Pissed off at ex MM and feeling spiteful.. do i dare?

[NoIDidn't]

meetme26:

 

In response to frannie, after I told the W about the A, she asked me if I had a H at home who might be hurt and devastated over this. (I don't) So by saying that alone, if she thought she could get back at me by exposing me, I definitely think she would have.

 

 

 

Sorry to chop your post to pieces, NID. But...

 

But retaliation because of "just my own sanity and sense of fairness" ... isn't that what this thread is about..?

 

What if the OW had children..? Would hers be expendible because she'd done something to harm your family..? I think this post exemplifies exactly what I was saying. You seem to be saying that wouldn't have held back, so why should anyone else..?

 

 

I am not sure that I know what you have been saying that my post exemplifies. Care to elaborate?

 

As far as the OW's children go, they are her responsibility just like the MM's children are his. If she gets into a R with a MM and she has children, I hope she actually considered that they could get caught up in the middle of it when the shiite hits the fan.

[NoIDidn't]

Perhaps. But would the same consideration be given to the OW..? A MOW or a single OW with children? Throwing her under a bus, exposing her affair at work, etc. etc. Somehow her children are expendable..?

 

I'm not saying that you believe that, NID. Just pointing out the hypocrisy in 'thinking of the kids'.

 

After all, if the kids were in that much danger from the exposure of the affair, what was Daddy doing having an affair in the first place?

 

I think I already answered this in the previous post. You only quoted the beginning of my post. I also said:

 

"Having said all of that, if one is going to tell and the MP has kids, its one more thing to think about - not something to make them decide whether or not to do it alone. I am a firm believer that the responsibility to those kids is primarily their parents'. So the cheater had better think about them first if they are expecting anyone else to.

 

So again, if the OW is a MOW or whatever and has kids, she should have thought about them herself. Same can be asked, "what was mommy doing having an affair in the first place?"

 

I haven't singled out any particular side as your post seems to suggest. Your kids, your problem. Be you the married person or the other person. Why expect your kids to be exempt from your actions regardless of what side of the equation you are one? A MOW or MW is no different in this case than a MM.

 

Truth be told, its even worst for the MW/OW in these cases. She may never be forgiven by her kids as society expects mom to sacrifice all for the children. Society views her participation in an A as having already treated her own children has expendible. Otherwise, she would have been with them instead of with some man that's not even her own H.

 

Gotta hate double standards, whether or not you agree with them.

[stillafool]

Isn't this the truth. Once a woman has kids society expects her to strap them to her back until they turn 21.:laugh:

[EnigmaXOXO]

after I told the W about the A, she asked me if I had a H at home who might be hurt and devastated over this. (I don't) So by saying that alone, if she thought she could get back at me by exposing me, I definitely think she would have.

 

Another possibility is that she might have been trying gauge your level of empathy (not to be confused with sympathy). In other words ... can you relate to the situation I’ve been placed in and what our family is going through, by comparing it to your own. How might you feel if stepping into my shoes?

 

Empathy is usually the first thing to vacate the conscious when people try to make room for justifying their feelings and actions towards someone outside of themselves. You see it all the time, particularly in affair situations, where people are quick to find excuses for behavior towards another that they, themselves, would not appreciate being on the receiving end of. You hear it all the time too, in statements like: “This isn’t normally like me” or “I’m really a good person underneath it all ... and my actions don’t define who I am.” And people are quick to resent their married lover, or their married lover’s spouse, without even so much as even acknowledging what they contributed to their own misery or that of their own spouse and children.

 

If I were on the receiving end of this kind of betrayal, I would want to know regardless of where the information came from. For my own protection. Even if it came from a jilted affair partner seeking some kind of revenge and/or payback through me. But I’d also be smart enough to discern the difference between genuine concern for my well-being and downright vindictiveness. In the later case, I certainly wouldn’t be eager to play hero for some spineless stranger who showed little regard or empathy for me ... and YES, I’m not ashamed to admit I’d find equal joy in the fact that they were suffering from the consequences of their own behavior even moreso than me. After all, they asked for it. I didn’t. And it’s so much easier to come to terms with pain and find closure (even eventual acceptance) when knowing you did your absolute best and were just the hapless victim rather than one of the cruel, thoughtless perpetrators.

 

A clear conscience sure makes it a whole lot easier to sleep better at night. Even when finding yourself alone. ‘Cause at least there’s some peace to be found in knowing you’re finally (and safely) removed from those who would do you and others harm without good reason or provocation.

[frannie]

I am not sure that I know what you have been saying that my post exemplifies. Care to elaborate?

