Am I a husband-stealer?

[RoseRen]

I had posted my story on a different forum here, but wanted to have thoughts from a religious perspective.

 

My husband married another lady, while we were having some relationship issues and while I was away in a different country. (The story is far more complicated than it sounds). We do love each other still, and we still communicate with each other daily. I do speak to his new wife too, though she is not aware of the real situation. She knows me as my husband's best friend. Their's is an arranged marriage, while our's was a love marriage, and was known only to the immediate family members.

 

After all that happened, I decided to forgive him and have him back if he ever did come back and he decided to divorce his new wife and get back to me, thought not that quick.

 

Am I doing something wrong here? I occasionally feel guilty, mainly because some people advised me that I am the one who should move on. I have had friends say that I deserve a better person or that since not many people know that we are married, I should just let go. But I do trust him when he says he is sorry for what happened and he does love me.

 

I can see that my husband did commit a mistake, but instead of blaming him, can we do something so that he can be guilt-free?

[amaysngrace]

Okay so since none of us are God and He's the One who judges, why has this become a religious matter? Unless we are talking polygamy.

 

Is polygamy a religion?

 

Anyway, who arranged for him to marry? His parents or him? Because if it's him then there is no way he's getting off easy with being blamed, ya know?

 

But if it was his parents who arranged for him to marry her then his first obligation is to his family. And honoring their wishes means more than him being married to you. In his eyes anyway.

 

So...what's the deal?

[RoseRen]

Okay so since none of us are God and He's the One who judges, why has this become a religious matter? Unless we are talking polygamy.

 

Rcently, one of my friends, who is religious, suggested that I should forget him and move on, or else I would nd up breaking his new wife's heart. She added that if the new wife ever fet hurt, I would be equally responsible for that as my husband. This thought has been eating my brains.

 

Anyway, who arranged for him to marry? His parents or him? Because if it's him then there is no way he's getting off easy with being blamed, ya know? But if it was his parents who arranged for him to marry her then his first obligation is to his family. And honoring their wishes means more than him being married to you. In his eyes anyway.

 

The marriage was arranged by his parents. He saw the lady a couple of times before the wedding.

 

You are absolutely right, when you say that he thinks honouring his parents' wishes is his first obligation. When we got married initially, our parents were against it. And we loved each other so much, knew each other well. Inspite of that, after we got married, things went wrong. While talking about the situation to his Dad, it seems his Dad mentioned that all this happened (our initial relationship probs) because we had disobeyed our parents in the first place.

 

Now coming back to the topic...

 

Do you think he divorcing the girl for me would be a "sin"?

 

And another question I just thought is...

 

If marrying him was a "sin", then what is the best way to repent?

[disgracian]

Unless you are religious, then a religious perspective is about as useless to your situation as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. Why would you care if other people think it's sinful if that concept has no meaning to you?

 

Cheers,

D.

[RoseRen]

May be it is not because I am religious that I am asking for others opinion. I should be honest. I am writing this here, so that someone would either say what I am doing is a mistake and advise me what to do next. Or, someone might tell me that it is alright and make me feel alright.

 

I think, so far in life, I haven't cared about what people think about me. I got married to a person from a different religion, which is disapproved in my country, and I never thought for a moment what other people would think of that.

 

But may be now I have become conscious of what other people think. May be one of the reasons is because in my current situation there are a lot of people -including my parents who tell me you brought this upon yourself my commiting a "sin".

[disgracian]

I don't think strangers from the internet will help you make peace with your family. Whether you get a queue of posters here to either congratulate or cast stones at you, it won't change your situation.

 

Your parents are entitled to their opinion but you're an adult at the end of the day and are (or should be) entitled to live your own life and make your own decisions. Part of that involves deciding how much other peoples' opinions influence you. Every circumstance is unique: the events and personalities involved, so you're really in a better position to decide what to do.

 

Does your parents' disapproval mean they will give you nasty looks and maybe stop inviting you to family functions, or will they try to run you out of town with pitchforks? We don't know what's at stake, so it's perhaps dangerous for anyone to embolden you with "you go girl!" if they don't know the situation.

 

Cheers,

D.

[amaysngrace]

I always feel sorry for those who try to live up to others' expectations and place their own happiness on the back burner by doing so.

 

I don't think if your H is in a loveless marriage he should stay merely out of obligation. I think that is doing a disservice to himself and also to his wife. She deserves love too.

 

Does he say he loves you both or only you?

 

I don't think it's a sin to divorce. I think it's just admitting a mistake. And that just makes it human. Because we all make mistakes.

 

But hey, who am I to judge? Or not...in this instance.

