What to give?

[Girlsbestfriend1]

My 36 year old friend, who is overseas, has just told me that she left her husband 3 months ago for a guy who sits opposite her at work. She had been with her husband for 7 years (2 married) but said they had been having problems for a while, arguing a lot, even though she said that he really does love her and cares for her.

 

She says the guy at work has always been really nice to her (although she is very good looking) and is very 'sensitive', which she didn't think her husband was. She has worked with the guy for 20 months but only started to 'fall in love' with him over a period of 2 months after a big row she had with her husband. She never had any feelings for the new guy before that.

 

She says the new guy is sentive, however, he doesn't seem that sensitive to me when she told me he;

1. He told his wife that he had feelings for someone else (with her for 3 years) in a theme park when they were out with her son (not his son but he has been around from the ages 3 to 6 and the boy calls him 'Dad).

2. Still went home and had sex with his wife then for the next few days despite having told my friend a few days before that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He told her he did it out of 'guilt'.

3. Left my friend standing there alone when they bumped into her husband at a railway station 5 days after she left her husband for him.

4. It seems she is at least his 5th girl in 8 years - all from his office.

5. Her husband has complained that the guy has a smug grin the couple of times he has passed him at the office (yes, the husband works at the same office too, poor guy). She thinks the new guy has a 'nervous smile'.

 

She does have problems with her self esteem and I don't think she values herself as highly as she should do. Perhaps that's why she's with the new guy. She was always accusing her husband of having affairs even though he never did anything wrong (that we know of). She even said her husband asked her if she was very ill who would she want by her side and she admitted she'd want her husband. Neither can she say she's proud of the new guy.

 

It would be great to get the views and advice from anyone out there as I want to give her the best advice in this dangerous situation. She seems confused by the situation and says her 'head is numb'. I am the only person she has spoken to as she doesn't have any close friends where she lives and I want to make sure it's the best advice I can give her.

 

Thanks for your help.

[reboot]

The new guy is a complete assclown who will tear her heart to shreds. I sincerely hope her husband refuses to take her back when it happens. I will never understand how people can be so stupid.

[Cobra_X30]

The new guy is a complete assclown who will tear her heart to shreds. I sincerely hope her husband refuses to take her back when it happens. I will never understand how people can be so stupid.

 

Some poeple dont really have hearts Reboot. Not the way we do. She has a large mass of self serving insecurities where her heart should be.

[Stampy]

Good grief. The same story yet again - just different names. Tell her to google "emotional affair" if she has the guts. She will see that the EA has caused her to view her H in a negative light, not the other way around.

[Girlsbestfriend1]

Thank you all for your comments so far. I know it may be hard to understand but she actually really is a good person. The new guy has been really nice to her and she only found out all the bad stuff after she left her husband for him. She doesn't seem to have the strength to recognise the situation and break out of it. There is also obviously an element of denial.

 

Any advice from you guys with experience out there would be very much appreciated.

 

P.S. I saw an interesting line from a famous guy. "Circumstances don't make the man, they merely reveal who he really is." Seems kind of apt.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thank you all for your comments so far. I know it may be hard to understand but she actually really is a good person. The new guy has been really nice to her and she only found out all the bad stuff after she left her husband for him. She doesn't seem to have the strength to recognise the situation and break out of it. There is also obviously an element of denial.

 

Any advice from you guys with experience out there would be very much appreciated.

 

P.S. I saw an interesting line from a famous guy. "Circumstances don't make the man, they merely reveal who he really is." Seems kind of apt.

 

That's bull****, she made her bed now she has to lie in it, Forget that. She got what she deserved!!!

 

I wouldnt take her back if I was her husband. She walked away from a 7 years marriage for a guy she knew for only what 2 months!!!!

 

She's a complete assclown and the man she left him for will dump her the minute he gets tired of her! You think her husband would be so quick to take her back what happens if it happens a second time. She doesnt deserve to be married.