 

As far as the OW's children go, they are her responsibility just like the MM's children are his. If she gets into a R with a MM and she has children, I hope she actually considered that they could get caught up in the middle of it when the shiite hits the fan.

 

Yes, I am saying exactly what you put in the second part of your post. That when the 'shiite hits the fan' considering the children isn't high on the BS list... so why should it be high on the OW's list (as WWIU suggested it should be).

[frannie]

I think I already answered this in the previous post. You only quoted the beginning of my post. I also said:

 

"Having said all of that, if one is going to tell and the MP has kids, its one more thing to think about - not something to make them decide whether or not to do it alone. I am a firm believer that the responsibility to those kids is primarily their parents'. So the cheater had better think about them first if they are expecting anyone else to.

 

So again, if the OW is a MOW or whatever and has kids, she should have thought about them herself. Same can be asked, "what was mommy doing having an affair in the first place?"

 

I haven't singled out any particular side as your post seems to suggest. Your kids, your problem. Be you the married person or the other person. Why expect your kids to be exempt from your actions regardless of what side of the equation you are one? A MOW or MW is no different in this case than a MM.

 

Gotta hate double standards, whether or not you agree with them.

 

Yes, that is precisely what I've been saying. Particular standards should be applied equally if they are applied at all.

[squeak]

So ive been NC with exMM for over 5 months now, and trying to move on. Never really got any closure over the whole EA/PA and have been attempting to deal with it. I havent called him, emailed him, or contacted him in any way, and neither has he. Although i cant stop thinking about him, even though i know i said i was over this whole drama. I was bored and cruising myspace profiles the other day and lo and behold, ExMM now has a myspace profile! (when we were together, he wanted to create a profile but his wife threw a fit and wouldnt allow it.) It seems that he has had it for less than a month.

 

After deliberating for several days, (and i know i shouldnt have given it any thought), i wrote him a somewhat sarcastic message of, "remember me?". In my fantasy dream-land state, i thought he would reply to my message explaining why the no closure and other appropriate sentiments, but instead, he set it to where only his myspace friends could send him a message. Wow.. nice huh? In a way it made me see what a coward and a heartless bastard he is, but its so hard to comprehend after the great times we had together, and everything we said to one another.

 

So im feeling especially spiteful-im sure hes counting on me to remain quiet, to not tell the wife everything.(she supposedly knows he committed some kind of unfaithful wrong-doing, but no details, and doesnt know it was me he was involved with.) I sooooooo want to spill the beans, although i know it will lead to repurcussions for myself. I know i should put him out of my mind, but easier said than done. What do you think?

 

 

Why is everyone trying so hard to convince her not to, or talk her out of it? Just because you had an experience that A, B or C variable happened-doesn't mean it will happen to her.

 

She is upset, and this is her urge to do this. I really don't know why she is being told to just eat it. The kids, backlash, more entangled, they'll ignore her-whatever-no one knows any of that for sure.

 

This is about the OP! OP- what are you feeling like doing now? Please don't let all the talk put fear into you, be brave, no one can predict anything except you know that you will feel the way you do now, if you don't do anything.

 

And he'll just do it to another woman, and another if you walk away quitly, in a way, you are in a position of responsibility here.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, I am saying exactly what you put in the second part of your post. That when the 'shiite hits the fan' considering the children isn't high on the BS list... so why should it be high on the OW's list (as WWIU suggested it should be).

 

I understand you now. And yes, we agree. I think we should consider the children's possible reactions, but not the fact that they are there. If there being there didn't stop either party from getting into an A, then it won't matter much when the A is exposed either.

 

I have friends that hate women that help men with children cheat. I have to ask sometimes, "is there any other kind"? Kind, as in, men with children that cheat. I have never known men without kids to cheat. But that is just my personal experience.

 

My thoughts on the children is that their parents are responsible for them, no matter what they do. The electric company isn't going to be moved by hearing about the kids when their bill isn't paid. I hate that the kids get caught in the middle of their parents' misdeeds, but that will always fall back to their parents not to some other entity.

 

I happen to be a "don't tell the W" person, but that's because I don't want to be told. That's just me. But I don't say it because of children. I say it because I don't want some woman that was involved with my H trying to tell me who he is or isn't, especially if its over and it just seems that she is angry and trying to hurt me to get to him. Not because of our kids.

[imstunned]

I typed a huge reply- and lost it. Not my head but the post -

 

I cant make any phone call as I dont know their number. I have however found their address (I'm a clever girl). The insight that knowing where they life has given me is quite big. I went into it all - but will probably go into it on a new thread as I feel like I'm hijacking this one.

