I am so lost

[heftysmurf]

I still love my wife.

My marriage can survive.

 

I feel second choice. Wow that one hurts.

I am better than I ever believed I was. I am better than OM. I do not cheat and damage my family!

I must be patient.

I cannot wait forever.

I cannot have anymore new hurts. I cannot take even one more. I am at my limit. It may already be too much but I still believe!

My wife is a "drug addict" of sorts.

I am still being led by emotion. Brain come back to me!

I must love her a lot or I would not hurt this bad.

Thank god for meds :-)

I will never be a doormat again.

I must remain strong!

[heftysmurf]

Is so hard.

I must I must I must.

I am in so much pain.

She will do what she will. Heal me or leave me. I would hope for healing

I must do what what I can do for myself to heal.

I must let go. I must let go.

I must let things happen naturally whether I like the outcome or not.

[underpants]

Is so hard.

I must I must I must.

I am in so much pain.

She will do what she will. Heal me or leave me. I would hope for healing

I must do what what I can do for myself to heal.

I must let go. I must let go.

I must let things happen naturally whether I like the outcome or not.

 

Hefty,

 

You sound defeated. Why do you give all of your power over to her? It is your life also.

 

You even admitted that she showed some respect when you displayed assertiveness and strength.

 

Don't roll over and let her make you miserable, by her selfish patterns.

 

Have you gone to counceling for yourself?

Have you asked her to leave so that you can have some time apart to heal?

 

Be strong for your daughter.

[heftysmurf]

After the BS she put me through last weekend she may have changed. I may be hoping but am not 100% convinced at all just yet. She emailed him Thursday and went out Friday and did not come back till Saturday.

That was the end of my rope!

 

Much has happened. Her family found out, I found out the OM contacted her and I emailed him saying you better stop, he said that he wants nothing to do with her, she went to MC alone, and I contacted my lawyer again Friday which she knows about.

 

I went out Satuday with my real friends and had a great time. My record is still intact of only one night away EVER from my daughter as I made it home. She cannot say the same. Makes me feel proud of myself.

 

I am really at the end of my line at this point. I have FINALLY detached from my situation. I am viewing this for how bad what she did really is and wow is it bad. Taking my emotions out of it. I am not totally detached from her but have come to realize that I am the farthest away from her that I have ever been in my life.

 

I do still have love for her but it is not exactly the same. It is a small sapling in a garden. It needs lots of water and sunshine to grow.

 

I still believe this can work despite it all. Final shot for my daughters family.

 

I am down to these points:

 

As far as I am concerned we are only on day 4 of Reconciliation. All the good stuff before this is gone as she continued contact.

 

I have waited 2 months for her to quit playing games. I will take no more games at all. None ziltch nada.

 

This is her 2nd chance not mine. She has pushed so far as to almost totally blow it.

 

She still is expecting me just to move on. I am nowhere near that point. I cannot move on just because you have decided to really try to reconcile. It is not as if it was a ONS. She fell in love with someone else while married to me. That is the rat in the snakes gut.

 

The biggest deal breaker for me besides the usual stuff is anger at me. I will no longer accept this AT ALL.

 

I am willing to wait a bit longer if she steps up for the two biggest items for me to consider forgiveness:

 

-Genuine remorse.

 

-A LONG period of strong consistent actions that show love, caring, an understanding of what I have been put through, and TONS of trust building actions.

 

I have not really set a timeline on this. I am playing day by day and observing her actions and taking stock. The longer she is consistent in her actions the longer our marriage survives. I need this for several months to remove us from the brink. I will reevaluate than and decide if she has really stepped up.

 

I still do not know at this point if I can get over this. It all depends on her. I can forgive her with her help and we stay married. I can will only accept it alone. If that happens we seperate and our divorce. Either way I am moving on with or without her. I am OK either way.

 

I will not waver from this point! I AM STRONG.

 

Damn rollercoaster!

 

The last card in the deck is being played.

 

I am good now. Thank you LS's and the lifting of the fog.

Edited January 9, 2008 by heftysmurf

[stampdaddy]

After the BS she put me through last weekend she may have changed. I may be hoping but am not 100% convinced at all just yet. She emailed him Thursday and went out Friday and did not come back till Saturday.

That was the end of my rope!

 

Much has happened. Her family found out, I found out the OM contacted her and I emailed him saying you better stop, he said that he wants nothing to do with her, she went to MC alone, and I contacted my lawyer again Friday which she knows about.

 

I went out Satuday with my real friends and had a great time. My record is still intact of only one night away EVER from my daughter as I made it home. She cannot say the same. Makes me feel proud of myself.