 

You tell her to make amends to her husband and leave the loser quick. And get into counceling asap because anyone who would just leave and have an affair over a fight has deep rooted issues that need to be addressed!

[notspiritual]

Your friend is stupid and if you say something against her affair she will probably kick you out of her life. Therefore pay attention at how you deliver the message.

 

I think she deserves her new assclown boyfriend as she is herself an assclown. Seriously, I would be suprised if you can reason with her.

 

This is another great example on how important it is for men to detect an emotional leech before commiting to marriage.

[Girlsbestfriend1]

Thanks again for your comments. It is also good to read your own threads and learn from your experiences.

 

Is there anyone out there that does think she has a chance with the new guy?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks again for your comments. It is also good to read your own threads and learn from your experiences.

 

Is there anyone out there that does think she has a chance with the new guy?

 

Are you smoking crack!!!!!???

 

What the hell, first she leaves her husband for her co-worker from which they both know, this guy is a serial cheater!!! who F's his co-workers!!!!!

He doesnt respect his own marriage!

 

And you ask if she has a chance with the new man!!!??!?!?!

 

WTF??????????????????????????????????????????

 

I think the friend is you. And you know what, you made your bed. You lie in it!!!!

 

If you cant see the red flags in front of your damn face clearly right in your eyes you deserve what you get!!!

[Girlsbestfriend1]

CB

 

Thanks for your comment. It's not easy to be on the other side of the world to your best friend (me in Australia, her in Europe) and be able to give her the right advice over the phone. I'd love to be able to sit down with her and talk for a few hours. It's hard for people to understand but she really is a good person but she's pretty mixed up right now - easy to say from the outside.

 

To be honest it seems like all the comments are coming from guys and it would be nice to hear something from a few girls.

 

I'm also wondering whether to send her the link to this thread.

 

Thanks again.

GBF1

[LucreziaBorgia]

It would be great to get the views and advice from anyone out there as I want to give her the best advice in this dangerous situation. She seems confused by the situation and says her 'head is numb'. I am the only person she has spoken to as she doesn't have any close friends where she lives and I want to make sure it's the best advice I can give her.

 

I wish I could tell you it is something easy to do but it isn't. Your friend is not only 'in love', but she is 'in love' in such a way that represents escape from a marriage she saw as unhappy. You have 'in love' paired with false hope and wishful thinking on top of that. She thinks she is in love with him when she is really in love with the idea of escape and the chance at a happier life. She will not let you or anyone else talk her out of this. You could show her a video of him screwing someone else, and she would accuse you of faking it to steal her happiness away from her. Why? Because she has so far deluded herself that nothing will sway her at this point. She didn't run toward this new guy. She ran away from her problems and her perceived unhappiness. You could probably sway her away from the new guy, but you would have to drag her kicking and screaming to go back to something she felt she has been lucky enough to escape from. This new guy represents that escape. It won't be easy to convince her to let go of what she sees as her freedom and happiness.

 

I'm not saying that you should give up, but understand that you are trying to talk her out of something that she very much does not want to give up. In order to entice her to give this up on her own, she will need to be convinced that her husband is the better option. She will only be convinced of that when she sees that going back does not mean going back to problems and unhappiness. Her husband will have to work to show her that she has something worth coming back to. Is her husband willing to do that? Do you know him well enough to suggest that he post on Marriagebuilders or SurvivingInfidelity (google them to find the sites) to get some help with that?

 

Does she have a chance with this guy? Sure, she has a chance at being the next person he screws around on. You can count on that. When she sees she traded in her marriage for a philanderer, she will likely begin to wake up. We can only hope.

[Girlsbestfriend1]

LB

 

Thanks for your comments which really seem to hit the spot. Apparently her father had said to her that the new guy is probably only a crutch. Her husband is a good man but apparently got too focused on his work and as a result was not very relaxed. She knows he was only trying to be a success for their security and future.

