Pissed off at ex MM and feeling spiteful.. do i dare?

[PoshPrincess]

Thing is - if you do anything, all it really shows is that you still give a sh*t. Thats why I havent.

 

LiT, take this from ImStunned and keep it in your mind! I totally know where you're coming from. There are many times when I have felt like doing the same thing. I even had a dream about it the other week - that the W confronted me in a "I've got him and you haven't kind of way" and I told her that what he told her about our 'friendship' was all BS, that he carried on seeing me after she found out, that we eventually did sleep together - EVERYTHING!

 

The thing is, in real life, I honestly wouldn't want to hurt her anymore than we both already have as, at the end of the day, she has done nothing to me. If my exMM is honestly trying to make his M work then good luck to the both of them.

 

I know it's very painful for you but the fact that he has blocked you from contacting him on MySpace gives you your answer. It's not the sort of closure you want or deserve but he IS being an ******* and you now have to move on and prove to him that you can be just as happy, if not happier, without him.

 

Lots of luck x

[head.heart& hand]

"There is no way that all that was pretend, i just refuse to believe it".

 

Accepting that a relationship is over is very difficult yet everything in life is subject to change. It's not that what you had wasn't real, its that it evolved and into something that simply can't be any longer. --- Closure (i think) is more about your accepting its really over than "seeing him one more time." The silent conversations you have with yourself regarding closure are likely more powerful than any that you could have with your exmm.

 

If you're wondering what he is thinking or feeling, he is likely grieving the end of the realtionship as well (perhaps differently, such as trying to fill his emptiness with a new relationship). Perhaps he migh even be hurt and angry, like you are? Wherever he is in the process, it's painful to lose someone and he must be feeling the loss as well. --However, you know a bit more about what he is thinking as you found that out on Myspace (how unattractive, aren't you glad you're moving forward without him)?

 

On a deeper note---One of the "Buddha's five remembrances" states: All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them". You may want to look up the other remembrances-- and think about the bigger context of your life and relationships as you grow sensitively through this experience.

 

"Just to get a goodbye, and the closure that i desperately need---"

Can give this to yourself?

[squeak]

Did you know vengeance is one of the 15 things that people cannot live healthily without?

 

It is as important as socializing, bonding and freedom.

 

You feel this way because your soul knows what you need to do. Yes, there will be repercussions......but what about the repercussions of just taking it and walking away?

 

What's coming to him has to come in the form of a choice and actions. From you. Or you can not do it, feel angry, swallow the rage, let him get off scot free la-di-da, what a good life for him. And a bitter pill for you to swallow.

 

Be your own karma, sure it seems easier and healthier to deny what you need to do, but is it really? Is it? Let wifey know, and make him pay! If he turned off from you so easily, don't take solace in that he will feel bad inwardly, or recgonize the err of his ways on his own.....only you can do that now.

[GreenEyedLady]

Holy cow! That last post! What's in the water around here?!

[MrsHellnoFire]

Did you know vengeance is one of the 15 things that people cannot live healthily without?

 

It is as important as socializing, bonding and freedom.

 

You feel this way because your soul knows what you need to do. Yes, there will be repercussions......but what about the repercussions of just taking it and walking away?

 

What's coming to him has to come in the form of a choice and actions. From you. Or you can not do it, feel angry, swallow the rage, let him get off scot free la-di-da, what a good life for him. And a bitter pill for you to swallow.

 

Be your own karma, sure it seems easier and healthier to deny what you need to do, but is it really? Is it? Let wifey know, and make him pay! If he turned off from you so easily, don't take solace in that he will feel bad inwardly, or recgonize the err of his ways on his own.....only you can do that now.

 

 

LOL. A part of me feels the same way. The rotten bastard deserves everything she dishes. How dare he get off scott-free after treating everyone like yesterday's trash?

But then you have to question yourself whether you are willing to risk your marriage over this? Any way to do this anonymously with evidence?

 

Only possible way to do this while preserving your marriage would probably be to impersonate a letter as your husband and send it to her declaring that your wife has cheated with her husband. They will of course not contact your hubby afterwards (he supposedly already knows)..

 

I like how everyone talks about karma and just tells her to do nothing. Karma is only possible through HUMAN ACTION!

