I am so lost

[Confused9]

I completely agree with TMW!!! Concentrate on you. Let her do the work if she doesn't want to...HER loss!!!!!

[abeliever]

Hefty-

 

Well I must say I am seeing a very different person changing before my eyes! You are making baby steps, I am so glad to see that. If Mrs. Hefty is reading these posts and she STILL is NOT doing what is right??? Then Hefty you must move on!!!

 

How can a person man or women not read these posts any of our posts not see the hurt, despair, pain, anquish, sheer torture of each of our souls and not be moved to "do the right thing"!!! She simply does NOT love you and in no way does she LOVE you either! Just saying IMO.

 

You have to do one day at a time and respect yourself. Glad to hear about you not wigging out about password on her computer. I just checked ou phone bill again this month, started seeing some same numbers creep up when I went out of town. I wasn't going to check it and didn't then I just said what the hell. I looked and started to get so nervous my body just started shaking again and my nerves flaired! I said to myself is this what you want? Is this love or respect??? So I stopped and haven't went back nor will I again.

 

The truth is he will always be this way. And just like you said even if I wanted him to change it wouldn't make a difference. The damage is done. My heart is BROKEN. No phone bill, will change that.

 

I am so glad to hear you are at least moving forward some. That is all it takes one baby step at a time.

 

Like someone said (not sure who) YOU ARE A GREAT CATCH! Tell her she is too blind to see it.

 

Abeliever

[abeliever]

Hefty-

 

Well I must say I am seeing a very different person changing before my eyes! You are making baby steps, I am so glad to see that. If Mrs. Hefty is reading these posts and she STILL is NOT doing what is right??? Then Hefty you must move on!!!

 

How can a person man or women not read these posts any of our posts not see the hurt, despair, pain, anquish, sheer torture of each of our souls and not be moved to "do the right thing"!!! She simply does NOT love you and in no way does she LOVE you either! Just saying IMO.

 

You have to do one day at a time and respect yourself. Glad to hear about you not wigging out about password on her computer. I just checked ou phone bill again this month, started seeing some same numbers creep up when I went out of town. I wasn't going to check it and didn't then I just said what the hell. I looked and started to get so nervous my body just started shaking again and my nerves flaired! I said to myself is this what you want? Is this love or respect??? So I stopped and haven't went back nor will I again.

 

The truth is he will always be this way. And just like you said even if I wanted him to change it wouldn't make a difference. The damage is done. My heart is BROKEN. No phone bill, will change that.

 

I am so glad to hear you are at least moving forward some. That is all it takes one baby step at a time.

 

Like someone said (not sure who) YOU ARE A GREAT CATCH! Tell her she is too blind to see it.

 

Abeliever

[Confused9]

Abeliever...

 

sorry about the new phone calls. It's amazing...they just keep digging that hole deeper and breaking our hearts much more than I thought was possible.

 

Keep your head up.

 

You, like Hefty, are a good catch and deserve someone who will give you the world...their world.

[stampdaddy]

Hefty, my man..

 

Look at what page number we are on now.. page 24.. How many more do we need to get to that you can go back and read about what you MUST DO for YOU, YOUR DAUGHTER and maybe, just maybe (and it should NOT , repeat NOT be for W) to start fresh and with your chin up?? We will come woth you to page 1,000 if needed, but YOU have to take care of YOU and your D RIGHT FREAKING NOW...

 

*** and dont you dare try to "act" strong.. You have to BE strong..

 

***I used to have a towel rack in my shower, an everyday, in the morning when I was taking my shower, I would pray, for help keeping my chin up, above that towel bar as I went through my day, help me keep my eyes open to everything in front of me that I might miss if my chin was below that bar and my eyes were looking down... CHIN UP my friend!!

