt want a girlfriend. I wasnt until I told him that I had become a intimate with someone else that he finally completely broke down and came to his senses. And it wasnt until I told him this that he got his act together. I guess when it came down to it he thought I would wait around for him and wouldnt want anyone else (even if others may have been interested in me)...and he was right because I was stupid and waited around.

 

Granted, during these ups and downs it wasnt all bad...I suppose unlike some people I wanted someone who was wiling to be completely dedicated to me and I had high expectations. He's an amazing person and attratve and peaceful and fully and actually pretty much a genius...and even despite how immature hes been in the past I cant think of a single person, even my own friends, that disliked him even if they didnt agree with what he did.

 

Since that time things have been wonderful and he has learned to really show me how much he loves me. And i know that he really honestly sincerely loves me with all his heart. A while, not long ago, after our third year aniversay I suddenly realized I wanted to marry him. And, most importantly, that I wanted to build a life with him.

 

Since then I have found ways to put the idea in his head. And when I first brought it up I just wanted to know that he saw me in his future. At first it scared him...which isnt abnormal for a someone his age, but Ive been patient...or have tried to.

 

At this point, Ive gotten bolder. I bring up getting married all the time. Ive even sent him pictures of the church and the ring and the reception place..and even told him I know what day I want it to be (which wouldnt be for over a year from now 5 years from the day we first met). And i know its alot but I suddenly feel like I am becoming impatient. He tells me he wants to marry me and have children with me but he's just not ready. And the thing is I think he is afraid of the intense level of commitment. I dont know if its just because its his age or point in his life or what but I am trying so hard to think with my head and not my heart...and while I am willing to stick it out with him...i have dont want to become one of those women who loses 10 years of her life only to realize she is with someone who doesnt want to marry her.

 

Im not silly, I realize we are young. Im just finishing up school and he just got into the working world. We have been planning our lifes around one another. And we support one another emotionally and professionally. We are both very ambitious and overachievers.

 

And I know he really loves me and he has continued to prove it over and over again despite our dramatic 1st year...I also realize that I probably should have gotten over him then considering the circumstances when we were younger (and we were only 19 when we met)...but something kept me with him...maybe stupidity...but I feel so far its turned out well. I dont believe he is stringing me along...I am just worried that him saying he wants to marry me but he's not ready just yet is just some sort of procrastination method. And I am afraid that i will end up being the one making most of the sacrifices. Ive had to explain certain things to him and make him realize that if he is that serious about me I take part in big decisions like what jobs he chooses to take and where we move...and I think he is getting the hang of it...our level of communication had improved soo soo much.

 

I dont know if I said enough for anyone to get the gist of what is goin on...but basically I am wondering if him saying, basically, "yes I want to marry you but not yet" and hes said it many times...could mean he doesnt love me enough...enough love being defined as stepping toward the biggest level of commitment, or marriage. I suppose I am concerned because of how immature he was in the past..and I dont want that part of our history together to repeat itself.

 

And everything I am saying right now, Ive said to him. I am not shy when it comes to my feelings. Ive even told him we could just elope...no big wedding no stressing about saving for a ring...but he still wants to wait. What I really want from him is knowing that he WILL ask me to marry him...and we will move towards marriage. And, while I cant get any of you to predict the future, Im hoping maybe you have give me an idea of what you all are thinking.

 

I cant really talk about this with any of my friends because I dont have a single friend with a boyfriend, or even one who has a decent guy who willing to call the next day. People didnt date at my college. In fact, a guy calling a girl his girlfriend or even calling her during the day when hes not drunk dialing at 3 am is very rare.....so basically I dont have a single friend that is, even remotely, in a similar position...the marriage idea is not even slighly on their agenda. All they want is a guy whos not a scumbbag, so they probably think Im nuts.

 

ok, so what do you think?

 

I should also add that i have made it clear, because of our career goals, that i dont want children for at least another 5 years...so I just want him to be ready for ME right now...I havent asked him to to preare for fatherhood yet.

[SmyrnaGirl]

I think you should take him at face value that he wants to marry you. What do you hope to accomplish in bringing up getting married all the time? IMHO, I'm not sure that constantly bringing it up won't push him in the other direction.

 

Valrad, has he done or said something to make you think he might not really want to marry you?

[norajane]

I don't think pressuring him is going to make him more ready, or will help him get ready any faster. I agree with SmyranGirl, it's likely to push him away from you. And I'll take it further and say he's going to get the impression that life with you will mean a lifetime of you nagging him about what you want without taking into account that he might have fears or a different perspective that's equally valid.

 

IMO, the best way to encourage a guy to be ready to marry you is to show him that life with you feels right simply by relaxing and ENJOYING the relationship. If a guy feels good with you, he'll be a lot more likely to want to marry you than if he always feels anxious or senses that you are always anxious and stressed and pushing him to do something.

 

You're very young. Yes, you've spent 3 years together, but you yourself say how much you've changed. You will both change that much more in the next 3 years - and he'll be a lot more ready to commit to a marriage when he has had some time to be an adult.