[head.heart& hand]

I like how everyone talks about karma and just tells her to do nothing. Karma is only possible through HUMAN ACTION!

 

Ok, lets talk about this. The laws of Karma--"As you sow so shall you reap." “For every action there is an equal and opposing reaction.” “An eye for an eye,--etc...

 

What would seeking vengence through telling the mms wife reep? what would the opposing reaction to that be-- perhaps I'mstunned would experience an equally unpleasant upheavel through a vengeful response from herxmm, only to create more pain.

 

If “What goes around, comes around", many of us are suggesting that she works through her anger ( which she appears to be doing), accepts that the relationship is over, takes very good care of herself, and mostly--avoids a cycle of behavior ( action) that could potentially bring more pain to her life. So, again, if karma is about human action, what behaviors would I'm stunned most benefit from in moving forward?

[head.heart& hand]

My apologies Love is tragic,-- I zipped through the posts and meant to address my last note to you. Although I think this should be relevant with both you and imstunned. My best to both of you in moving forward.

[imstunned]

I read this thread often as I currently have two phone numbers which I think may possible be exMM's. I have phone in hand. I just cant actually see me moving on untill I have done this. I see all the advice - EVEN mine is not to do it. I think I however am getting closer and closer to doing it.

 

If I had been seeing a real sinlge guy for 8 months who treated me badly I wouldnt just dissapear all neat and nice for him, i'd rant and rave and do whatever i felt like in order to vent and feel better. I feel like I am gagged at the moment. Like a cork is keeping it all inside - but that its fizzing away and its going to explode.

 

If your feeling spiteful today - go ahead and mess it up for him.

[OpenBook]

He'll get what's coming to him, they always do. TRUST me on this.

 

Amen, amen, AMEN on that!! I've been lucky enough to witness the other party's "comeuppance" (or at least hear about it!!) a time or two in my own life... but often we don't get the opportunity to see it happen. And I've certainly received my own "comeuppance" for my wrongdoings (e.g., breaking someone's heart in a cruel way) plenty of times!! So I know it happens.

 

Also - when ever I catch myself thinking he was a nice guy - I try to imagine his face is a mask. Take it off and Underneath is teaming with maggots. That helps too!

 

Stunned, I'm going to use this in my own life. That DOES help!! I'm so glad you joined LS!!

[OpenBook]

If your feeling spiteful today - go ahead and mess it up for him.

 

OK, I just now read the rest of the thread. Well, I can tell you my own experience with revenge... it never benefits ME. Anything done with an angry intent, lashing out blindly, tends to backfire on you.

 

"Vengeance is Mine," saith the Lord. One of my favorite expressions. It has been true for me, every time. If I step back and let God take care of it, His revenge is so much more exquisite than anything I could ever come up with. And I don't have to do a d*mn thing.

 

Again, this has been my own experience, and I'm sharing it in hopes it may help someone else who reads this thread. I'm not qualified to preach.:D

[squeak]

I read this thread often as I currently have two phone numbers which I think may possible be exMM's. I have phone in hand. I just cant actually see me moving on untill I have done this. I see all the advice - EVEN mine is not to do it. I think I however am getting closer and closer to doing it.

 

If I had been seeing a real sinlge guy for 8 months who treated me badly I wouldnt just dissapear all neat and nice for him, i'd rant and rave and do whatever i felt like in order to vent and feel better. I feel like I am gagged at the moment. Like a cork is keeping it all inside - but that its fizzing away and its going to explode.

 

If your feeling spiteful today - go ahead and mess it up for him.

 

I just don't understand when the affair is over, and you are angry, and would normally unload to some dgree on a single X, why just disappear and leave xmm with his intact life?

 

Who does that benefit? His wife is with a jerk, but doesn't know it, you are simmering with rage, and he-well he is happy his own brand of mind control has worked.

 

It's just so unfair he gets it all, and the women involved (or men-if we're disciussing an xmw) are getting the shoe scrapings. It's like he is counting on your obedience and expects you to fade away, how insulting for everyone involved!

[squeak]

I read this thread often as I currently have two phone numbers which I think may possible be exMM's. I have phone in hand. I just cant actually see me moving on untill I have done this. I see all the advice - EVEN mine is not to do it. I think I however am getting closer and closer to doing it.