[RoseRen]

I always feel sorry for those who try to live up to others' expectations and place their own happiness on the back burner by doing so.

 

I don't think if your H is in a loveless marriage he should stay merely out of obligation. I think that is doing a disservice to himself and also to his wife. She deserves love too.

 

Does he say he loves you both or only you?

 

I don't think it's a sin to divorce. I think it's just admitting a mistake. And that just makes it human. Because we all make mistakes.

 

But hey, who am I to judge? Or not...in this instance.

 

Sorry for the delayed resonse amaysngrace.

 

The situation has been more complicated after that. But I still do believe that I am the ony love of my H. I could be wrong though... u never know with men at times.

 

I think you are absolutely right abt the part that "she deserves love too". All this while I have been blind about her feelings. All I thought abt was in terms of my love and his love and our lives.

 

She discovered everything the last weekend. Amazingly she is in talking terms with me and not with her husband. And I can already see the pain she is in. I think she is in a worse position than me, and am still selfish to let go of my husband.

 

But now I don't feel guilty. That is because she is still talking to me like a friend, she doesn't blame me for a thing and coniders both of us in the same boat.

[RoseRen]

I don't think strangers from the internet will help you make peace with your family. Whether you get a queue of posters here to either congratulate or cast stones at you, it won't change your situation.

 

Hi D... That was what I thought when I came here. Can strangers really help me in resolving my personal issue. Sometimes you get a better perspective when you talk to a stranger.

 

Does your parents' disapproval mean they will give you nasty looks and maybe stop inviting you to family functions, or will they try to run you out of town with pitchforks? We don't know what's at stake, so it's perhaps dangerous for anyone to embolden you with "you go girl!" if they don't.

 

That gave me a new perspective. I had this conversation with my parents a couple of days back, about what I wanted and what I am going to do about that. And now I dont think they would run me out of town with pitchforks. (nice expression )

 

I am here to just hear the opinions, the final decision would still be mine. I am fully aware that a net friend cannot make a decision for me, but I do still love to hear from them. I have heard very wonderful and touching and inspirative thoughts from a lot of people here.

 

Thanks a lot, D

[RecordProducer]

RoseRen,

 

You came to a forum, where people with modern, western-cultured mindsets prevail, to ask for our opinions. And you want these opinions to be filtered through YOUR religion, without even indicating what religion and what countries of origin we are talking about. Most people here are not familiar with the concept of arranged marriage other than the fact that we view it as "Thank God it's not happening to ME." We are also not familiar with the benefits of polygamy, which apparently occurred in your "husband's" case (he married you secretly, then he married the other woman). It's also not clear if he went back to you and left her or if he is secretly seeing you while living with her. Furthermore, we don't know where you live, although your English is immaculate.

 

If you're asking people like us for advice, we'll tell you that free love is what people should pursue, and you should not succumb to imposed arranged marriages or polygamy. But are we really eligible and competent to disperse advice that might lead to detrimental consequences? How do you feel about your religion? Will your parents disown you if you go for your love? Will his parents disown him if he picks you? Does he care? Do you care? Do you have an arranged marriage waiting for you in the future? Will you get stoned in the street if you follow your heart and not your religious preconceptions?

 

I am afraid you didn't provide enough information and people here are not culturally and mentally equipped to answer your moral dilamma.

[RoseRen]

RoseRen,

 

You came to a forum, where people with modern, western-cultured mindsets prevail, to ask for our opinions. And you want these opinions to be filtered through YOUR religion, without even indicating what religion and what countries of origin we are talking about. Most people here are not familiar with the concept of arranged marriage other than the fact that we view it as "Thank God it's not happening to ME." We are also not familiar with the benefits of polygamy, which apparently occurred in your "husband's" case (he married you secretly, then he married the other woman). It's also not clear if he went back to you and left her or if he is secretly seeing you while living with her. Furthermore, we don't know where you live, although your English is immaculate.

 

If you're asking people like us for advice, we'll tell you that free love is what people should pursue, and you should not succumb to imposed arranged marriages or polygamy. But are we really eligible and competent to disperse advice that might lead to detrimental consequences? How do you feel about your religion? Will your parents disown you if you go for your love? Will his parents disown him if he picks you? Does he care? Do you care? Do you have an arranged marriage waiting for you in the future? Will you get stoned in the street if you follow your heart and not your religious preconceptions?

 

I am afraid you didn't provide enough information and people here are not culturally and mentally equipped to answer your moral dilamma.

 

I am from India, so is my husband and the lady he is married to now. He is a muslim (but polygamy is not legal in India, even for muslims). I am a Christian. I am now in the UK.

