I am so lost

[heftysmurf]

Hello everyone I never thought I would be posting here but here you go.

I have been with my wife for eleven years and married the past six. We have a beautiful 3 year old child. She cheated on me with one of my best friends. This went on for 5 years. So basically 5 out of the six years we were married she cheated on me with him. This gets worse. She is (was) best friends with his wife. They have two kids as well. I found out just this Saturday by snooping into their hidden email account. I told his wife as well.

I am emmotionally real messed up right now and do not know what to do. I think I still love her and want to be with my child. However I cannot come to grips that they deceived me for years. We hung out went on vacations etc. As couples we were real close. I just feel like they were laughing at me the whole time.

 

She said she would never do it again and wants me to stay.

 

I want to get back to where we were but I do not know if I can even get close.

 

Is this trauma survivable and do we have a chance?

 

The length of time they had this going on is killing me. HELP!

[Ladyjane14]

I want to get back to where we were but I do not know if I can even get close.

 

Marriages can, and often do, heal after infidelity. That said, why on earth would you even want to 'get back to where you were'??? Apparently, "where you were" was being cheated on for nearly the entirety of your marriage.

 

My suggestion to you would be to take some time to absorb all this. Remain noncommittal for a few weeks. The knee-jerk reaction when an infidelity is discovered is to jump in a "fix" it. But... sometimes when you step back and evaluate the situation, what you might find is that you don't really WANT to.

 

From here, she looks like a pretty cold person. Someone who can look into the face of her husband *and* her best friend, and then lie her ass off... well, it sounds to me like she needs to do some work on herself before she'll be worth a sh*t to anybody.

 

Give yourself some time to think things through. Don't let you WW (wayward wife) rush you on this. Just tell her that you're not prepared to make a life-altering decision yet. Good grief! .. if she can spend FIVE YEARS making her choices, surely she can sit her ass down and wait for a few weeks on yours.

[outofdarkness]

Hello everyone I never thought I would be posting here but here you go.

I have been with my wife for eleven years and married the past six. We have a beautiful 3 year old child. She cheated on me with one of my best friends. This went on for 5 years. So basically 5 out of the six years we were married she cheated on me with him. This gets worse. She is (was) best friends with his wife. They have two kids as well. I found out just this Saturday by snooping into their hidden email account. I told his wife as well.

I am emmotionally real messed up right now and do not know what to do. I think I still love her and want to be with my child. However I cannot come to grips that they deceived me for years. We hung out went on vacations etc. As couples we were real close. I just feel like they were laughing at me the whole time.

 

She said she would never do it again and wants me to stay.

 

I want to get back to where we were but I do not know if I can even get close.

 

Is this trauma survivable and do we have a chance?

 

The length of time they had this going on is killing me. HELP!

Hi..Yes, it is survivable but takes much time, patience and a firm willingness on BOTH sides to even begin to start over. Right now, you are still in shock. My suggestion would be that you separate for a time and get your thoughts together. Only you can know if you can put this behind you and begin anew w/ your wife. Some can, some can't. My H and I did stay together, and he cheated for 10 years. It has been a long, tedious and VERY painful journey. It is not one that I would trade in for anything due to the personal growth on both sides, but it is not an easy one either. Some can forgive, but can't ever forget and the pain and anger are just too much to endure. Some NEVER forgive or forget and just end up making themselves and their partner miserable for the rest of their lives.

 

If you are to stay w/ her, IMO, you must tell her that counseling is a must and you MUST have boundaries and limits set. It's such a personal thing and each situation is so unique. Everyone on LS will tell you how painful my journey has been, but as I said there has been much personal growth and healing w/ both myself and my husband. If it were me, I would not just take her word that she will not cheat again. Her life must be an open book right now. She lied to you for years, and it will take years for you to regain your trust in her. She must EARN that trust back.

 

I am so sorry for you and will be thinking of you. LS is a great place to get support. Glad you're here. ood

[amaysngrace]

She's a bitch and he's an ass. I think they deserve each other. So that they can be together and go cheat on each other.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's very unfair. And I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling. XO

 

Personally I think you should do whatever you think is best for you. Take her completely out of the equation when making your decision. She's had it her way long enough. Now it's your turn.

 

Make copies of the emails if you haven't already. You never know how it's gonna go down.

 

I also think that while you may love "her" you need to realize that "her" isn't who you thought "her" was at all. She's deceptive and she's a liar.

 

I understand that this is all fresh and it hurts bad. But you need to take the proper steps to protect yourself from further harm by her.

 

I would call a lawyer, the best in town.

[Shades of Grey]

If you want to survive it you can but i'm not sure why you would.

You might love her still but if someone can lie and cheat to that extent I think that sadly it speaks volumes about how she feels about you.

 

I'm truely sorry for what you are going through.

