I am so lost

[heftysmurf]

We filled out personality questionaires. I know almost exactly what she wants. I was actually suprised at some of my responses. I have been using it as a guidebook. Hopefully she sees this post and does the same.

[White Flower]

We filled out personality questionaires. I know almost exactly what she wants. I was actually suprised at some of my responses. I have been using it as a guidebook. Hopefully she sees this post and does the same.

Have you told her about these posts or are you just hoping she'll happen upon them? I think it would be good for her to know how you're feeling and what others are telling you if for nothing else than for perspective.

 

My counselor told me in our very first session that we (H and me) are completely different types and were probably not meant to be. He also said in another session that he was glad I had an A just so I would know what it's like to be taken seriously and treated as an equal and to know there could be another out there that was made for me. (He also said that the A would go nowhere for those who mistakenly thinks he's condoning the A).

 

So, it's a good thing you took personality tests. You'll be able to understand one another better and to anticipate each other's needs as well. Keep up the work!

[heftysmurf]

I was off my game and got upset. I wish their was a magic way for a cheater to understand what they have done. The betrayal of trust, the vows, the kids, our feelings. To put this in context this period in my life is worse than when my mother died.

 

I look at my daughter and can almost instantly cry.

 

I need my wife to really try to see the light in some way. I am desperate to save us. Do we matter? Does she care? Damn it I CARE!

I am going to try to be the best Heftysmurf I can be and hope she can see what she is on the verge of losing.

I love her and our family but my god the pain is just so great. I need help! I need her to be honest and open with herself and than me. I know this will hurt her but how can I be sure this will not happen again if she is not honest with herself? She needs to try her best to make up for this. I know it will never be repaid in full but f&ck try if you love me.

I never imagined I would have such a long thread on LS in my life. I would like to thank EVERYONE on this thread for their insight and support and giving me a place to talk.

[lunaloki]

hello, this is my first post, heftysmurf. apologies in advance for my stream-of-conciousness writing style!

i can feel your sadness i've recently and often been reading a lot of posts because i have some friends who are in an awful situation...a couple together 11 years, 3 children, wife cheated with co-worker, husband discovered first hand, devastated, then detatched, then got his own lover, now they both have lovers and yet they are still together and never talk about it and act like everything is normal, she's waiting for her lover (also married) to leave his wife (which after 2 years i'm sure it won't happen) so she can leave, and the friend given the choice would take his wife over his lover, so he's sticking around to see what she does, ick it's all so deceptive and there is no communication...and i think about the children and what kind of impact the no-love tension lying parents situation must have on them. they are good parents truly, and they both want the best for their children, i just can't imagine living that way, and i've been reading to try to understand since it's my husband's best friend and he covers for him sometimes. anyways, i read through dazed post too and i admire his and his wife's commitment to save their marriage. it seems like they are both trying their best, but i just don't see your wife trying (from your perspective). though i never have replied to anyone, your story touches my heart, so here goes. i am certainly no expert, just a normal gal. i have always maintained that if my spouse were to cheat, it would be over for me. but i also experienced a relationship where i discovered habitual cheating (physically and emotional) on several occasions and didn't get out for 6 long years. i can't believe i stayed for so long, but i learned a lot of lessons about my limits and though i later was able to be friends with my ex, it took another 2 years to let go of the anger, and even now sometimes it spews out in random ways. it damaged me definitely. but when i read your story and others like them, i do indeed have a lot of respect for those who want to fix it, who love so much that they want to make it right, and if it works, hallelujah! personally though i now know that i would ever be able to trust again, and the hurt would not go away. i understand how bad you want her to love you, but i learned the hard way (in the former relationship before my hubby) that you can't make somebody love you the way you want them to. it may be a goofy expression, but if you love someone, set them free....(you know the rest). i think you should concentrate on you, on doing things that make you feel good about yourself and your daughter, that have nothing to do with your wife. going to counseling together is already a big step, and the fact that you are still there should be enough! i just cant believe somebody could have an affair, and with a friend, for the entire duration (practically!) of a marriage. i can understand after years and years and problems and neglect, needs unmet, etc that an affair can happen, but yours started so early in the relationship. it was all a lie..... i truly think you deserve better... i don't agree with the post that said you should be trying harder and massaging her shoulders, jeez, she should be kissing your a**! i understand you love her, so very much, but you can't make her love you... your daughter will be fine, i'm sure you both love her with all your hearts no matter what happens between the two of you, and many many many folks have recovered from "broken" families. my momma always said that our family put the "fun" in disfunctional haha! and regardless of my childhood and regardless of my crappy relationships before, i am now in a beautiful relationship with a wonderful husband and a darling baby boy. believe in love, follow your heart, don't settle sometimes it's a long and winding road but believe and follow...it will happen for you.

