I am so lost

[stampdaddy]

I am going nuts. I had been good for three days till yesterday. Frig this sucks. I feel like I am 1 week past d-day agin. The crying the stupid desire to have her "get it".

I know it is fact being together is better for my daughter. If she is willing to change as I am and come super truthful I know we have a shot to make it through this.

I just want it now. Full disclosure. Full commitment. She must want it and I realize that.

That is why I labor. The separation could be avoided if she went full bore.

I can be her everything and her mine like we were in the beginning. That was lost and could come back.

I just feel forced in all of this. I want the separation 90% but that 10% is killing me. It could even be avoided if she went full bore.

1) Reinstate our contract

2) Send a NC letter

3) Continue MC

4) Start IC

5) Tell me what she has been doing on her computer lately and not worry about what I think. Tell me how she thinks.

Some may call me foolish after what she has done but I live this life. I live with the choices.

Dropping the past the furture could be so bright.

 

Man I sound desperate now that I look.

 

My love has always been crazy strong for her and our M. It was different than what she had.

 

We could have the same thing.

I'm just a little (maybe alot) further down the road than you, that's all. You WILL get there too.. Yes you DO sound desperate, it's bringing back feelings I had 15 years ago.. The thing that you HAVE TO GET A GRIP ON is that your relationship that you havethis stranglehold on is GONE FOREVER.. You have to recognize this. It is NEVER coming back. BUT, BUT, BUT it does not mean that you can't build a better stronger relationship, married or not. What is it that you are so afraid of? That you won't meet somebody else one day? That was a fear of mine at 26 years old.. I'm 40 now, and the chicks still dig me (hee hee j/k) Are you focused on you losing her to OM? Well, DON'T!! You have to grab some faith man.. You are'nt the first one in your shoes and you won't be the last, and I know that doesnt really help YOU right now.. You have to trust that God will not let you fall.. you WILL be OK. You have to take a step forward, then another, and then another and start down that road...

[LifesontheUp]

Your love seems desperate and needy. She feels this.

 

You need to show her your strength, confidence, and power. When she realizes that you dont Need her... only then will her mental fog clear.

 

This seperation may provide you that chance. Don't blow it!

 

Agree with this.

 

Nothing thats been done so far has worked Hefty. So why not take time away from each other and see what happens. It'll give you some breathing space too.

[heftysmurf]

I think it all goes back to my daughter. She saw us as loving parents. A few days after d-day she said kiss mommy and daddy and I did. She was used to seeing it. She saw our affection. She slept in our bed with us at times. I think I miss most the interaction with us as a family. The trip to the pumpkin patch together on my wifes birthday. Us going to CN tower and my daughter freaking out over the glass floor. I know I can build my own memories with her as well. It was just so nice together.

I know I can find someone else but at this point am in no position to even consider it. I am still wrecked. My wife was what I needed the old one not the new.

I do not know exactly why I think that I hold on so hard. I KNOW I am better than OM. Why do I need to prove it to her? Vindication? Reality?

 

I drew a final line in the sand today. If she does not take it we move to the separation step.

Maybe that will allow everything to set in and her to see? Maybe I will see better as well.

 

I feel my strength coming back

 

Thank you ALL again :-)

[stampdaddy]

I think it all goes back to my daughter. She saw us as loving parents. A few days after d-day she said kiss mommy and daddy and I did. She was used to seeing it. She saw our affection. She slept in our bed with us at times. I think I miss most the interaction with us as a family. The trip to the pumpkin patch together on my wifes birthday. Us going to CN tower and my daughter freaking out over the glass floor. I know I can build my own memories with her as well. It was just so nice together. EVEN IF IT IS A LIE?? sorry, but she'll see this too one day and resent it

I know I can find someone else but at this point am in no position to even consider it. I am still wrecked. Not saying NOW, but it can be a very real, but unwarranted fear

My wife was what I needed the old one not the new.

