Why does he want us to remain in contact??? I'm trying to think this through..

[SunnyLady]

Hi! My ex left me ...he said it wasnt working, said his feelings for me had reduced, said he couldnt cope with a committed relationship at this point. He also (literally) chose to curb his feelings and put a limit/ check on how far he let his feelings go (he told me this himself). He also said he didnt want us to fall in love again (as we made up and broke up a 2nd time).

 

Reagardless, he always made it clear that he wanted us to remain friends. I contacted him within the 2 weeks of our breakup, he was very very happy to hear from me, even giving me a call back when he missed my call). After that i resumed NC. A week ago, he contaced me and the first thing he said was i quote "its been years". And that he had been expecting to see me at an event he attended. It really did seem like he was shocked we hadnt been in contact for a month. Maybe he never belived i would not call him for so long.

 

 

A few days ago, went to some event. Saw him. He hugged me, and the first thing he said to me was "hello stranger". He also commented that i had grown smaller.

 

I just need to know (in a bit to gain closure and not make the wrong mistake) why he wants us to remain in contact? Its obvious he dsnt like this absent behaviour of mine and would very much want us to remain in contact. Is it beacause

 

1) he wants to feel less guilty about the split, and being friends might make him believe i am not hurting, i am fine and perhaps protray him in a good light?

 

2) does he want to keep me in his life maybe cos we have always had good and lovely conversations. And also of good company.

 

3) he perhaps missed the friendship part of me...or maybe wants to keep me on the side incase he wants to come back.. or get a squeeze

 

4) is it just an ego thing? him always wanting to be in charge. always wanting to be able to predict me, my actions etc.

 

 

iv been soo tempted to call him because i know i will get a lovely reception. he dsnt even mind coming to visit me in my home (when we split he said we would still come over as a friend). And i realy do enjoy his company sooo much! he is such an infectious person even though he hurt me badly.

 

I really need your advice!! vey few people have ever replied to my posts :-(. Please please do not neglet me! I don't want to make the wrong move. Why does he want us to remain friends? Should i go with it?

[pinktiger]

My ex did same thing to me. We have been friends for 4 weeks now. the answers for your questions are yes yes yes yes. It will make you happy temporarily but kill you internally. You need to have enough courage.

[MattyTee]

Hey Sunny,

 

I'm really tired and about to head to bed but I just wanted to say this. You need to take your power back in the situation, it's up to you whether you want to be friends with him now, not the other way around. No one here can tell you why he wants to be friends but I can assure you, as Pink says, it will be very, very difficult unless you are over him. I've done enough damage to myself with just a few days 'friendship'.

 

Just remember there could be any number of reasons he wants to be friends. He might want to string you along, he might genuinely want to be your friend, he might think he's made a mistake. If you look after yourself now and focus there, you can see what happens

 

Be honest with yourself and him about what YOU want and then do it. It's your power

 

*hugs* Look after yourself

[hopeforlove243]

Hi Sunny,

I am in the similar situation as you are. My ex-bf broke up with me, but insists that we can be friends, still hang out like before. Yet he started seeing other woman, I found it is so hard to be his friend, because I still love him, and it driving me crazy to think about he has other woman in his life(he insists they are just friends). I am doing NC, it is almost 2 weeks (I did call him last week to wish him happy b-day, but didn't talk much), it is sooooooo hard.

Will you be ok if he is seeing other woman? that is very important.

[MartianChronicles]

must be a common feature of all ex's...

 

yesterday, my ex and i had a short conversation. it was me who phoned, in reply to a series of text messaged which had been going on for the whole weekend. this time i told him to leave me alone as keeping in contact with him would only make me sick. he said i needed to grow up, that adults remain friends after breakups (where???? who???? why??? what the f*ck?????) and im' just a void silly girl.

 

result: i had a breakdown and almost spent the whole sunday crying and feeling a wreck,

 

now back to nc and also back to square one. hell.

[ninjaturtles]

you need to take your power back in the situation-Matt

 

 

Yuop...He had power over you in the past,if you stop contacting him( dont tell him expresly that you dont want to be friends), it will keep him wondering...what's she up to? Why doesnt she call anymore? etc.

I dont really beleive in being friends with someone who has hurt you, if you are ever going to be friends, when you're over him would be fine.

 

Dont fall into the 'friendzone'..who needs our exes as friends?

 

Ok but the above options may well be possible. If you keep contacting him, he will know you are still a bit hung up over him etc.

 

 

ps- Dont contact and bump into him oneday looking gorg...you'ld look brandnew to him..lol..I kid i kid..dont play games...just keep on ignoring him/NC.....xx

[MattyTee]

Oh Martian I feel for you!

 

I had the same thing on Saturday with my ex (albeit by email). She asked why couldn't I just be friends with her like I was with A**** (she picked a random friend of mine). How can she not see why? Is she insane?

