Perplexed_Guy Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 First of let me say I realize that there are somethings in this situation that are wrong. I've been married for 18 months, which was after only a year of mostly long distance dating. Of that 18 months married, we've only spent about half of that together. My wife and I have had a tough time of it for the last year. I spent 6 months of it away for the military. We have a lot of problems in the relationship, our short courtship didn't allow for us to truly understand each other, and as a result, there were some suprises in a bad way as we began to spend more time together. Now for the REAL reason I'm posting: I met a girl, call her Sally, 7+ years ago when I was 19, and we dated for 6-7 months and had an amiable break up. We had different expectations of each other, got along, but I wanted kids at some point far in the future, she didn't. So being level headed we became just friends. Over the years our relationship has waxed and waned with our lives, not speaking for a few months to spending time together for a few months back and forth. It has never been more than just friends, no benefits, just someone you could always trust with your life. (when we dated, there was no serious physical relationship, so it has never been an obstacle) About 3 years ago I spent the night at her house because we stayed up until 4am talking and she didnt want me to drive. I stayed in the same bed, but nothing happened. I was trembling laying next to her. In the months prior to that I had come to realize that I loved her a great deal. I wanted to move the relationship forward but was terrified of ruining the friendship. After a couple months we never spoke of it, and I never got the feeling she wanted more for us. (She had an abusive childhood, and has a very difficult time trusting/loving/expressing her feelings.) Several months later I met my wife and spent 2 months with her, proposed at 4 months, married at 1 yr. The long distance accelerated our relationship. Through this all I knew I was still in love with Sally, and I justified it to myself by saying that my wife, call her Jane, was basically Sally except she wanted kids. Which is exactly how I explained Jane to Sally. I told Jane early on, that Sally was my best friend and that I loved her, but we had been friends for 5 years and never relapsed into dating. When I proposed to Jane, I was thinking about Sally and how I was giving up any chance to ever be with her. These feelings continued throughout the wedding process. I felt that the momentum was out of my control, and thought that once I was married the feelings would fade. Sally, not wanting to anger Jane, made herself very scarce once I was married, and I didn't notice as my life was very hectic, and it was common in Sally and I's cyclical natured friendship. Over the past year, I have struggled to deal with my wife. Most of the things I understood to be true about her, were nothing more than her talking. She doesn't want to finish college, has no work ethic, and basically wants to have a baby so that she can sit at home and live off my pay check. Recently she has become hostile to my family an friends and the world in general. We fight most nights, never violent, and never raise our voice. Just short fuses. She had a hard time with my absence and made what I had to do more difficult. I didn't see our marriage lasting more than a year once I had been back for a few weeks and saw her behavior. I had been back home about 6 weeks, when Sally called me an needed help. She had moved to another state to try and help raise her niece (niece's mother is a druggie). She was being taken advantage of an not doing the child any good. She needed to get out of the situation, and I'm one of 3 people in the world she trusts. Needless to say I help her, Jane was well aware of the happenings. I helped get her a car running, and got her a good job. Through this I got to spend a couple evenings with her. It was the first I'd really spent time with her since before Jane. It was painfully obvious to me how I felt. I couldn't take it anymore and so I asked her about the night I'd stayed over. She confessed to me that she has wanted to be more than friends for years, but she wouldn't say anything to me cause she wanted me to be happy. She feels that because of her past she is incapable of providing the "love" she thinks I deserve (she hates the word, because people that "loved" her all betrayed her) and that she doesnt ever want kids (again because of what she went through, she thinks her family gene's should die with her). Nothing physical has or will happen since I'm married, but all along I've been in love with Sally. So I don't know how to end things with my wife, I know she won't understand but she deserves to have a husband that can love her completly and can always be there for her, not just as war permits. I've read all about people being married and making a new best friend that they are in love with. But what do I do when spending time with my wife makes me feel like I'm being untrue to my feelings and my best friend. Thank you for your thoughtful comments in advance. Perplexed Guy Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 It's pretty clear that you don't have what you need to have in order to make your marriage work. If you divorce, do it because you and your wife aren't right for each other. Don't do it because of someone else. And keep in mind things may never work with you and Sally, either. She has her own issues, the whole love thing and not wanting children. She could eventually make you just as miserable and unfulfilled as you are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perplexed_Guy Posted November 6, 2007 Author Share Posted November 6, 2007 It wouldn't be because of Sally, but because I'm unhappy with what the marriage has become, and has failed to become. They are separate issues really. The bit with Sally has been basically with in the last month. It's just made the problems painfully obvious. Any involvement with Sally will remain as friends for the forseeable future. We've been in the situation for 7 years and niether of us are comfortable furthering the relationship in the nearterm. Thank you for your comments Norajane Link to post Share on other sites
JCD Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 The problem is that you have no feelings for Jane and a marriage like that is doomed. The only outcome for you is to divorce Jane. Then figure out what to do about Sally. Sally might or might not be the woman for you but at least you'll be single and not feel guilty about hurting your wife anymore since you'll be divorced. Tell Sally that you love her and that she is beautiful and her children will turn out just great. After all if she thinks she is unworthy then how come she makes your world go around? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Why the hell did you get married? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Why the hell did you get married? Really... I kept asking myself this the entire time I was reading the post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Perplexed_Guy Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Why the hell did you get married? It was a combination of momentum, and the fact that all my family and friends approved of her. I've asked myself the same questions, and it's hard looking back to make an honest assesment. It's not that I didn't love her. I loved her because I thought she was someone she turned out not to be. I think we would have probably be ok if not for the additional stress of long absense. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Hi Perplexed, First let me compliment you on such an honest and articulate post. You are young--mid twenties--and you have been married for a year or so. It is time to end this marriage, it will not work out. You stated it well: you married someone you thought you were going to marry, and something else appeared. No one should be obliged to carry through a committment to that. In a way, you could even annul the marriage. Sally sounds like the woman for you. In a situation where a woman has so little faith in the world, the thing you must do is reassure her, calmly and warmly, that you have faith in her and that you "want" to love her. This sets the stage and then you should go carefully from there. You are a military guy and it sounds as if you are mature and proceed cautiously in most areas of your life. Do not waste your life and do not miss out on the chance for real love, ever. OE Link to post Share on other sites
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