I do not know exactly why I think that I hold on so hard. I KNOW I am better than OM. Why do I need to prove it to her? YOU DON'T, and YOU CAN'T - at least yet

Vindication? Reality?

 

I drew a final line in the sand today. and repeat after me: "I WILL stick to it, I WILL stick to it, I WILL stick t it!!

If she does not take it we move to the separation step.

Maybe that will allow everything to set in and her to see? Maybe I will see better as well. You BOTH will, and who know's what EITHER of you will see...

I feel my strength coming back Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

 

[heftysmurf]

That is all I can say right now.

[stampdaddy]

That is all I can say right now.

 

Hang in there, You'll be OK YOU WILL

[abeliever]

Hefty- Hang in there keep telling yourself it will get better!

 

Worried about you, keep your chin up!

abeliever

[heftysmurf]

I will stay strong as I can be. I must. I hope I end up as one of the ones that have a stronger marriage because of this but I do not know what the future holds. I must work on myself hard. I must watch out for my daughter the best I can. I will survive the pain! I am still here alive somehow.

[heftysmurf]

Went to MC alone today. I like my MC but it made me sad.

Went to the gym. Did not distract me enough.

My WS wrote a NC letter today. I was not thrilled about it after she already broke NC and refused all week to write one. Why now?

I hung out with my daughter watched Transformers and played. That made me happy

Now I am glad I am posting. I have hit a period of intense sadness after she went to bed. I feel so depressed. It is hitting me hard.

The depth of this, the corrupted memories, the way I was treated and ignored, the way my wife acted, all the things I did for her, our entire marriage (if you can call it that). It is flooding me right now.

Any cheaters reading my thread should realize what they do DESTROYS people. Yes I will rebuild but now I am in the lowest point of my whole life. Nobody deserves this.

[Confused9]

Smurf,

 

I am on page 11 of this thread and trying to read up on what happened. First of all, coming from a broken home...I just want to say your dedication to your daughter is wonderful. I really hope things work out well for you. I know it is a hard time (I am right there with you) but you have our support. Glad you are getting some counseling. It will really help you figure all this out.

 

I am going to continue reading your story and what the others say, but I wanted to post to you and give you my support.

 

Hang in there.

[abeliever]

Hefty,

 

Hello there. Glad to hear you are taking one day at a time. This is a long hard road my friend. But know you will make it! What other choice do you have? Your not going to give up and let your daughter down. That much I know about you. So keep doing what your doing. Go to a book store and sip on a coffee and read some books that interest YOU. It is very relaxing. If you find one to buy great if not then that is ok too.

 

I am praying for you to have peace. I know what you mean by the cheaters statement. It still boggles my mind how a person who has real love in their M will trade it for a cheap thrill only to realize when it is too late that they had what they wanted the whole time.

 

Hang in there. Weekends are the hardest there is no work to distract you from the quietness and your thoughts that keep your from yourself.

 

Abeliever

[heftysmurf]

You are too wise.

Thanks confused as well. You "get it".

I just know separation in right at this point but 2% of me says give it a bit more time. I feel like I am dying everyday a bit more. I wish I could give my WS my brain for just 1 minute. They would collapse.

[stampdaddy]

You are too wise.

Thanks confused as well. You "get it".

I just know separation in right at this point but 2% of me says give it a bit more time. I feel like I am dying everyday a bit more. I wish I could give my WS my brain for just 1 minute. They would collapse.

By 'Separating" you ARE giving that 2%, one more chance, last ditch effort, wake up call, once and for all, you did all you could, now you have answer and can move forward, etc.....

 

You're not filing for Divorce by separating, BUT you are taking a STEP FORWARD, not backwards or idle...

 

Chin up!

[abeliever]

Hefty, you are too kind. It is hard man I know it all too well. You see you feel the real thing for your W. She is not lucky enough to know that. We here all know what you are saying.

