Am I a husband-stealer?

[RecordProducer]

Good luck, Rose. But I think you'll be better off if you just get over him eventually. Try to work on that. If he never comes back to you, don't grieve over that love forever. Let it go.

[norajane]

And I feel I shouldn't desert him now.

 

He deserted YOU when he married his other wife. Why are you trying so hard to hold on to a man who isn't nearly as committed to you as you are to him? Don't you think what he did was disrespectful to you?

 

He put his family's wishes before you. You put your love for him before your family's wishes, and accepted the consequences. Don't you see the difference?

[norajane]

I'm trying to think positively that he does love me and he will be back with me and everything will be OK and next year this time we will be happily settled in one of those developed countries away from our nagging parents. But the streak of doubt is still there.

 

Next year this time, he will have a baby or one on the way. Face the reality, RoseRen.

[RecordProducer]

He put his family's wishes before you. You put your love for him before your family's wishes, and accepted the consequences. Don't you see the difference?

Wow, this is so well put and so true.

[taiko]

I had posted my story on a different forum here, but wanted to have thoughts from a religious perspective.

 

My husband married another lady, while we were having some relationship issues and while I was away in a different country. (The story is far more complicated than it sounds). We do love each other still, and we still communicate with each other daily. I do speak to his new wife too, though she is not aware of the real situation. She knows me as my husband's best friend. Their's is an arranged marriage, while our's was a love marriage, and was known only to the immediate family members.

 

After all that happened, I decided to forgive him and have him back if he ever did come back and he decided to divorce his new wife and get back to me, thought not that quick.

 

Am I doing something wrong here? I occasionally feel guilty, mainly because some people advised me that I am the one who should move on. I have had friends say that I deserve a better person or that since not many people know that we are married, I should just let go. But I do trust him when he says he is sorry for what happened and he does love me.

 

I can see that my husband did commit a mistake, but instead of blaming him, can we do something so that he can be guilt-free?

From my limited Christian perspective. Since yopur husband left you and got into an illegal null and void marriage back in his homeland if you want to frogive him and welcome him back you would not be a husband stealer. However he is a non Christian who left you, maybe partially because you are a Christian, but definately under familier pressure. His leaving under those circumstances gives Biblical reasons for you to let him go.

 

His having engaged in an illegal bigamist marriage makes all attempts to get a visa into a western nation problematical. I would say get annulled or divorced and move on with life. A couple of weeks ago on NCIS they had a storyline about the "soul mates" seperated and the teams attempt to reunited them. Well the twist at the end was that one soul mate had moved on and the other came to that acceptance.

[RoseRen]

There is news!

 

My H is religiously divorcing his new wife. It is a process called Talaaq and the initiation will happen on Saturday.

 

I wanted to post this with the title "Good News" (I did that at one of the other threads.) But on second thougts, it would be inhumane to close my eyes at the pain of the other lady.

 

I know he is not divorcing her because she isn't good... nor because I'm better. The legal divorce can be initiated only after another 6months.

 

We know there is lot of things that needs to be worked out between me and H, and I need to learn to let go of the past to avoid future conflicts.

 

I'm glad to hear taika's reply on my initial question. That's something I can quote if anyone pulled my name out during this divorce phase. Thanks taika.

 

I also want to thank all of you who had been giving me their opinions, supporting me and advising me. All your words did mean something to me.

[RoseRen]

He deserted YOU when he married his other wife. Why are you trying so hard to hold on to a man who isn't nearly as committed to you as you are to him? Don't you think what he did was disrespectful to you?

 

He put his family's wishes before you. You put your love for him before your family's wishes, and accepted the consequences. Don't you see the difference?

 

Sorry missed this post. Thanks Nora. Actually it did strike a chord.

 

I don't want him to divorce and be back to me and then go like... "I put my love before my family's wishes and u put ur family's wishes before me?!? Now thou shalt suffer!" But not a bad idea for a vengeance though. (Just joking.)

 

Well, just because he is divorcing, it doesn't mean we are going to get back and start a family just like that. Will have to wait another year until the legal divorce is done. He made a mistake, and I have made too. Next step would be to learn to not repeat them. And pointing out such things would help us build our relationship again. Lots of improvements to be made.

 

I know he always put his family before me - out of fear and out of respect. I don't know how to change his priorities though. I hope he doesn't do this a second time to me. I think if that happens it would be as good as he is dead - I do believe in resurrection, but I don't believe it happens twice.

[Lizzie60]

Husband Stealer... there is no such thing...

