I am so lost

[In mourning]

To Whomever,

 

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

 

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

 

Joseph

[In mourning]

Print the letter out and share it with your wife. It helped my fwh understand why I kept asking why.

[herenow]

In mourning, that is a great letter. I wish I had it when I was in the questioning stage. It would have saved me so much time trying to explain why I needed the pieces of the puzzle.

 

There are some who say that just knowing your spouse had an affair should be enough to be able to decide if you should stay or go, but there are those of us who need the whole story to be able to move on in either direction.

 

I couldn't tell you how many hours, days or weeks we spent talking about the details of my H's affair, but I do know that had he not answered my questions, there is no way our marriage would have worked. It's not that I really cared so much about the actual details, I just wanted the truth. To be honest, the truth really hurt and there were times that I wondered why I was putting myself through the torture. It wasn't until the puzzle was complete that I was able to let my H back into my life.

 

The best thing for me was to live without my H for a while. It gave me the confidence I needed to know that I would be OK on my own. I can't tell you what you should do about your marriage. Every relationship is different and only you know how much you are able to forgive what your wife has done. I can tell you that you need to be comfortable knowing that it may not work out and you will be able to move on. Once you have reached that inner peace, you can start to think about if you want to stay married, and your decision won't be made out of fear of being without your wife.

 

Your daughter will be happy if you are happy. I know it's hard to put your best interest above your daughter's, but that is what you need to do to be able to make the best decision for both of you.

[heftysmurf]

My wife is staying at a hotel for the week. I have a hard time looking at her. The two things that kill me the most our:

 

1) Our daughter. How could you do this while she slept 10 feet away?

 

2) How could you lie for so long and not talk to me. Did she ever really love me? Or did she love the life I have provided? I had to bust you to find out. If this would have ended sooner and I did not find out it is still very wrong but I am not typing this message.

 

I am going to bide my time. I can take a week a month a year or years to make a decision on this. I am still so lost but at least you lifted some fog. Between the people that say get the hell out of the marriage to people who have survived 10 years of infidelity I thank you. You are both correct.

I am going to MC and see if I can improve myself and my situation for my daughter sake. In the end she is all that matters.

[amaysngrace]

I am going to MC and see if I can improve myself and my situation for my daughter sake. In the end she is all that matters.

 

Good man. Stay strong.

 

XO

[heftysmurf]

Hi I still feel like I am in d-day and wondering anything I can do to prop myself up

[Ladyjane14]

Eat right, sleep right, get the appropriate amount of exercise, and avoid alcohol. A shock to the mind often results in a shock to the body. Heck, I lost 20 pound in a month on "The Infidelity Diet" just from feeling so sick to my stomach all the time.

 

Infidelity can also bring on depression, so see your doctor if you feel like you're slipping. S/he has heard it all, so don't worry that you're going to feel embarrassed. You needn't talk to the office staff about your personal business.

[amaysngrace]

Hi I still feel like I am in d-day and wondering anything I can do to prop myself up

 

I think you need to honor yourself now. Every day wake up and plan to do something good for you.

 

Maybe even more than one.

 

Before you go to sleep write down what you'd like to do the next day. Things you've wanted to do but haven't made the time for.

 

I think that will help you find your center more quickly because all this has no doubt left you off-balance.

 

Or you can wait for someone else more logical to reply. I'm kinda hippie in my thinking.

[heftysmurf]

I let her come back home last night and it was torture. I told her we likely need a sepration with her getting an apartment. I do still love her but hate what she did. I also found out this started within our 1st year of marriage. I do not know how to cope with the fact I still love her. She was their for my birthday anniverseries etc. She was not with the OM. She choose to be with me.

We are seeing a MC today. I have no clue how this will pan out.

I am struggling to find out why she married me at all. I cannot think of why she did and she if anyone had any insight.

I read a little bit of a book I bought at the store last night about surviving an affair and it talked about she sperated the two. So maybe she did love me but did not think about how this would effect me as it was seperate. I know that is small thing they made me feel slightly better.

The last thing I want to mention is the main reason I want to make this work is my daughter. I can see some negative effects already. It makes me so sad. She is at that stage where she is doing so many new things and is beyond fun to be around. I love her so much I have truely become selfless with her.

Is their is a light at the end of this dark dark horrible tunnel?

outofdarkness i am particularly interested in what you have gone through as you are dealing with a long term affair as well.

Anybody else who is dealing with a long term affair on either side of the fence I would like to hear from you as well.

You gals and guys have been the greatest help to me at all. Thank

[Chrome Barracuda]

I let her come back home last night and it was torture. I told her we likely need a sepration with her getting an apartment. I do still love her but hate what she did. I also found out this started within our 1st year of marriage. I do not know how to cope with the fact I still love her. She was their for my birthday anniverseries etc. She was not with the OM. She choose to be with me.

We are seeing a MC today. I have no clue how this will pan out.

I am struggling to find out why she married me at all. I cannot think of why she did and she if anyone had any insight.

I read a little bit of a book I bought at the store last night about surviving an affair and it talked about she sperated the two. So maybe she did love me but did not think about how this would effect me as it was seperate. I know that is small thing they made me feel slightly better.