 

He said he would get whatever help he needed to change but she said it would be easier if she didn't have such strong feelings for the new guy.

 

GBF1

[Gunny376]

I'd dump her like a bad habit ~ she would be going? She'd be gone!!!!!!! I would be the answer to her dreams.

 

The OM slept with his wife because he wanted sex, gulit had nothing to do with it!

 

Life's too damn short to be wasting it on a confused, lying, cheating, whoring woman (or man). I can deal with a woman cheating on me, I just can't deal with all the BS (lies, head-games, confussion, etc.) that comes with it. A woman doesn't want to be with me? Isn't "feeling it" anymore? Fine! Don't let the door hit you in the @ss as you get to "steppin'!

 

And, BTW? There won't be any "reconcilation" ~ getting back together! She made her bed hard? She'll just have to learn how to sleep in it!"

[Snowdog]

WOW! I`ve come to this site and this problem pretty late on, but where do you start? GBF is telling a story very similar to one which I was close to when my Sister, late 30`s, Married 3 years, together almost 8 years, had an "affair" with a work colleague. She too had been having problems in her marriage. She freely admits now that the whole thing was a huge mistake and nearly a disaster! luckily for her, her husband, a good guy, took the long view of her cheating as he felt that he had taken his "eye off the ball" for quite a while regarding their marriage. His focus shifted too far towards their future security (see "the long view") and he says he neglected the some of the details of daily married life.

 

It seemed the catalyst for that unhappy state becoming an affair was not just the unhappy state of mind of the individual, but it also required a rat of the first order, e.g the co-worker, to take advantage. In both cases I think the boundaries were crossed as soon as the guard was down. Just what this type of predator waits for. They don`t forge relationships from the ground up in the traditional and healthy way. far easier to wait until someone they have kept close to is in need and vulnerable, then move in to kill off any chance of a reconcilliation. They frequently "switch horses" half way thru a race if the one they are on looks like falling behind.

 

Work colleagues are in many ways in a privileged position, as it is common when we frequently spend more time at work these than we do with our Wives/Husbands. They get to hear much of the details of our personal lives and often eventually become part of them themselves as friends perhaps.

This happened with my sister and this appears to be the case with GBF.

 

The list of points detailing some of the facts GBF1, make pretty scary reading. This guy sound like a borderline Psychopath! He displays a lot of the tendencies, he has multiple relationships (5th girl in 8 years) seems content to use people to jump from one relationship to the next, has shown no remorse for either the wife he left, the kid who knew him as dad, the husband who he had known, or most likely the long-term happiness of GBF`S friend as she will surely, in time, become another victim of this relentless self-indulgent parasite for who people appear to exist just to make him feel good.

 

I would always be suspicious GBF of "relationships" that start from within an existing one. In my experience it is very rare that we see things/people for what they really are when we are looking out from the inside. How many scenario`s there are where we those on the outside look at things differently than those within.

 

When we are unhappy in a relationship I think it is easy to drift towards the simpest solution which is to get out of it, especially when there is someone hovering, ready to say and do the right things to make it seem like the grass really is greener in the other side. It`s human nature after all to seek to get away from the things in life that are causing us pain or anxiety. That is however, never going to solve any real problems if we are simply planning to move straight into another relationship. It merely postpones the need to deal with the real issues for now. The new relationship looks like the solution chiefly because it is not old. it has not yet been tested by time, by adversity, by hardship, uncertainty, monotony and many other trials that in the fullness of time actually serve to bond, cement and strengthen a relationship.

 

YOUR FRIEND SEEMS TO HAVE SIMPLY SWAPPED ONE SET OF PROBLEMS FOR ANOTHER. It appears she was in a loving and and caring, If sometimes unfulfilling relationship. Now she is is in a DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIP. She thought things weren`t great with her husband when they were merely what most of us encounter at sometime or another in marriage.