 

I am really at the end of my line at this point. I have FINALLY detached from my situation. I am viewing this for how bad what she did really is and wow is it bad. Taking my emotions out of it. I am not totally detached from her but have come to realize that I am the farthest away from her that I have ever been in my life.

 

I do still have love for her but it is not exactly the same. It is a small sapling in a garden. It needs lots of water and sunshine to grow.

 

I still believe this can work despite it all. Final shot for my daughters family.

 

I am down to these points:

 

As far as I am concerned we are only on day 4 of Reconciliation. All the good stuff before this is gone as she continued contact.

 

I have waited 2 months for her to quit playing games. I will take no more games at all. None ziltch nada.

 

This is her 2nd chance not mine. She has pushed so far as to almost totally blow it.

 

She still is expecting me just to move on. I am nowhere near that point. I cannot move on just because you have decided to really try to reconcile. It is not as if it was a ONS. She fell in love with someone else while married to me. That is the rat in the snakes gut.

 

The biggest deal breaker for me besides the usual stuff is anger at me. I will no longer accept this AT ALL.

 

I am willing to wait a bit longer if she steps up for the two biggest items for me to consider forgiveness:

 

-Genuine remorse.

 

-A LONG period of strong consistent actions that show love, caring, an understanding of what I have been put through, and TONS of trust building actions.

 

I have not really set a timeline on this. I am playing day by day and observing her actions and taking stock. The longer she is consistent in her actions the longer our marriage survives. I need this for several months to remove us from the brink. I will reevaluate than and decide if she has really stepped up.

 

I still do not know at this point if I can get over this. It all depends on her. I can forgive her with her help and we stay married. I can will only accept it alone. If that happens we seperate and our divorce. Either way I am moving on with or without her. I am OK either way.

 

I will not waver from this point! I AM STRONG.

 

Damn rollercoaster!

 

The last card in the deck is being played.

 

I am good now. Thank you LS's and the lifting of the fog.

Page 27 now Hefty... Let's not make it to 30, OK?? You can do this

[heftysmurf]

I had to find myself a bit more. Damn rollercoaster. Hardest thing in my life ever!

[stampdaddy]

I had to find myself a bit more. Damn rollercoaster. Hardest thing in my life ever!

Don't mean to be a downer, BUT, what if you had to tell your daughter that Hefty had a terminal disease and had 6 months to live... Where would this rank then??

 

LIVE YOUR LIFE, Hefty, with your daughter. Good things WILL come your way. STop wasting seconds on the clock....

[heftysmurf]

I need to move on with life with or without her. I know that. It is so hard with a long term affair and on top double betrayl. It happened in my house, everywhere. Christ we spent vacations together with the other couple. How the hell could someone look you cold and say I love you with no remorse and dead at you. Christ before d-day I even asked are you sleeping around and she always said no. I was stupid and believed her. My history is so distorted. I do not even know what is real. I think long term affairs cause I cognitive break in the BS mind. I need to gather myself and move on. Anybody dealing with a LTA mind chiming in?

[BetrayedMM]

Uhhh... the sense of not knowing what is real comes from years of gaslighting. It is a direct result of hearing thousands of lies, lies you want to believe, and now can't.

 

You have been a victim of a form of psychological abuse. You have to get a grip on yourself. Realize that your wife has been lying her ass off for years, so reality is all those things that you know in spite of her; anything that has come from her is suspect. The version of reality that your wife has painted is an illusion, and the cause of your confusion.

[In Like Flynn]

How is the OM's wife handling this ??

[heftysmurf]

Just a pushover. I have not spoke to her in a while and do not care to. her and my ex BF can rot for all I care.

[PerfectXPretty]

Honestly... I dont know how anyone could cheat on their mate.. It's terrible, anyone who does that should just break up with the person rather than lead them on for no reason, i'm sorry you're going through what you are dealing with today. I hope that one day soon it gets better for you.. take it one day at a time, you deserve better.

[BettyBoop]

Hefty,

 

sorry to be blunt but it seems as if as soon as you gain enough strength to realise she is lower than low can be, you go straight back to "oh I'll give her another 2 months...but THAT's it"...it seems to me the way you act, you will never stop giving her more time.

 

You say "I am strong enough" but at the next post you am willing to "wait another month to see if she can shower you with love".

 

I frankly doubt she will show you anything that you want until you are at the edge of the divorce with the papers signed by you. As long as you are willing to give her more time - she will just waste it.

 

Just a piece of advice from a girl who knows a bit about such...

[Sal Paradise]

Betty Boop is right. You need to stop putting it off and go for the divorce.

