I am so lost

[norajane]

Does she not realize I am the one? I am hurting bad right now. Hate having to separate. Could she just stop come clean as hell? WTF. This is the time to step up. I guess I must accept no matter how bad I want R she may be lost to me. This sucks.

 

Are you sure it's HER you want? Because she isn't the same woman you married, and she hasn't been the kind of woman you can respect and trust for many, many years. Even now, with your marriage hanging in the balance, she is a woman who is seeking out another man.

 

Are you sure it isn't your 'old' vision of her that you want, the relationship you thought you had?

 

That woman is gone...your wife is a far different person now, and has been someone you haven't fully known for years. You will see her more clearly with some time apart. You will see that you are hanging onto what you thought you had with her and what you wish you still had and your vision of the woman you married. But when you take a good, clear look at who she is now, you won't want her so badly.

 

You're a month in and are still dazed and in pain. With time you will gain clarity, you will have less pain and fear and sadness clouding your view of her, and you will see her for what she is - don't be so sure you will still want her then.

[abeliever]

Hefty- Norajane is on to something I forgot to post.

 

When going thru this with my H I found out that I loved my M (and him too of course) and what we made of our M. But that was then- you see now he decided for whatever reason that our M was not what he wanted. That hurts to put it into words now. But you can see where I am coming from. No doubt you love her I wished my H loved me as much. But you see, they don't love their M like we did and the didn't love us like we did them!

 

That is the bottom line! I feel that if you truly love someone, you could never want or desire to be with anyone else. At least that is how I am. I knew our M wasn't the best. But we (so I thought) was happy unlike most M people we encountered. We would comment and say how lucky that we resepected each other and valued each other (now I know that was a lie) but we did that. To find out that your M is a lie, let me tell you I wanted to find a padded room and just loose it. And had plans to check myself in on the day I found this site. I cried reading the posts (still do with some) because it gave me a sense that my situation however Jerry Springer it was that someone else knew my pain. It is what saved me.

 

Hefty, don't give up on YOU! I worry you put too much into what she meant to you. What do you mean to YOU? Please get some distance just for a while. I promise you it will get some peace and some clarity.

 

Man, you are my brother in LS and I am here for you.

abeliever:sick:

[heftysmurf]

It is a change of thinking for me. I thought of family daughter and her above me. I now understand I need to be the best me I can be. I think my vision of our time together has rosey glasses. That day my daughter was born was so special. Many other times were wonderful.

 

It saddens me that it has come to this.

 

I hope we can separate and gain clarity and always try to keep our daughter #1. Man I love her.

 

Thanks abeilver for believing in me!

[Cobra_X30]

It is a change of thinking for me. I thought of family daughter and her above me. I now understand I need to be the best me I can be. I think my vision of our time together has rosey glasses. That day my daughter was born was so special. Many other times were wonderful.

 

Thinking of others first... that just makes you easier to take advantage of.

 

It's time to become the person you want you daughter to see. Show her strength and honor!

 

In seperation... your wife may finally discover that she is about to lose you.

 

More importantly, you will see... maybe she isnt worth trying to hang on to. Once those rose colored glasses come off... the truth is revealed.

[heftysmurf]

I think this is the only way she will "get it" if ever. I wonder if it is already too late? I need full support now. Can I accept her acting the way I need 3 months from now? Maybe, maybe not. I hope so in many ways but time does give time for reflection. I really do not know how I will feel 3 months from now.

 

I view this as our last chance ever.

 

I have seen barely anything done to save us. A few nice gestures is not enough.

 

What she did is beyond horrible to me. It is one of the worse cases of infidelity I have seen. I could only imagine had it gone on 25 years like that other LSer. I am crushed my heart is gone. It is crushed and only beats for my daughter.

 

I loved her more than any woman in the world.

 

What we had is lost. My view of her is changed and I will wear this scar on my heart FOREVER. Can she ever be the woman I want her to be? I need that woman NOW.

 

I tried everything to reconcile and with her actions it is clear she does not want me. She took baby steps and chases the OM. I need moon walk steps. She could do it if she wanted to. With us on the brink she still does not.

 

I will never understand cheaters. They are horribly selfish people. F&<k their feeling bad about the end of the affair. To hell with their desire for the other person. I do not care. You better get over it NOW. I am a man. He is an a$$ a worthless dog. I am better. I do not CHEAT and betray people I love. I am no second choice.

 

My life is now ruined because of her but I am slowly starting to find myself.