 

Now she is with a man who has a proven record of INFIDELITY, (HE DUMPED HIS WIFE AND KID! and she has issues with SECURITY?) SO HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT HOME!!

 

He also showed no regard for the feelings of her husband despite them working for the same company and he took advantage of her when she needed just some friendly advice. SO HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT WORK!!

 

And he showed his overall regard for her as his NEW PARTNER and abandoned her in the street when they bumped into her husband,

(an instinctive and telling reaction showing his first instinct for SELF-PRESERVATION) (circumstances don`t make the man, they merely reveal who really is) SO HE CANNOT EVEN BE TRUSTED AS A MAN!!

 

I guess you could say that this is the difference between a marriage and just going out with someone. Even some people I`ve known that live together without being married (not all) have felt that if things don`t go their way then they can just leave. While that`s fine if BOTH parties know this and there are no kids or property to consider, that is clearly not the case with marriage (or else what`s the point?)

 

If what GBF`s friend wants is to be in a long term, loving, caring and fullfilling relationship, then I fear she has made a mistake.

While it obviously is not always the case that the marriage is salvageable, it is in this case crucial for your friend to break away from a damaging and destructive relationship, one that has only come to life after a big argument with her husband, (FUNNY HOW THAT HAPPENS HUH?) and try to look at her marriage and new situation from the outside, as others can.

Her husband seems like a decent guy who knows he has made mistakes. If he still wants her back some time in the future (as my Bro` in-law did) then she still has it all to play for. If he doesn`t then your friend still needs to get away from this new man for the sake of her own future independent of either man.

 

She should seek Counselling from a professional. I think it could be invaluable in exploring some of the stated issues surrounding self esteem and confidence etc. While these feelings visit us all from time to time, it is when their impact upon in these negatively life changing ways that they need addressing.

 

However by stepping back, taking stock, listening to friends such as yourself who clearly have only her best intentions at heart, she should see that the first thing she can do to start improving her happiness (because despite being in a new relationship, she doesn`t sound happy) is to at least take a break from the new guy and start from there.

 

I wish you well GBF1 and your friend. We can all use a friend like you now and then, my sister had a few thankfully and things have really turned around for her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

WOW! I`ve come to this site and this problem pretty late on, but where do you start? GBF is telling a story very similar to one which I was close to when my Sister, late 30`s, Married 3 years, together almost 8 years, had an "affair" with a work colleague. She too had been having problems in her marriage. She freely admits now that the whole thing was a huge mistake and nearly a disaster! luckily for her, her husband, a good guy, took the long view of her cheating as he felt that he had taken his "eye off the ball" for quite a while regarding their marriage. His focus shifted too far towards their future security (see "the long view") and he says he neglected the some of the details of daily married life.

 

It seemed the catalyst for that unhappy state becoming an affair was not just the unhappy state of mind of the individual, but it also required a rat of the first order, e.g the co-worker, to take advantage. In both cases I think the boundaries were crossed as soon as the guard was down. Just what this type of predator waits for. They don`t forge relationships from the ground up in the traditional and healthy way. far easier to wait until someone they have kept close to is in need and vulnerable, then move in to kill off any chance of a reconcilliation. They frequently "switch horses" half way thru a race if the one they are on looks like falling behind.

 

Work colleagues are in many ways in a privileged position, as it is common when we frequently spend more time at work these than we do with our Wives/Husbands. They get to hear much of the details of our personal lives and often eventually become part of them themselves as friends perhaps.

This happened with my sister and this appears to be the case with GBF.

 

The list of points detailing some of the facts GBF1, make pretty scary reading. This guy sound like a borderline Psychopath! He displays a lot of the tendencies, he has multiple relationships (5th girl in 8 years) seems content to use people to jump from one relationship to the next, has shown no remorse for either the wife he left, the kid who knew him as dad, the husband who he had known, or most likely the long-term happiness of GBF`S friend as she will surely, in time, become another victim of this relentless self-indulgent parasite for who people appear to exist just to make him feel good.

