I am so lost

[CrabbyPatty]

Your wife has been screwing another man for almost your entire marriage. You don't even really know her at all. Don't you think a separation is in order?

BTW, how do you know she wasn't cheating with someone else before him?

[CrabbyPatty]

"She states on the sex angle I was not passionate enough."

 

So her solution to finding passion is to perform oral sex on the OM for three years then intercourse for the final two???? WOW!!! Thats passion!!!!

 

I guess she was very passionate at her job of performing sexual favors at his whim.

[White Flower]

She stated it was not revenge and she never hated me. She hated that I spent too much time in other activities.

I do not know how I should feel about this.

I suppose it's like when the preacher says that Jesus hated the sin, but not the sinner?

 

And it's normal not to know how to feel. In time, Hefty, in time.

[heftysmurf]

She really hurt me. The fact that I lasted this long is amazing. How the hell can I accept this? She is trying however. I cannot look in my daughters eyes and say I did not give her a chance. I have a hard time resolving this conflict. I basically told my wife she must find out what is f'd up in her to do something so brutal. If she cannot resolve the core issues in herself that allowed this there is no way I can just continue. It would happen again and than I am hurting my daughter by not standing up for her.

I am playing a waiting game to let her do this but it is hard to wait and I will not wait forever. As crazy as it sounds I do want to get through this and have at least externally a normal life and a normal life for my daughter. Right now my life is anything but normal. At the same time I am permantly messed up. I will carry this scar FOREVER whether I am with her or not.

She must just keep trying! I am. Just keep trying non-stop 24x7 if she wants this. It is our only hope.

[bish]

Your wife has been screwing another man for almost your entire marriage. You don't even really know her at all. Don't you think a separation is in order?

 

separation nothing...divorce is in order here.

[bish]

As crazy as it sounds I do want to get through this and have at least externally a normal life and a normal life for my daughter.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but here it goes.

 

You want a "normal" life? My advice is divorce her and go for custody.

 

There is nothing "normal" about settling living out the rest of your years with a "woman", if you can call her that, that spread her legs for another man during your marriage.

 

Are you willing to settle for a life of constantly, now and then, reliving in your mind what she did to you? I said to myself a resounding, HELL NO!

[heftysmurf]

What is your story? Kids involved? Did you try and give up? Believe me my initial reaction was bolt. The hell with this. She never loved me... etc. etc.

I am trying for my daughter but not willing to stay for my daughter. I do not want to look back twenty years from now and say honey, mommy messed up and I gave up versus mommy messed up and I tried to fix it and did or could not.

How long till you came to a conclusion on what you were going to do?

[brazi]

Hefty,

 

Since you have posted your story here, I think I am allowed to give my opinions. They are somewhat different from most people that have written to you.

 

In order for you to start feeling better you have to make a decision. You have to be a real man. Think about what a man with lots of experience would do. In my opinion you decision should be: Don’t talk to you wife again for a while. Tell her you don’t want to talk to her. Tell her she was wrong; tell her nothing justifies what she has done. Don’t worry about how she will feel about that, don’t worry if she cries. Be a man. Tell her you don’t want her. Tell her you don’t NEED her. It is all true. Ask for a Divorce NOW.

 

That will be extremely painful but you have to make a decision. Don’t prolong it. DO IT!!!

 

She was wrong, she provoked it. You have suffered enough. This is, I believe, the best way out. Be strong and decisive. You will continue to suffer, but things will start to get better. You will see.

[Chrome Barracuda]

What is your story? Kids involved? Did you try and give up? Believe me my initial reaction was bolt. The hell with this. She never loved me... etc. etc.

I am trying for my daughter but not willing to stay for my daughter. I do not want to look back twenty years from now and say honey, mommy messed up and I gave up versus mommy messed up and I tried to fix it and did or could not.

How long till you came to a conclusion on what you were going to do?

 

At the end of the day hefty it's about self respect,

 

Why would any man want to remain married to a woman that has slept with someone else their entire marriage. Even she would understand if you left. You only have one child! Your still young there's other women out here that's gonna be loyal and do you right.

 

Your wife has compartmentaliztion issues. I'd say find a pro marriage councilor and retroville. IF you she does not forge ahead, dump her , get your daughter and move on. Right now your uncertain but when you become solid again. You need to move.

[norajane]

What is your story? Kids involved? Did you try and give up? Believe me my initial reaction was bolt. The hell with this. She never loved me... etc. etc.

I am trying for my daughter but not willing to stay for my daughter. I do not want to look back twenty years from now and say honey, mommy messed up and I gave up versus mommy messed up and I tried to fix it and did or could not.

How long till you came to a conclusion on what you were going to do?

 

Mommy didn't mess up. Mommy GAVE UP the day she started her affair.

[heftysmurf]

In a way I feel like my situations is a bit different in that I am in many ways like another mother to my daughter. She is why I am trying. She went to day care with me. I put her to bed at night. I gave her baths. This is not to say that my wife did nothing she did a lot and that is one good point about her. She is a good mom except for this. If I just leave I lose time with my daughter no matter what. The home situation is good for heer most of the time. She is the only thing I am selfish about. She has been my focus since she was born my world. I know I can have true happiness outside of this relationship. I know I can move on. I am reasonably young. Have an OK job. And I am an HONEST, GOOD person. I will still have my daughter. I also know time away from my daughter is bad. I am not staying in the marriage (or so called) at this point just for my daughter. I am giving it a chance because of her.