 

I want things to be as good as possible between us for our daughters sake. I want the best for my daughters mother and will help her in the separation process to the best of my ability.

 

Separation is the next step. A choice she made for me that I did not want.

[JamesM]

 

I will never understand cheaters. They are horribly selfish people. F&<k their feeling bad about the end of the affair.

 

Separation is the next step. A choice she made for me that I did not want.

 

Please don't take this comment wrong. I understand your anger, and in your position, I would be no different.

 

But having said that, not all cheaters can simply called selfish and put in a stereotype...end of story. Nor can it be that SHE made a choice that ended your marriage.

 

While I am not there observing your marriage, I can say that in general (and this does not mean that you need to feel like you caused the affair), marriages consist of two people who have to participate at keeping the marriage strong. Many factors lead up to the point where an affair is begun by one person. So, many times people cheat not because they woke up and decide to cheat, but because they have emotionally been made vulnerable for such a choice. Yes, there are examples of people who cheat no matter how good they have it, but this is unusual. Most people cheat because there was something missing in their marriage. And while this never justifies cheating, it does help explain it.

 

While I also do not like cheaters, I am smart enough that "but for the grace of God, go I." Most of them are not horrible people, they are simply people who made a horrible decision.

 

Why would I tell you this? Because IMO, for you to heal from this tragedy that is happening to you, part of your therapy will be to determine what all happened leading up to the affair. This is one of the best ways for you to prevent yourself from being in such a devastating position in the future.

 

While it seems that your wife cheated for most of your marriage, it may be very helpful for you to find out what led to this affair. Was there anything that could have been done differently?

 

And how will you trust someone in the future?

 

Are you seeking counseling?

[heftysmurf]

I also took a ton of psychology in college. I have learned a lot about myself.

 

I also understand the factors that led to the affair. I did not listen and did not show enough emotion or passion during private moments.

During my attempts to R I showed her both to show I could do it. It was within me. I could be everything she needed.

 

I have already changed in several ways permanently. I stopped playing video games, joined a gym, clean the house more, do laundry, drink less (maybe never again?) and do more with my daughter.

 

The affair went on so long that it reinforced my bad actions and made my actions worse. She never gave me a chance.

 

A mistake? To me it was 100's of mistakes.

 

I was competing with a third person. She had an "escape" for any disagreement with me. She never needed to resolve anything. She could go to him. Conflict avoidance.

 

She was able to lie to me so easily. How could you just do it over and over again?

 

I also think much of it is something is broken in her. She had a bad childhood and developed poor coping mechanisms. She also developed views of me that were not true. I asked her once b4 d-day if she thought I was against her. She said yes. It floored me. She is my wife and I ALWAYS wanted the best for her. She viewed me helping her as doubting her ability. I just wanted things to be easy for her.

 

I just do not know how somebody could lie for an entire marraige to your face? Why did she marry me?

 

Explain to me how cheating is not selfish? She could have faced her fears and spoke with me. I may or may not have liked what she had to say but we are both adults and could have resolved our issues or parted. I am sorry if this comes off angry JamesM.

 

I still love her however she has not showed me it back in my greatest time of need. I need her now!

 

I believe she still wants the other man. I am number #2. Do you imagine how that makes me feel?

 

Honey try! Show me! I am screaming it from the mountain tops to you! I love you.

 

I now she is a good person in many ways despite this. She made me happy many times. She has done many caring nice things for me. She gave me an amazing daughter.

 

I want to separate. Not divorce at this point. I hope she sees the light and that I do not lose the light.

 

I think it is a risk I have to take.

[Cobra_X30]

 

I also understand the factors that led to the affair. I did not listen and did not show enough emotion or passion during private moments.

During my attempts to R I showed her both to show I could do it. It was within me. I could be everything she needed.

 

I now she is a good person in many ways despite this. She made me happy many times. She has done many caring nice things for me. She gave me an amazing daughter.

 

I want to separate. Not divorce at this point. I hope she sees the light and that I do not lose the light.

 

I think it is a risk I have to take.

 

Yes, your wife is broken... and you cannot fix her Hefty! If you cant live with bieng man #2, then end this farce of a marriage! Yes, seperate first... but do not shy away from exlporing your options!

 

You feel burned out and ruined right now! That will not last forever. You will leave her behind... and begin to find yourself. If you choose to look you will find a good woman, and rebuild your life and learn from the mistakes you made in the past.

 

Maybe she is a good person... but she isnt good to you or for you! As long as you stay... all you will teach your daughter is emotional addiction and how to take abuse! With someone else, you can show her what a loving marriage is!!! She bloody needs to see that at some point in her life.

