I am so lost

[heftysmurf]

Your last d-day? Do you have kids involved? How low you been married?

I think sometimes remorse is a bitch. I got a little but I feel I may be waiting for something I may not get. I have also not been the most pleasant to be around but damn I am trying like a champ! I hate the sadness periods I go through. I cannot control them at points. I am taking meds but to marginal effect at best. I know everything cannot be a 24 hour therapy session but I just want a something.

I have been reading "Happiness Now" and it has helped me and is helping me understand her.

Whether we stay together or divorce I would kill for one long real talk. I know you would too.

Anybody have a bottle opener?

[Confused9]

Hefty, I think you said it best when you said... I got a little but I feel I may be waiting for something I may not get. I don't think you can bank on ever having that long conversation with her. Not yet anyway. I wish I could have that too but I just don't think right now our WS are willing or able to give that to us.

 

I had a therapy session today and she told me to make my own closure. So...that is what I am going to do. I am going to write him a letter and then I am going to write a response letter back to myself from him. It may not be his words but she said it might help me a little. To be honest it sounds silly, but at this point I will do ANYTHING to help myself move on.

 

I am never going to get the answers I needs from him. I probably will never even get an apology...but I NEED to move on!

 

I have been so depressed. I can't fall asleep for the life of me. On my days off I sleep till late in the afternoon and I dream of him with OW all the time. Hopefully this is the beginning of the end for me. I can't do this much longer.

 

I wish you both (hefty and BetrayedMM) strenght in working towards your closure. I know how hard it is to not get any remorse. It blows. Let's hope for a brighter 08'!!!

[underpants]

Hefty,

 

I am just so sorry.

 

In a way I admire your commitment to your marriage. However, with a betrayl that goes on that long and involves a supposed trusted friend. Well, I just don't know how you get past that.

 

I read alot of the responses and I think a trial seperation might actually be a good idea. You daughter is taking this all in and your example will be the type of man she considers later. Don't let cheating be so easily forgiven.

 

I also agreed with the quiet collection of evidence of her infidelity and storing in someplace in case you need to prove things later. If you can you might even want to hire a PI to ensure she is honestly done with this other dude.

 

Have you consulted an attorney to get some legal advice?

 

Even if you divorce and take some time apart you can always remarry later if you TWO can come together and want to give it another go.

 

I wish you the best. Be smart.

[heftysmurf]

I spoke to a lawyer initially. We have come to an agreement on most everything if we do separate and or divorce.

I think you are right as well. I need closure. I feel like talking to friends, my counselor, reading, LS, and meds have not brought me closure.

Another point is what was done to me was exceptionally harsh. Everybody I talk to says "damn if that was me....I would have gave up". I think that is why I am so damn depressed. My memories for years are tainted. Their is some good in them and a lot of second guessing. I have been given no respect. I did so much for my WW too. I saved her from her horrible home environment and compared to her sisters she is on top of the world. Why wasn't a loving man enough?

I think in many ways separation is in the cards. I fear that that may be the end however. Could it also be a new beginning. It is a BIG step.

This situation is not healthy for all involved to live like this. I think even if I find my closure I will be hurt for many years to come. I will wear this scar for life.

Man I just kill for the talk. That would lift some clouds.

Just the most innocent in this is my daughter. She will be hurt by this no matter what happens. My WW hurt her. That is probably the most hurtful aspect of this. Why did she not stop when she was born? That one KILLS ME. I know it is not my fault or my daughters fault but when she says "Mommy kiss Daddy" it hits me in the part of the heart I have left. I could not tell her I did not try.

Edited December 29, 2007 by heftysmurf

[heftysmurf]

This would work out. I am willing and able. Will she? I pray for our daughter she will. I am here ..... waiting....hoping....loving part of what we had....wanting so much more. Will she take this journey with me? It is up to her.

 

The story continues....

[StillSame]

Have you found out for sure through DNA testing that she is your biological daughter and not the OM's daughter?

[heftysmurf]

That has probably been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life was the DNA test. I cannot believe I had to do that. I could not imagine what would have happened to me had she not been mine. I would have been with a daughter that I loved that I had no legal rights with. I do not like to even imagine what that would have did to me.