 

I would always be suspicious GBF of "relationships" that start from within an existing one. In my experience it is very rare that we see things/people for what they really are when we are looking out from the inside. How many scenario`s there are where we those on the outside look at things differently than those within.

 

When we are unhappy in a relationship I think it is easy to drift towards the simpest solution which is to get out of it, especially when there is someone hovering, ready to say and do the right things to make it seem like the grass really is greener in the other side. It`s human nature after all to seek to get away from the things in life that are causing us pain or anxiety. That is however, never going to solve any real problems if we are simply planning to move straight into another relationship. It merely postpones the need to deal with the real issues for now. The new relationship looks like the solution chiefly because it is not old. it has not yet been tested by time, by adversity, by hardship, uncertainty, monotony and many other trials that in the fullness of time actually serve to bond, cement and strengthen a relationship.

 

YOUR FRIEND SEEMS TO HAVE SIMPLY SWAPPED ONE SET OF PROBLEMS FOR ANOTHER. It appears she was in a loving and and caring, If sometimes unfulfilling relationship. Now she is is in a DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIP. She thought things weren`t great with her husband when they were merely what most of us encounter at sometime or another in marriage.

 

Now she is with a man who has a proven record of INFIDELITY, (HE DUMPED HIS WIFE AND KID! and she has issues with SECURITY?) SO HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT HOME!!

 

He also showed no regard for the feelings of her husband despite them working for the same company and he took advantage of her when she needed just some friendly advice. SO HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT WORK!!

 

And he showed his overall regard for her as his NEW PARTNER and abandoned her in the street when they bumped into her husband,

(an instinctive and telling reaction showing his first instinct for SELF-PRESERVATION) (circumstances don`t make the man, they merely reveal who really is) SO HE CANNOT EVEN BE TRUSTED AS A MAN!!

 

I guess you could say that this is the difference between a marriage and just going out with someone. Even some people I`ve known that live together without being married (not all) have felt that if things don`t go their way then they can just leave. While that`s fine if BOTH parties know this and there are no kids or property to consider, that is clearly not the case with marriage (or else what`s the point?)

 

If what GBF`s friend wants is to be in a long term, loving, caring and fullfilling relationship, then I fear she has made a mistake.

While it obviously is not always the case that the marriage is salvageable, it is in this case crucial for your friend to break away from a damaging and destructive relationship, one that has only come to life after a big argument with her husband, (FUNNY HOW THAT HAPPENS HUH?) and try to look at her marriage and new situation from the outside, as others can.

Her husband seems like a decent guy who knows he has made mistakes. If he still wants her back some time in the future (as my Bro` in-law did) then she still has it all to play for. If he doesn`t then your friend still needs to get away from this new man for the sake of her own future independent of either man.

 

She should seek Counselling from a professional. I think it could be invaluable in exploring some of the stated issues surrounding self esteem and confidence etc. While these feelings visit us all from time to time, it is when their impact upon in these negatively life changing ways that they need addressing.

 

However by stepping back, taking stock, listening to friends such as yourself who clearly have only her best intentions at heart, she should see that the first thing she can do to start improving her happiness (because despite being in a new relationship, she doesn`t sound happy) is to at least take a break from the new guy and start from there.

 

I wish you well GBF1 and your friend. We can all use a friend like you now and then, my sister had a few thankfully and things have really turned around for her.

 

Yeah I agree she's a good friend, but as a good friend you dont let others that you care for blatantly destroy their lives. You dont let them make decisions that will hurt others. You cannot sit back and do nothing. If she walks away from you as a friend then you know she doesnt value the truth and doesnt want to hear it. Your friend is in the fog.

 

Even if you heard from females on this board they would tell you the same thing everyone else is telling you. The sky is blue.

