I am so lost

[Confused9]

Hefty think of it this way...

 

if she decides to come back and you ahve moved on it will mean you are on your way to a happier life. She doesn't deserve you, franly speaking. You are a wonderful person and she has ripped you to shreds. My x doesn't deserve me either. Doesn't mean I don't love him or want him back, but it's true. You need to realize that.

 

She needs to try harder and I don't think you should be afraid to tell her that!!!

[jj2007]

To Whomever,

 

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

 

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

 

Joseph

 

This is Joseph's letter from the healing library on SI.

There is A LOT of helpful information and A LOT of caring people going through the same things you are on that site. This letter above helped my H understand where I was coming from. I do wish you and your daughter the best and many hugs because I know what you are going through.

[abeliever]

jj- I have this letter and used it. My H was clueless or chose not to see what the letter represented which was my feelings all in a nut shell. But at least I tried it.

 

Confused- you are so right, I did want to hear those words so many times I dreamed of it. But he is too late. Sad as it is and trust me a part of me wants to engage him. But I do know it would be temporary as it has been over the past few years.

 

Hefty- My d-day has come and gone so many times I really can't count! He has had many A's and I stayed my ultimate d-day came April 07 when I finally filed for a D! Left my house and took my dogs and stayed gone with NC for 4 months other than work. It was what did the trick. Only I had came to a conclusion that I had changed and although I came home due to finances (too hard to pay for two places to live) I came home for other reasons and he was aware. He would make comments that he still thinks I will stay etc. (although now he knows I am serious) Well I won't. There is still something there between us. I can't say it is love but something? But it is not enough for a good marriage. I want that Hefty, to love and to be really loved without the baggage! And to know my H won't cheat no matter how beautiful that other person is.

 

Don't we all just want that? I am looking forward to getting over this and moving on and hopefully one day be blessed with a man who gets me, and who will love me and honor me as I do him.

 

I wish you the same also in due time. I am sure you have a way to go. This is all still hurtful for me too Hefty. As all of us. I suspect the hurt will stay with me for a while as I don't love half way. When I love someone they get all of me. That is why it is taking so long to get over this M and him. But I don't mind at least I can hold my head high and hope for a better future!

 

Abeliever

[heftysmurf]

I have tried some MC. I have said many I think on point things. Some things I said I could tell effected her. She did some great steps in the beginning. I was convinced we were on the way but she has stepped back like crazy. 6 weeks in I feel like week one again. Week 3 we hit a high point. She looks for this magical guarantee. There are none! Now I feel stuck. I told her what I needed. I am just going to see what happens and work on myself and our daughter. Going to see if she steps up and does her part. I have done mine, I have given her a chance. I love her.

 

I just hate the most wonderful thing in the world, my daughter is in the middle of this. The beutiful eyes, the little smiles, her laugh, her cries, her funny ways, the little things she says. She makes me beyond happy. This morning for example she made me super happy. She went to sleep in her bed. I woke up she was in mine holding me. Made me cry for joy. I know I do not lose her if we part but any harm to her is going to hurt and I know it is not my fault.

[Cobra_X30]

I have tried some MC. I have said many I think on point things. Some things I said I could tell effected her. She did some great steps in the beginning. I was convinced we were on the way but she has stepped back like crazy. 6 weeks in I feel like week one again. Week 3 we hit a high point. She looks for this magical guarantee. There are none! Now I feel stuck. I told her what I needed. I am just going to see what happens and work on myself and our daughter. Going to see if she steps up and does her part. I have done mine, I have given her a chance. I love her.

 

Hefty, So the OM's wife... Is she pretty?

 

Oh and have I told you before about respect? It's something you must understand before you can even begin to repair your marriage!

[heftysmurf]

I am not getting much respect. I will have to at this point respect myself. I must!

 

WS is going to IC tomorrow and Saturday. Hopefully it helps.

 

Abeliever I admire your courage. I am the same way. I do not love half-way. I do not know how. It is all or nothing. I think our WS do not know what love really is.

 

I think it is the holidays that are killing me. The realization that this may be our last one together as a family.

[White Flower]

Hefty, So the OM's wife... Is she pretty?

 

Oh and have I told you before about respect? It's something you must understand before you can even begin to repair your marriage!

Cobra, are you trying to be matchmaker again, lol?

 

You're right about respect, though. I mistakenly thought that if I let H have all the control he would appreciate how easy going I was, but the truth is he never really loved that about me. He loved using that against me!

[Confused9]

I agree with whiteflower. My x used that against me to.

 

Lesson learned I guess.