 

I'm going to get harsh but you desperately need it....

 

You keep saying "I'm amazed I even try". You said that a good half dozen times in this thread. There's nothing amazing about someone who is so desperate and in denial that they can't see the truth. Your wife doesn't love you. She most likely never really loved you. You don't want to believe that your marriage was a fraud. You don't want to believe that you wasted 13 years of you life with this sorry excuse for a human being. You don't want to believe that you could have been such a fool for so long. You don't want to believe that you were such a bad judge of character and that she played you like a fool. You don't want to believe that it's over and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

You keep saying "At least I will know I gave it my all". You've already allowed her to waste 13 years of your life while you were in the dark. Now that you're out of the dark you want to allow her to waste more. This pathetic excuse for wife isn't worth you wasting 1 more minute of your life worrying about her. Stop using your daughter as an excuse (sorry but thats what it is). This is about you not wanting to face reality. Let it go, you can't fix it, you can't fix her. She isn't broke, this is who she is and this is who she always was and most likely who she will remain for the rest of her life.

 

The Marriage is Over and has been over since the first time she scewed your best friend. That's reality. You're not being strong for your daughter, you're using your daughter as an excuse to mask your weakness. As a way to ignore what you deep down know. I just read this thread all the way through and I suggest you do the same. Watch the pattern that immerges....

 

"It's over, I can't accept this..."

 

"I have to be strong for my daughter so maybe I can accept this...."

 

"It's over for real this time I really can't accept this"

 

"I think she just needs more time, I don't want to regret not giving it to her"

 

"I know it now, it's over, I'm strong enough this time..."

 

"Ok I think she might be really close, I need to give her just more time"

 

and so on and so on.

 

Seriously as I read this I knew you'd backdown from the New Years deadline. She treats you like a doormat because you act like one. Like the post where you said you read her emails/letters and you realized she was saying she was sorry but you were too angry to hear it. You were just looking for a reason to extend the deadline. You do this everytime you get close to sealing the deal. You look for some sign that isn't there to tell you to go on. It's almost like a religious person looking for secret codes in the Bible, they find exactly what they want to hear. She's become your religion you even seek her approval like a deity. It's not ever going to come. Stop giving her this power over your life.

 

Let go! I know it isn't easy but you must do it. You're going to ruin your life and your daughters life. What kind of an example are you setting for her? What if she were acting this way? Would you want her to make herself miserable to keep a family together when her husband never really loved her?

 

You said in an early post that when you see your daughter in 20 years you want to be able to say "Mommy made a mistake but I tried". Mommy didn't just make a mistake. Mommy purposely destroyed your marriage, your family and your life. She had an affair with your best friend for 5 YEARS!!! She did it in YOUR BED! Would you want your daughter to forgive that? Do you not think that your adult daughter in 20 years would understand why Daddy had to leave Mommy? Like I said you're using her as an excuse to carry on this song and dance with a woman who wants to dance with someone else and has been doing so for the past 5 years.

 

It's time to let go.

 

 

In closing:

 

I wish you a lot of luck. Sorry if I crossed the line but you need to realize what you're doing to yourself. You seem like a nice guy but thats part of the problem. You're too nice, too accommodating, too willing to please (aka a doormat). You need to work on yourself and you can't really do that until after the divorce. Stop wasting your life on this woman, she has wasted enough of it already. We only get one go around on this crazy thing called life, you have to do everything you can to live it to fullest while you're here.

 

Start living my friend. If you don't then thats what you will regret in 20 years. And that will be no ones fault but your own.

Edited January 11, 2008 by Sal Paradise

[LifesontheUp]

Betty Boop is right. You need to stop putting it off and go for the divorce.

 

I'm going to get harsh but you desperately need it....

 

You keep saying "I'm amazed I even try". You said that a good half dozen times in this thread. There's nothing amazing about someone who is so desperate and in denial that they can't see the truth. Your wife doesn't love you. She most likely never really loved you. You don't want to believe that your marriage was a fraud. You don't want to believe that you wasted 13 years of you life with this sorry excuse for a human being. You don't want to believe that you could have been such a fool for so long. You don't want to believe that you were such a bad judge of character and that she played you like a fool. You don't want to believe that it's over and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

You keep saying "At least I will know I gave it my all". You've already allowed her to waste 13 years of your life while you were in the dark. Now that you're out of the dark you want to allow her to waste more. This pathetic excuse for wife isn't worth you wasting 1 more minute of your life worrying about her. Stop using your daughter as an excuse (sorry but thats what it is). This is about you not wanting to face reality. Let it go, you can't fix it, you can't fix her. She isn't broke, this is who she is and this is who she always was and most likely who she will remain for the rest of her life.