[Confused9]

 

 

***I used to have a towel rack in my shower, an everyday, in the morning when I was taking my shower, I would pray, for help keeping my chin up, above that towel bar as I went through my day, help me keep my eyes open to everything in front of me that I might miss if my chin was below that bar and my eyes were looking down... CHIN UP my friend!![/quote]

 

 

This is an amazing amazing message stamp! He's right Hefty, you need to BE strong for you and your daughter. Your wife may never 'get it' h*ll she may be too far past gone. That's not for you to worry about anymore. You need to worry about you and moving on. I know you want to believe she wants to change and she can change...but for now go with what you know and that is that you can change and you can be strong and you can build a wonderful life for you and your daughter.

 

CHIN UP!

[eskimojoe]

Hefty -

 

You wondered in an earlier post what the other side's view is, so here goes.

 

Here's my "other side". My marriage of 8 years is coming to an end because of my bad choices. I didn't have an affair with my neighbour, but my wife are separating partly because I chose to go to a hooker a few times in our 3rd year. I stopped because I realized wasn't my style (I've never been back), but I was unable to stop looking at porn. I know this sounds totally different from your WW and the OM, but the pain you're describing is about the same amount of pain and anguish my DW felt knowing I was choosing images over her for about five years running. She's had a gutful, was near suicidal and she's going.

 

To her, it doesn't matter that I've had IC, and found a program and managed to go the last two years without looking at porn. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. I've used up my chances. She refuses to let her two daughters see what happens when a woman just lays down to abuse. She still loves me and cares, but she's had enough.

 

I think you should GET OUT of that relationship. Like reboot says, Man Up and tell her it's over. She is the way she is. I'll say that again. She is the way she is. All her past issues with her mom need to be thrashed out in IC and MC. If she has habitually chosen to avoid conflict with you by running to another (abusive) man, she needs to understand it's not a good coping mechanism. Any change is not going to happen in a few weeks or even a few months. She needs to be in this in the long haul for HER own sake. She's gotta own it, not you. You didn't cause it. You can't control it and you can't cure it. Worry about your own stuff and getting the best for your daughter. The WS isn't going to change unless she has some real reasons to change herself. If you're leaving, it's the ONLY way she'll come to her senses. It may take her years to figure out herself and R might be possible then. But it isn't going to happen if you just lay down and take it. She's gotta grow up and you need to stop getting in the way.

 

I agree with your statement about a happy dad is a better dad. It's a sh*thouse situation. But the question for you is are you going to be happier constantly wondering if she's going to stray again or are you going to be happier in control of your own life.

 

For me, there are three things I need to keep reminding myself if I'm going to have any chance of R with my wife. I would suggest the same applies for your WW. (came from a book, can't remember title)

1. She needs to be willing to hold the pain. She needs to never forgot the horrific pain and damage she has caused. Kinda like a shark bite to the stomach, but without the blood. If you bring it up again or have a vent at her, she just needs to grit her teeth and take it. No excuses. She trivializes it if she does.
   
2. She needs to be willing to understand why she did what she did and work on it. This is a long term process that may take many years and will probably continue even if you reconcile.
   
3. She needs to be willing to earn your trust. No words. Just actions. How does she cope with stress? Does she go to you to have open conversations about What Is Going On? There are all kinds of ways and it's just about breakfast in bed, cuddles and soft words.

From what I've read so far, she's not there yet.

 

It's not surprising she's trying like crazy to save the marriage, but if she breaks NC again, she's not serious. That is the only conclusion you can make.

 

In a way I feel like my situations is a bit different in that I am in many ways like another mother to my daughter.

 

In 2006, I spent a year on parental leave with our newly born second daughter and 3 y.o. daughter. My wife went back to work full-time and I stayed at home and ran the whole house. I did a pretty good job, if I say so myself. I know my DW felt a little threatened and jealous of the time I had with the new baby even though she agreed to it. Maybe that's something you need to talk to your WW about. Does she see you as replacing her? It may have something to do with her mother ignoring her. Dunno. I'm not a psychologist. It may not be the only thing.

