Author heftysmurf Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 I in an odd way feel the best I have since d-day. Anger pain hidden deep but not effecting me every minute. She made the decision for me despite not the one I wanted. A burden was somewhat lifted. I am ready for her select me or not. I could not say that two weeks ago. Time apart I believe will help both of us. I actually said that we needed to seperate 1 week after d-day and backed down hoping for the best. Darn 20/20 should have did it than. Would be at a farther point now either towards reconcilation or divorce. I thank you again for understanding. I hate the fact we are all here bonded by intense pain. Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Hefty- Hang in there. Sure she made the decision for you. Since she did, you take it and do what is right for you. Hey sometimes their mistakes turns into your blessing. Hang in there, it will get better! abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 She told me what he asked him "How do youe feel about me". I say that was truthful but she cannot tell me why. She states she wanted to know?? If she wants me why does she even care? Can she be truthful with me at all. If she would just 100% open she could win me over. I get the feeling that this has been a trust issue for you. I see this as a respect issue. She has no respect for you... or your marriage... or your family. Respect comes first! Then trust! There comes a time when you must demand respect. You cannot make her provide that respect to you... but you can let her know you respect yourself. Cheaters never really know the pain they cause. They are too in to themselves to care! When the consequences come... they begin to care. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Well, not to pry... but what did you guys settle on? Did you get primary custody? youre OK. Joint both ways, although we don't do the 50/50 thing in regards to where they live. Both didnt feel that that is the "best" thing to do.. But at least it's "on paper" Now EVERYTHING is great for all of us... Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 I in an odd way feel the best I have since d-day. Anger pain hidden deep but not effecting me every minute. She made the decision for me despite not the one I wanted. A burden was somewhat lifted. I am ready for her select me or not. I could not say that two weeks ago. Time apart I believe will help both of us. I actually said that we needed to seperate 1 week after d-day and backed down hoping for the best. Darn 20/20 should have did it than. Would be at a farther point now either towards reconcilation or divorce. I thank you again for understanding. I hate the fact we are all here bonded by intense pain. I think what you may be feeling is a "relief" of at least you know what you are dealing with. You have this big brick of "something" in your lap and YOU have the power to do something with it. YOU can make the choices now. All this time, you have been "waiting" basically for HER. You've had NO answers, now you do.. SO DO NOT slip back into that again, my good man.. TAKE CONTROL. Link to post Share on other sites
virginiagirl Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Coming from a man who has been betrayed, try to make yourself feel better. In the last 6 weeks, nothing has done that as much as my trip to the massage palor last night. Although I never would have imagined this before the affair, I will become a regular. Some may say it is not a healthy approach, but I can tell you, I felt really great. Are you advising him to visit a "massage parlor" for relief. Please tell me you are only talking about legitimate massages here!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 But they are not me. That is the really good part of me that I will never change. I was true to myself and will continue to be. I believe in the end I will be the strongest as the result of all of this. I do not blame Blindsided or anybody for post d-day actions as the hurt is beyond belief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 I understand a lot about cheaters. It is all fun in an affair. They get no responsibilities. No bills, diapers, arguments, chores, or any day to day things. It is a drug. An addiction like heroin. hard habit to break when it feels so good. Deep down you always know it is wrong and that you are not being honest with yourself. Real life unfortunately is not like that. You have responsibilities to your spouse, your children, and your home. These are fact of life. They are not always pleasant but hey, such is life. There is no Camelot with a castle in anybodies life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 It still kills me because of her. She really is my everything. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Ask for primary custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 I wish she would want me like I wanted her. I know I have made the choice to seperate but I will never feel 100% about it. I do love her. I love my daughter. I wish she could become clear. I am suprised it came to this only a bit over a month out. I thought we could have worked together on this longer before this. I think seperation will not end it but it will make it much more dificult to reconcile but perhaps we will both get clear. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I wish she would want me like I wanted her. I know I have made the choice to seperate but I will never feel 100% about it. I do love her. I love my daughter. I wish she could become clear. I am suprised it came to this only a bit over a month out. I thought we could have worked together on this longer before this. I think seperation will not end it but it will make it much more dificult to reconcile but perhaps we will both get clear. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It is almost worse for you now than in the beginning, because you are being forced out of denial and see HER more clearly because of her actions in contacting the OM. You've been saying all along that you've been waiting for her to show you that your marriage matters, that she understands your pain, that she is remorseful and wants to put things back together...but now you see where her head really is. She was with this man for 5 years. She's not capable of just ending it and focusing on you and your daughter. In fact, all these feelings that you have for your wife and not wanting to let her go and somehow miraculously making things work with her...she's having those feelings about the OM she was with for 5 years. She won't tell you so, but that's the case. That's why you can't progress with her - she's nowhere near your mindframe about putting the marriage first - she hasn't put the marriage first in 5 years, and it's not going to happen just because you want it to. I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear. I know it's painful. I know it seems like you have no hope for a happy future. But you do have to accept that she is who she is rather than who you want her to be. Once you accept it, then your path becomes clear, and you will be able to harden your heart a bit so the pain lessens and you do the best thing for yourself. Of course there is your daughter, but in your relationship with your wife, you have to put yourself first because SHE will not. Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Hefty- Tough day again? Man I wish I had the special words that would make it all go away! You hang in there. Life is a journey, this one is yours my friend. So take in the pain and all embrace it all. Take it for what it's worth. I promise you will survive it, although I know all too well at this stage you would rather be shot in the head. I bet you even think that would feel better than what your going thru? Been there done that so I do know. (wish I didn't) I took it by 15 min in the beginning. Sounds silly but it does work. I start at the top of an hour. I say to myself, ok I can surely make it in the next 15 min. So I kept busy with work or whatever you can find to keep busy. Then realize you made it so then ok now you have to get thru the next 15 min and so on. I really had to do it that way. I think I would have gone silly coo coo. But then I found this site, on the day I decided I couldn't take the pain anymore. And this was after IC! So I came on here started pouring my heart out here. Found comfort that people here knew of my pain and offered help. I really do credit many on here for my sanity. I think I could have easily lost it. Then he would have won! So very glad I found this place. So I hope you can take a few minutes at a time and just breathe, try to eat if you can. Walk on your lunch hour. But just know nothing you say will be considered stupid for feeling it or saying here. We all go thru it differently, you are safe with your thoughts here. Hefty you are in my prayers. Hang in there. abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It is almost worse for you now than in the beginning, because you are being forced out of denial and see HER more clearly because of her actions in contacting the OM. You've been saying all along that you've been waiting for her to show you that your marriage matters, that she understands your pain, that she is remorseful and wants to put things back together...but now you see where her head really is. She was with this man for 5 years. She's not capable of just ending it and focusing on you and your daughter. In fact, all these feelings that you have for your wife and not wanting to let her go and somehow miraculously making things work with her...she's having those feelings about the OM she was with for 5 years. She won't tell you so, but that's the case. That's why you can't progress with her - she's nowhere near your mindframe about putting the marriage first - she hasn't put the marriage first in 5 years, and it's not going to happen just because you want it to. I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear. I know it's painful. I know it seems like you have no hope for a happy future. But you do have to accept that she is who she is rather than who you want her to be. Once you accept it, then your path becomes clear, and you will be able to harden your heart a bit so the pain lessens and you do the best thing for yourself. Of course there is your daughter, but in your relationship with your wife, you have to put yourself first because SHE will not. VERY well said, NJ Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 I am maybe rushing this separation? I know in many ways it is the right thing to do but maybe I need more time for her to get over him or see the light. I think I will never be comfortable with any decision. I know LTA's are hard as hell to survive. Any LTA survivors have any input? I am specifically wondering one month in how WS acted and what to expect? I am waiting for something from her but it is hard because I am #2 at this point. If he cuts it off I do not want to feel like the 2nd place prize. I am going to think of me and our daughter 1st her 2nd. I will be nice to my WS and no more angry. See if she is capable of opening up to me. We had something special when we 1st got together. I think it is their and buried under a ton of lies. Seperate question: do seperations sometimes help? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Seperate question: do seperations sometimes help?Personal opinion warning: This is my OPINION, and a lot of people here are going to disagree with me. I think a separation might help YOU, but I don't think it's going to help your marriage. I think it's just going to make it easier for her to continue her A. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I am waiting for something from her but it is hard because I am #2 at this point. If he cuts it off I do not want to feel like the 2nd place prize. I am going to think of me and our daughter 1st her 2nd. I will be nice to my WS and no more angry. See if she is capable of opening up to me. We had something special when we 1st got together. I think it is their and buried under a ton of lies. Dude, I'm sorry, but you NEED to get ANGRY!! You need to stand up for yourself and your daughter. If you have to wait for OM to make a decision to dump your wife so you get to have her, doesn't that really tell you all you need to know about your marriage? Doesn't that tell you all you need to know about your wife's priorities? Take control of YOUR life by making YOUR own decision. Do not wait for a default decision by some other man for what should happen next in YOUR life. Frankly, I think your wife feels secure that you will be there for her. Stand up for yourself, stand firm, and in no uncertain terms, make it clear to her that you do not want HER as she is NOW. Demand the respect that your wife has not shown you in 5 years by standing up for yourself and refusing to accept her behavior and continuing contact with OM, continuing to wonder what HE feels about her. Regardless of what you may have had years ago, what you have NOW is a wife who is pining for another man that she's been in a relationship with under your nose for 5 years. FACE IT instead of burying your anger and being 'nice' to the woman who made choice after choice after choice to betray you. Shake her up, show her she has something to LOSE. That may not get her to stop wishing for the OM, nor may it make her recognize how much she hurt you, but if she sees she has nothing to lose because you aren't going anywhere, then she will very easily slip back into thinking she's 'safe' to do whatever she wants. No consequences = no change. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I agree with norajane. How about instead of separating you hit her with divorce papers? I know divorce isn't what you want, but it might wake her up, and you don't have to go through with it if she does. Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Hefty, Reboot, he is an amazing person listen to him. I have a lot of respect for him. Norajane, she is another good one to listen to. I just wrote on Blindsidedagain, go read it. Yes seperation helps and I just posted what happened with me during my seperation. Go read it and tell me what you think?? Abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 Was it legal or did you just move out? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Was it legal or did you just move out? In MY opionio, IF you seperate, go ahead and make it a legal separation.. Youre one step closer to D and it would show her alot more that "you ain't just whistlin Dixie...." Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Hefty- I filed for D and he was served, then I moved out! (stayed gone 4 months) He still tries daily, but I can tell you that I will not be with him ever again once our home sells. He really thinks I will not go thru with it. Has even said it to my face and laughed! Well the cheater will get his in the end. Not for revenge but for me. The D is at the courthouse he keeps escaping the server with the final paperwork which has stalled the process. Like I told him you "think" you can control this D but you can't no more than you control my love leaving me for you! He feels if he does well long enough I will forgive him. See what I mean it's about them, never about us and our hurt feelings. You have to do this, I promise you will get better. I can't tell you how other than you can focus more on you and YOU are what is most important! abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 I am walking done a scary road. Love hurts worse than any physical pain. Man I really love my wife. Maybe why this hurt so bad I think we both need time apart to see what we are going to miss and to clear our minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heftysmurf Posted December 13, 2007 Author Share Posted December 13, 2007 Does she not realize I am the one? I am hurting bad right now. Hate having to separate. Could she just stop come clean as hell? WTF. This is the time to step up. I guess I must accept no matter how bad I want R she may be lost to me. This sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 13, 2007 Share Posted December 13, 2007 Does she not realize I am the one? I am hurting bad right now. Hate having to separate. Could she just stop come clean as hell? WTF. This is the time to step up. I guess I must accept no matter how bad I want R she may be lost to me. This sucks. Hang in there man... It will ALL be OK..... You WILL BE OK Link to post Share on other sites
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