 

Instead of sending him pictures of churches and rings, I'd suggest you start discussing some more of the practical matters, like what kind of lifestyle you would want to have together as a married couple, where you would want to live, how you would handle finances and saving money and spending money, how you will resolve conflicts, how do you feel about saving for a down payment on a house vs. spending on vacations and electronics and whatever, etc. Helping him envision your life together will also make him more comfortable about making a lifetime commitment.

[sally4sara]

Frat boy. I would never have bothered.

 

That being said, so he is about 25? More people are waiting to get married these days. Waiting until they can accomplish the whole task of building a life with someone (marriage, house, thinking about kids). Some people figure if they're not ready for everything that goes with it, why get married just yet? I know you are projecting it for when your 5 year anniversary is, and getting married after 5 years sounds reasonable, but it could be that those 5 years for him were just not the right 5 years. I dated my first boyfriend when I was 14. If we had been together for 5 years, would it be a good idea for us to get married at 19? Maybe he doesn't see himself as truly a "grown-up" yet and he isn't ready. It is not uncommon for people to wait till they are invested in their career and more stable and more and more I see people getting married in their 30s.

[Valrad]

Just says that Im putting alot of pressure on him and he doesnt like to feel like he has a timeline (when i mentioned getting married on our 5th year aniversary). Weve made big plans for the future and stuff...I dunno I guess that when he says that stuff it hurts my feelings...and it makes me worry that i am sacrificing too much. Since i was in high school i knew i was going to be a lawyer. And he completely supports me. And I completely support him as well. Im convinced hes goign to be on the front of Fortune Magazine one day...but I want something more. I want a real commitment. I want to know that all my sacrifices...these ranging from limiting my options for which law schools I can go to...to limiting where i accept a job afterwards...are for my husband...not just some college boyfriend And i know I want to be with him and grow together and build a life together but I dont want to make sacrifices for "us" unless he can guarantee me he is completely dedicated to "us"

[Valrad]

 

Frat boy. I would never have bothered...

 

It is not uncommon for people to wait till they are invested in their career and more stable and more and more I see people getting married in their 30s.

 

..........

 

When we met he wasnt a full frat boy yet. He was a pledge in his fraternity and I was a pledge in my sorority. We met at a mixer.

 

But in reference to waiting til Im in my thirties...I never in a million years before I met him thought i would ever be at this point. I always assumed Id go to law school and get my act together and then worry about all that other stuff later...probably in my 30's. In the North East (where I am from) thats not uncommon. Sex and the City came from somewhere. but in this case timing just didnt work out.

[Valrad]

 

Instead of sending him pictures of churches and rings, I'd suggest you start discussing some more of the practical matters, like what kind of lifestyle you would want to have together as a married couple, where you would want to live, how you would handle finances and saving money and spending money, how you will resolve conflicts, how do you feel about saving for a down payment on a house vs. spending on vacations and electronics and whatever, etc. Helping him envision your life together will also make him more comfortable about making a lifetime commitment.

 

 

We've already discussed all those things...though the type of lifestyle we live somewhat depends on how we do financially and where our careers take us...and where we want to live now is were he currently has a job and I will apply to law school once I finish up undergrad next month...but next is unsure because he wants to get his mba, but that time I should be a lawyer by then so Id be supporting him. We've had the finance discussion. Pretty much hes in charge because I like to spend and hes very wise when it comes to budgeting and saving. We've gone over how much debt each of have. Which isnt much because he was on full scholarship and my parents covered all my school expenses. I mean I am young...but Ive tried to proceed with caution. Ive even been reading things about how to deal with conflict...you know the whole idea that you fight to resolve the issue rather than fight to win the argument. And that actually has really improved things despite the fact that Ive spent this semester away from him (since Im finishing up late). Ive always wanted my own home to be proud of but right now its not practical for a while since we wont be settling in one place.

 

 

But I mean I completely get your point that I should stop the nagging. But its just frustrating because it seems like, in general, if I dont open my mouth I just get frustrated. Ive never been good at keeping my feelings inside and i mean if im looking to marry him should I really be worried of how he views me? He should love me as I am...flaws and all.

[Valrad]

 

You're very young. Yes, you've spent 3 years together, but you yourself say how much you've changed. You will both change that much more in the next 3 years - and he'll be a lot more ready to commit to a marriage when he has had some time to be an adult.

 

.....

 

I read somewhere that every 7 years you are an entirely different person. And while I am confident I will change (hopefully for the better)...I dont think for me it makes a difference whether I make this big step at this age or when Im in my thirties. Either way I am going to have to concentrate on making sure these changes are in sync with the needs of my spouse. And even past my 30's and 40's and 50's...Im going to continue to change and grow and mature even more later.

 

Maybe he is too young. But that is not what I am concerned about. I am concerned about whether this may be a sign that he could always feel this way...I may be jumping the gun...but, I mean, at what point do I become that woman who is with someone who doesnt want to marry her? 5 years? 6 years? 7 years? How long am I really suppost to wait for him to come around?