[lunaloki]

i just mentionned "dazed" in my post to you, and speaking of dazed, he just updated, i think you will appreciate reading his new post...

[heftysmurf]

A few things to help me. I joined a gym which has helped and became a bit more sociable at work again.

It is just so hard for me as I always put everybody else 1st. I ran home from work, was always home, and always thought of things to say, do, and buy to make everybody happy.

I ran into a Mother's Day card from 06 that killed me. I wrote "you are the best woman in the world". It killed me. Also the saying I had: "I would marry you all over again". I used that over and over again.

I am a "fixer" and it is hard for me to let go. I did a bit last week and it was hard. Then this weekend I flipped right back. I have a problem.

I love her and maybe I am just hoping my ideal vision of her will make itself known again. I want her to become the person I envisioned. I now understand she needs to want it more than I do. I cannot fix it. She needs to fix it.

I would really like to thank you for your posts as they have helped . Now if I could just find the happy again .

[blindsidedagain]

I see that you are getting as much sleep as I am.

I woke up feeling terrible.

The word that kept popping in my head is scumbag.

We commuted together, so she dropped me off and picked me up daily.

Knowing that she went to work, flirted with him, had lunch sometimes with him, then had sex during lunch, then called him on the way to pick me up.

When we got home, we would prepare dinner.

Then she would urge me for a commitment on whether I was going to a meeting or not.

When I left, often she would drop me off at the meeting, then call him or meet him.

Then I would return 1 1/2 hours later, and she would be out 'shopping'.

She would be dressed, with makup on.

She would say 'how was your meeting'.

If I had known, I could have responded 'fine, how was your **** session with that 53 year old coworker'.

Was it good, better than I could give you?

[blindsidedagain]

Coming from a man who has been betrayed, try to make yourself feel better.

In the last 6 weeks, nothing has done that as much as my trip to the massage palor last night. Although I never would have imagined this before the affair, I will become a regular.

Some may say it is not a healthy approach, but I can tell you, I felt really great.

[heftysmurf]

Some healing going on.

I no longer sleep. I nightmare.

I have all the signs of Post Traumatic Strees Syndrome. I feel so bad now for anybody who has this from anything. I now understand.

I get feelings and visions in my head that I have to fight constantly. I could be sitting around feeling normal and than BOOM. Than I am a mess.

I am still losing a bit of weight.

I still take very little joy from anything except caring for my daughter.

I would love to awaken from my nightmare.

[heftysmurf]

We are seperating. NC was broken. Something I did not want to do. Today is a sad day for me and my family. I do love her still as crazy as it sounds.

I can at this point say I did give an honest effort to resolve this.

Who knows what seperation may bring? Maybe this can still work out maybe not but for now it is what needs to be done.

Thank you all for your help again.

[Cobra_X30]

We are seperating. NC was broken. Something I did not want to do. Today is a sad day for me and my family. I do love her still as crazy as it sounds.

I can at this point say I did give an honest effort to resolve this.

Who knows what seperation may bring? Maybe this can still work out maybe not but for now it is what needs to be done.

Thank you all for your help again.

 

I'm sorry hefty!

 

How did you find out?

 

I suggest you begin talking to a divorce lawyer! If you don't lawyer up quick, you may get blindsided if or when she does.

[heftysmurf]

We can still seperate and maybe come back together. I want to do things correctly for all involved. I love her still. I want a chance to get together again but feel this is a necessary step for us to gain clarity...both of us. I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I do not want a legal mess if at all possible as it cost big money and will harm my daughter more.

[Cobra_X30]

We can still seperate and maybe come back together. I want to do things correctly for all involved. I love her still. I want a chance to get together again but feel this is a necessary step for us to gain clarity...both of us. I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I do not want a legal mess if at all possible as it cost big money and will harm my daughter more.

 

Hmmm... so your just going to "trust" her?

 

I think you need to at least talk to a lawyer ASAP, if you allow her to gain a step on you... it may cost you lots of time with your daughter!

 

Remember she already has another man lined up. Therefore... she has much less invested emotionally in your marriage than you do! It would be alot easier for her to persue a divorce.

[gramsbear]

I want to be you......hopefully one day I will be..You give me hope...

[reboot]

You need to talk to a lawyer. Cobra is right. You don't have to actually file for divorce if you're not ready. But start getting prepared. Listen to us. I'm serious.

[gramsbear]

Ladyjane

 

I want to be you,maybe some day I will be.You give me hope.

[heftysmurf]

This does not get messy. We will lose all our loot and will not be good for our daughter. I know we both love her and want the best for her.