 

The Marriage is Over and has been over since the first time she scewed your best friend. That's reality. You're not being strong for your daughter, you're using your daughter as an excuse to mask your weakness. As a way to ignore what you deep down know. I just read this thread all the way through and I suggest you do the same. Watch the pattern that immerges....

 

"It's over, I can't accept this..."

 

"I have to be strong for my daughter so maybe I can accept this...."

 

"It's over for real this time I really can't accept this"

 

"I think she just needs more time, I don't want to regret not giving it to her"

 

"I know it now, it's over, I'm strong enough this time..."

 

"Ok I think she might be really close, I need to give her just more time"

 

and so on and so on.

 

Seriously as I read this I knew you'd backdown from the New Years deadline. She treats you like a doormat because you act like one. Like the post where you said you read her emails/letters and you realized she was saying she was sorry but you were too angry to hear it. You were just looking for a reason to extend the deadline. You do this everytime you get close to sealing the deal. You look for some sign that isn't there to tell you to go on. It's almost like a religious person looking for secret codes in the Bible, they find exactly what they want to hear. She's become your religion you even seek her approval like a deity. It's not ever going to come. Stop giving her this power over your life.

 

Let go! I know it isn't easy but you must do it. You're going to ruin your life and your daughters life. What kind of an example are you setting for her? What if she were acting this way? Would you want her to make herself miserable to keep a family together when her husband never really loved her?

 

You said in an early post that when you see your daughter in 20 years you want to be able to say "Mommy made a mistake but I tried". Mommy didn't just make a mistake. Mommy purposely destroyed your marriage, your family and your life. She had an affair with your best friend for 5 YEARS!!! She did it in YOUR BED! Would you want your daughter to forgive that? Do you not think that your adult daughter in 20 years would understand why Daddy had to leave Mommy? Like I said you're using her as an excuse to carry on this song and dance with a woman who wants to dance with someone else and has been doing so for the past 5 years.

 

It's time to let go.

 

 

In closing:

 

I wish you a lot of luck. Sorry if I crossed the line but you need to realize what you're doing to yourself. You seem like a nice guy but thats part of the problem. You're too nice, too accommodating, too willing to please (aka a doormat). You need to work on yourself and you can't really do that until after the divorce. Stop wasting your life on this woman, she has wasted enough of it already. We only get one go around on this crazy thing called life, you have to do everything you can to live it to fullest while you're here.

 

Start living my friend. If you don't then thats what you will regret in 20 years. And that will be no ones fault but your own.

 

Hefty................read and read and read this post. He's right. Your wife is not giving you what you need because she doesn't care enough about you. Care about yourself and do something that will be very difficult for you in the beginning but something that will benefit you for the rest of your life............PACK HER BAGS AND THEN FOLLOW IT UP WITH DIVORCE PAPERS!

[heftysmurf]

Thank you. Actually as time as gone on and I am a little out of the shock and awe phase I am understanding what has been done to me. I know my marriage is a lie. In my mind I have started to move on. I know I am a doormat to most but man this BS has been hard on my mind. I am questoning if she does love me. Love is not saying I love you. It is kind caring consistent actions and understanding what you have done to someone and doing everything to make it right. This is not like a 3 month fling. I have been mentally messed up bad for 5 years. Triggers EVERYWHERE.

 

New priority list:

my daughter

myself

everything else

 

I know I was weak at extending the deadline. It is now complete. Anything will end it now. Not only that I better see some remorse and understanding of why I cannot have a good day at this point. WW is beginning IC intensively next week. Will it help? Hope so but if not I am ready.

 

If somehow our relationship ( I will no longer call it a marriage) survives great. If not I am ready for divorce as well. I keep in my mind it is not me that caused it. It was her selfish ways. I was in the same marriage and did not cheat!

 

It sucks that I did not cheat but will lose half my time with my daughter if we do separate. That is BS. I did nothing to cause this!

 

If my daughter is mad at me if we do divorce later in life I will just say "go talk to your mom about what happened".

 

I am really at the end. No wavering at this point. Absolute total commitment to me and my needs or I am done.

 

The raging inferno that was my love is now a lonely candle with the wind blowing on it.

[Cobra_X30]

I know I was weak at extending the deadline. It is now complete. Anything will end it now. Not only that I better see some remorse and understanding of why I cannot have a good day at this point. WW is beginning IC intensively next week. Will it help? Hope so but if not I am ready.