The last thing I want to mention is the main reason I want to make this work is my daughter. I can see some negative effects already. It makes me so sad. She is at that stage where she is doing so many new things and is beyond fun to be around. I love her so much I have truely become selfless with her.

Is their is a light at the end of this dark dark horrible tunnel?

outofdarkness i am particularly interested in what you have gone through as you are dealing with a long term affair as well.

Anybody else who is dealing with a long term affair on either side of the fence I would like to hear from you as well.

You gals and guys have been the greatest help to me at all. Thank

 

You should file for seperation because it looks like she's still emeshed in this affair. LTA's are hard to break off and it is like an addiction to them.

 

I would kick her out officially.

 

There's nothing to think about , you was just a thing to do, get married. have kids, breakup, have a MLC, yadda, yadda.

 

You cannot rationalize with a person who has sociopathic tendencies. Those are people with seriously screwed up mindsets.

 

Have you exposed the affair. Told family members. Going to Martial Counciling? Does she want to go, is she commited to NC, restoring your marriage.

 

I'm sorry but if I was in your shoes I would consider your marriage a complete lie and work towards an annulment!

 

That's just the way it is. That's not anger talking, that's just plain logic.

 

I hope for the best for you, but cheating before the marriage and all through out during??? Did you guys even have a real marriage? Hell no!!!

 

Trust me, go for physical custody of your kids and you pay her to get the hell out, that's the only way.

[White Flower]

Hi Hefty,

I think you are smart for asking for all types to post because it gives you a more rounded picture. I agree with a lot of what Chrome Barracuda says, except for the part that all LTA pariticipants are sociopaths. It is like a drug, it is hard to leave, but it is not (always) sociopathic.

If I felt my H loved me enough to become what I needed I would never have started the A and I would certainly end the A it if he found out now and said he wanted to be my everything. I'm not sure I believe he can be since he never tried before, but I would owe him that much. Remember though, I tried to get him to work on things for over 20 years and I finally gave out. I believe now that he just isn't the right man for me and all these years I have been wrongfully hoping he could eventuallly be. I hope this helps.

[heftysmurf]

She has done the right things (so far). We went to MC today. I actually think it helped somewhat. I still have a very hard time being around her. I am starting to settle a bit and I think you guys and gals are the reason. This going to be long hard road whatever I decide to do. I feel the need for the quick fix but know their is none.

You are right as well in that I need to think of just my daughter and myself at this point in time. I wish time would accelerate so I could come to a conclusion on my life.

I wish I could make a decision right now but is hard. We were together 5 years before we were married and they were some of the best years of my life. I am thinking getting married was a mistake but that is in the past.

Is it worth sticking this out? I know she is a skilled liar who disrespected me greatly but my little girl makes me think I may have to do it for her. I fear the broken home.

[norajane]

Is it worth sticking this out? I know she is a skilled liar who disrespected me greatly but my little girl makes me think I may have to do it for her. I fear the broken home.

 

Broken home? She is IN a broken home, a home that's been broken since before she was born. It doesn't get any more broken than this.

 

Don't you dare stay with a wife who lies and deceives and cheats! Your daughter will see the effect that has on your lives, and that's all she'll ever know about relationships - she'll grow up EXPECTING crappy relationships and marriages. Teach her that is is better and healthier to leave a partner who does not treat you with respect and caring and love. Don't teach her to hang on with her fingernails to someone who abuses her by cheating and lying.

[heftysmurf]

The choices would be easier. I really do not know if I love her at all. You are correct in that my life was a lie. It was a dream that was only in my head. I wish she would have never married me.

The big problem with this is finances and my daughter. I would be forced to move back to the city to try and maintain a place. I am not attached to my home as many bad memories are here but it is cheap for a house. I will be unable to provide as I have before. That kills me that this was done to my daughter by her to put me in this position.

I have very little support structure from family or friends in that I really would have no place to go and her neither. I care only in that my daughter would not be in environments I worked my whole life to provide.

[White Flower]

Broken home? She is IN a broken home, a home that's been broken since before she was born. It doesn't get any more broken than this.

 

Don't you dare stay with a wife who lies and deceives and cheats! Your daughter will see the effect that has on your lives, and that's all she'll ever know about relationships - she'll grow up EXPECTING crappy relationships and marriages. Teach her that is is better and healthier to leave a partner who does not treat you with respect and caring and love. Don't teach her to hang on with her fingernails to someone who abuses her by cheating and lying.

 

OK, this woman did lie and cheat. She has been discovered and now must put things into perspective by coming off of her drug and going through rehab.

 

Are we to assume that no cheater, man or woman, can turn thier world around? If so, then we must destroy all our jails and prisons and kill all the prisoners inside them because a tiger cannot change his stripes.

 

Except that we are human. And we can change.

 

We do not know everything. I'm not saying Heftysmurf had faults, but maybe there are some issues he needs to own that gave his wife the idea to start an affair. Right or wrong, they need to look at that. If she still loves him and wants to do the right thing, and if he finds that he still loves her in the end, then perhaps forgiveness will come and they can rebuild their marriage. We must believe in the possibility of positive change before positive change can happen.