I know many think I am nuts for even trying to salvage this and I do need the divorce and seperate opinions. It makes me not gloss over the level of what she has done. Before this happened if somebody said this hypothetically I would say NO WAY IN HELL. Now I am forced to live with the results of what I decide. It is way different.

The thing is as I become more knowing what really she has done I get angry. The scope of it. The fact that her and my best freind lied to my face for YEARS. All those moments I was sleeping at home and they did it. I know it was not love than damn it why did you do it? My wife at this point does not deserve me at all. Ironically she is trying like hell to save us. She know she f*d up in a way that is insane and is trying to make a mends. It is in her power to do this. Right at this point I think and think about how to get through this and am commited to fixing it. She needs to be perfect.

My big concerns are can I ever get over this enough to stay as I will never get over this 100%. I would take a day were I thought about it only once or twice. What changes in me if we stay together? I cannot be an angry mope my whole life. Not good for my daughter.

I wish I knew how I would feel 6 months from now. I could instantly make a decision.

Time.....sucks.

I just do not know how long I can take it.

[JustBreathe]

I can offer you my experience insofar as if you get over it and how long it takes. I am 7 years out and I still think about his infidelity alot. My H cheated alot though. Most of our marriage. 5 years is a long time to deceive you and while my H did it longer, that doesn't mean it hurts any less for you.

 

After a time, if you stay with them, instead of an easy, loving relationship where you trust your spouse would never hurt you and will always be there to see you through the rough spots - it becomes a relationship you have to work to maintain. You know longer take for granted that they love you and have your best interests at heart. It is very very hard work. The hurt goes away somewhat but, at least for me, there are still days when it surfaces and you ache for what your marriage once was. It is never the same again after they have cheated on you. It stays there in the recesses of your mind.

 

For me, the trust never came back completely. The love has changed to something more like deep friendship. My children, for whom I stayed, however, are flourishing. They're in their teens now and they love their dad. He now makes a real effort to be there for them and be a good father. Much better to them than before. They have just blossomed over this as they are boys and need their dad. IT does my heart good to see it, they're so happy and well adjusted. So if you can stay, maybe your daughter will grow and blossom and you will get something back for all your hurt.

 

But let me tell you, it is a very hard place to be. You see other people moving on from bad marriages and finding new people to love, or finding other ways to move on. Hear about how good they feel and how glad they are to have decided to divorce. It's hard not to want that for yourself. I have lost friends who think I have no self respect for staying with him. I have listened to my divorced sisters urging me to do the same thing they did. People don't understand why you stay. It isn't easy. You have to wear an iron skin sometimes.

[heftysmurf]

That is the perspective I was looking for. That clears a lot up in my mind on the future. It does not make my decision too much easier but gave me a key part of the puzzle to consider. In a way I knew what you stated before but to hear it from somebody who has lived it is different. I feel that is the future now in my heart if I stay. I also feel so sad for you as I can tell you miss true love which is all I think anybody wants.

[JustBreathe]

HS.. please remember this is only MY experience. I don't know that it's true for everyone that stays with a cheater spouse. I have heard of stories where people have honestly and truly forgiven and claim to have a better marriage than before the affair. I don't know anyone like that first hand, but I have read those kinds of stories and believe they exist.

 

HS, what you feel right now - the deep devastation and confusion - will change. It gets better as time goes on. You grow stronger and become more dependent on yourself. Whether you stay married or not. But while you're in the throes like you are right now, have compassion for yourself. Treat yourself gently and well. Like you would any other person dealing with a traumatic life-altering situation. Forgive your bad days and your mood swings and be patient with yourself. A time will come when you have a good hour. Then a good day. Then a good week. Then a good month.

 

There's no deadline to get a divorce. You can take your time deciding.

[heftysmurf]

How was the first week, month, and few months out after d-day? How did the wayward one react? How old were the kids? How old were you and him? I am swirling and my wife is too because at points I get angry as hell. I do not know how to cope with feelings constructively. I push her away. I also do not intend to stir you up but you have knowledge I lack. A month ago I could not imagine being where I am at. Thank you so much for your insight. We are struggling. I just look at my daughter and feel like my god... what has been done.

[heftysmurf]

If the are really reconciling or going through the motions? Reason I ask is she has been doing a lot of things right (holding me, doing caring behaviors, asnwering my questions) but I am still scared as hell. How do you know?

It is only a month and a day out and I still doggie paddle in the middle of a pool.

I can make changes i need to make her more happy. We talked and I know what she needs. She seem to want to do them for me and has already done some.

However I stuggle so hard with the depth of what she has done. Can I cope?

Why did she not talk to me?

[Cobra_X30]

Why did she not talk to me?

 

She didnt want to. Why? I'm not sure. Fear, guilt, anger.

 

I dont think your wife has been honest with herself. Can you then expect her to be honest with you?