 

If I had been seeing a real sinlge guy for 8 months who treated me badly I wouldnt just dissapear all neat and nice for him, i'd rant and rave and do whatever i felt like in order to vent and feel better. I feel like I am gagged at the moment. Like a cork is keeping it all inside - but that its fizzing away and its going to explode.

 

If your feeling spiteful today - go ahead and mess it up for him.

 

Exactly Imstunned! I just don't understand why these stories are more hurtful to many parties, yet the WS gets off cleaner than anyone. He brought you and all the relationship problems and dramas that ensue into his life, why are you expected, or expect yourself, to just slink away into the night after "being thrown under the bus"?

[frannie]

I read this thread often as I currently have two phone numbers which I think may possible be exMM's. I have phone in hand. I just cant actually see me moving on untill I have done this. I see all the advice - EVEN mine is not to do it. I think I however am getting closer and closer to doing it.

 

If I had been seeing a real sinlge guy for 8 months who treated me badly I wouldnt just dissapear all neat and nice for him, i'd rant and rave and do whatever i felt like in order to vent and feel better. I feel like I am gagged at the moment. Like a cork is keeping it all inside - but that its fizzing away and its going to explode.

 

If your feeling spiteful today - go ahead and mess it up for him.

 

I think if you're going to try for revenge, there are two things to consider:

 

1) Will I be OK with anything that comes back my way..? and... OK with potential hurt to third parties (?)

2) Will doing the deed (whatever it is) whatever the outcome be enough? i.e. if it doesn't go the way I planned, will I be OK with that..?

 

If both of those can be answered 'yes'... then... why not go ahead..?

 

As long as you are prepared to deal with any consequences of your actions, won't be causing unnecessary suffering to third parties (in the W's case, you might be giving her valuable info if done in the right way), and won't be disappointed and feel worse if it goes 'wrong' or not the way you want it to go.

 

More or less playing devil's advocate here, but this is basically what I did in the past. I don't know how it turned out (other than his initial anger), but I don't really care. I wanted to hit back at him and I did. I still don't regret it. And there wasn't much he could do to 'get back' at me.

[whichwayisup]

Imstunned, if it were just him and his wife, then possibly due to the situation itself, I'd tell you this one time to tell her, since she did contact you first and that's how you found out he was married...BUT...Because they have young children, THAT is your reason not to tell and get involved in their life.

 

I honestly believe it will do more harm than good and you'll regret calling. Be 100% sure if you do decide to do this, don't do it because you're in the midst of an emotional breakdown and want revenge. And, if you do call, be prepared for what comes your way afterwards...Dealing with his wife, possibly him again as well.

 

Still think the best revenge is to live well, heal yourself and never look back.

[frannie]

Imstunned, if it were just him and his wife, then possibly due to the situation itself, I'd tell you this one time to tell her, since she did contact you first and that's how you found out he was married...BUT...Because they have young children, THAT is your reason not to tell and get involved in their life.

 

I honestly believe it will do more harm than good and you'll regret calling. Be 100% sure if you do decide to do this, don't do it because you're in the midst of an emotional breakdown and want revenge. And, if you do call, be prepared for what comes your way afterwards...Dealing with his wife, possibly him again as well.

 

Still think the best revenge is to live well, heal yourself and never look back.

 

I don't disagree that imstunned might, at this point, find that calling his W won't satisfy her, and might make her feel worse. Because at the moment (and possibly forever), she couldn't answer (1) or (2) with a 'yes'.

 

But I don't (think I) agree that not telling the W should have anything to do with the children. At first sight that argument looks compelling, but, when I take a closer look I don't think so...

 

It's almost like it's saying, no marriage should end because of the children? No affair should be exposed because of the children? Affairs should be tolerated and hidden, because of the children? Women should be kept in the dark, and fed BS, because of the children? It is better that a woman doesn't know her man is an asshat, because if she found out, it would be bad for her children..?

 

Err... I don't think so.

 

I think that if she knew what her H was like, she might be able to make her own decisions. She might decide for herself that she doesn't want to be married to such a man. And she would be capable of divorcing without harming her own children if that is what she chose to do.