[head.heart& hand]

After writing post #32 and reading the various perspectives ( ... to tell or not to tell), these perspectives stood out:

 

1) The "IF you must tell" post #39 from Frannie. Well said. As F wrote, I would seriously quesiton if your revenge in telling would be enough? ....only you would know that in time.

 

2) stillafools post- "Telling his w will just make the two of them closer (as he will really break his ass to get back in good with her) and they both will look at you as a psycho.

 

I beleive this is likely as well, as the crisis will bring them together. Given this, if you do talk to the w or send her a written message, just be sure to be polite, calm, mature, credible, and factual. You wouldnt want to appear emotionally unstable ( as he'll likely make you out to be as mm and W work through the aftermath).

[whichwayisup]

I would seriously quesiton if your revenge in telling would be enough? ....only you would know that in time.

 

Question is, how will the conscious feel later? Could you live with yourself after spilling it, knowing it's coming from a malcious place?

[Love is Tragic]

So ive taken a few days to deliberate on my dilemma and must admit that im no closer to reaching a decision than i was a week ago. So many of you have said,"dont do it, dont create any more drama", and so many have said, "do it, the bastard deserves whats coming to him". I realize that im a bastard too. I knowingly slept with a MM and got far too emotionally and physically attached to him. All the while being married myself! Im pissed at myself for letting this happen. I knew we were spending too much time with each other and we would eventually fall for each other.. arrrggggggg.....

 

Things changed between us after he finished his work assignment in my town, and went back home for good(2 hours away). It seemes as if his fantasy land had ended, he had to go home and face the wife, the kids, everything that was concrete in his life. He began to act different almost immediately after he went back home. Maybe it was the guilt? I must admit i have estalked his myspace profile several times in the past week. I know, i know.... bad idea. It just seems like hes messing with me, if he really wants nothing to do with me then why not change his email address and make his myspace private so i cant even see it? Its almost as if hes taunting me with it. I did take someones advice and put up a new, hot pic of me, lol. That made me feel a little better.

 

Im toying with the idea of emailing him, as i know that his wife checks his email often and maybe she will run across it. Im not sure if writing a letter pretending to be my husband will work or not. I still really dont think she knows about me. I think he told me she knew that he had cheated just so i wouldnt contact her. He told me that she knew something went on(he told her not long, and not many times. hahaha, yeah right). He also said she doesnt know details and doesnt think it was me. She actually thinks he cheated with my boss, lol. I wasnt even on her radar surprisingly enough, and all because im married and married people dont cheat, hahahahahah!!! How much denial is she living in? I just find it hard to believe that he didnt tell her more, and that she was fine with not knowing everything. If it was me, i would want to know who it was, how many times, etc..

 

So yeah, not any closer to reaching a decision.. still need help with that. I obviously havent been 100% happy in my own marriage, hence the affair. Weve even almost given up several times in the past month. Ugh... im so torn i dont know what to do. If anyone would like more details in my situation feel free to hit me up. thanks everyone!

[whichwayisup]

I knowingly slept with a MM and got far too emotionally and physically attached to him. All the while being married myself! Im pissed at myself for letting this happen. I knew we were spending too much time with each other and we would eventually fall for each other.. arrrggggggg

 

See, you understand the rules here. One involves themselves knowingly with a married person, part of the consquences are - you get hurt. And you being married too, double the consquences.

 

Let it go NO good can come of this. Don't lie, don't play games and do not drag your husband into your own mess and create drama for him. This whole thing WILL blow up in your face.

[Love is Tragic]

Ohhhh, trust me.. its already blown up in my face-the lying, the rejection, the having feelings for another man when im already married, the tears, the questions, the overall hurt. If anything ive learned my lesson the hard way. I will never fall for another man ever again, unless i am single and willing to let those feelings surface. Its just the simple fact that he thinks he is getting off scot-free that makes me so f*cking angry!!

 

He always tried to play the "tough-guy" card-has always told me that hes an *sshole, that i shouldnt love him.(while at the same time hinting around that he wanted me to love him, and that i shouldnt be afraid to say what i feel). But ive seen the good in him, ive seen the sensitive, caring, great friend that he is. I think he wants to make others see that he is a jerk because in a way it keeps them from getting too close. If people think youre a jerk-off, than they stay away, right? And when i got close to him in a way that noone else has, it scared him. He went back to being the cocky jerk that he wants people to perceive him to be. I think hes scared to death about having feelings for me, and doesnt know how to deal.

 

I wish i could let this go.. i really truely do. Although its not like i know what to do about the situation. Of course i dont want to intentionally hurt his family, or my own. I just dont know how long i can let this fester without doing something about it. Problem is-i dont know what to do.