I am so lost

[heftysmurf]

Very hard to control myself today. Just the depth of what was done. The project when I was away on and off for 3 months, the times I slept and he was here, New years when this first happened, the birth of my daughter, my birthdays, Christmas, anniverseries, my birthdays, parties, her birthdays, my daughters birthdays, our vacations, times I was at work, with my daughter sleeping, and on and on.

The depth of this is drilling me right now.

I thought I was a lot better when I released yesterday but wow.

I think she understood a bit last night and today she was upset with me. I am just begging for her to "get it" as I am struggling to hold on to that small candle of hope.

[Cobra_X30]

This is the second such pep talk you've given me, and you know what? I think you're right, I think it's time. I think I hold onto some of this now just because I feel like I should. It's been over 2 years and there's been absolutely nothing that would give me any reason not to trust her.

 

Look Reboot, If you think it's just about trust... you've already lost. Does that makes sense to you?

 

LJ does have a great point. Trust is always a calculated risk, you knew that risk before you got married. Your requirement for trust is the same as then, it's still a gamble.

 

Very hard to control myself today. Just the depth of what was done. The project when I was away on and off for 3 months, the times I slept and he was here, New years when this first happened, the birth of my daughter, my birthdays, Christmas, anniverseries, my birthdays, parties, her birthdays, my daughters birthdays, our vacations, times I was at work, with my daughter sleeping, and on and on.

The depth of this is drilling me right now.

I thought I was a lot better when I released yesterday but wow.

I think she understood a bit last night and today she was upset with me. I am just begging for her to "get it" as I am struggling to hold on to that small candle of hope.

 

Hefty, It's been what... A month? The affair isnt even over yet, your struggles have just begun.

 

What you "think" she understands... and what she does understand are two completely seperate things. She has a lot of practice manipulating your perception. So, grip that candle tightly and try to shield it, for you are in the eye of the hurricane!

[heftysmurf]

Thank you for your insight.

 

Just hitting beyond hard. Focus is really lost. I do not know if I can hold on till she gets it. I just want to run to the hills.

[Darth Vader]

That's the problem, most cheaters don't "get it". At least until it's too late, stop burdening yourself with this woman! I know, easier said than done! I think the worse part is, 5 years of living a Lie! To think, it would still be going on if you didn't find out!

[heftysmurf]

I belive we could have a good relationship even after this. It is just that if she does not get it I am scared as hell to leave my heart on the line like that agin. Look what happened when I did.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Have you confronted the OM and /or told his wife, girlfriend?

 

I mean 5 years of cheatng behind your backs? I mean come on the truth needs to be exposed.

I hope you get through this man, your daughter is paramount.

 

How has your wife addressed all the issues.

[reboot]

hefty,

 

Look, most people here will support whatever decision you make, but you can't keep basing it entirely on your daughter. Do you think it's better for her to have two parents under one roof if one of them is going to fall completely apart on her?

 

At some point you're going to have to reach down and grab your balls. Stay or leave... put 100% into one of the other. I don't mean to be cruel, trust me, I know exactly what you're feeling, but you've got to man up. For yourself and for your daughter. And besides that....

 

Women do not respect weakness.

 

Women say they like a sensitive man, they like a man who can cry. And on an emotional level, they do. But if you can't pick up a stick and drive the wolves away from the cave, they'll find someone who can.

 

Be strong. You wife will respect you for it. Even if you leave.

[brazi]

Hefty,

I have read the posts and I have some experience with this. You may HATE my suggestions, but I will be honest and direct. You deserve that.

 

1. Think about yourself. Buy or download relaxation and self esteem CDs and LISTEN to them with attention. Get you thinking away from this mess for a couple of hours a day, at least.

 

2. Try to figure out if you really loved and love the b*&ch. If you can think of a time or situation when you thought “may be I don’t want to be married to her forever”, than follow that think ink, Analyze it.

 

3. Don’t ever think about why or what she is/was thinking. Don’t look for reasons. Don’t wonder if she loves/loved you. You can barely know what is on your mind, you can never tell what someone really wants, thinks.