[meetme26]

I was in the same situation imstunned is in a while back. I was having trouble dealing with feelings of being thrown away. I hurt so bad, and I wanted him to get a small taste of what I was going through. I called his W, told her about 75% of what had been going on behind her back. Said if she wanted the entire story, she'd have to ask him. He says recently they are trying to work things out. But if he thinks calling the W was as bad as it could get, he's mistaken. He works in a job that has a moral code of conduct (meaning if his superiors find out what he had been up to, he'd be fired from a long career with no chance of reinstatement). I know it's awful to say, but, just knowing that any time I feel like it, I can destroy his career, gives me a sense of power. It's almost like saying, you may have won the battle, but I have a tool that can Hiroshima your a*@! So much for feeling thrown away anymore!

[whichwayisup]

I called his W, told her about 75% of what had been going on behind her back.

You chose to call and spill it, you should have spilled it all. To tell her if she wants the rest of the story, to talk to her husband? I'm calling bullcrap here! Why only tell 75% of it? Did you atleast own up to YOUR part in the affair with her husband? Or was it ALL about him and what he did to you. Did you appologize to her, feel remorseful? I'm just wondering.

 

I mean, yes, he is the one married, but you knew going in he was, so that is just part of the consquence of an affair, the pain when it ends. I keep reading about some OW who want to spill it once the A ends and she's in pain! Well, when things were good, there were NO thoughts of telling, only when you hurt you want to tell. But, the thing is, one brings it on themselves when they enter an affair. (Imstunned's situation is so different because he led her on for almost a year that he wasn't married)

 

I hope you don't ruin his career, that is just pure evil if you do.

[meetme26]

No bullcrap. Just thought I had said plenty enough. Gave her details of how long it had been going on, places we'd been together, lies he had told her about where he had been. I didn't talk about who was responsible for what but I'm pretty sure since I've spoken to him recently, he claimed the role of the victim and threw me under the bus. I told her I was sorry the situation ended like it had. Didn't feel remorse for the A, just that it ended. I don't have any intentions of telling his supervisors, but just knowing that I can, helps take some of the sting out of the aftermath.

[frannie]

I mean, yes, he is the one married, but you knew going in he was, so that is just part of the consquence of an affair, the pain when it ends. I keep reading about some OW who want to spill it once the A ends and she's in pain! Well, when things were good, there were NO thoughts of telling, only when you hurt you want to tell. But, the thing is, one brings it on themselves when they enter an affair. (Imstunned's situation is so different because he led her on for almost a year that he wasn't married)

 

I hope you don't ruin his career, that is just pure evil if you do.

 

Hope it doesn't seem like I want to get into a fight with you WWIU, but for some reason I'm responding to another of your posts and either disagreeing or putting a different angle. But, here's what I think of this point of view.

 

If part of the affair is the pain (for the OW) when it ends, is part of the affair the pain for the MM when he gets his comeuppance for stepping outside the marriage? Or is it only the OW who should suffer..? Yes, she knew he was married, but he was the one who was breaking his vows. We can put that either way, can't we, so it seems to me that if one is correct (in your view), then why not the other..?

 

I agree with you that ruining someone's career by exposing the affair at work is a downright horrible thing to do. (meetme didn't say she was planning on it, just it made her feel better to know she could do it, different thing). But let's see... I read on Surviving Infidelity and we all know that that is standard advice to the BS:

 

... is the OW working? Expose the affair to her bosses!

 

It's along the same lines exactly as 'is the OW married..? Expose the affair to her H'. Another example (or two) of how it's one rule for one, and another for the other where affairs are concerned.

[meetme26]

In response to frannie, after I told the W about the A, she asked me if I had a H at home who might be hurt and devastated over this. (I don't) So by saying that alone, if she thought she could get back at me by exposing me, I definitely think she would have.

[stillafool]

I say move on and get over it. Telling his w will just make the two of them closer (as he will really break his ass to get back in good with her) and they both will look at you as a psycho.

 

I would seek understanding rather than closure. You will never receive closure from him it has to come from within. If you see him and talk it will make you want more. More answers to questions you may never really know the answer to.

 

If you feel out of love with your H maybe you should look at your marriage. Maybe you need to move on and find a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

[NoIDidn't]

But I don't (think I) agree that not telling the W should have anything to do with the children. At first sight that argument looks compelling, but, when I take a closer look I don't think so...