[Snowdog]

Yeah I agree she's a good friend, but as a good friend you dont let others that you care for blatantly destroy their lives. You dont let them make decisions that will hurt others. You cannot sit back and do nothing. If she walks away from you as a friend then you know she doesnt value the truth and doesnt want to hear it. Your friend is in the fog.

 

Even if you heard from females on this board they would tell you the same thing everyone else is telling you. The sky is blue.

 

 

It`s definitely a tough one. When you have a friend you care about you have sometimes got to let them make their own mistakes. However in this case the "Chrome one" has a point that you don`t let them make decisions that destroy their lives. Hopefully going head-to-head with the friend on this one won`t cause a lasting rift as GBF is clearly well motivated with nothing but the best intentions.

 

As for the fog, well that`s probably at the crux of the whole thing here. It was the same in my sister`s case,at least for a while, that their decision making processes were severely clouded. One bad choice can lead to another. Especially when there is no-one around to give good advice. Often, people with low self-esteem won`t accept criticism. They don`t see it as constructive as it takes a strong person to admit their mistakes. They will often react by compounding the problem by "digging in" and this entrenched position means they can sometimes shut out all dissenting voices. If your not with them, you`re against them. Doubly likely in cases where a manipulative influence is at work as with the NEW MAN. (While we all know the sky is blue, This guy has probably convinced her it`s black )

 

However, all is not lost. As long as GBF treads carefully maybe both goals can be achieved, first and foremost, the end of the new relationship. secondly a dialogue with the husband, free from the destructive influence this new relationship will surely bring if left to run it`s course. Otherwise GBF`s friend will, I fear, end up like many that have gone before her, maybe too late to ever make any meaningful, fulfilling relationship in her life. As a 36 yr old woman she must think about that if having Children are part of her worldview.

 

So females... is the sky blue?.. or are we missing something here?

[Chrome Barracuda]

It`s definitely a tough one. When you have a friend you care about you have sometimes got to let them make their own mistakes. However in this case the "Chrome one" has a point that you don`t let them make decisions that destroy their lives. Hopefully going head-to-head with the friend on this one won`t cause a lasting rift as GBF is clearly well motivated with nothing but the best intentions.

 

As for the fog, well that`s probably at the crux of the whole thing here. It was the same in my sister`s case,at least for a while, that their decision making processes were severely clouded. One bad choice can lead to another. Especially when there is no-one around to give good advice. Often, people with low self-esteem won`t accept criticism. They don`t see it as constructive as it takes a strong person to admit their mistakes. They will often react by compounding the problem by "digging in" and this entrenched position means they can sometimes shut out all dissenting voices. If your not with them, you`re against them. Doubly likely in cases where a manipulative influence is at work as with the NEW MAN. (While we all know the sky is blue, This guy has probably convinced her it`s black )

 

However, all is not lost. As long as GBF treads carefully maybe both goals can be achieved, first and foremost, the end of the new relationship. secondly a dialogue with the husband, free from the destructive influence this new relationship will surely bring if left to run it`s course. Otherwise GBF`s friend will, I fear, end up like many that have gone before her, maybe too late to ever make any meaningful, fulfilling relationship in her life. As a 36 yr old woman she must think about that if having Children are part of her worldview.

 

So females... is the sky blue?.. or are we missing something here?

 

The Chrome One..... I like it.

 

Yeah anyway's alot of times when people you know are telling you the truth and you dont want to hear it, seriously you need to. But she may end up just getting hung up on. That's a risk she's gonna have to take.

[Snowdog]

The Chrome One..... I like it.

 

Yeah anyway's alot of times when people you know are telling you the truth and you dont want to hear it, seriously you need to. But she may end up just getting hung up on. That's a risk she's gonna have to take.

 

 

 

Yeah it has to be done. Otherwise GBF1 you may end up invited over sometime for dinner with your friend and her complete Bastard of a two-faced boyfriend, thinking "I should have said something sooner". Go with your gut instinct. You, at least, will respect yourself afterwards, regardless of the outcome.