 

I doubt she knows or understands what motivates her.

 

Make sure she has maintianed no contact!!! Thats the best way to tell if she is just going through the motions.

[heftysmurf]

As far as my snooping has revealed that is true. No contact. That is a deal breaker for sure. She has been having issues dealing with my breakdowns sometimes. I need to relax but it is hard.

[heftysmurf]

The anger is gone. I am just in the super depression stage. I wish she would understand I need her right now. She seams somewhat distant. I am trying like crazy to reconcile with her. I do not know what I should do next? I am being civil and not upset. Maybe a bit quiet as I am sick of asking questions. I am not looking for normal at all at this point. just some help. This depression satge in the 5 stages of grief is a bitch.

[Cobra_X30]

The anger is gone. I am just in the super depression stage. I wish she would understand I need her right now. She seams somewhat distant. I am trying like crazy to reconcile with her. I do not know what I should do next? I am being civil and not upset. Maybe a bit quiet as I am sick of asking questions. I am not looking for normal at all at this point. just some help. This depression satge in the 5 stages of grief is a bitch.

 

If you emotionally withdraw... she will either give you what you need from her... or prove to you that she doesnt love you.

 

Maybe its time to spend some time with friends... new ones!

[stampdaddy]

I can offer you my experience insofar as if you get over it and how long it takes. I am 7 years out and I still think about his infidelity alot. My H cheated alot though. Most of our marriage. 5 years is a long time to deceive you and while my H did it longer, that doesn't mean it hurts any less for you.

 

After a time, if you stay with them, instead of an easy, loving relationship where you trust your spouse would never hurt you and will always be there to see you through the rough spots - it becomes a relationship you have to work to maintain. You know longer take for granted that they love you and have your best interests at heart. It is very very hard work. The hurt goes away somewhat but, at least for me, there are still days when it surfaces and you ache for what your marriage once was. It is never the same again after they have cheated on you. It stays there in the recesses of your mind.

 

For me, the trust never came back completely. The love has changed to something more like deep friendship. My children, for whom I stayed, however, are flourishing. They're in their teens now and they love their dad. He now makes a real effort to be there for them and be a good father. Much better to them than before. They have just blossomed over this as they are boys and need their dad. IT does my heart good to see it, they're so happy and well adjusted. So if you can stay, maybe your daughter will grow and blossom and you will get something back for all your hurt.

 

But let me tell you, it is a very hard place to be. You see other people moving on from bad marriages and finding new people to love, or finding other ways to move on. Hear about how good they feel and how glad they are to have decided to divorce. It's hard not to want that for yourself. I have lost friends who think I have no self respect for staying with him. I have listened to my divorced sisters urging me to do the same thing they did. People don't understand why you stay. It isn't easy. You have to wear an iron skin sometimes.

 

Just a question: What do you see for you and your H after the kids are out of the nest? Just curious.. I'm happy for your children...

[heftysmurf]

Thank you. I am just so depressed right now I cannot think straight at all.

[White Flower]

If the are really reconciling or going through the motions? Reason I ask is she has been doing a lot of things right (holding me, doing caring behaviors, asnwering my questions) but I am still scared as hell. How do you know?

It is only a month and a day out and I still doggie paddle in the middle of a pool.

I can make changes i need to make her more happy. We talked and I know what she needs. She seem to want to do them for me and has already done some.

However I stuggle so hard with the depth of what she has done. Can I cope?

Why did she not talk to me?

Hi Hefty,

 

Sorry you're so depressed. This too will lift.

 

As for why she didn't talk to you before: Sometimes for me it was difficult to voice my needs. I was one of four kids and money was tight so asking for what you wanted was usually pointless. You just got used to it. I don't know where your wife comes from or what her background is, but this could be just one of her issues.

 

My H came from a little more money than I did, and being male in his culture meant being completely spoiled. He always got what he wanted. You can probably see where I'm going with this. Things were unbalanced. I don't think you sound like the spoiled type, though, but it's something to consider.

 

Then I learned pretty early on in the M that if I don't speak up I will never get me needs filled. Problem was, H didn't take me seriously. You don't sound much like my H, but maybe there were built-in communication problems with your W that made her feel she wasn't going to be heard? I'm saying that she may not have been consiously aware that she didn't give you a chance to listen.

 

What you can do now is show her often and in little ways that you are listening. If her shoulders are tense, massage them right away. If she comments that so-and-so's H bought her some flowers for no reason, do the same for her two weeks later. She will be shocked that you not only listened, but remembered it later on. These will be small, but important reinforcements that you do hear and want to hear her. And if she doesn't acknowledge it, then remind her that you are trying to show her you have been listening. Eventually, she will feel safe enough to tell you her biggest fears and deepest desires. But it all starts with the little things.

 

Keep up the good work, Hefty. It's guys like you who make me think even my M could work out somehow.

[heftysmurf]

Starting now.

[reboot]

Does she know what those needs are? We so often make the mistake of assuming our spouse knows what we need. Men and women are so different, and usually we think that our SO needs the same thing we do, and that's usually a bad assumption. Make sure you talk about it. Communication, communication, communication.