I am so lost

[luvmy2ns]

Making good steps? That's nice, but those steps have to be many and on a very long road before you should trust her again. And yes, she should feel very responsible for your pain and tell you that, otherwise she just doesn't care, IMO.

[Cobra_X30]

Back to not eating. My baby fat is gone. The thing that is killing ne right now is lack of remorse. Sorry does not cut it alone. She is making good steps but she has yet to sympathize with my pain and sorrow. Do WS always do this in the recovery opr am I expecting too much?

 

 

Hefty!

 

Here is a link to Dazed's Old thread! Your going through the same thing he did!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

I'm sorry Hefty, the lack of remorse is simply her selfishness. She will only feel bad for the consequences that she suffers, because she may be incapable of caring for others in a deep or meaningful way!

[heftysmurf]

I feel bad. He went through so much pain. Infedelity sucks!

[heftysmurf]

I cannot stop thinking about how bad I was betrayed. It was so easy and we were so close for her and him to ruin me. I am trying to stay for my daughter 1st and the little we had second. It is if my wife has moved on from this and I have not. She sees me cry with my head down.. I hope MC tomorrow helps.

[Cobra_X30]

I cannot stop thinking about how bad I was betrayed. It was so easy and we were so close for her and him to ruin me. I am trying to stay for my daughter 1st and the little we had second. It is if my wife has moved on from this and I have not. She sees me cry with my head down.. I hope MC tomorrow helps.

 

Hammer her Hefty! She wont know or care unless you share the pain inside you with honesty and clarity.

 

She wants to sweep it under the rug as Dazed's wife did! If you want this to work.... You Cannot Allow That!

[luvmy2ns]

Hi hon. I know you're trying to do what is right for your little girl. Do you want her to grow up thinking mommies do what your wife does? Your little girl will be a mom someday, most likely. Think about it. Think about what is truly best for your little girl. Gather the "ammo" you may need for the future and lock it up at your office for safekeeping. If you and your wife split, you'll want custody, and you'll want the court to have the information they need to make the right decision.

[sderenzi]

The length of time they had this going on is killing me. HELP!

 

This is accurate? It sounds very fishy to me because surely you'd have noticed sooner if it were true. I suggest to you either:

 

1. They are lying to you in an attempt to break up this marriage you have (for their own reasons) or

 

2. This is true and they decieved you for 5 years, sadly this means you never had a marriage and so why are you even getting so upset over it?

 

My advice (which is all encompassing and valid which cannot be disobeyed) is to immediately file for divorce, tell your wife you didn't really have a marriage this whole time and were sorry you bothered her, then calmly think and move somewhere you can live on your own. Eventually find a real wife and live happily, believe me ladies will feel more attracted to you knowing you're divorced and broken.

 

Now that being said think clearly friend, clearly.... 6-5 = 1 year of marriage but not real marriage because she was likely thinking of cheating on you then. This means you have yet to experience a true marriage and will be surprised when you eventually get into one.

 

They were laughing not at you but at eachother, they laughed how naughty it all was and wrong but they loved the risk and passion they felt doing it. This is really not about you but about them and their lack of understanding in themselves, think of the good thing here you brought them together which allowed them to cheat, that's interesting ehh? You are like a magnet and drew two people whom both could have relations with you together, perhaps they are like 2 halves of you joining?

 

Well that's really banter but logic tells us it's time to progress here, progress beyond the marriage facade you have. I know it's difficult but alas to face the truth sometimes is..

[heftysmurf]

It was easy for them because I had absolute trust in both of them. They had plenty of time to be alone. Especially when I was on trips for work etc. Time to play. I work days she nights home all day. Come home late while I am sleeping. I always had a hunch but no evidence. Weird thing is I never had reason to really think like I did. Damn gut always listen to it. Advice to ALWAYS believe in if you are in a relationship situation.

My daughter is the killer. I hate that this hits her so bad. I am not loaded and will barely be able to keep the house. That is why I have not run for the hills and hope we can reconcile.

The thing is I do still love my wife. We had many great times together but f^&K it was not like a one nightstand. How the hell am I suppose to accept this. Systematic, deliberate, mean. I thought you loved me??? In a weird demented I do not understand at all way I know she does. It is not my vision of love. I thought we shared the same vision.

I hope MC helps tomorrow as I need it. I am hopeful but man I need to eat s@#t sandwich to get through this.

I spoke with someone who called it depraved indifference. That is harsh. I have been ruined. No trust in anybody at all. I am scared for life.

[Darth Vader]

Back to not eating. My baby fat is gone. The thing that is killing ne right now is lack of remorse. Sorry does not cut it alone. She is making good steps but she has yet to sympathize with my pain and sorrow. Do WS always do this in the recovery opr am I expecting too much?

 

 

Not to bring up the past, but, you stated that she cheated just feet from your daughter? Did she sleep with OM in your own bed? That's dumping on you, and the marriage if she did!