[heftysmurf]

Is where it is at. You must have some respect for yourself.

 

I wonder how some people envision love? I have a vision I tried my best ws. I can do better for her or another which I hopefully do not need.

 

We did so much together: 1st car, house, marriage, child. the list is longer. I love her and these moments.

 

I just wonder if they are appreciated. I love these moments in my life hidden behind the pain I feel now.

 

Enough sad talk. I feel stronger now! I hate this flipping but I will be the best Hefty I can be and will show myself much respect.

[Cobra_X30]

Is where it is at. You must have some respect for yourself.

 

I wonder how some people envision love? I have a vision I tried my best ws. I can do better for her or another which I hopefully do not need.

 

We did so much together: 1st car, house, marriage, child. the list is longer. I love her and these moments.

 

I just wonder if they are appreciated. I love these moments in my life hidden behind the pain I feel now.

 

Enough sad talk. I feel stronger now! I hate this flipping but I will be the best Hefty I can be and will show myself much respect.

 

Real Love cannot exist between two people when there is no respect. You get less respect than Rodney Dangerfield!

[Confused9]

Hefty, until she sees you for what you really are...which is an amazing man...she is not going to 'get it'. She needs to realize what she is losing. She needs to understand you aren't going to take what she has been giving you...you need to show her you know you deserve better.

 

She is going to walk all over you if you show her you are weak and allow her to do so.

 

It just seems like she isn't getting the severity of her actions.

[In Like Flynn]

Have you ever asked your wife..Why she stayed married to you after this started? I have heard of very long term affairs...7/8 or even 12 year affairs but usually in 25-30 year marriages where they stay together for the kids. But your wife started this affair in the first year of your marriage and never stopped becoming the defacto 2nd wife to a man who never was going to leave his wife. Even the birth of a child didn't stop this?

How someone can spend 95 percent of their marriage sleeping with another man is beyond me!! Good luck but this is the most extreme case I have ever heard about. The only way I would even consider reconcilling with her is if I learned she was servely sexually abused in her youth that might have been a factor in this. Otherwise you simply dealing with someone who basically has never loved or even respected you. I mean she did this with your friend and still brought him over to the house basically humilating you without you knowing it. He must have gotten a big ego boost from that.

She would have to completely take the bull by the horns in reconciliation and be willing to be completely transparate, and see professional help or you should walk away from this trainwreck. Just my opinion.

[heftysmurf]

She was abused twice in her youth and her mom ignored her.

I asked her why she even married me and never got a good answer.

I am amazed I even try.

She is going to IC but I do not know how much it will help?

Separation is in our future if it does nothing.

I am rebuilding myself at this point.

I know I am a great person and have a lot of love to give.

[stampdaddy]

She was abused twice in her youth and her mom ignored her.

I asked her why she even married me and never got a good answer.

I am amazed I even try.

She is going to IC but I do not know how much it will help?

Separation is in our future if it does nothing.

I am rebuilding myself at this point.

I know I am a great person and have a lot of love to give.

 

Separation should BE your future.. You can't wait on one or 2 IC's.. what the hell is that gonna do? Change her world, NO!! DO you think she's gonna go in there and come out a different person that she's been for MORE Than 5 years? She just didnt wake up one day 5 years ago and change into the person she is now. TIME FOR HEFTY TO TAKE CHARGE OF HEFTY

[Cobra_X30]

Separation should BE your future.. You can't wait on one or 2 IC's.. what the hell is that gonna do? Change her world, NO!! DO you think she's gonna go in there and come out a different person that she's been for MORE Than 5 years? She just didnt wake up one day 5 years ago and change into the person she is now. TIME FOR HEFTY TO TAKE CHARGE OF HEFTY

 

Stamp... I think your awesome cause despite bieng on the opposite side of the fence... you can empathize with hefty!

 

At the end of the day... we are men.

[heftysmurf]

She messed me up our whole marriage. I doubt she ever loved me.

Does she REALLY realize what she has done to me? Our whole marriage. I never even had a chance. In our own bed. WTF. How does that make me feel. Horrible. that is how.

I do not know what a real marriage is like. 6 years of my life were stolen from me. The memories are all tainted. Thousands of them.

I am dead and can cry if I think just for a second. I am broken.

She was MY WORLD.

I love her and that seems for nothing.

She has been very cold to me. Why? If she even loved me on a person to person level how could she treat me right now like she has.

If she really loves me she I should expect much more of the right thing.

She is the one who royally messed up. Not me.

I sat here and begged and pleaded for help and have gotten little. I need more.

She did finally do a nice thing today. I need to keep seeing it for any chance at this.