 

4. This is the hardest one: TEL HER YOU WANT A DIVORCE !!! Simple as that. Tell her calmly, over the phone and don’t let her argue. Tell her you have been thinking a lot about it and that is your decision. After that for at least 3 weeks, do not talk to her. Do not answer her calls, avoid any type of contact. Go out, force yourself, exercise, start getting shape. If she really wants you, it is time for her to suffer. If not, she will give up on you thinking that you don’t want her and she does not want to try anymore. She may fell a little guilty but that will not last, unless she does not find anybody else. After a few weeks, if she is still looking for you, you may think about talking to her again. Be patient.

 

5. Anyway don’t believe a single word she says. Chances are that the whole situation was a lot worst that what you discovered.

 

Reboot is absolutely right. You have to be a real man. Women say they want sensitive guys but they do not respect them. She did not respect you and unless you change, she will never respect you. She has to fight for you.

[heftysmurf]

I am gaining the strength I need. Thank you so very much. I needed a kick in the behind. Feeling a little more hefty now!

[heftysmurf]

Your pep comments helped me a lot. I feel much stronger between yesterday and today. Mind you complete and utter devastation is one thin membrane behind.

We had a heart to heart yesterday and I felt remorse and some understanding. She spoke to me without the 10 minute pauses. I had her read an item and it hit her. She needs to get over the fun she lost and work on us so it could be more and have more than she ever had. She cried.

I still struggle for me. I do not know if I can be happy ever but am trying. I am working on myself a lot more now and am really appreciating time with my daughter more than ever.

I know I will figure out something that works for me. I feel the moment of enlightment coming real soon.

[White Flower]

hefty,

 

Look, most people here will support whatever decision you make, but you can't keep basing it entirely on your daughter. Do you think it's better for her to have two parents under one roof if one of them is going to fall completely apart on her?

 

At some point you're going to have to reach down and grab your balls. Stay or leave... put 100% into one of the other. I don't mean to be cruel, trust me, I know exactly what you're feeling, but you've got to man up. For yourself and for your daughter. And besides that....

 

Women do not respect weakness.

 

Women say they like a sensitive man, they like a man who can cry. And on an emotional level, they do. But if you can't pick up a stick and drive the wolves away from the cave, they'll find someone who can.

 

Be strong. You wife will respect you for it. Even if you leave.

This is good advice, Reboot. It's all true as well as what brazi said; only, we want them to be balanced. We want them strong and we want them to be sensitive to our needs.

 

It's good to be there for your daughter, Hefty, but the focus right now is on you. Glad you're feeling heftier!

[reboot]

only, we want them to be balanced. We want them strong and we want them to be sensitive to our needs.

And rich, and good looking, and funny, and smart, and hung, and ...

 

We men don't have a chance...

[Cobra_X30]

And rich, and good looking, and funny, and smart, and hung, and ...

 

We men don't have a chance...

 

That is so absolutely true!

 

Luckily most women are too focused on thier own shortcomings to notice ours!

[heftysmurf]

I actually laughed at that thank you.

Had a fight today after she made progress that sucked. Was somewhat my doing. Was making progress.

I still feel stronger thanks to the kind people of LS.

[heftysmurf]

I have learned a lot from this whole horrible experinece, LS, my MC, and myself.

Here is where we stand right now.

Initially she stated she was commited to R and I said I do not know.

I now am now commited to reconciliation and she is holding back a bit that she admits but still wants to reconcile. The reason she holds back is their are no guarantees. Guess what? Marriage is no guarantee. She needs 100%.

She has done some right things so far.

Here idea of reconcilation appears to be forget move on. Mine is to figure out as much about who she is and the difference between her idealized self and her real self and can they meet? That is a big step in avoiding this ever happening again. "Know the demon and purge him instead of simply locking in a room." He is still their than.

She in many ways has let go of what she had I believe.

If I focus too much on the heinous nature of the affair I will lose it but have coped in some ways. I do understand the extent of the betrayl but if I bring that to the forefront I will not be able to continue. It is too much.

I do do it for my daughter at the same time if I am unhappy this does not work.

The daughter angle. I think many may not understand me. In many ways I have been just as responsible for her care as she has. She went to daycare at work with me. I made her meals. I read her books to sleep. I gave her baths. I can honestly say I have missed nothing. I will if I do not try to make me happy with her mother.

I know time is good and I will not be a victim of the old normal homelife where you go back to routine and magically forget.However sitting too long in waiting is slowy rotting me away. How long can I wait? What is reasonable? Any insight is great!

[Cobra_X30]

I have learned a lot from this whole horrible experinece, LS, my MC, and myself.

Here is where we stand right now.