 

Anybody considering it is was much cheaper than I imagined a little over hundred dollars. Several online companies offer it. If you have any doubt do it. Worth every penny.

[heftysmurf]

My wife is stuck in that I am not a happy camper all the time. She is looking for happiness elsewhere. Loooking back to her affair and her ex best friend. Just so hard for me to be happy with this. I cannot be expected to accept this.

 

Can she see through it and remember how good I can make her feel?

 

I feel as if at points my healing is a road I take alone.

 

I expected a lot of what has happened post d-day now that I understand a lot about WS in general. I would love to see a page turned. A real commitment on her part to moving on. I am ready for the next chapter of life.

 

We had a good real conversation last night. First one we had in a while. I thank her for that.

 

I was curious ThumbingMyWay what happened after your d-day? How was your spouse in the first few months after d-day?

 

I am going to try to have a great day for the first time in a while today. I hope you all have the same.

[BetrayedMM]

Your last d-day? Do you have kids involved? How low you been married?

I think sometimes remorse is a bitch. I got a little but I feel I may be waiting for something I may not get. I have also not been the most pleasant to be around but damn I am trying like a champ! I hate the sadness periods I go through. I cannot control them at points. I am taking meds but to marginal effect at best. I know everything cannot be a 24 hour therapy session but I just want a something.

I have been reading "Happiness Now" and it has helped me and is helping me understand her.

Whether we stay together or divorce I would kill for one long real talk. I know you would too.

Anybody have a bottle opener?

 

My last d-day was Oct 27. Yes, we have kids. Married 18 years.

 

Yes, I would kill for that one real long talk, but I know it ain't gonna happen. Especially since she canceled the last 3 MC sessions.

 

Meds- no. None for me, I don't want any. I can't even manage to get drunk, just don't feel like it. I SHOULD feel like it, but I just can't get enthusiastic behind any booze.

 

Lately, I just feel hard, vindictive, full of hate. The sadness comes and goes, but the disgust and anger are constant.

[heftysmurf]

Today is a new year and I am very sad. I hate being like this. I feel so out of control. I hope that everyone has a better start than I do.

[White Flower]

Today is a new year and I am very sad. I hate being like this. I feel so out of control. I hope that everyone has a better start than I do.

Hefty,

It seems you have experienced a wave of emotions which I'm sure is to be expected, but yours appear extreme and have gone on quite a while. Have you spoken to a doctor about meds? I may be wrong, but it might help you through this especially with regard to long-term decisions.

 

Good luck and happy new year.

[heftysmurf]

Thanks for your concern White Flower. I am glad you care!

 

I have been taking St Johns Wort and it has helped. I fear all the side effects of prescribed AD's.

 

I in some ways was strong most the day. I did well at work and actually had better interactions with my coworkers.

I just put my daughter to bed. I had a great time coloring and playing with her.

I started to look at the initial emails that my wife wrote and I was getting the remorse and things I was looking for. I had so much anger and hate I was in no position to accept any of it. The sting hurt so bad. An example of what she wrote:

 

"This is all my fault and I am aware of that. I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to you. You are not to blame yourself as for you did nothing wrong. This is my wrong doing and I accept that I fd up. I need to prove to you that I do love you and you can trust me again and we can make this work.

You are the best thing that has ever and that will ever happen to me and I do not want to loose that."

 

 

I was in so much pain when she wrote this and many other things I just kept dishing out the punishment. Now that I am past that point I would like more of this and am getting some but not like when it first happened. She has a hard time communicating verbally in many ways. I believe I contributed to her violation of NC as I was an a$$. She still should not have done it. If she could just understand how hurt I am. She was my everything for 13 years. I looked into her eyes and never wanted anybody else.

 

This New Year I am going to try to be patient despite my pain and see where it leads. I am not clear enough to come to a conclusion just yet. That point is coming soon though. I just needed to get past the holidays to erase the blur that causes. I must continue to get better. I sure could use some help.

 

I am stronger and must be for my daughter and myself.

 

I still have this veil of sadness. I am crying a bit as a write this. I would love to be held and cry for an hour or two. No words just spill it all out. I could use a release. The pain is so intense.

