The link between alcohol and verbal abuse

[almostthere]

I am with the greatest guy I could ever hope to find. He is supportive, loving, attentive and helpful. He is my best friend. we have a ring on layaway and my kids love him. My mom even loves him and no one i have ever been with was ever good enough in her eyes.

 

BUT....sometimes he drinks too much and this side of him comes out. it's probably once every one or two months. He yells, throws things, walks out on me at bars and I have to drive around trying to find him but never do. My neighbors call the cops on him. Last time we lost about $300 due to him getting handcuffed to tightly and driven 20 minutes away to his brothers so he could sober up. He swore he would never do it again and I didnt believe him but thought that I was important enough to him to try. then this past weekend he starts again. he calls me a slut, says I hate his family and kids, I am a slew of bad names and eventually he walked out on me. 15 minutes later I call his cell and he has to let me go because he broke a bar door (he walked from our house to a bar) and had to pay $300 on the spot or get arrested. so I lost another $300 just to his drunken stupidity.

 

Here's what i am struggling with. if he does not change can i deal with this once a month? is how wonderful he is sober enough to take away all the hurt he causes in one night? will he get worse? he does not use alcohol but a few times a month and those occassions he is fine. It is the once a month binge that kills it. He NEVER has said anything hurtful to me sober in 2 and half years. everything bad he has said is when and only when he is drunk.

 

Do i give up the best thing ive found because of a once a month drinking binge? I dont have any faith in him that it wont happen again. I am staying long enough to see what happens. I know in the back of my mind I am foolish but i love him and I need him to show me he cannot do it before i walk away. Plus, i havent made any arrangements yet on moving back with my mom because I dont want her to know what is going on. But i have been through this with my exhusband and if he fails then i will him too.

[reboot]

It likely won't be once a month forever. Eventually it will probably be two or three times a month... then once a week... then....

[Tripper]

He is a binge alcoholic. Right now it's once a month but as time progresses the intervals may shorten. And there is no guarantee that you won't become a target to his violence or nasty behaviour.

 

Unless he is going to stop his drinking completely ie: AA and stay sober this side of him will never change.

 

Do yourself a favour and lose this guy. Find someone who doesn't have a drinking problem.

[Citizen Erased]

I am with the greatest guy I could ever hope to find. He is supportive, loving, attentive and helpful. He is my best friend. we have a ring on layaway and my kids love him. My mom even loves him and no one i have ever been with was ever good enough in her eyes.

 

BUT....sometimes he drinks too much and this side of him comes out. it's probably once every one or two months. He yells, throws things, walks out on me at bars and I have to drive around trying to find him but never do. My neighbors call the cops on him. Last time we lost about $300 due to him getting handcuffed to tightly and driven 20 minutes away to his brothers so he could sober up. He swore he would never do it again and I didnt believe him but thought that I was important enough to him to try. then this past weekend he starts again. he calls me a slut, says I hate his family and kids, I am a slew of bad names and eventually he walked out on me. 15 minutes later I call his cell and he has to let me go because he broke a bar door (he walked from our house to a bar) and had to pay $300 on the spot or get arrested. so I lost another $300 just to his drunken stupidity.

 

Here's what i am struggling with. if he does not change can i deal with this once a month? is how wonderful he is sober enough to take away all the hurt he causes in one night? will he get worse? he does not use alcohol but a few times a month and those occassions he is fine. It is the once a month binge that kills it. He NEVER has said anything hurtful to me sober in 2 and half years. everything bad he has said is when and only when he is drunk.

 

Do i give up the best thing ive found because of a once a month drinking binge? I dont have any faith in him that it wont happen again. I am staying long enough to see what happens. I know in the back of my mind I am foolish but i love him and I need him to show me he cannot do it before i walk away. Plus, i havent made any arrangements yet on moving back with my mom because I dont want her to know what is going on. But i have been through this with my exhusband and if he fails then i will him too.

 

It doesn'tmatter how drunk he is, there is absolutely no excuse for him to treat you this way.

 

All signs point to yes he will get worse. I have lived with an alcoholic before, and my bf's father is certainly on his way to becoming one. They steadily get worse as time goes by.

 

It doesn't matter if he treats you like a queen. As soon as he drinks and treats you in this way his niceness is completely counted out.

[melodymatters]

I'm so sorry, but it doesn't look good.