 

There is a time to sit and pine for the innocense you've lost, and then... there is a time for bold action! This is your time! Make your move. Take your power back NOW!

[stampdaddy]

She will NEVER be the "same" woman, that you may be holding onto, it's up to you to determine if you want the woman she is NOW...

[reboot]

What's weird is stamp's MW and hefty's WW could be the same person according to their respective stories...

[heftysmurf]

Reading his posts now. Interesting parallels.

 

I just am so hurt and confused at this point. I was strong for 3 days till today. Ran into the husband and wife beanie babies we had at our wedding. Lost it.

 

I need to understand that I made this decision and will never be 100% on this.

 

I know I chimed about my daughter like crazy. We just put up the xmas tree and that hurt. May be last one together as a family .

 

Xmas would be a total disaster except for her.

[stampdaddy]

Reading his posts now. Interesting parallels.

 

I just am so hurt and confused at this point. I was strong for 3 days till today. Ran into the husband and wife beanie babies we had at our wedding. Lost it.

 

I need to understand that I made this decision and will never be 100% on this.

 

I know I chimed about my daughter like crazy. We just put up the xmas tree and that hurt. May be last one together as a family .

 

Xmas would be a total disaster except for her.

 

I may not be your last Xmas as a FAMILY.. To HER, your Daughter, you all will ALWAYS BE A FAMILY.. Do NOT FORGET THAT

[stampdaddy]

Reading his posts now. Interesting parallels.

 

I just am so hurt and confused at this point. I was strong for 3 days till today. Ran into the husband and wife beanie babies we had at our wedding. Lost it.

 

I need to understand that I made this decision and will never be 100% on this.

 

I know I chimed about my daughter like crazy. We just put up the xmas tree and that hurt. May be last one together as a family .

 

Xmas would be a total disaster except for her.

 

HEFTY, I see that you have started reading MY posts.. PLEASE don't let any advise I have for you get skewed, I AM here to help... I HAVE been divorced, and that is the ONLY place anything would say to you would come from I SWEAR...

[heftysmurf]

Your posts. they are not skewed. I evaluate all posts. This is my life and I must deal with my decisions. The posts serve to give me different points to consider that I may not have even considered. They do not become my decisions.

I say thank you for taking the time to read my story and offering input.

[stampdaddy]

Your posts. they are not skewed. I evaluate all posts. This is my life and I must deal with my decisions. The posts serve to give me different points to consider that I may not have even considered. They do not become my decisions.

I say thank you for taking the time to read my story and offering input.

I say you're welcome and likewise, my friend

 

Listen, I remember my first Christmas w/out my daughter, she was 4 at the time.. BROKE my heart, no doubt. BUT, this Christmas, she's a freshman at the University of _______.. And, when she leaves here to go back to school, she will be leaving in her new car (not a NEW car, but new to her..) There are SO MANY BEAUTIFUL memories of her and her DADDY, just the 2 of us, that she wil carry forever, like the time we were fishing in a pond at a golf course I worked at in Maryland, and she caught a fis, and the fish got hung up in some twigs, she asked her pos to help, she was so excited, her FIRST fish.. Well, I tugged and tugged and finally the fish broke free, sprung out with the force and slapped her right in the face... She didnt know whether to laugh or cry, so she did both.. We will NEVER forget that story and she will tell HER daughter and I'm sure it will last another daughter or 2... POINT: Don't waste too much time working on a rlationship that may not be there (in your heart you know it's not). BUILD NEW RELATIONSHIPS with the same people......

[heftysmurf]

You are still so bounded. What happened in your first M that you concluded D was the only answer?

 

I had an interesting talk with a friend who is in AA that said it as if WS sometimes have a disease. They need to fix themselves. I also think a 6 year addiction will be hard to break. I am as sure as I can be on separation but that has given me pause a bit.

[LifesontheUp]

I threw my xH out day after d-day because he wouldn't go NC with his young girlfriend. Apparently she was his soulmate, his crutch, and he couldn't live without her. Within a fortnight he was begging me to come home but there was something deep down in me despite all the turmoil that said I shouldn't let him back......let him work for it. One of his first calls to beg me to have him back was whilst I was taking legal advice about seperation and divorce.

 

Now I'm not saying to throw your wife out or that she'll miraculously come to her senses (I think there is something very wrong with her to be honest). But from my experience it gave me time to myself to try and relax as much as possible and to limit my contact with him.

