I am so lost

[Darth Vader]

Wow that speaks volumes.

 

She sounded like a heartless b***h when you first posted about how long this affair had been going on. But even worse she's showing little remorse and doesn't even feel a thing for you.....she is only paying you lip service

 

If this is how she is continuing to behave you are better off getting her to leave and seeking sole custody of your daughter. Please do not bring your daughter up in such an environment. Your wife is sick and not a role model to your child.

 

I appreciate it is much harder to seperate when kids are involved. My brother and sister and I wish that our parents had made the split years ago when my dad found out about my mums infidelity. As it was they stayed to together for us kids and I can promise you our home life was not a happy one. Yeah you can try and put on a "front" for your kids sake but I can assure you that they will always see through it, just as we did.

 

 

Did they ever split?

[heftysmurf]

Two weeks and i am dying. My emotions flip like a switch.

[JustBreathe]

HS: does it help to know that two weeks after d-day EVERYONE'S emotions were flipping off and on back and forth? It's so normal. That feeling of destitution, loneliness, feeling like you're crazy, all of that. How could you not have those feelings having been so blindsided?

 

Don't worry. Your path will become clear to you one day and you will see what you need to do. You will quit flipping. The mental videos will stop playing.

 

May I offer some things that helped me in the beginning?

 

Lots of quiet alone time; relaxing things like sitting in the hot tub, long walks in the sun; join a gym or start a walking or jogging regime -- sweat sweat sweat it out; a journal where I wrote down all my emotions every day and ended it with an affirmation, jotting down at least one nice thing about myself or something I had done for someone else; watching funny old DVDs and cartoons with my boys as their laughter was uplifting; being of service to other people like listening to THEIR problems resisting the impulse to go into mine or helping them with something they needed out of kindness - feel good abut yourself stuff; 12 step meetings - you don't have to be an alcoholic for these. I went to Children of Alcoholics meetings for a time.

 

Well, that's all I can think of for now.

 

As for your wife's refusal to deal with your emotions - well that's just her wanting it to all go away as quickly as possible. She doesn't want to accept full responsibility so she sloughs part of it off on you - "you weren't good in bed" Whatever!! What was she doing to help you to feel like a man? Screwing your best friend? You said somewhere in your heart you knew she was doing it. That just miiiggghht affect your performance in the bedroom, now wouldn't it.

 

My H would say incredibly rotten things to me also - HAH .. it's all SUCH pure b.s. Don't believe any of it. She's hoping you will buy that brainwashing garbage and blame yourself for some of it. That you'll think you weren't good enough, fell short of the mark blahhh dee blahh - excuse me, SHE failed YOU. You had nothing to do with her mind f*ing behavior. It was a personal decision she made.

 

Look, you can always get a divorce. There's no deadline and a court in every county. But in the interim, do not let her jerk you around by insinuating you must bear some responsibility for her actions. When she starts her b.s. "you weren't" garbage, tell her point blank you didn't do anything to deserve it because you DIDN'T. You can't make her talk about it if she won't, but you can walk away from her if she can't meet your needs and won't do the work.

 

Good luck to you HS. Hang in! It does get better, it just takes time. Be good to yourself.

[ThumbingMyWay]

How did you manage to wait a year?

 

Two weeks and i am dying. My emotions flip like a switch.

 

 

That year is long gone, I endured it and the 2 after that. Its hard to go back and feel what I felt back then. I know what it felt like, but I dont "feel" it like I used too. if that makes sense. I made a choice to stay, it was a tough, I wont lie man, but I am glad I did now.

 

TIME brother, its your best friend and your enemy right now. Which one you choose to hang with will make a huge difference in the out come.

 

Two weeks, I know it hurts, I do, it f-ing sucks. I havent read everything, sorry for my lazieness, but have you scheduled with a MC yet? You should do that immeadiately.

[heftysmurf]

I am trying but man is it hard. You are right time is a bitch. My marriage really never started, as what she did was really really brutal. Read just my first post and you will see. In some ways I am shocked I am even trying. I just look at some of the good and put my daughters glasses on and pray I make the right choice. I give you a ton of credit for your patience.

I really think I will never get over it but can hopefully learn to deal with it. I just feel stuck in that I am expecting more now from her. Maybe it is because of how I am. If I was driving and killed a little girls dog I would cry and empathize to the nth degree.

How did your WS act that 1st year? How did you? Where did you get the patience from? What were your coping strategies? What did she do to show remorse? Somehow you found a way to some recovery and I am looking for a pinhole of light to guide me.

The knee jerk reaction is to give up. It is easier. Stop much of the pain. When kids are involved it changes the perspective tremendously.

[ThumbingMyWay]

How did your WS act that 1st year?