 

Unfortunately we all have spouses who don't get that we "truly" love them. Isn't that the most frustrating thing? I mean I would ask why doesn't he see it, feel it, long for it like me? But you know what? We cannot make them, force them to see it. They either get it or they don't. It doesn't help you right now I know that also.

 

But I do know the desperate feeling your hoping she sees. I hope for your sake she does. But prepare yourself for if she doesn't! I didn't and I think that is why I fell so far. I really thought I could get him to see my love for him. He has yet to see that love and frankly I don't think he ever will. Even after we divorce. I have come to the conclusion that if he doesn't I will have to accept that. Not sure if I will handle that one once it is all said and done. Only time will tell.

 

Hang in there Hefty, You are a amazing person, see yourself for what you are.

 

We do here.

Abeliever

[Confused9]

Hefty,

 

I just caught up on the whole thread. I agree with the other posters...give the seperation a try. Even though you may not want it 100% it could benefit you immensely. Continue counseling and working on yourself and your daughter. If your W doesn't put you first and you aren't putting you first then who is taking care of you?

 

You keep stressing how important your daughter is to you adn you want to make this work because it will benefit her but I also think the two of you living seperatly but ammicably will also benefit her. You may never be able to get over what your W has done and that will cause a very hard, uncomfortable living enviroment.

 

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you chose. I can sympathize with you and understand whole heartedly your want to work it out. Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we see it. But, there is always a brighter future ahead. One were you could possibly find a better, stronger love...with your wife or with someone else.

 

I do have a question...regarding best friend and his wife...are they staying together still? Does she know NC was broken?

 

I wish you strength. I wish you courage to move on. I wish you a speedy recovery!!!!

[heftysmurf]

I do not know about OM wife. I have not had much communication with her. Knowing her she will stay due to fear or "losing it all". OM dominates that relationship to the nth degree, but I really do not know if she has changed. He will cheat and treat her like crap for the rest of your life and likely does not believe there is a problem. Have fun.

 

I do not understand what my WW saw in him at all. He is a user. Cares for himself and his mommy. He could care less for his wife and kids or my wife.

 

I think ???? NC is on again as my wife wrote a NC letter.

I just feel like she would chose this a-hole over me and our daughter. I really do not at all understand her thinking. She has not been transperant to me at all.

 

I will not reconcile under the "forget and move on" condition. Nothing is fixed at all. She WILL do it again. I may do it as well. That is not me at all. Also I expect and deserve a lot more than I ever had before in our relationship. I was the laid back guy and she was always one step away from yelling. I cannot deal with that anymore.

 

She must investigate her flaws and reveal her true self to me. COMPLETELY. She must understand a touch of what she has done to me and our daughter and to the best of her ability make up for it. She can never repay in full but I can use what she puts in to repair myself and reach back out to her. I bought the book "How to Forgive" and it has hit me. Cheap forgiveness which is something she wants does nothing.

 

I think if she really tried we could have an awesome marriage. It is in her to be what I need. I do not know if she can do it or will ever do it. How long do I wait? I am dying. If she never "wakes up" things will be much worse if we end it 5 yrs from now than sooner. I cannot take that at all.

 

She keeps mentioning a guarantee. Our MARRIAGE was no guarantee. I know now NOTHING is guaranteed in life at all. All you can do is try your absolute best.

 

I already now what I need to do and am making myself better for me in this or my next relationship.

 

I hope my wife realizes that I gave he a chance because of our daughter. I will not stay with her because of our daughter however. She gave you the chance. The rest is up to you.

 

When I went to MC she hit me something. She has to want to do it. No matter what I do wishing for her to see the light will do nothing. It is similiar to an alcoholic. They never change till they see the light. Also I need to stop being a MC to her myself. MC is right.

 

I know now as well she never understood how much I love her. Even after her horrible actions. 90% people would have already said move on. I love her enough to stand here. Nobody will ever love her the same again. Does she really love me? Now would be a great time to show it.