 

If you wanted, you could have as little or as much contact with your wife as you want.....but do it on your terms for a change. You need to try and start to take control of your life back. Do it for you and your daughter. Its hard I know, but so far your wife isn't behaving as someone with genuine respect and remorse. Once you are away from her, see what happens, take each day at a time.

[stampdaddy]

You are still so bounded. What happened in your first M that you concluded D was the only answer?

 

I had an interesting talk with a friend who is in AA that said it as if WS sometimes have a disease. They need to fix themselves. I also think a 6 year addiction will be hard to break. I am as sure as I can be on separation but that has given me pause a bit.

 

Well, we were young, I got married at 20 (no excuse though), we moved a few times from state to state and the last time she had to go ahead of me for 3-4 months. I believe that she got into an EA during that time with a superior co-worker and a couple months later, just out of the blue, she asked for a separation.. BAM!! Well, I didnt hamdle that well at all, emotionally and I believe the guilt actually chased her further out the door.. I still dont know for a fact what the deal was, and dont care, as I felt, "what the hell can I do about it now?" So NOW, we play golf together, they married and are still married and have 2 more children. He had a daugther that was my daughters age and basically, I have a larger family.. VERY BLESSED

 

SEPARATION is your ONLY avenue.. And personally, I don't know about this whole "addiction" thing.. Read a post over in OM/OW by TomCat about me.. Listen, in my case, OK fine, we are addicted. BUT, we are best friends. We are golf buddies. We have grown in so many ways that a couple should grow, and we've taken our knocks as well. YES, she takes my breath away still to this day, and I can stare at her from across a cowded room, just to watch her.. And I can get frustrated trying to pick out a paint color when she uses a scientific approach and I say "I like that one" without any thought...

 

My long winded point is, I'd be careful putting a "label" onto whatever this thing is with her. Doesnt do you any good in the end, my friend, except give you a "label" to hold onto, not her. SEPARATE, and if that doesnt force a hand, nothing will.. In the mean time, FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER,

[abeliever]

Hefty- you seem a little stronger and I glad to see it! The time away will help. Do me a favor read my new post. Look where I have come? You see once you get some distance you can see your M for what it "is" not what you thing it is. I have come to that place, and now see that yeah I was to blame too. (hard to admit that) Ha. Hey we are all human. I just want to know it I am doomed? This was my first marriage and I really fought hard to keep it. But sometimes life hands you a different deck.

 

So now what do we do??

 

AB

[heftysmurf]

For a chunk of this. My withdrawl was bad in our marriage. I pulled back and got into freinds and beer on the weekends. We have so little time together because of our schedules and I wasted the time that was for us for other things. It was stupid of me. I should have turned towards not away.

I needed her and did not realize it. She could have lifted me up as I was depressed. I was foolish. I developed bad coping mechanisms too. Games, friends, beer did not judge me. I felt as if she judged me. I should have realized even though she was using anger against me that she was not hateful of me. I felt she was but she was not. It was the way she was taught to react from her childhood. She did not know another way. I could have showed her another way. I ignored the signs. I forgot how bad she had it before me. She forgot how good it was with me than before.

I have learned so much about myself, my contribution to this affair, and what I can do to be better.

I need to take advantage of all times. Constantly work at making her feel special, never take her for granite, realize relationships are work if they are to remain, realize I have a lot to lose by separation and or divorce, and that I must demand respect at all times.

I am actually amazed at how much I have grown inside. I want to still share it with her. I cannot make her change she has to want to.

I know separation is in a way the right thing to do at this point. But I pause in that have I really given her the chance to learn about herself as I have myself?

[stampdaddy]

For a chunk of this. My withdrawl was bad in our marriage. I pulled back and got into freinds and beer on the weekends. We have so little time together because of our schedules and I wasted the time that was for us for other things. It was stupid of me. I should have turned towards not away.

I needed her and did not realize it. She could have lifted me up as I was depressed. I was foolish. I developed bad coping mechanisms too. Games, friends, beer did not judge me. I felt as if she judged me. I should have realized even though she was using anger against me that she was not hateful of me. I felt she was but she was not. It was the way she was taught to react from her childhood. She did not know another way. I could have showed her another way. I ignored the signs. I forgot how bad she had it before me. She forgot how good it was with me than before.

I have learned so much about myself, my contribution to this affair, and what I can do to be better.

I need to take advantage of all times. Constantly work at making her feel special, never take her for granite, realize relationships are work if they are to remain, realize I have a lot to lose by separation and or divorce, and that I must demand respect at all times.