 

In my mind I have figured out a lot of what I need to do:

 

Take care of and respect myself.

I will not get revenge or cheat. That is not the real me. I am better than that.

Worry about my daughter and give her all the love in the world.

Stop worrying about what she does. She will do as she pleases.

I am sick of spying. Christ she still has a password on her computer and I do not even care.

Stop trying so hard. She will come to me if she wants me.

I have given her a chance it is up to her to take it.

 

Live one day at a time.

 

 

Part of me wishes for my daughter sake she would really try. Try harder than she has at anything her whole life. It is better for her if we are together. I know that. Does she?

[LifesontheUp]

Hefty, you know that I think its time to seperate FOR YOU and I've thought this for a while now.

 

Go back and read your posts from the last few days. Things you have said like she didn't give you a good reason why she married you, she's cold, the secrecy still (password) should tell you that she isn't working at repairing the damage she has done.

 

I don't know what your wifes problems are, but from everything you have posted it points to her STILL having a lack of respect for you and I think that its time for you to get out and give yourself a break from it. Don't do it in the hope that she will come to her senses, as that may or may not happen. You cannot go on like this, its like a slow death, hoping that she'll be good enough to throw you some crumbs here and there. Do it for you and your daughter.

[AynRand]

She messed me up our whole marriage. I doubt she ever loved me.

Does she REALLY realize what she has done to me? No, she does not care how it affects you.

 

Our whole marriage. I never even had a chance. In our own bed. WTF. How does that make me feel. Horrible. that is how.

I do not know what a real marriage is like. 6 years of my life were stolen from me. The memories are all tainted. Thousands of them.

I am dead and can cry if I think just for a second. I am broken.

She was MY WORLD.

I love her and that seems for nothing.

She has been very cold to me. Why? If she even loved me on a person to person level how could she treat me right now like she has. She does not love you.

 

If she really loves me she I should expect much more of the right thing.

She is the one who royally messed up. Not me. She's angry she got caught.

 

I sat here and begged and pleaded for help and have gotten little. I need more. Take your life into your own hands. I'm not sure why you'd want her back after realizing her potential for harm, but whining and being needy are not going be what gets her back.

 

She did finally do a nice thing today. I need to keep seeing it for any chance at this. Crumbs.

 

In my mind I have figured out a lot of what I need to do:

 

Take care of and respect myself.

I will not get revenge or cheat. That is not the real me. I am better than that.

Worry about my daughter and give her all the love in the world.

Stop worrying about what she does. She will do as she pleases.

I am sick of spying. Christ she still has a password on her computer and I do not even care. Why spy? You already know what she did and what she still wants.

 

Stop trying so hard. She will come to me if she wants me. Let go. If things are to work out, you have to give up on any dream you might have had. If you are to start over, you lay the rules down, you enforce the rules, you establish consequences, and you follow through when they are not met. She will never respect you if you do not. She knows you are wishy washy.

 

I have given her a chance it is up to her to take it. No chances. She knows where you are and what you want. She's choosing to dismiss you out of hand.

 

Live one day at a time.

Part of establishing ground rules and consequences is that you absolutely follow through. It's imperative. That way, you know what you will not stand for and refuse to take anything less. It will generate a feeling of peace inside you when you do this.

 

Part of me wishes for my daughter sake she would really try. Try harder than she has at anything her whole life. It is better for her if we are together. I know that. Does she? No, she does not care.

She's reading you like a book. She has the power. She knows you'll always be there. Take away her security and do something for yourself and your daughter. Plot your own future.

 

I've highlighted some thoughts above.

 

Sorry to be harsh Hefty, but until you pull it together and set your own course without her, you are absolutely spinning your wheels.

 

Look at it from a different perspective. It doesn't matter how much YOU love or care for someone. If they do not love you, it's all for not. If you do not love someone, you don't care if you're hurting them. How do you treat people you do not love and that you disrespect? How does she treat you?

[heftysmurf]

You are right. Respect is killing me. I need some. I am human.

 

She has been reading this thread and think she gets mad. In the end honey it helps me think and vent that is all.

 

I like the advice but do not necessarily do anything you guys and gals say. My best friend who know have said get out. I must live my life and deal with the results. The next choices I make may determine the rest of my life. That is why I try so hard.

 

I do appreciate A LOT different points of view as it allows me to analyze everything. Keep doing it. Thank you. LS has been a friend in my greatest time of need.

 

In the end it goes back to d-day one rants. I desire for us to reconcile for our daughter. She is my eveything. It is better for her if we are together. It must be on the proper terms or nothing is going to get better in our relationship and it will fail later like it is now.