[stampdaddy]

This does not get messy. We will lose all our loot and will not be good for our daughter. I know we both love her and want the best for her.

 

THAT HAS TO BE YOUR #1 FOCUS AT ALL TIMES.. Do NOT get sucked into the "lawyers game", see one, YES, hire one, YES but let them only guide you..

 

My experience with my "level headed" EX was when she came back from meeting with her atty, (we had already worked out the skeleton plans) the Divorce Agreement stated that I would get my children ONCE a month.. WHAT?!?! So here we go, the "game" had begun.. I would then have to go to my Atty, the her to hers, and then me back to mine, etc... EXCEPT, that after about 3 hours of HELL of talking with EX about what was BEST for the children, she started to see the light.. After a night of no sleep for us both, we were able to put it back in it's proper place WITHOUT the Atty fees... JMHO

 

Use a Mediator as well... CHILDREN FIRST! Tatoo it on both of yor brains!

[Cobra_X30]

EXCEPT, that after about 3 hours of HELL of talking with EX about what was BEST for the children, she started to see the light..

 

Yeah, but Hefty's wife is halfway to moving on... and seems more than selfish enough to use the child against him!

 

Besides Stamp... dont you realize that they do that, not with the intention of only giving you 1 day a month... but with the intention of changing your mindset? Its like going to a car dealership... they smack you with a huge price sticker... then your happy when the take a few dollars off.

 

This is not a time to be stupid and place your head in the noose trusting she wont pull the lever!

[stampdaddy]

Yeah, but Hefty's wife is halfway to moving on... and seems more than selfish enough to use the child against him!

 

Besides Stamp... dont you realize that they do that, not with the intention of only giving you 1 day a month... but with the intention of changing your mindset? Its like going to a car dealership... they smack you with a huge price sticker... then your happy when the take a few dollars off.

 

This is not a time to be stupid and place your head in the noose trusting she wont pull the lever!

Well, that is EXACTLY my point.. They present this ridiculous "offer" on the table KNOWING that you'll come back to counter... waste of time, money and respect

[Cobra_X30]

Well, that is EXACTLY my point.. They present this ridiculous "offer" on the table KNOWING that you'll come back to counter... waste of time, money and respect

 

Well, not to pry... but what did you guys settle on? Did you get primary custody?

[heftysmurf]

Should I have expected this? Even though we are seperating I somehow want this to workout. She has issues she needs to work out and I do as a result of all this. I doubt the OM will come to her as he used her like he uses everybody. he never loved her at all. A piece of meat. She was my everything. I wonder if she is too blind to see? Likely yes. If he really loved her and they were destined to be together wouldn't she had dumped me long ago when he said lets make us a couple?

I do not understand a cheaters mind at all. Do the ever de-fog? Is that an impossible wish?

[abeliever]

I just caught up on your thread! Wow. I could feel that pain like it was my own. I have been there. You can hear the desperate wanting to work it out. But if she broke NC then is it really feasable to work things out? Not trying to be negative, take it from a person who went thru 5 affairs with H. Once they start it is a addiction! Not saying if you two seperate and your paths cross again then sure if your up to it give it a try. But man your heart sounds as if it is breaking! Space and time apart just may help you, take your daughter with you. No law says you can't take her. She made the decision to risk her family not you.

 

I hate to say it too, time really does help. Blindsidedagain knows my advice that time will help. When people would say that to me I would cry. (no joke) I really didn't think I could survive "time". It's easier now (somewhat). I am not cured! So know that, but it is better. I can sleep now, eat some. I lost 35 lbs! That was the d-day diet! Not funny though.

 

I usually have something to say, but the pain is in my heart for you. I am praying for you to have some peace. Hoping you can find some knowledge of what you need to do for YOU.

 

Keep in touch. We are here if you need us.

abeliever

[heftysmurf]

Two things. I noticed she signed up for text messaging on the phone. Was checking her phone and saw nothing. Pretended I was sending a text message. Who do you think came up as the last person who was messaged? She told me what he asked him "How do youe feel about me". I say that was truthful but she cannot tell me why. She states she wanted to know?? If she wants me why does she even care? Can she be truthful with me at all. If she would just 100% open she could win me over. Now with this it has become super hard. I do not see anything but seperating at this point. Something I did not want to do.

[abeliever]

Hefty-

 

Cheaters never really know the pain they cause. They are too in to themselves to care!

 

Look, you can do this. Put you and your beautiful daughter first. Worry about what your going to do. I bet you once she sees that your serious she will discover what she really wants. It may or may not be you so be prepared. But at least you will know. That is half the battle.

 

Good luck

abeliever