 

I read somewhere that the word "da da" is easier to say than the word 'mum' for babies. The funny thing that happened with my younger daughter is that she started calling me 'da da' at first and then reverted to calling me mummy pretty much all the time. She catches herself now, but it irks my wife. My theory is that kids associate the sound "mum" with the activities and relationship and not the gender. You may do mum things (feeding, changing, bathing), but that doesn't detract from the fact that you're a dad (roughhousing, treasure hunts, sports). Dads as a gender do different things with daughters. It's great you're so involved, but remember you're a dad, not a mum.

 

I do not understand a cheaters mind at all. Do the ever de-fog? Is that an impossible wish?

 

I only defogg-ed when I gave up the anger and resentment and judgemental attitudes I had against my parents, my past and God. It's only just recently that happened. Unfortunately, it happened after DW decided to separate. Too late to stop this now. It might help with R. That's just my story.

 

I may not be your last Xmas as a FAMILY.. To HER, your Daughter, you all will ALWAYS BE A FAMILY.. Do NOT FORGET THAT

 

My DW have figured out a way to stay in relationship with each other for the girls. I agree with Stampdaddy. You'll always be a family, just a little bit "distributed".

 

She was abused twice in her youth and her mom ignored her.

I asked her why she even married me and never got a good answer.

I am amazed I even try.

She is going to IC but I do not know how much it will help?

Separation is in our future if it does nothing.

I am rebuilding myself at this point.

I know I am a great person and have a lot of love to give.

 

Love yourself first. Then you can give from strength, not compulsion or obligation.

 

I have recently realised that men learn primarily via pain. I don't know why. It just seems to be that way. You're doing very well.

 

Good luck.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree hefty, you deserve so much more than what this woman is giving you!

 

You have your whole life ahead of you!

 

Why waste it with a woman who cant make up her mind, isnt remorseful, doesnt care and plus wants to be with someone else. All she was was had your kid, she is not wifey material!

 

I think you could find another woman that will treat you way better afterwards.

 

Believe me alot of women find single commanding fathers extremely sexy!

 

You wont have to wait long to find someone else.

 

But you wont have a complete relationship with another woman without working on yourself first.

 

Forget her and do you.

[heftysmurf]

I have changed and my chin is up now. I must keep it up!

Underneath my chin is a pain that has touched my soul. I could use her help with it. It hurts more than any pain I have ever had. I must control it, understand it, and deal with it. Use it to make me stronger.

 

I have accepted a lot of facts about our realtionship. Hard pill to swallow but I swallowed it.

 

I have already made positive changes in my life and will continue.

 

Kids being in the middle totally sucks. They did nothing! They are innocent.

 

Despite my desire to make this work I now know it is not on me. It is on her. I have tried and still hold a candle of hope. I do not know when/if she will change for the better or keep trying. I would hope she would put 1000% into us. She needs to have an awakening NOW. Time is ticking ... the separation is near. What that brings 6 months from now I do not know. Maybe the awakening or maybe the true end?

 

I could have never imagained 2 months ago I would be at this point. I thought we were happy.

 

eskimojoe - I like the three points. Did she ever give you a chance?

 

Thank you to the LS community for you support in my greatest time of need. It is more than appreciated.

[heftysmurf]

Norajane you are so insightful. A quote:

 

"She was with this man for 5 years. She's not capable of just ending it and focusing on you and your daughter. In fact, all these feelings that you have for your wife and not wanting to let her go and somehow miraculously making things work with her...she's having those feelings about the OM she was with for 5 years. She won't tell you so, but that's the case. That's why you can't progress with her - she's nowhere near your mindframe about putting the marriage first - she hasn't put the marriage first in 5 years, and it's not going to happen just because you want it to."

 

That truth hurts like hell. But that is the issue. The contact last week when she asked him "How do you feel about me" sunk in when reading that from norajane. OM never cared for her. She is blind. Nothing I can do can change that except say she is in danger of losing me and than she has nothing. Her choice. I cannot wait forever to be the default 2nd choice. I am prime select A1!

