Desperately seeking advise

[km82794]

I am a 34 year old woman who was never been lucky enough to have my own children. Three years ago I met Tim who has full custody of his children who were then 10, 11, and 12.

 

Tim had asked me when we first met if I would one day be able to love his children as my own. I, being a woman who loves kids told him of course I would and that is exactly what I did.

 

Tim and I fell in love quickly and decided to live together. I have spent the last three years of my life loving and taking care of these kids as I would my own.

 

I am not a person who likes to trash another, but in order for you to understand my story I guess it is necessary.

 

Tim's ex gave up her children for a life of partying and alcohal. Since I have been with Tim, she has had two boyfriends who have abused her (in front of the kids). The latest having spent 21 years in prison for robbery and auto theft.

 

She left the kids for months to follow the last boyfriend out of state without even saying goobye. She will not work. She starts drinking at 8 in the morning and in the 8 years that her and Tim have been apart, has not paid one dime in support. Last week Tim's daughter came home from her mothers in tears because her mother refused to drive to the store and buy her tampons. I of course rushed to the store and took care of the situation.

 

Although I have my own opinions of the kids' mother, I have always kept them to myself and tried to be there where she has failed.

 

Although I do understand the hurt and resentment the kids must feel towards their Mom. I have to be honest and say that it has been trying raising three teenagers.

 

The oldest had spent a year skipping school, doing drugs and finally ended up spending two weeks in the detention center for breaking into someone's house !!!. The other two have had their moments, but are otherwise good children.

 

With all the stress Tim and I started to have some relationship troubles. One month ago, we decided to end it and I moved out.

 

Now here is my problem, since I have been gone the kids obviously have had some hope that maybe Mom and Dad could reunite and Tim and I have realized that we do still love each other and have tried to work things out.

 

I have partially moved back in but have to say it has been horrible as far as the kids go. His daughter was caught stealing $100's of dollars of my clothes and underwear that I never took when I moved. His middle son was caught with my bra and panties in his pillowcase and his oldest was just caught smoking cigarettes and pot in the house. Needless to say they are all grounded and in a lot of hot water.

 

I desperately need advise on what to do. The kids are so resentful now that their Dad and I are back together and there is no chance for Mom (Mom still loves Dad).

 

I know that mostly every kid from a broken home wishes their parents would get back together. I know they will always love their mother and as a result of their mother's behavior, the kids will always try to please her and get her attention.

 

They have been rebelling like crazy. They have been terrible to their father as well as me. It is so bad now that I won't even leave my toothbrush in the bathroom because I'm afraid they will clean the toilet with it. I have to lock my purse up or they'll steal my money. This past mothers day, they picked out such a nice gift for their Mom. The nicest thing I got was a "Happy Ex-Stepmom's Day".

 

What do we do? Should Tim and I talk to the kids and lay the law down so to speak. Should we break up for the kids? I need help!!!

 

Going crazy in Ohio

[NEONINK]

Wow. Even though you didn't have children of your own, you sound like a wonderful mother.

 

Kids do things we wished they didn't. They don't appreciate even the best of families. They don't show a lick of gratitude until, well, I JUST recently at age 40 told my parents how much they mean to me.

 

The kids want to fix their Mother. That's understandable. Unfortunately for them, they cannot make their Father love their Mother. A better way to fix their mother might be to encourage her to get to an AA meeting.

[Tony T]

There are two options that I see. First, the kids are old enough to be told the absolute and complete truth about why their mother and father are no longer together. In as discrete a way as possible, they should be told of the mother's drinking and the incompatibilities that led to the divorce of their parents. I think that some authority figure (counsellor) needs to inform them of exactly why their parents are no longer together and that it will never work.

 

If doing that doesn't seem right to you or you feel and your guy feel uncomfortable with doing that, then the entire group of you needs to visit a licensed counsellor who can break the news to them and tell them just the way life is.

 

The kids' feelings are real and have to be recognized but that doesn't make them right. They are based on emotion and the desire to have their real mommy and daddy back together and not on the reality of what has happened in the past. A counsellor can work with them and with you and your guy to get everybody on the same page and back on track.

 

One day they will be older and better able to see all this very clearly. But in the meantime, you've got to deal with this in a decisive way. Neither of you can allow the kids to be manipulative and a counsellor can teach you skills that may help direct the childrens' anger in more productive directions. Their criminal misbehavior cannot be tolerated.

 

If all else fails, then you must depart the situation. Life is way to short to take on the burden of these three young people who have been all screwed up by a wicked mother. It's just not your problem.