 

Well....we had d-day one in July 2004, which was a false truth....she said she had a ONS. We went to counsleing for 8 months, before she finnaly broke down and told me the truth March 2005 that she has been in an affair since late Dec 2003. So by the time she told me she was 18 months in....and I only knew about the first lie for the ladder 8 months. It was brutal....I died inside again....but we had 8 mo of MC under us, so that helped I guess. But I didnt leave. She confessed and ended it because we made ALOT of proggress in those 8 months, she just wasnt ready to stop it till she told me in March.

 

 

 

How did you?

I acted like I knew I had to, to do the things she was missing from me that we learned in MC. And that is waht helped her realise what she was doing and that I was still in love and wanted it to work.

 

 

Where did you get the patience from?

 

Faith in Jesus Christ

 

What were your coping strategies?

 

Faith and my kids, lots of reading about infedility and faith

 

What did she do to show remorse?

I cant name specifics, but she changed her ways big time., had a few bumps, but we stuck with it. True remorse didnt truely come until early 2006 when her mom died. I finaly felt her remorse, something I cant explain, it just felt genuine. I think seeing her mom die and seeing our kids and the family rally around, it made her realise how selfish she was. I think thats it too....when the WW can accept the selfishness they had. TO be abel to look inside your self and say, WTF am I doing. I got 2 yopung kids, a mortgage and faithfull attrachtive husband and here she was only thinking of herself the attention she got form OM.

 

The bottem line is, your wife needs to WANT to reconcile, if she is on the fence at all, it wotn work. and the OM needs to be COMPLETELY out of the picutres. Does his wife know you know? Complete disclousre should take place. If everyone knows, the cheaters cant hide anymore.

 

Your wife is have to have and 'ahhh' moment in order to see the truth and magnitude of her actions. That took a while for my wife to see clearly.

 

If I was in your shoes, man...5 out of 6 years...I just dont know....only you know what you can do...and God wont give you more than you cant handle.

 

time man....day by day, hour by hour.

 

 

 

 

[Chrome Barracuda]

I am trying but man is it hard. You are right time is a bitch. My marriage really never started, as what she did was really really brutal. Read just my first post and you will see. In some ways I am shocked I am even trying. I just look at some of the good and put my daughters glasses on and pray I make the right choice. I give you a ton of credit for your patience.

I really think I will never get over it but can hopefully learn to deal with it. I just feel stuck in that I am expecting more now from her. Maybe it is because of how I am. If I was driving and killed a little girls dog I would cry and empathize to the nth degree.

How did your WS act that 1st year? How did you? Where did you get the patience from? What were your coping strategies? What did she do to show remorse? Somehow you found a way to some recovery and I am looking for a pinhole of light to guide me.

The knee jerk reaction is to give up. It is easier. Stop much of the pain. When kids are involved it changes the perspective tremendously.

 

Give it time, if she doesnt change then you leave. Control your emotions as hard as that maybe. She's in shock too. You now know the truth!

[heftysmurf]

I swim from emotions. Wish they had a magic pill to leave them out of this!

[LifesontheUp]

Did they ever split?

 

Yes they did Darth. It all blew up when I was in the middle of my school exams........how caring eh?

 

As it happened all three of us kids left home as soon as we were able and my mum and dad started divorce proceedings. But they ended up living in seperate homes just across the street from each other Seems they couldn't live together but couldn't live without each other either..........how sick is that

 

As far as I'm concerned, it is never ever a good idea to stay for the childrens sake. Believe me they suffer.

[Darth Vader]

Yes they did Darth. It all blew up when I was in the middle of my school exams........how caring eh?

 

As it happened all three of us kids left home as soon as we were able and my mum and dad started divorce proceedings. But they ended up living in seperate homes just across the street from each other Seems they couldn't live together but couldn't live without each other either..........how sick is that

 

As far as I'm concerned, it is never ever a good idea to stay for the childrens sake. Believe me they suffer.

 

 

Sounds like they shouldn't be around each other!

If you don't mind me asking....... Is your mom one of those types that can't admit she was wrong? Has it even hit her that she destroyed her family!?

[blindsidedagain]

I hope you had some enjoyment on Thanksgiving. I know you are having a tough time, so hang in there. I am 5 weeks into this and I also don't know what to do. What I have learned however, is that the decisions are mine to make and I need to be comfortable with them. Should I stay or should I go?.......I can relate big time.

[heftysmurf]

It is ROUGH. I feel your pain. I wish we could go out for a beer and chat. Hope you at least had an OK Thanksgiving. Do not think you could hope for any better. My daughter made mine. I wish the holidays were over.

[LifesontheUp]

Sounds like they shouldn't be around each other!