 

I am moving on with or without her.

 

I will live everyday to the fullest for me.

 

I am building and am stronger everyday.

[Confused9]

[quote=heftysmurf;1455968

I am moving on with or without her.

 

I will live everyday to the fullest for me.

 

I am building and am stronger everyday.

 

Hefty...when you are having a bad day...please please please please read these 2 sentences you just wrote. They will give you strength in a time of weakness. We are our own worst enemies. Controlling our hearts and minds is hard...but we need to do it. In order to move on and become whole again.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Norajane you are so insightful. A quote:

 

"She was with this man for 5 years. She's not capable of just ending it and focusing on you and your daughter. In fact, all these feelings that you have for your wife and not wanting to let her go and somehow miraculously making things work with her...she's having those feelings about the OM she was with for 5 years. She won't tell you so, but that's the case. That's why you can't progress with her - she's nowhere near your mindframe about putting the marriage first - she hasn't put the marriage first in 5 years, and it's not going to happen just because you want it to."

 

That truth hurts like hell. But that is the issue. The contact last week when she asked him "How do you feel about me" sunk in when reading that from norajane. OM never cared for her. She is blind. Nothing I can do can change that except say she is in danger of losing me and than she has nothing. Her choice. I cannot wait forever to be the default 2nd choice. I am prime select A1!

 

I am moving on with or without her.

 

I will live everyday to the fullest for me.

 

I am building and am stronger everyday.

 

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

There' you go hefty your finally getting the hang of it. Your finally learning to accept the situation and make decisions hat will lead you to a better future.

 

But for me I couldnt take her along for the ride. She wouldve hurt me too much!

 

Gad to finally seen you get that moment of clarity.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Norajane you are so insightful. A quote:

 

"She was with this man for 5 years. She's not capable of just ending it and focusing on you and your daughter. In fact, all these feelings that you have for your wife and not wanting to let her go and somehow miraculously making things work with her...she's having those feelings about the OM she was with for 5 years. She won't tell you so, but that's the case. That's why you can't progress with her - she's nowhere near your mindframe about putting the marriage first - she hasn't put the marriage first in 5 years, and it's not going to happen just because you want it to."

 

 

Norajane has some very valid points here. As I think back to when my wife confessed to me, I remember...

 

her telling me she loved the OM

her wishing she could have closure....ask him how he really felt....

 

Norajane is right....she cant forget about the OM overnight...it will take time....lots of time. Took my wife a good year to get completely out of the fog. The OM still occupied her thoughts for that long....hurt like hell to know...but I stuck it out in hopes she would come around...and she did and things are much better than I could ever imagine now.

 

But my wife did make the effort imeadiatley....she didnt take 6 weeks to decide....she may have been undecided on the inside still, but she put forth the effort regardless.

 

Hefty, maybe its time that you give yourself a timeframe, not her. Say to yourself, I will do the work, I will do my part to make things right. If she follows suit, good for both of ya. if she lags and falters, then when you hit the end of your time frame....then leave....at least you know YOU tried.

 

I remember telling my wife that I would give it one year, and if I didnt feel she was doing her part, I would leave her.

 

By saying that, and her hearing me say it, I think it cleared up her fog faster than if i didnt say it. Knowing that if she didnt get on board, she was going to lose everything.

 

Your wife doesnt understand the magitude of her actions yet....she needs to know the consequences....and when she does....shes either going to break down and give up or wake up and be truely remorsefull. There is no halfway, its one or the other..

[Cobra_X30]

Norajane is right....she cant forget about the OM overnight...it will take time....lots of time. Took my wife a good year to get completely out of the fog. The OM still occupied her thoughts for that long....hurt like hell to know...but I stuck it out in hopes she would come around...and she did and things are much better than I could ever imagine now.

 

But my wife did make the effort imeadiatley....she didnt take 6 weeks to decide....she may have been undecided on the inside still, but she put forth the effort regardless.