 

Hefty, it is normal for you to feel these mood swings. You'll hate her and then love her. Just knowing this is normal should help. I'm hoping for the best outcome for you whatever that is.

[norajane]

OK, this woman did lie and cheat. She has been discovered and now must put things into perspective by coming off of her drug and going through rehab.

 

Are we to assume that no cheater, man or woman, can turn thier world around? If so, then we must destroy all our jails and prisons and kill all the prisoners inside them because a tiger cannot change his stripes.

 

Except that we are human. And we can change.

 

We do not know everything. I'm not saying Heftysmurf had faults, but maybe there are some issues he needs to own that gave his wife the idea to start an affair. Right or wrong, they need to look at that. If she still loves him and wants to do the right thing, and if he finds that he still loves her in the end, then perhaps forgiveness will come and they can rebuild their marriage. We must believe in the possibility of positive change before positive change can happen.

 

Had she cheated on him and ended the affair and told him about it, yeah, maybe there's a chance she actually wants to stay married to him for the right reasons. Had she not started the affair during their first year of marriage, and had she not continued it for another five years or so, yeah, maybe. Had she not had an affair with his best friend, yeah, maybe. Had she ended the affair herself instead of ending it only because she got caught, yeah, maybe.

 

But, under the circumstances, nope, sorry, I don't believe there's a chance in hell that this woman has any concept of what making a lifetime marriage commitment to her husband is about.

 

Exactly what marriage are they rebuilding? The months before she started her affair when she was still faithful? Or the 5+ years after that, all the while she was deceiving him?

[heftysmurf]

This whole thing is still ruining me. I need to start recovering for me. I just want this over and it feels as if their is not light at the end of this tunnel.

[whichwayisup]

Just take things one day at a time and maybe talk to your Dr about getting on anti-D's so you can function abit better. Start counselling and that should help.

[Ladyjane14]

WWIU is right. You HAVE to take care of yourself. Make your health a priority right now. Your kid is depending on you to do that.

 

Look, what you're facing is a complete upheaval in your life. Yeah, it's easier to try to put it all back together and keep on keepin' on... and marriages can recovery even after such a gross example of infidelty. But OTOH.... this woman has very stupidly handed you your ticket out of a lifelong commitment where you were disrespected on a daily basis. It's a golden opportunity when you look at it in those terms.

 

Like I said a couple of times earlier, I think it's wise for you to sit on this decision for a couple of weeks until you know your mind on it.

 

So why not utilize some of this excess time and energy to educate yourself?... give equal billing to books on marital recovery and books on divorce/co-parenting/finances?... see an attorney so you'll know what your legal rights are?... things of that nature. Information is power. So is clarity of mind.

 

If your WW is up your butt, trying to put pressure on you while you make this decision... insist on a period of separation. She's had FIVE YEARS to sort all this out in her mind. If she can't cool her heels and give you some time to absorb the shock of it all, then I think maybe you'll have received your answer as to where her priorities will consistently lie in the future.

[Cobra_X30]

Are we to assume that no cheater, man or woman, can turn thier world around? If so, then we must destroy all our jails and prisons and kill all the prisoners inside them because a tiger cannot change his stripes.

 

Except that we are human. And we can change.

 

We do not know everything. I'm not saying Heftysmurf had faults, but maybe there are some issues he needs to own that gave his wife the idea to start an affair.

 

Yes, people do change. That doesnt mean they walk away free of thier past. Change comes with consequences.

 

Those jails do not simply exist to rehabilitate. They exist first and foremost to punish!

 

Your justifcations and excuses mean nothing. You control your own actions and the responsibility those actions create. Blame others all you want if it makes you feel better, but at the end of the day you must live with truth of it.

 

You have a debt to pay!

[heftysmurf]

Forgiveness I think sometimes should have reprocussions. I cannot decide which way to turn.

[Cobra_X30]

Forgiveness I think sometimes should have reprocussions. I cannot decide which way to turn.

 

Yes, you need to forgive your wife at some point!

 

That doesnt mean you have to take her back, nor does it mean you have to be her friend. You do have to be a co-parent, so make sure that your relationship to her is positive for your daughter.

 

Hefty, your not bad if you take her back. You need to do it for the right reasons though. You may take as long as you need to consider your options... its your right!

[heftysmurf]

Now that some of the shock and awe stage is lifting a bit (mind you I am very small inside) I am begining to see clearer. I do not know if I can ever forgive and will never forget but I am feeling better. If I need to be alone so be it if I need to stay so be it. Thank god for time. It does not heal but it helps a bit.

Thanks again. I think of all of you as my freinds. Thanks for being here for me.

[JustBreathe]

I remember feeling like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is, trust me. You just have to take it a day at a time. Believe it's there even when you feel you can't and one day you will see that light.

 

You have suffered a great trauma. How would you treat someone else if they had suffered a staggering trauma and were depressed? With utmost care, kindness, gentleness and understanding. That's what you have to do for yourself.

[heftysmurf]

Got the DNA results back and they are a match

Now what to figure out to do about my WW situation.

I just wish this did not happen to my daughter. She is all I have at this point.