[norajane]

I was in so much pain when she wrote this and many other things I just kept dishing out the punishment. Now that I am past that point I would like more of this and am getting some but not like when it first happened. She has a hard time communicating verbally in many ways. I believe I contributed to her violation of NC as I was an a$$. She still should not have done it. If she could just understand how hurt I am.

 

I really, really hope you soon get past the point of blaming yourself for your wife's actions.

 

Think of it this way: ever seen a snake eat a rat or possum? What happens? The animal is swallowed whole and then there's this huge, visible bulge that deforms the snake as the rat SLOWLY makes it's way through the snake's digestive system and gets smaller and smaller as the meat is digested and the crap is excreted.

 

Your wife served you up a huge rat to gulp down all at once. Actually, she fattened it up for 5 years and then shoved it down your throat herself. If she got upset that you were having trouble digesting it and were taking too long to work through it, and went off to start feeding another rat again, what does that tell you about your wife?

 

It should tell you that her words in that letter were mere words, and not a commitment to 'prove to you that I do love you and you can trust me again and we can make this work'. If she really wanted to prove that to you, she wouldn't have gone off after a few weeks of 'work' to ask the MM how he felt about her.

 

Get a grip and realize that your wife isn't up to doing any hard work if it's hard for HER. She's all about YOU doing the hard work, but she'd rather be off doing someone else.

 

I am sooo sorry to be so harsh (and for the graphic snake swallowing description). I know you are deeply hurt, and you deeply wish to put your life and your marriage back together.

 

But you have got to stop fantasizing about what you wish would happen and face the reality of what is happening - and you have got to STOP BLAMING YOURSELF for what your wife chooses to do NOW. You don't have any more 'control' over her choices now than you did for the past 5 years she carried on this affair! SHE is the one making these choices, she is the one who can't handle the hard work, and she is the one who is running away - AGAIN - to another man instead of facing the mess she made.

[Confused9]

I agree with NoraJane and I am sure she is going to laugh when I say this, but your wifes affair and her breaking NC with OM is NOT your fault. She made these decisions while not even thinking about you or what they would do to your relationship. She wasn't thinking of you at all.

 

Unfortunately, she isn't willing to work as hard as you wish she would. What you need to figure out is how long are you going to let her have control of your life and your destiny?

 

Your priorities right now are you and your daughter...that's it (I mean along with work, etc.) Your wife and what she's doing and thinking should not be your first thought...YOU need to be. No one is going to think of you first, except you.

 

Wow NoraJane...you must be proud of me!!! If only I would take my own advice, right?

[norajane]

I agree with NoraJane and I am sure she is going to laugh when I say this, but your wifes affair and her breaking NC with OM is NOT your fault. She made these decisions while not even thinking about you or what they would do to your relationship. She wasn't thinking of you at all.

 

Unfortunately, she isn't willing to work as hard as you wish she would. What you need to figure out is how long are you going to let her have control of your life and your destiny?

 

Your priorities right now are you and your daughter...that's it (I mean along with work, etc.) Your wife and what she's doing and thinking should not be your first thought...YOU need to be. No one is going to think of you first, except you.

 

Wow NoraJane...you must be proud of me!!! If only I would take my own advice, right?

 

You've come such a long way - yes take your own advice!!

[Confused9]

You've come such a long way - yes take your own advice

 

I owe a lot of that to you!

 

You've been great.

 

It's so much easier to give advice than take it. I am working on in though.

[norajane]

It's so much easier to give advice than take it.

 

Yes, it is much easier. It does, however, help you to gain perspective on your own problems...

[Chrome Barracuda]

So heft, are you done man?

 

Are you ready to focus on things just pertaining to you?

 

Are you ready for the inevitability that she may never come back?

 

If I was you I'd be handing her divorce papers for the new year, but that's just me. lol.

[heftysmurf]

I needed you and probably need more 2x4's to the head. It is so hard to think clearly when I am so wounded and have my angel to think about. I will focus on what I need for my daughter and myself. I am hoping for a new beginning for me and my daughter. Thank you. Keep the common sense comming. I am cloudy as hell as I am in it. Thanks again.