[Darth Vader]

Hammer her Hefty! She wont know or care unless you share the pain inside you with honesty and clarity.

 

She wants to sweep it under the rug as Dazed's wife did! If you want this to work.... You Cannot Allow That!

 

 

Dazed moved on, so can you! His wife really got a taste of reality, when he dumped her!

[sderenzi]

I've told you the answer

[heftysmurf]

I do not know how to continue. I am trying like hell. I have thought about life apart. I do not like those thoughts. I do want it to work. My daughter being in the middle kills me. The one statement on the board made me think "she chose to do the big life events with me". It was emotional need not love that kept this going.

It is no excuse and not my fault but I know the root causes of the affair. That helps a lot.

 

I do have a few questions for people in recovery.

 

How long till you felt any better even a little? I feel in d-day daze almost constantly.

What steps did you take?

 

What should you expect from the wayward spouse specifically?

What did it take from them to help you heal?

[Ladyjane14]

How long till you felt any better even a little? I feel in d-day daze almost constantly.

What steps did you take?

 

What should you expect from the betrayed spouse specifically?

What did it take from them to help you heal?

 

I still think you're pushing yourself too hard, trying to rush the process. Recovery can take as long as TWO YEARS, and that's with both partners earnestly working toward it. You're looking for resolution in two weeks.

 

You're going to be going through the Five Stages of Grief.. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The marriage you thought you had has died, and you will grieve it. You're going to be alternately rotating through these grief stages for as long as it takes until you've reached full and prolonged acceptance. At that point, you'll be better equipped to move forward with your life, whether it's with your wayward wife or without her.

 

To answer you other question, "what to expect from the WS?"... expect her to have to EARN her way back into the marriage. She should be remorseful and willing to work at repairing the damage.

 

You are NO EASY MEAT, man. Don't forget it. She can't just say... "Oops! Sorry I cheated on you for five sixths of our marriage. Won't happen again."... and expect you to be okay with that. Have you even had any "revenge affair" fantasies yet? Because if you haven't... they're coming.

 

I just don't think you can force yourself to be happy with a defective partner for the rest of your natural life on the basis of shared parenthood. Although I really do understand the temptation, really I do.

 

At the end of the day though, she's either going to prove to you that she's worthy of you or she isn't. And you're not going to feel any better toward her until you've worked through the grief stages, let go of your old relationship, and sized up her potential as a life-long partner anew.

[Darth Vader]

At the end of the day, you know she screwed around on you for 5 years of your marriage, that's more than enough to end it right there. Contact a good lawyer get sole custody of your daughter, so you don't end up paying for her screwing around!

 

Oh, and have you even thought of punching this guy out? Not that you should!

[heftysmurf]

About revenge on him in many ways but I am better than that. I have already had thoughts of revenge affairs and having other women. I hate the thoughts. They are not me. People make it seem as if it is so easy to "kick it to the curb" sometimes. Believe me separating is still in the front of my mind. Hard when kids are involved. I do not want her to have a stepdaddy. My daughter is MINE.

She did ruin me. I am slowly coming out of my shell. I am still so cloudy I do not think straight. Time is what I need but the desire to "fix it" clouds me. I am a doer and lack patience in some ways.

This crap messes you up like you would not believe!

[White Flower]

About revenge on him in many ways but I am better than that. I have already had thoughts of revenge affairs and having other women. I hate the thoughts. They are not me. People make it seem as if it is so easy to "kick it to the curb" sometimes. Believe me separating is still in the front of my mind. Hard when kids are involved. I do not want her to have a stepdaddy. My daughter is MINE.

She did ruin me. I am slowly coming out of my shell. I am still so cloudy I do not think straight. Time is what I need but the desire to "fix it" clouds me. I am a doer and lack patience in some ways.

This crap messes you up like you would not believe!

This is true. My friend who cheated "just for sex" told me that she totally "f***** up" her H and she had no idea it would be that bad. She felt horrible. And now she is doing whatever it takes to make it up to him. Hang in there, Hefty.

[Cobra_X30]

Hard when kids are involved. I do not want her to have a stepdaddy. My daughter is MINE.

She did ruin me. I am slowly coming out of my shell. I am still so cloudy I do not think straight. Time is what I need but the desire to "fix it" clouds me. I am a doer and lack patience in some ways.

This crap messes you up like you would not believe!

 

Hey, you need to take some time and sort yourself out! Break the fog and the addiction that is your W. If you stay... you must stay for the right reasons. I'm sorry to say that your daughter is no reason to slog through a dead marriage! Your doing her no favors if there is no love left!

 

I promise that your daughter will always be yours, no matter what the situation is!

 

This is true. My friend who cheated "just for sex" told me that she totally "f***** up" her H and she had no idea it would be that bad. She felt horrible. And now she is doing whatever it takes to make it up to him. Hang in there, Hefty.