Initially she stated she was commited to R and I said I do not know.

I now am now commited to reconciliation and she is holding back a bit that she admits but still wants to reconcile. The reason she holds back is their are no guarantees. Guess what? Marriage is no guarantee. She needs 100%.

 

I will if I do not try to make me happy with her mother.

I know time is good and I will not be a victim of the old normal homelife where you go back to routine and magically forget.However sitting too long in waiting is slowy rotting me away. How long can I wait? What is reasonable? Any insight is great!

 

 

Ok, Hefty, a few points here!

 

Your wife's affair was passive revenge against you, just as much as it was filling needs you were not providing. This is VERY clear in the way she acts. You must realize that because she did this partly to get revenge, there is a possibility she will blame you for this forever!!!

 

There is nothing you can do but call her out on this and hope she recognized it and changes. You think your dealing with a mountain of unresolved resentment and anger in your wife!

 

She has an idea of what she wants you to be... and she does not trust you will ever be that man! That is what she means when she says she wants 100% guarantee!

 

Focus on her anger and resentment towards you Hefty. Call her out on this!

 

If you need further assistance with this I can explain further!

[White Flower]

That is so absolutely true!

 

Luckily most women are too focused on thier own shortcomings to notice ours!

You're right about that. Do I look fat in these jeans?

[heftysmurf]

I am feeling what you say. It is so hard to read her. I need to make progress. I am eating the biggest s$%t sandwich of my life and if I cannot figure it out I cannot continue. I am seeing about myself and her getting IC as well. I want this to work as crazy as that sounds but day after day is torment. I know she can never repay in full and she has done some nice things. I am looking for super duper remorse and understanding and still not getting what I need. Maybe I am not patient enough but my patience is wearing thin. I want to love her somehow and keep my family together. I am trying not to let the window close.

White flower as long as you are a nice person it doesn't matter to me how you look in the jeans ;-)

[Cobra_X30]

You're right about that. Do I look fat in these jeans?

 

No, you look great! And if you think you dont... come stand over here and look from my angle. Somtimes its all a matter of lighting!

 

 

I am feeling what you say. It is so hard to read her. I need to make progress. I am eating the biggest s$%t sandwich of my life and if I cannot figure it out I cannot continue. I am seeing about myself and her getting IC as well. I want this to work as crazy as that sounds but day after day is torment. I know she can never repay in full and she has done some nice things. I am looking for super duper remorse and understanding and still not getting what I need. Maybe I am not patient enough but my patience is wearing thin. I want to love her somehow and keep my family together. I am trying not to let the window close.

 

Hefty, just ask her... ask her about anger and resentment. Tell her that you feel it from her, and that you want to know why... because it hurts you and you want to fix it.

 

Do that and tell me how she responds.

[White Flower]

No, you look great! And if you think you dont... come stand over here and look from my angle. Somtimes its all a matter of lighting!

 

 

You're too sweet!

 

 

Hefty, just ask her... ask her about anger and resentment. Tell her that you feel it from her, and that you want to know why... because it hurts you and you want to fix it.

 

Do that and tell me how she responds.

I would definitely respond to this approach, Hefty. Cobra, sounds like you've been reading Dr. John Gray...

[heftysmurf]

I am also wondering how has that attitude changed now if it all. You are really helping me. I had an OK time with her yesterday and I feel MC helped because the MC largely agreed that what I was saying was true and in her best interest. I even made the MC cry. And today I was in the dumps. Went to the bookstore and bought How Can I Forgive and After the Affair after some recommendations from the fine people of LS. I am struggling badly today.

[heftysmurf]

She stated it was not revenge and she never hated me. She hated that I spent too much time in other activities.

I do not know how I should feel about this.

[Darth Vader]

She hated that I spent too much time in other activities.

 

 

The same could be said about her!

[In Like Flynn]

I know you stated how long the affair lasted but was is a "Same time next year " type where they see each other every few months or was it a very regular sexual affair. The latter would be much harder and take longer to recover from for both you and your wife.

[Cobra_X30]

She stated it was not revenge and she never hated me. She hated that I spent too much time in other activities.

I do not know how I should feel about this.

 

Hefty... do you see the disconnect in this statement?

 

Do you really believe she can compartmentalize you like that? Yes, she thinks that she can... but it isnt true?

 

Think about it... how can she hate what you do... and not be angry with you as a husband?

 

Does that make sense!