 

Hefty, maybe its time that you give yourself a timeframe, not her. Say to yourself, I will do the work, I will do my part to make things right. If she follows suit, good for both of ya. if she lags and falters, then when you hit the end of your time frame....then leave....at least you know YOU tried.

 

Your wife doesnt understand the magitude of her actions yet....she needs to know the consequences....and when she does....shes either going to break down and give up or wake up and be truely remorsefull. There is no halfway, its one or the other..

 

Thumbing, I greatly respect what you have gone through and what you have done. I personally do not think this is the path for hefty to take.

 

I see no reason to spend a year on what-ifs. This marriage was broken right out of the gate... Do you see the difference there?

 

Giving this woman another year of his life is simply a bad idea. He needs to get strong first! Then and only then should he begin to even think about fixing the marriage.

 

He is an addict. He has been trying desperately to MAKE her love him, and it has had the opposite effect. If he provided a timeframe... I doubt it would be believable to her.

 

Emotionally cuff her upside the head first. Deal with her from a position of strength... of personal power. Then perhaps the marriage has a shot!

 

Leave her Hefty! It will force her to choose. When she does not have you to fill the gaps... it will force her to see the OM for what he truly is!

[heftysmurf]

I think thumbingmyway you helped big time:

 

 

"But my wife did make the effort immediatly....she didn't take 6 weeks to decide....she may have been undecided on the inside still, but she put forth the effort regardless."

 

Basically how she feels about OM is moot. I know he will never leave his situation for my wife. My WW does not realize it.

 

If she does not at least try and go through the motions she will lose me as well. Weather she wants the OM or not she has to at least try. In the beginning I would say she did. Now their is little. Please at least try or I am lost FOREVER.

 

I feel so much stronger now. I know exactly what is going on and what I must do.

[eskimojoe]

eskimojoe - I like the three points. Did she ever give you a chance?

 

Hefty,

 

Did she ever give me a chance? *sigh* Now that's an interesting question. Seeing as I tried my damndest for two years and came very, very close to what she wanted. She decided that it wasn't good enough. I slipped once after two years and her fear kicked in. We're separating.

 

She might think she gave me a chance. I don't agree.

 

Awww...sh*t, this hurts just typing it.

 

Look, you gotta make the best decision you can for yourself. Personally, I think you've been ripped off. My DW would probably tell you the same thing. Take the hard stand now and leave her in God's hands. You'll still have some kind of relationship through your daughter. If she makes real changes after a while, you won't know entirely be able to understand why, but if you left it to God, then He probably had something to do with it.

 

My two cents.

 

Peace brother.

 

Esky.

[LifesontheUp]

Basically how she feels about OM is moot. I know he will never leave his situation for my wife. My WW does not realize it.

 

If she does not at least try and go through the motions she will lose me as well. Weather she wants the OM or not she has to at least try. In the beginning I would say she did. Now their is little. Please at least try or I am lost FOREVER.

 

I feel so much stronger now. I know exactly what is going on and what I must do.

 

Hefty I honestly admire you for sticking at this in the hope that your wife will "wise up" and start showing you that she wants this to work. BUT from all that you've posted it looks like she is still in the fog....which isn't surprising after all the years she's been in the affair.

 

I think she's "complacent" too in the knowledge that after all this, you are not going to leave her. She doesn't deep down believe that you are on your way out.

 

So what's going to wake her up? Possibly you getting your stuff together and taking time out for yourself.

 

Lets face it, nothing you are doing or have done has made a difference to her so far. Your wife still thinks the OM will leave his wife?

 

So knock her off the fence Hefty. Get your stuff and move out. Do it for yourself first. If she falls on your side of the fence, well you both can work at putting it right. If she doesn't well she wasn't worth it in the first place and you'll be better off without her in the long run.