 

I spent Sunday in trouble too ... so *hugs*

 

I think people can still be friends after a break up but that it can only happen when both people are ready. For me, I still love her very much and to be close to her while she dates other guys ... would tear me apart. So, I walked away.

[LoisLane]

He probably wants to stay in contact so that if other chicks don't give the time of their day, he can always go back to you. Something like a second choice/best. When that happens, you can tell him to f*** himself!

[MartianChronicles]

oh, matt *** hugs ***

 

i wonder whether our ex's are all dumb

[SunnyLady]

Hello everyone, thanks so much for your advice! The hugs were comforting too:-). I'm sorry all for what you are going through!! It must be hard. You know what i realise i was a fool to even consider being friends with him. He made his decsion to cut eliminate me from his life when he left me. Why should i accept less than what i want? Why should i hurt myself trying to be friends when i want to be more. Its all a silly ploy which will hurt me even further.

I believe he is involved with someone. Its nothing serious... he tells people they are just friends but i have no doubt that they are sexually active even if not romaantically. Let me just say i pity any woman who desires more than casual sex from him because they are in for a disspoitment. All he is interested in is having fun and not being responsible for anyone's sorrow (i quote him) and he goes around telling people he is not ready to settle down. I have never come across someone so bent against committment. Some say it has to do with his upbringing...raised in a single home, negleted by his father etc.

[sIZE=2]Hugs to everyone who feels as down as i do. It will be fine. NC reallly is the best method to adopt. I have been doing so for more than a month now and its been a bit hard but its sooo much better now. I guess his contacting me and seeing him rekindled everything.

 

Keep us posted on how things progress. xxx

[MattyTee]

Good for you Sunny

 

I'm having to walk away now too. I can't be friends with my ex (at least now) because it's just too painful. I can't even understand why she thinks it would be okay. Perhaps she's just saying it to relieve some guilt, who knows.

 

Keep strong

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think you're doing the right thing, Sunny. My experience (and from what I've seen here) is that when someone breaks up with you but "wants to still be friends," that is just his/her way to ease the guilt. After all, if you can stay friends with him, then he's not such a bad guy, right?

 

It's rarely to your benefit to stay friends with someone, particularly when strong feelings are involved. All it does is prolong the healing for the left, while making the leaver feel better about his/her actions.

 

And hey, why do anything to make HIM feel better??

[SunnyLady]

Hi everyone! Thanks for your posts!!

I took your advice and have not contacted him...I realised it was drawing me back.

 

 

Anyway he contacted me today again. He came on msn and waited 30mins, then sent me a message saying "so i don't get hello's anymore". Seemed like he was actually waiting for me to say hi first. You know i think he feels ill always be the woman who was in love with him and couldnt do without him. This is the 2nd time he has contacted me making reference to me not contacting him. (please refer to my previous post).

 

I kept my cool and calm, didnt appear too eager just sent a causal "hi, whats good". He then asked "when i started using that phrase". Lol. What a joker. Anyway during the course of the conversation, he asked how my course was going etc. I told him it was going ok, i used my weekends to rest. He then replied "good good no men are distracting you". I ensured i didnt give him much of a response to that.

 

Anyway i ended the conversation first. On my sister's advice.

 

I feel so good, feels like im gaining the power back. Is it only just me, or was there some oddness to the questions he aksed me?? Well don't know what his point was... (any ideas?). But im still stciking to no contact i.e no contact from me to him.

 

XXXX

[qwertyu]

ok so i read about your situation. i think its slighly different from mine. my ex doesnt initiate that much & doesnt sound as eager as yours. so far he has only done it once (you read in my post bout the text msg) but even when we exchanged msges, he doesnt reply at length. just normal?

 

i dont know what your ex is thinking, but he sounds rather immature to me. haha.

 

i guess its good that you feel that you deserve more than this. unlike me! when we broke up, he didnt completely eliminate me from his life. he told me that he will always ans my calls/msges if i ever contact him becos he dont see the need to avoid me. well for the first week of break up, i contacted him everyday (but just a few msges a day or 5 min phone convos). looking back, i think he did seem reluctant to talk to me cos he said he needed a break but i cldnt deal with not talking to him at all aft being so long tog & talking on the phone everyday. he never rejected me though.

 

aft awhile, i forced myself to stop contacting him so often & i guess things got better? im not sure but i feel like his attitude towards me has changed.

 

and like you, sometimes i wish i could talk to him too as a friend cos i miss him. but i get this feeling everytime i talk to him, he'd get wary of me again or he tries not to sound too enthusiastic when he talk to me. but when i dont, he MIGHT initiate conversations w me though he only sounds interested to talk at the beginning & aft awhile he doesnt say much.

 

ive no idea what's his purpose in contacting me. i mean the fact that he even contacts me shows that he wants to talk to me right? yet when i reply, he seems to back off. i dont know if he's just doing it for the sake of it (to remain friends) or he wants to talk to me/misses me but afraid i'd get the wrong ideas & think we stand a chance (i know he doesnt want to mislead me)