 

Im pushing, aggressive, over opinionated...even a little fiesty...but those are what make me who I am...and I wouldnt want to change that. If I did we'd be boring because he's the calm, passive...practically has no pulse one. And I like that because we balance one another

[sally4sara]

 

Im pushing, aggressive, over opinionated...even a little fiesty...but those are what make me who I am...and I wouldnt want to change that. If I did we'd be boring because he's the calm, passive...practically has no pulse one. And I like that because we balance one another

 

Why do you want to marry him then? Because he will be on the cover of Fortune magazine, and all the time invested? Are you sure you really want his qualities in a husband?

[Valrad]

Why do you want to marry him then? Because he will be on the cover of Fortune magazine, and all the time invested? Are you sure you really want his qualities in a husband?

 

 

What are you talking about? I believe is going to be successful because I love him and think he is intelligent, charismatic, and wonderful.

 

Your comments suggest you may have serious issues. You are clearly a very bitter person. Makes me realize I have a lot less issues to be concerned about than some people out there. Also makes me realize that those with a well functioning relationship likely wouldn't be online trying to give advice...they would be enjoying their relationship.

 

Good luck.

 

 

But thanks though. I already am feeling so much better.

[sally4sara]

I'm not bitter at all dear. I just wondered why you would describe the person you say you love and want to marry as having no pulse. Most of us are excited by who our SOs are and that is part of why we are with them and see a future with them. A lot of people worry about marriage becoming boring over time and I found it odd for you to be pushing sooooo hard for marriage with someone who is the way YOU described him. The only trait you said he has of value is that he will be wealthy later in life. There are some materialistic women out there. If you are one of them, then I can see why you wouldn't want him to slip through your fingers. I didn't say one thing negative about you. your motives, or your choice; simply asked the question because I was wondering why you are worried enough to be posting about it on here.

 

Your assumption of why I asked makes YOU sound bitter.

[norajane]

Maybe he is too young.

 

But that is not what I am concerned about. I am concerned about whether this may be a sign that he could always feel this way...I may be jumping the gun...but, I mean, at what point do I become that woman who is with someone who doesnt want to marry her? 5 years? 6 years? 7 years? How long am I really suppost to wait for him to come around?

 

But he is too young/not ready to want to commit for a lifetime - the evidence of that is that he isn't proposing right now. That doesn't mean he's never going to be ready. It just means he needs more time to get ready.

 

He wasn't mature enough in the past to have a committed relationship with you, but eventually got there. Now, he's not mature enough to make a marriage commitment - you have to give him some more time. He obviously doesn't move at the same pace as you.

 

There is no magic number of years to decide anything. He could be thinking of it as, "yeah, we've dated for 4 years, but we were kids in school. I need to get comfortable as an adult before changing my life again to be responsible to a wife, as well as to kids someday"

 

He's been thinking about getting through college for the last 4 years. It now requires a paradigm shift for him to think about the future, and not just his future, but YOUR future together. He needs to be mentally and emotionally ready, and most guys at his age just are not.

 

And speaking as someone who was on scholarship in college, I can tell you it gives you a very different perspective on life than if your parents are able to support your finances...you realize much earlier on the heavy responsibility of having to rely completely on yourself - you have no safety net other than what you yourself can create. When you then add the thought of having to one day be responsible for children and a wife (even if she works and makes more money than he does, guys still consider it their main responsibility to make sure the family is provided for), it can be a daunting thought. I suspect he needs to get comfortable with his earning power as well as needing to get emotionally comfortable with the concept of marriage.

 

I think you should take this at face value: "yes I want to marry you but not yet"

 

Try not to consider it as 'waiting for him'. Think of this time as time that you are building your present and future together. And enjoy it!

[norajane]

Also makes me realize that those with a well functioning relationship likely wouldn't be online trying to give advice...they would be enjoying their relationship.

 

come on - you wouldn't be here if you didn't need some help. Why not take something from the perspectives offered here, even if they don't seem to apply at first? Why trash the people who are actually trying to give you something to think about?

 

What I would take from sally's posts is that it's not a big stretch to imagine that your bf could also develop the feeling that the pressure you are putting on him with timeline means you just want to GET married rather than wanting him as he is, for the person he is, and giving him the benefit of the doubt regarding the time he's asking for.

 

If you want to marry him for who he is, then don't you have to accept he's not a man who wants to make a decision that will affect your entire lives without giving it more thought, and more time? If he's as wonderful as you think, wonderful enough to want to spend your life with him, then he must be smart enough to know when he's not ready, right?

 

His feelings and fears and concerns are just as valid as yours, aren't they?

[sally4sara]

Exactly.

I only asked to get you to examine why you are pushing for it when the both of you are still so young and you describe him as having "no pulse". It could be anything from being so into getting your education and planning your future that you feel you need to have his intentions mapped out too, to you feeling that because you are planning to have a potentially profitable career you expect a person you marry to also make big money and he embodies this quality; you don't want the time invested to end up the benefit of another girl and need him to show you are the only one for him. There is a difference between finding money important and being simply materialistic.

You came on here saying that you keep pushing and his lack of enthusiasm troubles you. I was just trying to get you to look at yourself for a moment; not attacking you.

Just remember that alot gets lost in translation in text. You can't hear my tone or read my facial expression. No reason to get nasty or on the defensive.