[heftysmurf]

Actually we have a plan to seperate at the beginning of the new year. She is going to move out. She is OK with it. It gets us way closer to end of the marriage. I am dead serious on it. I have no fear. I have moved on from my sham of a marriage and her and want more. I am ready with or without her. This is the strongest I have been since this started. I feel so much better. This is not to say I am not ruined on the inside. She still has a small window to sway me. It is shrinking daily. It will close at a point. I had her read these posts and told her basically your inaction is making you loose choice. You must do something or I am off the table. I am ready to move on. I am over my addiction to her and my relentless trying. It is up to her. This is the end of my desperation.

 

She must get over the A. It is not the OM. It is the feel good effect of the affair.

 

I made a plan

 

Stage 1

 

WS - her

 

Show effort wether you are sure or not about us. You lose me through inaction.

Answer questions

No more secrets

Honesty regardless of how I will feel.

Let me know where you are and what you are doing at all times.

Do a unique caring behavior a day or more.

Say you are sorry daily.

Write a bad list about OM and what you will lose if you contact him. Read it everytime you consider contact and do not.

Understand you will have a hole form the affair and that I cannot fill right now. Deal with it. It will hurt.

 

BS - me

 

Must try to control anger and sadness as much as possible for now

Maintain my new positive changes.

Must give you the opportunity to change

Must be willing to receive your efforts.

Must support home.

Must remain on the surface normal.

Must wait for your withdrawal from affair.

Show strength.

 

Stage 2 will not begin till withdrawl from affair occurs. This must happen ASAP.

 

Stage 2

 

WS

 

Show remore and understanding of how bad it is what you did. This will not occur until WS is over affair. They are inversly related. This is what I have been waiting for but it impossible to expect initially. She will "get it" if she can get over the affair and be where I wanted her on day 1.

 

Understand what in you allowed you to have the affair and what you can do to prevent another one.

 

Learn source of anger and control it.

 

BS

 

Start to forgive.

Begin baby steps in trust.

Look more towards the future.

Allow my emotions to flow again. let out the repressed sadness and allow you to soothe me.

Provide more of what you were missing in our relationship. Fill the void of the affair and she must understand it will not be 100% of everything. That is impossible. It will be very very good however.

 

Stage 3

 

Live the better marriage that we could have had all along.

 

The two things we most want cannot happen till we get through this messy stage 1. Remorse and forgiveness.

 

Time is ticking ..... fast.

 

I am still hurt like hell but OK with separation and divorce if our marriage does not survive. I would prefer together especially with our daughter involved but you cannot always get what you want. I will live and be better either way.

 

After 6+ weeks of hell I am at the best point I have been at. I am strong now. I understand. I have escaped my fog. I get it.

 

Thank you all!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Kick ass!!!!

 

Now you got the reigns of the situation.

 

I bet a few months after her moving out and you find someone else, she'll start sniffing around!!!

 

Tell her:

 

I'll come back in 6 years okay! lol.

[heftysmurf]

If she can start the plan right now 12-20-07 we can avoid separating. If not I am ready to start the New Year apart. Very last chance to avoid it. I mean it.

 

I want us together. I love her. It is now up to her. I know what I need to do.

 

It greatly hurts our chances for R if we do move apart. Window closes much more after that. It may shut FOREVER. It is shutting more everyday. All will be lost. Our nice family life, me being their when you need me, my love, all of it. It is all about actions now. Step up or move out of the way. Heftysmurf is rolling through! I am stronger than ever. I have a new life.

[ThumbingMyWay]

thats the way to MAN-UP hefty. Keep it going.

 

The only way to get a fence sitting cake eater off the fence is to take away one of the grass lawns.

 

 

Her window is closing fast....if she doesnt have an "ah-ha" moment right quick....she could lose everything....

 

you will move on and become a much better person for all of this. You will gain alot of strength to carry on to your next relationship....and the lady who will get you will be the luckiest person in the world.