 

I was thrown out of my house, the day my parents discovered that I was married, but by then I had a well paid job, so I was able to survive - emotionally and financially. Now, almost after 2 years, I still keep in touch with my parents. We do argue a lot, but then I don't think we hate each other.

 

His parents will disown him, if he chooses me. That is not only because of his religion but because of the community (a staunch muslim community) in which they live, and now because he is married to someone else. He currently lives and works in one of the Middle east country. I don't even have a clue, what would happen if he publicly announced that his wife was a non-muslim.

 

Both of us got married, and our parents do know that now. My parents did have hopes of getting me married again, but then no one would marry a girl if they knew she was already married. (So I am safe from a forced arranged marriage, which can happen in our community.)

 

Being in UK now, I presume I can hope for more than a normal Indian village girl can achieve, when it comes to following the "heart's calling". Though, I do wonder at times is all this because of my parents "curse". (It sounds silly now when I mention it.)

[Citizen Erased]

Was your marriage legal? Is there evidence of it? Was there a legal separation if so?

[RoseRen]

Was your marriage legal? Is there evidence of it? Was there a legal separation if so?

 

We are legally married. But with all these different religions and different acts (laws) of marriage I think it was possible for him to get married agai without any issue. We were married according to "Special Marriage Act" for which religious differences don't matter. He re-married under the "Muslim Marriage Act".

 

I have heard that his second marriage is actually void. But bringing that matter(first marriage) out would mean that my husband would be penalized and punished.

[Citizen Erased]

You are still married to him. You cannot move on until you are legally separated. If you marry again, it is void. You need a divorce, annulment, whatever. I think it is plainly obvious he will NOT leave his new wife, his family will not allow it and if he marries someone when he is already married just to please them, well then that says alot about the type of man he is. Not to mention the chances of him ever coming back to you

[RoseRen]

You are still married to him. You cannot move on until you are legally separated. If you marry again, it is void. You need a divorce, annulment, whatever. I think it is plainly obvious he will NOT leave his new wife, his family will not allow it and if he marries someone when he is already married just to please them, well then that says alot about the type of man he is. Not to mention the chances of him ever coming back to you

 

The truth isn't always sweet, is it? I am hoping this ain't true.

[Citizen Erased]

The truth isn't always sweet, is it? I am hoping this ain't true.

 

No, it is not. I hope for your sake it isn't true either. But I hope even more that you don't miss out on a great opportunity, whether it be career wise, or even another relationship, just because you are still stuck on this man. You deserve to live your life, and it would be a very empty one if you wait around for him to be with you.

[melodymatters]

I am from India, so is my husband and the lady he is married to now. He is a muslim (but polygamy is not legal in India, even for muslims). I am a Christian. I am now in the UK.

 

I was thrown out of my house, the day my parents discovered that I was married, but by then I had a well paid job, so I was able to survive - emotionally and financially. Now, almost after 2 years, I still keep in touch with my parents. We do argue a lot, but then I don't think we hate each other.

 

His parents will disown him, if he chooses me. That is not only because of his religion but because of the community (a staunch muslim community) in which they live, and now because he is married to someone else. He currently lives and works in one of the Middle east country. I don't even have a clue, what would happen if he publicly announced that his wife was a non-muslim.

 

Both of us got married, and our parents do know that now. My parents did have hopes of getting me married again, but then no one would marry a girl if they knew she was already married. (So I am safe from a forced arranged marriage, which can happen in our community.)

 

Being in UK now, I presume I can hope for more than a normal Indian village girl can achieve, when it comes to following the "heart's calling". Though, I do wonder at times is all this because of my parents "curse". (It sounds silly now when I mention it.)

 

 

I am sorry for your pain and problems, but so that something good can come of this, could anyone bring up this post to CC MIlkshake, so that she can see that educated, employed, Indian woman, Can and DO, break away from their parents ???

 

 

For you Rose ren, I have no advice, being from such a different culture, but you do seem strong, intelligent and brave, and I wish for you nothing but the best. Good luck my new friend !

[RecordProducer]

Rose, now I see your situation much clearer. If I had one wish for you, it would be to get this man out of your head and meet the right guy for you. I don't know him and I am not saying that he is a bad man, but he is 500 years behind you. You opposed your parents, you live in the UK, and you are Christian. You have a good job and are independent in a developed European country.

 

He, on the other hand, is far from what you need: he is Muslim, he obeys his parents, he married another woman, and he lives where he belongs. I don't know if he has ever lived in the UK or if he speaks English at all, but the two of you are two different worlds. While this might look charming in TV soaps, in real life it means that you would be miserable together.