 

It's almost like it's saying, no marriage should end because of the children? No affair should be exposed because of the children? Affairs should be tolerated and hidden, because of the children? Women should be kept in the dark, and fed BS, because of the children? It is better that a woman doesn't know her man is an asshat, because if she found out, it would be bad for her children..?

 

Err... I don't think so.

 

I know that I am assuming to know what WWIU meant, but I do think that if a couple has children of any age it should be considered before you tell. If the children are very young, telling their mom will impact their care. Mom will be so hurt (possibly) as to not be able to care for them as she did before the d-day. They won't suffer forever, but it will be a period of unbelievable grief and guilt and regret for mom that she couldn't pull her emotions together to stop taking the kids out for fastfood every night while she dealt with it.

 

If the children are older but not teens, then the parents have to answer all of the questions as to why mom is crying so much, or why mom and dad are arguing so much. Or in the case of the OW being thrown under the bus, why are mom and dad going out without us so much?

 

Then when the kids are teens. This is the worse time ever for a parent to be found out as cheating (mom or dad) because the kids have been taught right from wrong and will likely lose respect for the cheating parent and it will cause trouble throughout the entire family. No one will be able to get that child back on track for a while.

 

When the kids are grown, many times they simply write off the cheating parent to care for the betrayed. Especially if they are married and have kids of their own.

 

Having said all of that, if one is going to tell and the MP has kids, its one more thing to think about - not something to make them decide whether or not to do it alone. I am a firm believer that the responsibility to those kids is primarily their parents'. So the cheater had better think about them first if they are expecting anyone else to.

 

Just my two...

[NoIDidn't]

In response to frannie, after I told the W about the A, she asked me if I had a H at home who might be hurt and devastated over this. (I don't) So by saying that alone, if she thought she could get back at me by exposing me, I definitely think she would have.

 

I know I would have. But that's just because I don't think that my family should be turned upside down and the favor shouldn't be returned. I know its not the most mature mindset to have - but - it teaches allows the other married partner (the cheater) to see how their AP reacts under the same kind of pressure.

 

I happen to think that its a good idea to tell the spouse or the BF/GF of the OP what was going down. Its good to let them know what their partner was up to as well. Not for some humanistic reason either. But to let them know that their partner is cheating on them so they can make their own decisions with the truth. That, and to give the person that helped to bust up your R/M a taste of their own medicine.

 

I am not normally a spiteful person, but in a situation like this, I will do what I have to to protect my own (be it my M, my children, or just my own sanity and sense of fairness). For the single OW that tells the W and is glad that she doesn't have someone that the BW can tell, it seems that she really was out to hurt the W since the H already hurt her. That's way more spiteful than I would ever be. But that's just me.

[frannie]

I know that I am assuming to know what WWIU meant' date=' but I do think that if a couple has children of any age it should be considered before you tell. If the children are very young, telling their mom will impact their care. Mom will be so hurt (possibly) as to not be able to care for them as she did before the d-day. They won't suffer forever, but it will be a period of unbelievable grief and guilt and regret for mom that she couldn't pull her emotions together to stop taking the kids out for fastfood every night while she dealt with it.[/quote']

 

Perhaps. But would the same consideration be given to the OW..? A MOW or a single OW with children? Throwing her under a bus, exposing her affair at work, etc. etc. Somehow her children are expendable..?

 

I'm not saying that you believe that, NID. Just pointing out the hypocrisy in 'thinking of the kids'.

 

After all, if the kids were in that much danger from the exposure of the affair, what was Daddy doing having an affair in the first place?

[frannie]

meetme26:

 

In response to frannie, after I told the W about the A, she asked me if I had a H at home who might be hurt and devastated over this. (I don't) So by saying that alone, if she thought she could get back at me by exposing me, I definitely think she would have.

 

I know I would have. But that's just because I don't think that my family should be turned upside down and the favor shouldn't be returned. I know its not the most mature mindset to have...

 

I am not normally a spiteful person, but in a situation like this, I will do what I have to to protect my own (be it my M, my children, or just my own sanity and sense of fairness).

 

Sorry to chop your post to pieces, NID. But...

 

But retaliation because of "just my own sanity and sense of fairness" ... isn't that what this thread is about..?

 

What if the OW had children..? Would hers be expendible because she'd done something to harm your family..? I think this post exemplifies exactly what I was saying. You seem to be saying that wouldn't have held back, so why should anyone else..?