[Cobra_X30]

She said she would never do it again and wants me to stay.

 

 

If I could double underline this I would.

 

She didnt stop, come forward and tell you! YOU found out yourself!

 

So why on Gods green earth would you believe anything she says?

 

What makes you want to stay married to her?

[heftysmurf]

Thank you for your help. I really feel I have nobody totalk to right now. Keep the advice coming. It is helping to clear my head.

[Chrome Barracuda]

5 out of 6???

 

Dude this wasnt a marriage! Why dont you get it annulled!!!

 

Apparently she didnt marry the right man if she cheated before during and after the wedding.

 

I know if I was you I would be tossing her ass out of the street and letting all her friends know what a trifling chick she really is.

 

 

Exposure always if not destroys affairs. or at least people would know what she did to be kicked out. When men cheat they lose everything , why not women. It's just as fair.

 

I would consult an attorney just to be safe. If she pulls off this amount of deceit for 90% of your marriage do you know who your wife truly is?

 

How many more secrets is she hiding?

 

Has she slept with other men? Does she have STD's? is that baby even yours?

 

I mean what the hell was she thinking?

[heftysmurf]

I want to try to make this work is my daughter. I do believe she would not do it again but man the scar is deep.

[amaysngrace]

Do you think it's okay for your daughter to be cheated on? Because you are her role model the same as her mom.

 

And if mommy does it and daddy's okay with it...

 

Think about your daughter. Think about all the time this woman spent being selfishly absorbed while not thinking of your daughter. She took time away from her, time she should have been spending on her, and used it for her own selfish reasons.

 

And that's okay with you?

 

In some ways she's been cheating on your daughter too.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, this drama going on around your daughter isn't healthy. She may not 'know' exactly what's going on, but she feels the tension, the negative energy.

 

You and your wife can still be good parents to your daughter, just in separate houses. It can work if you both put her first.

 

Not too sure how you can ever trust your wife again, I mean what she did to you is DOUBLE betrayal, and even worse, 5 of the 6 years she was with your so called 'bestfriend.' Yeah, he is NO friend of yours!!!

 

So, is your wife in no contact mode with him? Are they completely over?

[Cobra_X30]

I want to try to make this work is my daughter. I do believe she would not do it again but man the scar is deep.

 

Your daughter will be happy if you are happy! If she sees you sit around in a miserable marriage... she wont be happy, in fact that is emotionally damaging. Trust me, I lived it.

 

I'm still unclear on why you believe your wife would not do this again? 5 years of lies and deciept?

 

Are you afriad to leave?

[heftysmurf]

I am not afraid to leave. It is just we built a great life for our daughter. She is happy and a joy to be around. I could not imagine a better daughter.

I have spoke once after the d-day phone call I made to her former best friend and I think they will stay together at this point. I also think of her friend as a fool.

They did this just for sex. They did not have an emotional desire to be together that she will admit to and I kinda believe that.

[whichwayisup]

And your wife ruined your 'family unit' by screwing YOUR bestfriend!

 

If this marriage ends, it's HER doing, not yours. She shouldn't expect you to forgive her. There are some things that are unforgivable, and something you need to think about it, she lived a LIE for 5 of the 6 years you two were married. How do you know what is real and what isn't?

 

I usually don't tell people to throw in the towel, I usually tell them to work it out BECAUSE of the kids, but in your situation, it's different. She outright LIED and betrayed you for 5 years KNOWINGLY. This woman changed beneath your eyes and lived another life while married to you WITH your bestfriend. Where is your anger and hate here?

[Cobra_X30]

I am not afraid to leave. It is just we built a great life for our daughter. She is happy and a joy to be around. I could not imagine a better daughter.

I have spoke once after the d-day phone call I made to her former best friend and I think they will stay together at this point. I also think of her friend as a fool.

They did this just for sex. They did not have an emotional desire to be together that she will admit to and I kinda believe that.

 

Just for sex? Does that mean you are unavailable in that department?

 

Why do you think her friend is a fool? It sounds like you are going to stay together also? Whats so different about that?

 

I want to clarify that I am not trying to talk you into a divorce. I just want to see that you are staying for good reasons, and with open eyes.

 

Your daughter needs to see you respecting yourself 1st. How do you plan to accomplish that?

[bish]

Hello everyone I never thought I would be posting here but here you go.

I have been with my wife for eleven years and married the past six. We have a beautiful 3 year old child. She cheated on me with one of my best friends. This went on for 5 years. So basically 5 out of the six years we were married she cheated on me with him. This gets worse. She is (was) best friends with his wife. They have two kids as well. I found out just this Saturday by snooping into their hidden email account. I told his wife as well.

 

Good for you. She deserves to know.

 

I am emotionally real messed up right now and do not know what to do. I think I still love her and want to be with my child.