 

I'm confused as to what she expected? Why would you have a friend like that anyway? I assume she is just an old acquaintance!

[sderenzi]

At the end of the day, you know she screwed around on you for 5 years of your marriage, that's more than enough to end it right there.

 

I agree with this statement, he is right

[marazul]

I'm really sorry for you. Be strong.

 

Is that the only thing she does/says "I won't do it again" ? She should pay with tears and sweat for many years to come. She has to mean what she says by making a lot of effort in her life , a lot of work, a lot of sweat.

 

I suppose that you have cut all contact with that friend and hope she did too!

 

I wonder if that makes any difference if the affair lasts 5 years or 5 months, I'm sure it does. I would force her to do a lot of explaining, put her through the same suffering you go through. If you still accept her and she sees it was easy she will do it again in no time. so make it very hard for her.

 

good luck to you

[heftysmurf]

I was trying to but my own pain aside for the sake of the family and my daughter and it has gotten me nowhere. She shows so little remorse for what she has done. Sure she says sorry and it will not happen again but god damn it cry with me. I do not know how much longer I can take this.

[Darth Vader]

That's the problem, cheaters have NO remorse! You can't change her, she has to want to change! This affair is NOT your problem, it's hers, get sole custody of your child, don't waste any time on this loser of a woman! She's not crying, because she doesn't care, she doesn't love you, she never has.

[LifesontheUp]

I was trying to but my own pain aside for the sake of the family and my daughter and it has gotten me nowhere. She shows so little remorse for what she has done. Sure she says sorry and it will not happen again but god damn it cry with me. I do not know how much longer I can take this.

 

Wow that speaks volumes.

 

She sounded like a heartless b***h when you first posted about how long this affair had been going on. But even worse she's showing little remorse and doesn't even feel a thing for you.....she is only paying you lip service

 

If this is how she is continuing to behave you are better off getting her to leave and seeking sole custody of your daughter. Please do not bring your daughter up in such an environment. Your wife is sick and not a role model to your child.

 

I appreciate it is much harder to seperate when kids are involved. My brother and sister and I wish that our parents had made the split years ago when my dad found out about my mums infidelity. As it was they stayed to together for us kids and I can promise you our home life was not a happy one. Yeah you can try and put on a "front" for your kids sake but I can assure you that they will always see through it, just as we did.

[Ladyjane14]

She's probably sorry that she hurt you. You seem like a nice enough guy, so yeah... she probably cares for you, even loves you to whatever degree she's capable of loving other people. But...

 

It's still early days, and just as you haven't fully absorbed the impact of her actions, neither has she. Right now, it's likely that she's mostly sorry she got caught. I think it would take fairly intensive counseling for her to really understand what she's done to you, and the damage she's caused to the relationship.

 

Cheaters have to live within their own skin. And just as her earlier choices made sense to her at the time, she still has to rationalize them enough to prevent self-loathing.

 

Look at it this way, Smurf... She's messed up. How likely is it that the "messed up" person in your couple dynamic is fully equipped to fix the relationship?

 

If you're determined to try and reconcile the marriage, it will be YOU who takes the lead, setting boundaries, requiring counseling, etc.

[ThumbingMyWay]

She's probably sorry that she hurt you. You seem like a nice enough guy, so yeah... she probably cares for you, even loves you to whatever degree she's capable of loving other people. But...

 

It's still early days, and just as you haven't fully absorbed the impact of her actions, neither has she. Right now, it's likely that she's mostly sorry she got caught. I think it would take fairly intensive counseling for her to really understand what she's done to you, and the damage she's caused to the relationship.

 

Cheaters have to live within their own skin. And just as her earlier choices made sense to her at the time, she still has to rationalize them enough to prevent self-loathing.

 

Look at it this way, Smurf... She's messed up. How likely is it that the "messed up" person in your couple dynamic is fully equipped to fix the relationship?

 

If you're determined to try and reconcile the marriage, it will be YOU who takes the lead, setting boundaries, requiring counseling, etc.

 

 

Hefty....listen to LJ she knows here stuff.

 

I know what your feeling and I wish I had more time to respond. it will take ALOT of time to get thru this....reconcile or dirvorce, it will take a while to get BETTER on the inside....there is no qucik fix. You may feel a certain way NOW....but your running on some HUGE emotional chemicals right now....

 

once you get through the 5 stages of grief, which you will do, maybe not in order, but you will go thru them. You will see things clearly in time. Thats all I can say.

 

And to answer some other ?'s

 

My wife didnt show remorse...true remorse, the kind I was looking for until after a year into recovering.

 

if you do this, do it FULL force...you cant reconcile half ass...you need a set of rules, and your NEED to show confidence....I know you need to cry still...but man I am telling ya....take the bull by ther horns and take charge of this situation. wheres Gunny?

 

 

one more thing....IMO...5 out of 6 years...man, if it was me...I would leave.

[heftysmurf]

Your words make a lot of sense. The situation does not