Crestfallen_KH Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 I'm currently going through a divorce that should be final in about 5-6 weeks. I didn't want it, but my husband has moved on with his affair partner and I felt that hanging around and "waiting it out" was seriously preventing me from moving on and healing. I definitely don't expect the "emotional divorce" to be over when the paper divorce is final, but for those of you who have experienced divorce, did you find that your marriage being "officially over" helped you emotionally, or did it make things worse, or was there no change at all? We don't have children, so we will have no need to stay in touch at all, which may help in my healing, but I guess I'm nervous that I am expecting things to "feel better" somehow when the judgment is final. I do expect that I may break down and have some bad days, but overall I am hoping that it will be helpful for me emotionally. Am I just fooling myself? Link to post Share on other sites
redblack66 Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 All situations and pain are different, but you don't have children. This may sound cynical, but be very, very thankful that you do not have to deal with children and all the pain involved. So, if I were you, I would just try to forget and move on. So, discontinue all contacts, 100% and you will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 You might want to go to the "Quick Links" pull down tab in the overhead bar and scroll down to "Member's List". Look for Dgiirl and check out some of her posts. She's inspirational. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 I got divorced 17 years ago? I still love her? I always will. She's the mother of my children! I would NEVER date anyone like her again! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Well my wife left me in January. The divorce was finalized in September. Having the divorce done did solidify things and make moving on easier in some ways. But the emotional divorce and healing still goes on. So the short answer is yes it helped a little. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 I felt relieved when it was final. Only because it was over. It wasn't "I'm getting divorced" but now "I am divorced". I don't know what kind of wife you were but for me I respected my marriage with fidelity until I wasn't married anymore. It was strange making eye contact again. I liked knowing where it all stood. The settlement. It wasn't bickering back and forth anymore. It wasn't wondering anymore. It wasn't "I am suppose to get divorced on so-and-so date". It happened. It was done. For me it was as if a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to close a chapter of my life. And that felt good. XO Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I dont know if the divorce being "final" helped me in my healing that much. I remember being very sad about it for a month or two after, but during the same time, I had already started embracing my "new" life and I had very little reminders of him in my day to day life. In a small way, it does help knowing that it's final, that there's no more waiting for it to happen. For me, the divorce process was pretty drawn out and it was pretty stressful. Not because of asshat, but because the lawyers could not get the papers right, and I had reminders every few weeks/months that kept poking at my wounds. I had reached the point where I just wanted it over with, so not having the reminders of pending divorce pop up unexpectedly was helpful to a small extent. But the effort I made in healing was much more helpful than anything else. It takes time and effort to heal. It doesnt happen over night. But I embraced my new life and made the necessary changes to make my life BETTER than it was while married. I made a vow to myself very early that even tho I did not make the decision to divorce, I was going to make that decision the best decision for me by making my life SO much better than it ever was when I was married. I'm a very completely different person now than I was when married. I've made the changes necessary for me to be happy. I'm a lot more independent and I challenge myself more. I'm a lot more outgoing and have a much bigger social life. I'm a lot more confident in myself, a lot more happier, a lot more appreciative of everything and everyone. I have a lot more friends, a lot more hobbies, a lot more new skills and experiences. Sometimes I look in the mirror and do not recognize me. I reflect on all the changes I've made and how I went from the darkest saddest painful time of my life to the best, happiest, joyful time of my life, and I'm proud of myself. I do all these brand new things I never would have done when I was married. Simple little things that might seem insignificant to the average person, but because of my experience, I've learned to be more appreciative of just the simplest pleasures in life. If you want to be happy, change the way you think. Dont dwell on all the things you lost, but dwell on all the things you've gained. About 80% of the people I currently know in my life, who mean a LOT to me, I would never had met if I had not been divorced. ALL of the changes I've made and joyous experiences I've had since my separation, I would never have had had I not been divorced. The divorce is not what I wanted, but it's the best thing to have ever had happened to me. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 About 80% of the people I currently know in my life, who mean a LOT to me, I would never had met if I had not been divorced. ALL of the changes I've made and joyous experiences I've had since my separation, I would never have had had I not been divorced. Yea, don't forget about the "BIG SCREEN" TV!!!!! On a more serious note, my W is working thru losing her best friend, she passed away over a month ago & today she went to her first class. We were talking & some of the things she was talking about sounded just like a divorce to me. I feel a divorce is like a death, you lose someone at sometime you did care for a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I was over my ex by the time the divorce was finalized, but we were separated for over two years, which is about how much it took me to get over. We were married for only 2-3 years though (can't even be precise, since the marriage was on and off for three years). I have two kids with him and it was painful to see him coming to pick them up. I did stupid things: called him in the middle of the night, cried, begged... yuck. Don't do that ever. It doesn't help, it only makes you feel worse and men hate weak women who humiliate themselves. If you're separated, don't contact him unless you have to. Keep the conversations short, but friendly, for your own sake. He was not the right guy for you. Divorces happen and if you manage to view them as a new beginning instead of an unhappy ending, you'll be fine soon. It might take a while to get over him. What helps is NOT to dwell on your misery. Cry your pain out for a few minutes then do something else. Try to divert your thoughts from him unless you're thinking about what a jerk he is. Make some changes in your life, meet new people. Be merciful to yourself; a divorce can shatter your heart, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry for your pain. I am facing an upcoming divorce too and it's not going to be my choice. I think there's a lot of vanity involved in a dumpee's pain. Chances are he will not be happy with his new woman and you're free to date and enjoy your life. Life is too short to suffer because of one man. Just imagine that you never met him. I was devastated when my first husband left me and it turned out to be the second best thing that ever happened to me. He, on the other hand, lost everything, while I started my life from scratch. This idea warms me up: I made it once, I will make it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 :mad:First to dgriil! OooooooFreakingraw! Motivate me! Most excellent post! To Perry! Bullseye! I'm on the verge of losing my "Best Friend" in this world! He's gone, mentaly, emotionally. spirtually! He's just sucking air? Get your ass busy LIVING! OR GET YOUR HAPPY~ASS ~ DYING JUST THAT PLAIN! JUST THAT SIMPLE! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I feel a divorce is like a death, you lose someone at sometime you did care for a lot.I feel a divorce is like rising from death. I felt close to dead in both my marriages. I started living when I got divorced until I re-married. I can't wait to leave the graveyard again! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I feel a divorce is like rising from death. Yes, it is. It is a near death experience followed by a ressurection. Like a life- threatening disease, it changes you. It hardens you, makes you stronger and more appreciative of what you really have. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 :mad:First to dgriil! OooooooFreakingraw! Motivate me! Most excellent post! To Perry! Bullseye! I'm on the verge of losing my "Best Friend" in this world! He's gone, mentaly, emotionally. spirtually! He's just sucking air? Get your ass busy LIVING! OR GET YOUR HAPPY~ASS ~ DYING JUST THAT PLAIN! JUST THAT SIMPLE! Hey gunny, sad to hear abour your bud... heart goes out to ya. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I feel a divorce is like a death, you lose someone at sometime you did care for a lot. Sure is... in the top three stressors on a psych list are Death of spouse Death of a child Divorce Noit sure there's any particular order... but the grieving is so much the same. Hard part about divorce is that the spouse had a choice... You'll cry, rage, wonder what the he** is going on, feel like you're going a bit nuts and have a hard time shutting down your thoughts about it all.. But time and a take charge approach to your life will get you through. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Death of spouse Death of a child Divorce I am really offended by this in the name of all parents!!! How can you even compare death of a child to a divorce?!?! No piece of sh*t could ever mean to me as much as my children, let alone their announcement that they don't want to be with me to be remotely compared to death of a child. I wouldn't care if the whole world died as much as I would care if one of my kids lost an arm (God forbid!). It's called "Mother." Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I am really offended by this in the name of all parents!!! How can you even compare death of a child to a divorce?!?! No piece of sh*t could ever mean to me as much as my children, let alone their announcement that they don't want to be with me to be remotely compared to death of a child. I wouldn't care if the whole world died as much as I would care if one of my kids lost an arm (God forbid!). It's called "Mother." Wow I wasn't making any value comparisons with that at all ... it just happens to be on the list of the heaviest life stressors and grief. I didn't have them in any order or anything like that. I agree that nothing could be worse ... peace Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I'm currently going through a divorce that should be final in about 5-6 weeks. I didn't want it, but my husband has moved on with his affair partner and I felt that hanging around and "waiting it out" was seriously preventing me from moving on and healing. I definitely don't expect the "emotional divorce" to be over when the paper divorce is final, but for those of you who have experienced divorce, did you find that your marriage being "officially over" helped you emotionally, or did it make things worse, or was there no change at all? We don't have children, so we will have no need to stay in touch at all, which may help in my healing, but I guess I'm nervous that I am expecting things to "feel better" somehow when the judgment is final. I do expect that I may break down and have some bad days, but overall I am hoping that it will be helpful for me emotionally. Am I just fooling myself? I don't know what your experience will be...Mine is different because I'm the one who left and wanted the D...I felt I was divorced and free the day I left...the papers just legalized it... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I agree that nothing could be worse ... peaceOK. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I definitely don't expect the "emotional divorce" to be over when the paper divorce is final, but for those of you who have experienced divorce, did you find that your marriage being "officially over" helped you emotionally, or did it make things worse, or was there no change at all? Yes, the finalization gave me a great sense of relief. We don't have children, so we will have no need to stay in touch at all, which may help in my healing, but I guess I'm nervous that I am expecting things to "feel better" somehow when the judgment is final. I do expect that I may break down and have some bad days, but overall I am hoping that it will be helpful for me emotionally. Am I just fooling myself? You will experience some down days, particularly if you happen to see them but overall, there is life and a big wide world out there, after divorce. You get to do whatever you want, when you want and how you want. Right now, I'm in the midst of selling our place. We put a lot of renovations to personalize it and now, I find it too big and too much of a reminder of the past...not that I want to go backwards in time, in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 RP? Your simply stressed too the max right now with your own situation! I started this referring to "Billy" "Bill" ~ He? He helped me through a most difficult time in my life. Bill is the reason I've got the low-stress ~ no stress ~ cush job that I have. That I've got the "low-stress ~ no stress" boss that I have! Billy taught me to wave at everyone and to smile at everyone and to learn and know their name! Billy taught me to give a damn about others! No matter who they are! Billy taught me how to be a human~ a person! Billy Ray taught me how to give a damn about SOMEONE! Beisdes myself! T Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Billy Ray taught me how to give a damn about SOMEONE! Besides myself! TWell, I cared too much about pleasing my husband, about what his family thought of me, and about staying in my marriages for my children and mother. It's time for me to start giving a damn about myself a little bit. I deserve to be loved. If love is not easy to find, at least sex is! Finding people who will be nice to me is also not such a mission impossible. Sacrificing for the ones I love more than myself is a pleasure. But sacrificing for people who take your sacrifice for granted brings nothing but exasperation. I am very hurt, but I felt revived when I decided: "I don't give a damn anymore!" Inhaling fresh air always hurts your lungs, but it feeds your brain with oxygen. My point: when you find yourself in a vicious circle, you need to change something; this change can be different for different people; someone needs to start giving a damn about others and someone needs to stop giving a damn about others. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 My point: when you find yourself in a vicious circle, you need to change something, and this change can be different for different people; someone needs to start giving a damn about others and someone needs to stop giving a damn about others. This is true. There does a come a time when you do have to stop giving a damn about others, especially those who don't give a flying f*** about you. When that time comes you will KNOW that it is time to pack your bags and leave. It does no anyone good, (especially the children) to stay in a situation that is making you desperately unhappy, when tears are the only thing that get in your eyes and block your vision. RP, I read your yesterday's post. Your husband does not sound like a cruel man. He sounds like very immature one. Immature people are irresponsible and irresponsible people are selfish. He has no business IMHO to continue being on the net searching for whatever it is he searching. He can't satisfy you, his wife, let alone another woman. Could it be he does this to seek validation from an unkowing person? One who isn't aware of his problems and inadequacies? I broke up with my last boyfriend (whom I had met on a dating side) because of this. And other, more important things as well, things very similar to what you are going through. You shouldn't have to put up with this. Only you know of course how much you are willing to tolerate. Only you know your breaking point. I do not for a minute believe his threats of divorce. He is using this as a waepon and it is unfair. Who knows? Maybe one day you'll tell HIM you want a divorce and mean it. Hope you are doing well with your essay! Marlena Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 To the OP, Yes, my officail divorce papers were symbolic of an end and a new beginning. If I had been harbouring any hope of a reconciliation the day (downpouring rain) I got my divorce, that last vestige of hopw was snuffed out. It was LIBERATING! It gave that extra little push I needed to put a fifteen year old marriage behind me. A marriage that never should have happened. A marriage that should have been disolved much earlier. It would have saved me years of pain and emotional turmoil. It somehow all becomes more FINAL when you have those papers in your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 RP, I read your yesterday's post. Your husband does not sound like a cruel man. He sounds like very immature one. Immature people are irresponsible and irresponsible people are selfish. This is how my father labeled him long time ago. He said he was like a "butterfly that flies from one flower to another." I don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll PM you. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Yes, please do!!! I'd love to hear from you. Link to post Share on other sites
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