 

She will lose you....and the OM....she will wallow in the mire for awhile, till she has her "ah-ha" moment....but it will be too late. She will NOT have the skills and strenght that you will have. She will live with this guilt and a very long time....and she will struggle.

 

If she thinks it will be roses....she has another thing coming. She will see you moving on and doing great things...being happy and having fun....

 

At this point she will realize what she has done....and what she took advantage of and lost....but it will be too late....she may try to come back to you....

 

and then you will have a choice...the choice will be yours weather or not you want her back.....

[Cobra_X30]

Stage 1

 

WS - her

 

Show effort wether you are sure or not about us. You lose me through inaction.

Answer questions

No more secrets

Honesty regardless of how I will feel.

Let me know where you are and what you are doing at all times.

Do a unique caring behavior a day or more.

Say you are sorry daily.

Write a bad list about OM and what you will lose if you contact him. Read it everytime you consider contact and do not.

Understand you will have a hole form the affair and that I cannot fill right now. Deal with it. It will hurt.

 

BS - me

 

Must try to control anger and sadness as much as possible for now

Maintain my new positive changes.

Must give you the opportunity to change

Must be willing to receive your efforts.

Must support home.

Must remain on the surface normal.

Must wait for your withdrawal from affair.

Show strength.

 

OMG Hefty! Reading this nearly brings a tear to my eye!

 

You have worked so hard, suffered so long, come so far!

 

I really hope this forum has helped you to feel better. Not just later, but right now, right bloody now.

[eskimojoe]

WS - her

 

Show effort wether you are sure or not about us. You lose me through inaction.

Answer questions

No more secrets

Honesty regardless of how I will feel.

Let me know where you are and what you are doing at all times.

Do a unique caring behavior a day or more.

Say you are sorry daily.

Write a bad list about OM and what you will lose if you contact him. Read it everytime you consider contact and do not.

Understand you will have a hole form the affair and that I cannot fill right now. Deal with it. It will hurt.

 

Wow, well done!

 

Anyway, just a comment, your note of "Honesty regardless of how I will feel" strikes me as important. I didn't get that kind of explicit permission in our discussion. I know I was hampered by fear of telling her where I was really at and that has left me in a situation where she now thinks I'm deceitful because I didn't tell her outright. In the end, I didn't tell her and she had to squeeze it out of me. That permission might help, but I wouldn't highlight it to her. She needs to figure that one out all by herself or else it's not real for her.

 

my two cents

[heftysmurf]

Hope you all had a better holiday than me and thanks again for your support. My daughter made my Christmas and she had a good one.

Two months out from this and I fell stronger. I have learned a lot about myself and a bit about my wife.

I have personally had a transformation and feel on my way to rebuilding my life. I am clear on many things and have lost a lot of bad habits. I just get cloaked sometimes in very intense sadness that I have a hard time controlling.

I wish I had more control. I loved her so much.

I learned that my wifes biggest problem is communication. This is not about the "how did you day go?" stuff but the bigger stuff.

I wish she would just open up so we can avoid the separtion and rebuild something. That is our biggest problem. I see no other choice unless she talks to me more. I am looking for any advice on how how should handle myself and talking with her.

Thanks again.

[BetrayedMM]

Jeez, I wish I had some advice... but I'm in the same situation... in fact worse. I can't say I've made any progress at all with my wife. As far as progress with myself- I have given up on her. At this point, I'm convinced she will do it again, given the chance. She has done nothing at all to convince me otherwise, no remorse at all, just sorry she was caught, and sorry I was hurt. She still won't come clean, won't even come close to talking about it. That's not remorse at all, only an indication that she'll be even sneakier in the future.

 

She will not get that chance, not as a married woman. Soon she will be 'free' to fool around with whoever she chooses, except me.

 

There is no such thing as 'legal' separation in this state, and besides, I ain't playin' that game... she doesn't get to go bang other guys and stay half married to me. No way. I do not and will not accept nor condone her behavior, not even by half measures.

 

I'm sorry I can't be of help... I wish you luck!