If you don't mind me asking....... Is your mom one of those types that can't admit she was wrong? Has it even hit her that she destroyed her family!?

 

All these years later she still blames my dad and can't or won't believe that her 3 children disowned her because of the lying and cheating for all those years.

 

She left to be with the OM, but he didn't want her because he'd got someone else on the side.....he got fed up of waiting for her. So all those years of lying and cheating didn't get her anywhere but lonely.

 

My dad forgave her in so much as they went out occasionally to places together (she went and lived across the street from him ). My dad passed away suddenly a few years ago and she has noone really now. I see her very occasionally, but my brother and sister would not even give her the time of day.

 

Sorry for the t/j Hefty. Take your time, your emotions will be all over the place. Once you start to settle a little, you will be able to begin sorting through what YOU really want to do.

[Chrome Barracuda]

All these years later she still blames my dad and can't or won't believe that her 3 children disowned her because of the lying and cheating for all those years.

 

She left to be with the OM, but he didn't want her because he'd got someone else on the side.....he got fed up of waiting for her. So all those years of lying and cheating didn't get her anywhere but lonely.

 

My dad forgave her in so much as they went out occasionally to places together (she went and lived across the street from him ). My dad passed away suddenly a few years ago and she has noone really now. I see her very occasionally, but my brother and sister would not even give her the time of day.

 

Sorry for the t/j Hefty. Take your time, your emotions will be all over the place. Once you start to settle a little, you will be able to begin sorting through what YOU really want to do.

 

Wow, that's messed up life. Maybe you need to knock some sense in her head, give her an epiphany.

[heftysmurf]

For anybody going through this. Every ten minutes my feelings change. I go from happy not thinking about it for a minute to WTF run!

[heftysmurf]

I felt like she really did some things right. She held me, cried with me, said remorseful things, answered a big question for me, and acted like she wanted me.

I am not stupid however. That is one brick with 10,000 to go.

[White Flower]

I felt like she really did some things right. She held me, cried with me, said remorseful things, answered a big question for me, and acted like she wanted me.

I am not stupid however. That is one brick with 10,000 to go.

One day at a time, sweetheart. Hang in there. It sounds like she's opening up.

[Cobra_X30]

I felt like she really did some things right. She held me, cried with me, said remorseful things, answered a big question for me, and acted like she wanted me.

I am not stupid however. That is one brick with 10,000 to go.

 

Hefty! What are you doing for yourself right now?

 

The time for her is over! She will either begin laying the other 10,000 bricks, or not. You need to be doing everything you can to rebuild yourself, her actions and remorse would should only be a bonus for you!

[heftysmurf]

Where do I start?

In many ways feel I can move past this but man how the hell could anybody do this to me.

I am slowly starting to think about myself. It is a new way of thinking for me. I always thought daughter and family 1st. I never much cared for myself. I do not know what I want. I sacrificed all for everyone else.

Seeing it has been 3 weeks and I still feel like this do you or anybody have recomended courses of action. I f%^%ing hate this lost feeling. Time is not helping as much as I had hoped as I am still obsessing from anger, rage, and hope.

[Cobra_X30]

Where do I start?

In many ways feel I can move past this but man how the hell could anybody do this to me.

I am slowly starting to think about myself. It is a new way of thinking for me. I always thought daughter and family 1st. I never much cared for myself. I do not know what I want. I sacrificed all for everyone else.

Seeing it has been 3 weeks and I still feel like this do you or anybody have recomended courses of action. I f%^%ing hate this lost feeling. Time is not helping as much as I had hoped as I am still obsessing from anger, rage, and hope.

 

Hefty I can only imagine what your going through, cause I've never been there.

 

I've been where your daughter is at! I know how she will feel someday. If you want perspective on that, feel free to ask.

 

Your wife did this to you because you let her... because she could. Does that make sense?

 

All time will ever do is put distance between you and what happened. You cant sit around and wait for time to heal this. You should take action, and do it now! Do whatever you need to do to be happy! To be healthy. Thats what I recommend, workout, continue your career, rebuild your social life, and focus on your child!

[reboot]

Seeing it has been 3 weeks and I still feel like this do you or anybody have recomended courses of action.

My friend, 3 weeks is nothing. You're going to feel this way for much longer than that. Healing will be measured in years, not weeks. I know it's tough, I have been where you are. Sometimes I still am. Hang in there.

[heftysmurf]

I was wondering.

Today I feel odd. I was upset and angry at times. Then I got sick to my stomach.

[blindsidedagain]

You make me laugh!

[reboot]

About 2 1/2 years ago

[heftysmurf]

Two and a half years is a long time. I am not shifting in emotion as much but am upset big time still and I am hoping it let's up a bit. What was the primary motivator in you trying to work it out?