[underpants]

*grabs 2x4*

 

Hefty,

 

If she was unfaithful for that long then I really have to doubt that this was a genuine marriage. Also, I have to doubt that it can be morphed into one. This is how she has been for nearly the entire duration of your time together. You can't fix her.

 

Are you two still living together?

Does this other man's wife know about the affair?

 

I think you need to move from the sad stage and a little into the 'productive anger' stage.

 

Get smurfy.

[heftysmurf]

It was special before. We smiled laughed did everything together. Things I think changed when we started working at other places (the time the affair started) and grew further apart after we had our child. We avoided daycare by working oposite shifts. We did not spend nearly enough time together. I spent a lot of time with friends as well. I belive that was a result of her treating me so poorly.

We are living together and actually had some good times in the last few weeks.

It is her continued contact with the OM that is ruining it. She will not let go of him. I know he is done with her. Does not seem to matter to her however. I just do not understand at all. Wish I did.

Our reconcilation started out good in a way. I was the angry sad one and she poored on some sugar. Then at a point 3 weeks in she gave up and stopped caring about making me happy just as she has for a long time. Old habbits die hard I guess. Sucks to know you are not worth the effort.

I am very angry but that is not very productive. I choose sadness as it stops me from acting up in poor negative ways.

I will FORCE myself to be as happy(read as I am super happy with just OK) as I can be and continue to grow as a person.

[Confused9]

Hefty, if she is not willing to give up contact wiht the other man then you need to get away from her. she is putting him first, not you, her husband, the father of her child. Let her go! She isn't willing to work at it and you have done everything you can. When your daughter is older she will know and understand that (I know you don't want her to think you gave up - you've said that a lot.) But, what matters most is that she cheated on you and continues to care about what the OM and put him before your feelings.

 

I mean that is what she is doing. You asked her not to talk to him and she still does. I know you want to make it work and you want her to love you but the damage is done...its time for you to move on and heal. This relationship is poison for you. You deserve better. So does your daughter.

 

Take care of yourself hefty. The road is long...but there is light at the end! (I hope!)

[abeliever]

Hefty, Hefty, Hefty-

 

Man what a few weeks you have had. Still you end up in the same spot. Sucks doesn't it?? Well, join our club, yes with us winers. :0 The thing is you are not worth working it out. See, yes it is painful. But look around, are you still alive? Your still breathing, right??? Oh, check your mailbox, the bills are still coming? You will make it hard to believe but you will. Your still alive.

 

Sucks, yes. You don't have cancer and you will live another day to love yes love again! NO, not anytime soon but you will get back on that horse and ride again. Excuse the pun. He He!!

 

Hefty, we all feel for you. But the thing is you are a great person and YOU deserve to someone just to love you for you. It will happen one day. Because now you know what NOT to look for. Think about it like this, everyone has more than one spouse these days so join the group! (that is what my friend told me she has been married 3x now getting ready for her 4th) It's a crazy world out there.

 

Just trying to lighten the mood. Yes it is tragic but you are a sincere person who will triumph over this pile of well you know. So put one foot in front of the other and walk away.

 

Hang in there.

abeliever

[heftysmurf]

I needed them. Thank you for setting me straight. I may was partially responsible for the marital problem but I am not in no way shape or form responsible for anything after d-day. They were her decisions not mine. I just hate to see our relationship die when my daughter is about to grow up. Dad cannot continue to be treated like this.

[underpants]

I needed them. Thank you for setting me straight. I may was partially responsible for the marital problem but I am not in no way shape or form responsible for anything after d-day. They were her decisions not mine. I just hate to see our relationship die when my daughter is about to grow up. Dad cannot continue to be treated like this.

 

No you cannot.

 

Your daughter will respect you more for standing up then for caving. In the long run.

 

You should gather all the evidence you can of her infidelities and kick her out of the house.

 

Get a plan. A plan for you and your daughter's future.

 

I does not sound like your wife respects you very much and has not for ...years. I'm sorry for that but there is only so much mistreatment a spouse should take.

 

Post in the divorce/seperation area. There is a poster named Gunny that will whip you into shape.

 

Get smurfy.