 

In my 40 yrs, I have had 2 guys like this and both were alcoholics. One was so bad it killed him ( and our marriage) and one could work a 60 hr a week job and treated me like a princess, but when he let loose on weekends, WATCH OUT ! We were cool for over a year, because I could talk him down, or ignore him on these " monthly" occasions, and he would eventually pass out, but One day, he got drunk and bashed my head repeatedly into my car hood, DENTING it.

 

The prognosis is NOT GOOD, and like the other poster says, unless he abstains completely, you are in for a world of hurt. And, you have kids.

 

I think you might need to let this one go, unless he starts and stays with AA

[almostthere]

I guess it might be helpful in adding that this used to happen a lot more frequently until we noticed the patterns and everything else. He has curbed it alot and he thought he could just be a casual drinker. For example only a few drinks. But I saw the change in his attitude quickly after 2 drinks this weekend and i tried to warn him it was starting to happen but i guess it made him mad because he thought i thought he had no control over it...which he didnt. Well he did but he was at the point of no return and then sarcasm and name calling follows quickly after that.

 

So we have managed to cut it down from 2 to 3 times a months (at its worse not the average) to once every month or two. he wants to change and is changing but sometimes i just feel hopeless or i guess at this point i dont trust that he will. I should give him credit for lowering it but at the same time its still too often for me. even one more time ten years from now is too hurtful for me. And i know if it happens again he will be arrested. last time they just brought him to his brothers.

[Tripper]

I guess it might be helpful in adding that this used to happen a lot more frequently until we noticed the patterns and everything else. He has curbed it alot and he thought he could just be a casual drinker. For example only a few drinks. But I saw the change in his attitude quickly after 2 drinks this weekend and i tried to warn him it was starting to happen but i guess it made him mad because he thought i thought he had no control over it...which he didnt. Well he did but he was at the point of no return and then sarcasm and name calling follows quickly after that.

 

So we have managed to cut it down from 2 to 3 times a months (at its worse not the average) to once every month or two. he wants to change and is changing but sometimes i just feel hopeless or i guess at this point i dont trust that he will. I should give him credit for lowering it but at the same time its still too often for me. even one more time ten years from now is too hurtful for me. And i know if it happens again he will be arrested. last time they just brought him to his brothers.

 

There is no "control" for an alcoholic. They are either drinking and on there way to bottoming out or sober and NEVER EVER touching a drop. To stop this behaviour he has to stop ANY consumption of alcohol. Period.

That said alcoholics won't stop until they bottom out. For some it's the loss of a job, a wife and/or family for others it's the loss of their life. Don't mean to be harsh but I have seen this first hand.

You sound like a very compassionate person. You can give support but he has to make the decision to stop his drinking. Good Luck.

[Citizen Erased]

There is no "control" for an alcoholic. They are either drinking and on there way to bottoming out or sober and NEVER EVER touching a drop. To stop this behaviour he has to stop ANY consumption of alcohol. Period.

That said alcoholics won't stop until they bottom out. For some it's the loss of a job, a wife and/or family for others it's the loss of their life. Don't mean to be harsh but I have seen this first hand.

You sound like a very compassionate person. You can give support but he has to make the decision to stop his drinking. Good Luck.

 

 

Well my mums now ex lost his job, his family refused to see him any longer and my mother finally broke it off with him. He died in a bar earlier this year

 

Alcohol is their number one priority. I know with my mothers ex, he treated my mum horribly because she got in the way of his drinking. He hated me because I tipped his alcohol down the sink. He lost his job because he would turn up to work with either a hangover or incredibly drunk and mistreated the kids. But he kept on drinking. He lost his licence, so he went to rehab. He was going to jail. He turned up to his court appearance stumbling drunk.

 

I am not saying this will happen to your husband, this is an EXTREME case. But I have lived with one. I heard my mum called a slut. I was called a conniving bitch from when I was 14 years old. Then he would sober up and buy us jewellery, cook us dinner, be incredibly nice. But if there were good time, I certainly only remember the emotional abuse (and my mother the physical as well).

[uniqueone]

If an alcoholic is the "best thing i've found" then you need to get out more often.

 

It's one thing if you want to put up with this yourself. It's another thing to expose your kids to this. You owe it to your kids not to.

 

You're dealing with an alcoholic. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. That's not a guess...it's a promise.

 

Those two people that you see in him are called Jekyl and Hyde and eventually you'll start seeing more of Dr. Jekyl.