 

You surpassed your parents' prejudices of arranged marriage and the rule that 'a girl can only leave the house as a married woman.' You're a real western woman with Indian moral values - those two sides make a beautiful hybrid out of you. He would drag you down with him. Why do you need that?

 

Let him deal with the law if he ever gets caught (I truly doubt that). You're in different countries and you can file for annulment or a divorce. You might seek lawyer's advice on this. I know you think he is the love of your life, but he is not the right partner for you. The sooner you get this quasi-romantic illusion out of your mind the sooner you will find your true love. You don't need this stone-age man. Walk forward, not backward.

[RoseRen]

I'm finding it very difficult to break up with him, because i love him. In one of the other forums in LS, too, friends have been encouraging me to breakup, but I am stuck. I don't even know where to begin the ending process.

 

He is in a very bad situation now (his new wife found out everything). And I feel I shouldn't desert him now. But is this a reason I'm bringing up to talk to him and be with him?!? May be.

[RecordProducer]

I'm finding it very difficult to break up with him, because i love him. In one of the other forums in LS, too, friends have been encouraging me to breakup, but I am stuck. I don't even know where to begin the ending process.

 

He is in a very bad situation now (his new wife found out everything). And I feel I shouldn't desert him now. But is this a reason I'm bringing up to talk to him and be with him?!? May be.

How are you two going to be together? Will he move to the UK?

[RoseRen]

How are you two going to be together? Will he move to the UK?

 

If things work out well, that would be the plan. I am looking at this job offer in the US, but have to wait for the visa until end of next year. Depending on when things get sorted, it would be either UK/US.

 

I'm trying to think positively that he does love me and he will be back with me and everything will be OK and next year this time we will be happily settled in one of those developed countries away from our nagging parents. But the streak of doubt is still there.

[RecordProducer]

If things work out well, that would be the plan. I am looking at this job offer in the US, but have to wait for the visa until end of next year. Depending on when things get sorted, it would be either UK/US.

 

I'm trying to think positively that he does love me and he will be back with me and everything will be OK and next year this time we will be happily settled in one of those developed countries away from our nagging parents. But the streak of doubt is still there.

I have a few questions:

 

Does he agree with these plans?

How do you communicate right now?

When was the last time you saw each other?

How will he move to UK/US? Does he have a visa?

How will he stay? As your husband?

What are you going to do about the other marriage?

Does he speak English?

Is he qualified to get a decent job?

[RoseRen]

I have a few questions:

 

Does he agree with these plans?

How do you communicate right now?

When was the last time you saw each other?

How will he move to UK/US? Does he have a visa?

How will he stay? As your husband?

What are you going to do about the other marriage?

Does he speak English?

Is he qualified to get a decent job?

 

He was promising me this until his wife heard all abt it. He is suffering from ED, so he has lost all his confidence now.

 

We talk to each other regularly over the net and phone atleast for a couple of hours.

 

We saw each other 3.5 months ago in this country where he is working.

 

He will have to join me as a dependent, which means he has to get a divorce from his current marriage, to prevent any sort of immigration issues.

 

He was talking of divorcing her.

 

He speaks English - not very fluently though.

 

He wasn't good with his studies, but has a good work experience of 5+ years in the computer field.

[RecordProducer]

He is suffering from ED

And you still want him?

He will have to join me as a dependent, which means he has to get a divorce from his current marriage, to prevent any sort of immigration issues.

How likely is this to happen? Does he need a permission from his parents? Will his wife give him a divorce?

 

He was talking of divorcing her.

Talking and doing are two different things. How old are you, honey?

 

How did you guys meet? Did you know each other enough before you got married? Did his parents know about your marriage when they forced him into an arranged one?

[RoseRen]

And you still want him?

How likely is this to happen? Does he need a permission from his parents? Will his wife give him a divorce?

Talking and doing are two different things. How old are you, honey?

 

How did you guys meet? Did you know each other enough before you got married? Did his parents know about your marriage when they forced him into an arranged one?

 

He has ED... but he is my husband. Don't people with ED deserve a life? I think they do. Just my thought.

 

He is telling me now he can't come back to me. That is nothing to do with their divorce. Its to do with his condition.

 

He has some financial issues, so he cant just dump her and come. And she is a sweet thing, even I was in his position I would think a 100 times before I dump her.

 

Even I don't want to build my hopes that he will divorce her and come back to me.

 

I am 25 and he is 29. We have been friends since baby sitting days.

 

His parents knew we were married. But they still forced him with this