 

It sucks that I did not cheat but will lose half my time with my daughter if we do separate. That is BS. I did nothing to cause this!

 

If my daughter is mad at me if we do divorce later in life I will just say "go talk to your mom about what happened".

 

I am really at the end. No wavering at this point. Absolute total commitment to me and my needs or I am done.

 

The raging inferno that was my love is now a lonely candle with the wind blowing on it.

 

Hefty,

 

You need time to get over your wife... now that your eyes are open... you need to start to realize and feel the abuse she is laying on you in order to start kicking the addiction you have to her.

 

This may not be the time for 2x4's. Be slow and methodical in divorceing your wife. Do not threaten or cajole her with it. Let her do what is right from her own free will, if not... be prepared.

 

Your butt needs to start getting any info possible on what a bad mother she is. Go for full custody. Maybe her OM is a criminal... think, document, prove. When your blood is ice... the time is right.

 

Do not worry what your daughter will say. I was once in her shoes. I could tell which of my parents sucked.

[eskimojoe]

Hefty,

 

It's good to read you're staying strong. You need to do it for yourself and your daughter.

 

Since I'm reading this from the "other side's" perspective, you're helping me stay strong in righting the wrongs I've done to my spouse, owning and sweeping my side of the street. I see her pain through yours.

 

Yes, it's ironic. So thanks, from an unlikely source.

 

Esky

[stampdaddy]

Page 28 now, almost 29

[underpants]

Hefty,

 

sorry to be blunt but it seems as if as soon as you gain enough strength to realise she is lower than low can be, you go straight back to "oh I'll give her another 2 months...but THAT's it"...it seems to me the way you act, you will never stop giving her more time.

 

You say "I am strong enough" but at the next post you am willing to "wait another month to see if she can shower you with love".

 

I frankly doubt she will show you anything that you want until you are at the edge of the divorce with the papers signed by you. As long as you are willing to give her more time - she will just waste it.

 

Just a piece of advice from a girl who knows a bit about such...

 

Boop has an excellent point.

 

I have been watching a couple I know go down the tubes for a couple of YEARS now because of inaction met with continued cheating.

 

Their kids are suffering in a way that turns my stomach and I just opt out of functions that involve them because I just can't watch it.

 

I am not supposed to know. Everybody knows.

 

The wife continues to cheat, and she is cheating with another MM that began his affair with her when his wife was pregnant. Her husband who was at one time a really together person is just a empty shell. Together they put on all these false pretenses and their kids are paying the price.

 

Not that it matters but both of these people are highly educated and you would think that they might...think.

 

The funniest thing was when his wife accused my friend of being an example of deception and betrayl to her son because she could not support her in her affair. The chick knows better then to involve me, although she has tried to manipulate me a couple of times. I find it funny that she sits next to me at events. She talks to me and I am just all blank. She makes my blood run cold.

 

Their kids are paying the price now and they are young.

 

Hefty, don't let your situation get to a point of settled dysfunction. That would be a tragedy. A tragedy that you knowingly let happen.

 

Embrace a future for you and your daughter on honest terms.

 

I agree with Cobra, get armed and aim (without emotion) for primary custody. You can do it but if you wait you will lose the window of opportunity.

Edited January 12, 2008 by underpants

[heftysmurf]

I needed them badly. I know I need to let go and see what happens. That is my next step. It is my only step left. See if she comes back to me and if not be prepared for a life a part. Start living my own life. Will she be a part of it? That is totally her decision. Actions - not words. I was nowhere near perfect but whenever I did anything she was with me inside my heart.

 

I loved her in a very special way. She was really my everything. It is not the same now. It could be but that is up to her.

 

I am so unselfish I never really worried about me. I was one who thought "I am OK, nothing bothers me, whatever you want". Must learn the mindset that many here have grasped - the best me is better for everyone. My daughter, myself, my real friends, even my wife.

 

I was so co-dependant. The affair was her drug. She was mine.

 

I was so damn depressed and still am. I am so hurt I cannot believe it. Our MC even said she has NEVER dealt with anything like this. It is hard to wake up and poof YOUR LIFE IS A LIE. 13 years POOF like a firecracker. Man she used to look into my eyes and melt my heart. I have not seen that look for a long time.

 

No matter what happens this will mess me up for years.

 

I finally honestly believe I am lifting from my own fog. I need to focus on what I need.

 

I think the thing in my mind is a normal person who loves somebody and hurts them would usually make amends.

 

Feels cold and alone. I have no choice but to move on. I am wasting away in sadness and I must lift up and stand up.

 

Thanks again! I needed the 2x4's. I am better now and thanks for taking the time to post.