 

I am basically forced to separation at this point unless something DRAMATIC changes in her like right now. Maybe the only thing that will help her see the light is the separation. I just try so hard as I am afraid after separating for a while I may move on and she will finally be at the point I wish her to be at now. Hopefully we can get on the same page. The sooner the better.

 

Man life sucks! I will survive. Must be STRONG.

 

Thank you all again for the advice. It helps.

[Confused9]

Hang in there hefty.

 

I suggest you continue as you have and take care of you. Your right...she did not put you or your daughter's feelings first and she has been very selfish. You need to remember that nothing you did caused her to cheat. I do believe a relationship takes 2 people to make it work however, there were a lot of chances for your W to tell you something was wrong or missing or whatever...she should have done so without straying to OM.

 

Have you thought about contacting OM's wife. Perhaps, she could be a comfort to you during this time? You are both essentially going through the same thing. Maybe talking to her will help you? Just a thought? I mean...since you were all close you two were friends so maybe it will be useful.

 

I am very sorry for how hurt you are. I wish there was a way to take the pain away from you or to see in to the future to see what it has in store for us BS. Unfortunatley, we just need to keep truckin'.

 

Keep your head up. Everyday that passes is a day closer to your recovery from this.

[heftysmurf]

Talking to OM wife will not help. She is weak and will probably get stomped by him the rest of her life. Their marriage was an accident as he knocked her up and than married her. She loves him but he does not love her. Through talking with communual friends and talking I do not think she "gets it" yet.

Of all 4 people involved in this I am the only one (so far) that has "got it". I have changed already, I have put my life and future in perspective, and I understand that R can only go the way I need it to go. I know the path. If I do not follow this path R will be a failure and I am wasting my time and my life. I also know that if I am unhappy my daughter will know (she already does at 2 years old) and it is unhealthy for this to continue like this for her. My WS need to progress and understand. There is only one path for this to be sucessful and I am on it.

 

I read some of your threads confused9 and I think you "got it" as well. Keep it up!

[Confused9]

Just keep moving forward hefty. I hope his wife sees him for who he really is. Staying with him is probably a mistake if he is the kind of man you say he is and he sounds like he is.

 

I think for you the best thing to do is move on. I mean, work on your relationship, but also move forward with your life. You don't want to put all your eggs in one basket so to speak. You need to make sure you are strong enough to get over it if it doesn't work. You need to prepare yourself for ALL options.

 

How is your WW handling this? Is she communicating? Are you fighting? Is she there for you emotionally?

[heftysmurf]

My WW acts strong and angry with me at the same time. Maybe some indiference? Maybe anger at me? I do not know. That is probably the hard part she does not see the pain I an going through. I can sit and can autocry at any moment. I see a TV show, I look at my daughter and can cry.

She has not opened up to me. I went 4 days at a point no mention of the A and would simply ask "have anything you would like to talk about?". Got little. I know for example she wanted the OM as she contacted him. Something must have changed their as she finally wrote a NC letter. She still has a password on her PC.

I no longer ask specifics. I ask the big ?'s: do you really love me, how bout the OM, what did the relationship do for you? what allowed you to do it in the 1st place? and get the answers "i do not know, because, whatever, etc". These are not answers

She holds me once in a while but have barely heard sorry the last few days.

The way I would like things to go is her instigate talk to me and just hold me. I am hurt at every moment and can use it at all times. A few "sorry I hurt you because ...." would help greatly. A note, a card. I feel like I am the one putting out the Olive branches.

We fight sometimes (maybe once a day every other day) but very often do not.

I am at the point I want to avoid talking about it and see what she does. I really do need to see something.

I have not totally moved past my WW but I am prepared for life without her I hate to say. Something I would never say two months ago. She was my world. I still am not prepared for half time with my daughter. That make me want to cry like crazy

[abeliever]

Hefty-

 

I know what you are saying. It is hard and you do want them to say "something" to make it better, but what would it be? And if they said it would it be taken for what they was trying to get thru for us to understand them?