 

I for one would like to hear what comes of it. Good luck!

[Girlsbestfriend1]

Snowdog, CB, Gunny, LB and others

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to make such helpful and insightful comments. As I wrote the original thread it was as clear as anything that the new guy is not a healthy option. It's funny when you see it in black & white print how obvious it is.

 

As she hasn't spoken to anyone else (apart from a brief chat with her father) I needed to get as many independent views as possible to back up my opinion, otherwise she just thinks of me as only one opinion (I almost thought of getting a petition going here to get as many views as possible to give to her!).

 

I've now got to try and talk to her over the phone which is hard considering the time differnce between Europe and Australia. Also she is just in a small studio apartment with the new guy so it's hard to call her at home.

 

We'll just have to make time to talk.

Thanks again and the more opinions the better.

GBF1

[notspiritual]

I say don’t blame the new boyfriend. It was also her choice to cheat. No one forced her to leave her husband. Maybe she found someone she “deserves” more. Most people create their own suffering, it is one of the laws of the universe and we can't do anything about it. But we can be happy for the husband that his life is going to change for the better.

[Darth Vader]

Snowdog, CB, Gunny, LB and others

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to make such helpful and insightful comments. As I wrote the original thread it was as clear as anything that the new guy is not a healthy option. It's funny when you see it in black & white print how obvious it is.

 

As she hasn't spoken to anyone else (apart from a brief chat with her father) I needed to get as many independent views as possible to back up my opinion, otherwise she just thinks of me as only one opinion (I almost thought of getting a petition going here to get as many views as possible to give to her!).

 

I've now got to try and talk to her over the phone which is hard considering the time differnce between Europe and Australia. Also she is just in a small studio apartment with the new guy so it's hard to call her at home.

 

We'll just have to make time to talk.

Thanks again and the more opinions the better.

GBF1

 

 

It's obvious lady that this new man, or whatever is a Player, and a Predator!

[Girlsbestfriend1]

Hi all

 

Spoke to her yesterday and gave her my thoughts but haven't sent her this thread yet. She says that she feels guilty every minute of the day and still can't think straight. Do people in her position, if they really are crazy for another man, feel this guilt? I thought when people fall heavily for someone else don't give a damn about the BS?

[4whatItsWorth]

GBF1, it's admirable you want to help your friend see it more clearly. I wish my friends had been more caring when it came to my ex, he was bad for me but they never really dared mentioning anything because they all thought there was no point. But most of times, you just need someone else's perspective on it.

 

Perhaps you could ask her that if roles were reversed, if you or her husband was in her position - what advice would she give? Would she really, with all the evidence, not tell the person to give the marriage a second chance? If she wanted to escape the marriage...she should have done it for herself, not because of someone else (ie the working guy).

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hi all

 

Spoke to her yesterday and gave her my thoughts but haven't sent her this thread yet. She says that she feels guilty every minute of the day and still can't think straight. Do people in her position, if they really are crazy for another man, feel this guilt? I thought when people fall heavily for someone else don't give a damn about the BS?

 

The guilt for her is a good thing because she knwos she's wrong bottom line. She's pulled a jackass move and it's only a matter of time before the OM cheats on her and gives her an STD but those are the consequences when you cheat!

 

I think the husband should leave her. and you should stop trying to enable the affair! Tell her it's wrong. and she's throwing away her life for nothing.

 

Which is what it is.

[Girlsbestfriend1]

Hi 4WIW, CB

 

I actually said for her to imagine it was her sister or a best friend. It's hard to be able to get good contact with her given the locations/time difference.

 

I read in other threads where people talk about the fog and WS's not being able to think clearly and do the right thing. I wonder how it is best to approach people when they are in this 'Fog'? How long does it take them to shake out of it? Can you shake them out of it?