I am actually amazed at how much I have grown inside. I want to still share it with her. I cannot make her change she has to want to.

I know separation is in a way the right thing to do at this point. But I pause in that have I really given her the chance to learn about herself as I have myself?

You seem so all over the board, which is completely normal and expected.. We ALL have traits from childhood, and it is very wise of you to recognize that, FOR YOURSELF.. It's OK to acknowledge that in your W, but again, wrong area of focus, just like the "label".. YES< you need to take advantage of all of the times, WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, and W from time to time. "Constantly work at making YOU, not her feel special right now, don't take your daughter for granote right now, EVERY DAY counts for her as well, esoecally now around the Holidays.. Take her out to see the lights, Santa, make snow angels and drown yourself in her beautiful smiles..

Since you have grown so much inside, you will always share that with your W, THROUGH your child. If you KNOW separation is the right thing to do, then DO IT! Quit worrying so much about HER growing and changing, that's up to her, BUT, a quick dose of the reality of Separation will help determine that. You have to "let go" of alot of what you are hanging onto, my friend.. She's not going anywhere..

[heftysmurf]

Your comments on your daughter touch me and make me feel much better. Thank you.

I just keep looking so hard at myself now. I am drilling my flaws hard.

Am I rushing this separation?

Did I not give her a chance to get over this?

Can I change my interactions with her to help me learn what she really is all about?

Can I become more consistent?

If I let go too much is all lost right than?

Even if we reconcile can I ever get past this and make this a distant memory?

I have 40+ years to live likely. In the scope of life is this whole thing just a moment or a way of being?

Can I incorporate my current changes and keep them and gain more forever?

I know I will never be 100% on any decision I make. I feel that I may be taking 13 years total together and dumping it way too quickly.

[stampdaddy]

Your comments on your daughter touch me and make me feel much better. Thank you. Thank YOU

I just keep looking so hard at myself now. I am drilling my flaws hard. Don't be too hard on the PAST, be proud that you recognize that you can change for the FUTURE. That's not an easy thing to do, BUT you are doing it!

Am I rushing this separation? NO

Did I not give her a chance to get over this? She's had MANY CHANCES

Can I change my interactions with her to help me learn what she really is all about? Yes, it's called separation

Can I become more consistent? Yes, you need to. You're all over the place

If I let go too much is all lost right than? NO!

Even if we reconcile can I ever get past this and make this a distant memory? Maybe, it would take a long time and ALOT of work. Scars rn deep in this one

I have 40+ years to live likely. In the scope of life is this whole thing just a moment or a way of being? Absolutely a moment.. Take advantage of the moment and MOVE FORWARD

Can I incorporate my current changes and keep them and gain more forever? Absolutely, I HAVE

I know I will never be 100% on any decision I make. I feel that I may be taking 13 years total together and dumping it way too quickly. You're not "dumping anything. You are growing and changing the dynamics of your relationship with your W.. You will ALWAYS have a R with her, maybe even the same 40 years you just mentioned, because of your Daughter

[heftysmurf]

I am going nuts. I had been good for three days till yesterday. Frig this sucks. I feel like I am 1 week past d-day agin. The crying the stupid desire to have her "get it".

I know it is fact being together is better for my daughter. If she is willing to change as I am and come super truthful I know we have a shot to make it through this.

I just want it now. Full disclosure. Full commitment. She must want it and I realize that.

That is why I labor. The separation could be avoided if she went full bore.

I can be her everything and her mine like we were in the beginning. That was lost and could come back.

I just feel forced in all of this. I want the separation 90% but that 10% is killing me. It could even be avoided if she went full bore.

1) Reinstate our contract

2) Send a NC letter

3) Continue MC

4) Start IC

5) Tell me what she has been doing on her computer lately and not worry about what I think. Tell me how she thinks.

Some may call me foolish after what she has done but I live this life. I live with the choices.

Dropping the past the furture could be so bright.

 

Man I sound desperate now that I look.

 

My love has always been crazy strong for her and our M. It was different than what she had.

 

We could have the same thing.

[Cobra_X30]

Man I sound desperate now that I look.

My love has always been crazy strong for her and our M. It was different than what she had.

We could have the same thing.

 

Your love seems desperate and needy. She feels this.

 

You need to show her your strength, confidence, and power. When she realizes that you dont Need her... only then will her mental fog clear.

 

This seperation may provide you that chance. Don't blow it!