 

This weekend, my H asked me what could he do? Said you name it and I will do it, I see now what I have done! You know, I had no answer for him. Isn't that sad? He is really hurting and all I could do is say hey I know it hurts but it will pass. Can you believe it? Then said he would do more IC and MC and change his phone number again etc. He already stop using internet and turned it off. (I have a internet card for my laptop) I told him it is too little too late. He just sat there in disbelief. I didn't really know what to say to him. So we sat there for a good 25 min with tears both of us! Not saying a word. He said he will never give up, he will keep the divorce going to give him time to get me to change my mind. Said his reality finally hit him and he didn't think he could live his life without me. Said he doesn't want to find out.

 

So you see even if she comes to you, who is to say it will be enough? You really won't know til it comes to that. So hang in there you sound so much stronger! I am so proud of you. You still have a long hard road to go but I am very confident you can make it.

 

Keep up the good work.

abeliever

[heftysmurf]

For the moment you had. If she cried and said that to me what he said to you I would have the will to go on. I would have 50 things she could do to help me. I do not know if it will be enough but if you want something bad enough you try. I cannot answer that question for my WS or myself for that matter. He said what I have been basically dying to hear from my WS. How far past d-day are you?

[Confused9]

Hefty, I agree with Abeliever...

 

I know you want her but, what is it that you want? Is it what you thought you had before? Well, it is NEVER going to be that and to be honest...you don't want to go back to that. She was lying and cheating on you back when you were 'happy'. You don't want that back. But, she needs to put in more effort. You are the one who was hurt...she needs to bend over backwards and help you through. She has no right to be selfish. You deserve the time and energy she put in to that A to be put in to saving your marriage.

 

If she is not willing to do so then you need to start proceedings. I know how hard, scary, awful it seems to look toward a future with her not in it, but think about what it may be like if she is in it. Will you be able to look at her and believe she loves you? Will you be able to get over her betrayel? If you honestly believe you will, then fabulous...but do you feel this is what your WW wants? Is she in it 100%? If not...you deserve better!!!!

 

Trust me...if my X tried to come back...I would probably let him at first. MY love for him is still so strong, however, I know that what we had is now broken and we could probably never go back. I know we could try but I don't think my faith will ever be restored. That is so sad. But, he hasn't tried to come back and that hurts so much worse. He left me with little to no sadness in him. So...for me...after what he has done and how he has acted our future seems almost impossible. Trust me...this is SO hard to realize but, you sort of have to step out of yourself and view all that's happened. Think of all the possibilities.

 

You will get through this. That's all you need to know. What that means for you and WS is not the most important thing. You and your daughter are! I need you to really think about being with her for the rest of your life. Is it possible to forgive to the point of you BOTH being happy again?

[Confused9]

For the moment you had. If she cried and said that to me what he said to you I would have the will to go on. I would have 50 things she could do to help me. I do not know if it will be enough but if you want something bad enough you try. I cannot answer that question for my WS or myself for that matter. He said what I have been basically dying to hear from my WS. How far past d-day are you?

 

 

Again, I hear you hefty - I want this to...so bad. But, but look at where Abelieve is...don't you think once upon a time she wanted to hear that to? Then he said it and it was still over. The damage is done. You need to work at you. If she wants this...she needs to show you. Perhaps the two of you can set up a time to speak. Even though you want her to come to you and say what you want her to say...maybe she doesn't know what you want to hear?

[heftysmurf]

I want something better. Looking back I was depressed and not as happy as I thought I was. She was always on the verge of angry with me. I suppressed. I am done doing that. I deserve better. I want it all and will give all to her or someone else who will treat me right.

 

I do not know if she tried if it would be good enough but nobody will know till an attempt is made. You helped me understand abeliever confused9. Their is a point where it will be to late. I told my spouse what I fear most about our separation is the fact that she may come around and I will be past the point. The time is now.

 

I am still alive depite the best efforts to kill me off. I have been reborn.