 

Trust me...I've been there and know how you feel. But after it is all said and done, do you really love someone that spread her legs for your best friend?? In the end there was no way I was going to find myself in love with a huss like that. So I am divorcing her.

 

However I cannot come to grips that they deceived me for years. We hung out went on vacations etc. As couples we were real close. I just feel like they were laughing at me the whole time.

 

Then get the last laugh. Make a case for yourself, get a lawyer without her knowing and go for custody.

 

She said she would never do it again and wants me to stay.

 

don't you believe it.

 

I want to get back to where we were but I do not know if I can even get close.

 

Getting back to where you were before the affair is impossible not matter what anyone says. Why? Because you are not exiled to a life of thinking about what she did to you and how she could betray you so badly.

 

And this so-called friend of yours is nothing of the sort. You need to let him know he is not a friend and you will have nothing to do with him ever again.

 

Is this trauma survivable and do we have a chance?

 

Oh there is always a chance...but she will weather the storm just fine. While you on the other hand will never trust her ever again and will always have thoughts of what she did to you and what she did with this other guy. Is that a "chance" you want?

 

The length of time they had this going on is killing me. HELP!

 

 

Man, I was in your shoes just not 6 months ago. I felt the same things you did...wanting to hold on for the kids...thinking that she might stop.

 

In the end...I couldn't even look at her without wanting to slap her in the face...and no, I wouldn't slap her because I am not violent or aggressive and I don't condone anything of the sort.

 

So I divorced her. With 5 years of her screwing this guy, I really don't see anything but divorce for you. But it is up to you. I understand what is going through your head. I can honestly say now that I am away from her I am happier...especially since I am dating again.

 

I think you will be happier in the long run if you get rid of this cheater. I know...easier said than done...well my brutha....I did it. So can you.

[bish]

Oh..and another thing....get a paternity test on your child.

[heftysmurf]

What I am going to do.

She states on the sex angle I was not passionate enough.

I do not know if I will stay with her at this point. I am still figurijng it out. You guys and gals are helping a lot.

[amaysngrace]

She states on the sex angle I was not passionate enough.

 

That's f^cked up. She's making it be your fault.

 

Selfish selfish selfish

[bish]

I am not afraid to leave. It is just we built a great life for our daughter.

 

No, YOU built a great life for your daughter. SHE is engaging in the destruction of that life for her.

 

They did this just for sex. They did not have an emotional desire to be together that she will admit to and I kinda believe that.

 

Even if they did it "just for sex"..hell...thats worse. That means she will always be itching to spread them for another guy...whether she actually ever does or not. You'll know she wants to. So why would you want to stay with a woman that wants to bone other guys?

 

I say kick her out and divorce her....get your daughter and keep her in your home. But keep it under wraps...save emails, talk to a lawyer and see about getting custody.

[Bryanp]

This is so sad. She had no problems engaging in a double betrayal toward you and screwing your friend for 5 of your 6 years of marriage. You went on trips together and was screwing him when your back was turned. You can bet she was not using protection and had no problems putting your health at risk for STD's. You know she was getting a perverse thrill screwing this guy under your nose. She tells you it was just sex. I bet that makes you feel real special.

 

She said that she will not do it again....Oh Please. She had made a complete mockery of your marriage. I don't know how old your daughter is but maybe it would make sense to have a paternity test done.

 

She has shown a total distain for you and has engaged in total humiliation and disrespect toward you. She probably wants to stay in the marriage to maintain her lifestyle.

All of your anniversaries were a big joke to her. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such humiliation from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is still playing you for a fool and I think you know this or you are totally in denial. Enough is enough.

[whichwayisup]

She states on the sex angle I was not passionate enough

 

Uhh, so instead of her TALKING to you about this so you both could work together to bring the passion back into your sex life, she chose to cheat on you for 5 f**k'n years?

 

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such humiliation from you?

 

Think about this. If you banged another woman, say HER bestfriend for 5 of the 6 years of the marriage, do you believe she would forgive you, give you a second chance? Or would she kick you out, talk to a lawyer, divorce and take you for everything you have.

[Bryanp]

Another point I forgot to mention. You had to catch her. You can be sure she would still be screwing him if she was not caught. Clearly she had no intention of ever stopping humiliating you and screwing him. You deserve better than this. Would you want your children when they are grown to stay in such a marriage?

[heftysmurf]

You guys are helping me. I am not in the uncontrolled rage stage now. I swabbed my daughter last night for a paternity test. I have to find a way to stop chain smoking long enough to swap myself. This will likely be my last smoke for two hours to have a clean swab.

She states it was only the last two years the had intercourse. She was performing felatio on him in secret.

Writing that hurt.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry for your pain. And I hope that your daughter is yours, but if by chance she isn't, I hope you still remain her father as you are all she knows..