[Cobra_X30]

She messed me up our whole marriage. I doubt she ever loved me.

 

I do not know what a real marriage is like. 6 years of my life were stolen from me. The memories are all tainted. Thousands of them.

 

She was MY WORLD.

I love her and that seems for nothing.

She has been very cold to me. Why? If she even loved me on a person to person level how could she treat me right now like she has.

 

I sat here and begged and pleaded for help and have gotten little. I need more.

 

In my mind I have figured out a lot of what I need to do:

 

Take care of and respect myself.

I will not get revenge or cheat. That is not the real me. I am better than that.

Worry about my daughter and give her all the love in the world.

Stop worrying about what she does. She will do as she pleases.

I am sick of spying. Christ she still has a password on her computer and I do not even care.

Stop trying so hard. She will come to me if she wants me.

I have given her a chance it is up to her to take it.

 

Live one day at a time.

 

Hefty, I'm glad we are talking about respect now and not love. At this point you do not need your wifes love. You need her to respect you!

 

She may have loved you once... but I doubt she ever respected you... and in the end that will kill any love.

 

She is a low person Hefty, she only respects strength. When you beg for her... it turns her away. Don't you see? You show her how weak you are! You need to show her strength.

 

Make her give you that password. Do it today! You dont have to spy, but you do have to have access to everything she has.... everything.

 

Get some space. It's time you seperated.

[bish]

I asked her why she even married me and never got a good answer.

 

Well that says it all as far as I'm concerned. The answer should have been...because she loved you. Since you didn't get that answer, she must not. I don't care if she says she does....its clear she doesn't.

 

Can I ask how old you are? No matter what the age, you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life out with someone like this.

 

 

I am amazed I even try.

 

So am I...but I'm not going to best you for your choice to do so. I have tried as well when i found out about my own wife...but in the short year that followed...I decided she wasn't worth it.

 

 

She is going to IC but I do not know how much it will help?

Separation is in our future if it does nothing.

 

Honestly...it should be in your future anyway after the things I have read here. I don't know why you put up with it...but I feel for you man.

 

I am rebuilding myself at this point.

I know I am a great person and have a lot of love to give.

 

Good for you!!! thats the attitude to have. I'm sure you have loads to offer a decent woman...your wife doesn't deserve it at all.

 

have you really given any thought to just divorcing her?

[heftysmurf]

She did say she loved me. I was just looking for why she loved me. Maybe that is enough and in many ways it is. I know she loves me despite what she did. I love her and love her now.

I know it is crazy to put myself through this but I do really love her.

I fear the future if we do not change in meaningful ways.

I know this is only 6 weeks out but man it has been hard.

I am 34 and have been with her a total of 13 years. We waited to get married. I was scared I had not grown up enough. I was ready and wanted it more than anything when we did it.

I am sick of being weak. I am not weak. I am strong.

I will be stronger from here on out and that is all I can do. I will kick myself in the ass now and survive!

[Confused9]

hefty, you said she reads your posts and gets angry? What makes her angry about them? Why is she reading them?

[LifesontheUp]

 

I like the advice but do not necessarily do anything you guys and gals say. My best friend who know have said get out. I must live my life and deal with the results. The next choices I make may determine the rest of my life. That is why I try so hard.

 

So is Mrs Hefty trying hard like you are? What work is she putting in to make this work? Has she even bothered to read any books or anything to try and understand what she needs to do to put this right?

 

Has she listened to what you need her to do and made 110% effort to do it?

 

Does Mrs Hefty deep down want to fix this?

 

Yes you are trying hard but it would seem that your wife isn't.

[ThumbingMyWay]

The more I read this thread....the more I get angry. Honestly, if i was in your shoes...I would walk away and never look back. Your 34 and you have ALOT of very good years ahead of you.

 

5 out of 6 years of marriage she was bangin some other guy......makes me wonder what took place during the first part of the 13 years together.

 

You gave her a chance...and then she breaks NC.....you moved to seperation...GOOD....keep going.

 

if she truly wanted to save this marriage...she would be doing 1000% of the work....not wondering what the OM realy thought....

 

I will tell you what he thought.....FREE CAKE.....

 

 

I hate to see a marriage breakup...I realy do....but man....5 out of 6 years....Hefty....you have been duped....

 

pick yourself up....brush off the dirt...and move on...

 

 

this is what you need to concentrate on in order....

 

YOU

DAUGHTER

EVERYTHING ELSE

 

 

You say your are strong....well then stand up man...tell W and the world, you will no longer be walked on....this is a huge chance to make things right in you....for you.