 

A husband is not a THING that can be stolen... he is into the A 110%... and he's the one who said the vows...

 

I do not believe in marriage and I am not religious any more.

[norajane]

Sorry missed this post. Thanks Nora. Actually it did strike a chord.

 

I don't want him to divorce and be back to me and then go like... "I put my love before my family's wishes and u put ur family's wishes before me?!? Now thou shalt suffer!" But not a bad idea for a vengeance though. (Just joking.)

 

Well, just because he is divorcing, it doesn't mean we are going to get back and start a family just like that. Will have to wait another year until the legal divorce is done. He made a mistake, and I have made too. Next step would be to learn to not repeat them. And pointing out such things would help us build our relationship again. Lots of improvements to be made.

 

I know he always put his family before me - out of fear and out of respect. I don't know how to change his priorities though. I hope he doesn't do this a second time to me. I think if that happens it would be as good as he is dead - I do believe in resurrection, but I don't believe it happens twice.

 

My point was why take him back in the first place? He's already done the damage. He's already shown you his true colors. When he had a choice, he made it, and it wasn't you.

 

Now, supposedly, he is divorcing and coming back to you. I ask you why you want a guy like that? He doesn't have any integrity or character - if he had any, he wouldn't have married his other wife and ruined her life too.

[RecordProducer]

RoseRen, don't be surprised if he doesn't divorce his wife and if he is just pulling your leg. I don't know his economic situation, but he also might have ulterior motives for joining you in the UK.

[RoseRen]

RoseRen, don't be surprised if he doesn't divorce his wife and if he is just pulling your leg. I don't know his economic situation, but he also might have ulterior motives for joining you in the UK.

 

He did divorce his wife yesterday. The legal procedure is not over yet though. He needs to provide for her until she gets married, which won't happen for another 6 months. But ultimately she will get married as she is very young (18 years).

 

My parents had called me to inform the news. And he had also mailed me in great detail about the whole thing. My parents have warned me about the same thing as you - about the money and about he wanting to come to UK.

 

Until the legal divorce is over, I won't (or rather can't) bring him to UK and he knows that too. And I've been avoiding him for the last 3 days (though it is a painful thing to do).

 

I don't want to jump into a decision so I am going to stay away from him for a month and see how I feel. I also want to know if he will miss me like I do. He does miss me - but then that usually happens when there is no one else around. I'm like the "last resort" for him.

 

As of today, I want us to be together, though the relationship needs a lot of fixing. This might change in another 27 days - you never know!

[RecordProducer]

He did divorce his wife yesterday. The legal procedure is not over yet though. He needs to provide for her until she gets married, which won't happen for another 6 months. But ultimately she will get married as she is very young (18 years).

 

My parents had called me to inform the news. And he had also mailed me in great detail about the whole thing. My parents have warned me about the same thing as you - about the money and about he wanting to come to UK.

 

Until the legal divorce is over, I won't (or rather can't) bring him to UK and he knows that too. And I've been avoiding him for the last 3 days (though it is a painful thing to do).

 

I don't want to jump into a decision so I am going to stay away from him for a month and see how I feel. I also want to know if he will miss me like I do. He does miss me - but then that usually happens when there is no one else around. I'm like the "last resort" for him.

 

As of today, I want us to be together, though the relationship needs a lot of fixing. This might change in another 27 days - you never know!

He divorced his wife? Are you sure about this? Well, it sounds like your enthusiasm has slightly imploded now that he is available again.

 

By the way, when did he let you know about the second marriage? Before or after he got married? If after, how long after the wedding?

[RoseRen]

He divorced his wife? Are you sure about this? Well, it sounds like your enthusiasm has slightly imploded now that he is available again.

 

Well... nothing has actually changed with his divorce. I kind of feel the same. I've not spoken to him for 4 days now, may be that is the reason I'm not feeling the "excitement".

 

Had spoken to his new wife on the day before the divorce and I feel sorry for her. Somewhere deep down I feel like I am one of the factors for her sorrow.

 

Also, it's not like he divorced and now we are together. I really want the relationship to improve. We had this long talk about what is missing - and believe me - there is a lot missing in our relationship. And I can't blame him alone.

 

By the way, when did he let you know about the second marriage? Before or after he got married? If after, how long after the wedding?

 

A couple of days after he got married.

 

I'm hoping history won't repeat itself again. But this time I know his family won't pressurize him. They know its not worth doing it, after they learned that we have been in touch even after they got him married.