My heart was just ripped out

[blindsidedagain]

I learned about my wife's affair 2.5 weeks ago.

We have been together for a total of 22 years.

She was having an affair for 6 months with a co-worker.

She is 39, I am 43, and her lover is 53!

I was completely devestated and am not sure what the future holds.

I felt like I was going insane in the last few weeks.

I went to several doctors who have given me tranquilizers.

I have been out of work since the day I found out and she quit her job!!!

 

Talk to your friends who have gone through the same thing.

It is a great help.

If you have no one to call, let me know, and we can talk.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

PS- As a bonus, I discovered 10 really raunchy sex letters from her lover

[BetrayedMM]

I hear ya. I had final proof of my wife's latest A a week and a half ago. I too am 43. Difference being- I've known for almost a year now, and so proving it to myself wasn't such a shock... I've been sick over this for so long I'm numb. Hard to believe one human being can be so cruel to another... physical torture would be preferable... at least it doesn't rot your soul...

[blindsidedagain]

Are you leaving her? Mine wants to stay and work it out. I love her, but I will not be able to trust her so I don't know what to do.

[BetrayedMM]

I don't know yet... I want to work it out, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do... after all, who knows what she will or won't do in the future... She wants to work it out, but not badly enough to be honest, so I don't know if that's good enough... I simply must have honesty from her and I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

 

So, maybe I will leave her. I just don't know yet.

[blindsidedagain]

I feel the same way, I just don't know what to do. We own a home and a condo together so there are big decisions to be made. I was thinking of moving to the condo. I am torn up...I have been out of work for 2.5 weeks and she quit her job. She left her job because her lover works there. Anyway we can talk?

[BetrayedMM]

Ya know... If we had a condo AND a house(just one mortgage here) I might already be there... or might not.. but, it would make a decision to leave a lot easier.

 

I read your story in the other thread... Jesus! That's bad. Mine may or may not be worse... because I'm not sure how long the A actually went on yet(I will know though), but from the moment she laid eyes on this scumbag about 15 years ago or so, her attraction was disgustingly obvious.

 

Yeah, we can talk...

[NocturnalRaids]

"Send the Pain Below" by Chevelle

 

"Fury Unleashed"

"Disgust the Vile" both by Visceral Bleeding

 

"My Fever" by Insision

 

"Can't you see" by the Marshal Tucker Band

 

"Little Wing" by Stevie Ray Vaughn.

[Cobra_X30]

I feel the same way, I just don't know what to do. We own a home and a condo together so there are big decisions to be made. I was thinking of moving to the condo. I am torn up...I have been out of work for 2.5 weeks and she quit her job. She left her job because her lover works there. Anyway we can talk?

 

No, make her move! Why should you have to!

 

You need this kind of thinking.

 

Honestly... maybe you should let her have the 50-60 yo guys. You can go re-marry a 30 yo who actually loves you!

 

By your username I assume this isnt the first affair. Dont be afraid to be tough, dont be afraid to be strong!

[BetrayedMM]

No, make her move! Why should you have to!

 

You need this kind of thinking.

 

Agreed! In my case, there is no doubt who would leave- her! EVERYBODY would insist on that(if and when this gets out- nobody knows, and I prefer it that way until I've made a decision.) That's one of the many things she stands to lose here.

[blindsidedagain]

I am so messed up, I can't make a decision about moving yet. I feel so vulnerable, I have considered trying to work it out with her. I am reluctant to do so, because I don't want to be untrusting in the future. We are both seeing therapists. She is doing everything she can to try to salvage our relationship. I'm really, really indecisive at this time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

ewww 53? that's nasty! she has daddy issues.

 

I think she wants to reconsile. If she quit her job that is a very important step.

 

But I ask do you have any kids? If not there's no reason to stay. I know I wouldnt but that's just me.

 

What do you want?

[blindsidedagain]

Thanks for responding. We do not have kids, and that was a problem for her. Additionally, I lost my license for a 3rd DUI for 10 years. I am currently in year 7. I gave up drinking the night I got the 3rd DUI. So, I have become somewhat dependent on her as she takes me to work and picks me up. I try to do extra chores to offset that (laundry, cleaning, etc). To me, our relationship was very solid and felt that she loved me very much. I am not sure why she decided to do this. It could be just for sex, but I think she must have other issues. No affair is worth what we are both going through.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No kids? I know I would defintely gave her 1 year!!! to give me a reason to stay right now your dependant on her. Maybe you guyscan rebuild before you make a definite choice!

[blindsidedagain]

I would try, but would a different excuse down the road cause another affair? Will I always be suspicious? Actually I am not so pissed that she had an affair. I am pissed that she kept it up until she got caught! This was probably 6 months of an affair. She took me to her company picnic several months ago. Why would she want to parade me arround a guy she was secretly having an affair with? I feel like such an a hole that this guy was there, observing me and I have no idea who he was. In fact, I asked her if we could leave the picnic early and she did not want to. Of course, I did not know about the affair at that time.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

It probably is not for sex (the affair) but rather the intimacy, hand holding, listening, walking, strolling - all the romantic things that married folk don't take the time to do. Woman rarely leave just because of sex.

 

How did you find out?

[Cobra_X30]

I would try, but would a different excuse down the road cause another affair? Will I always be suspicious? Actually I am not so pissed that she had an affair. I am pissed that she kept it up until she got caught! This was probably 6 months of an affair. She took me to her company picnic several months ago. Why would she want to parade me arround a guy she was secretly having an affair with? I feel like such an a hole that this guy was there, observing me and I have no idea who he was. In fact, I asked her if we could leave the picnic early and she did not want to. Of course, I did not know about the affair at that time.

 

Thats cold!

 

Just know that no matter what happens, YOU will survive this and be a stronger man!

 

Right now focus on yourself in a way you have not before. Get in shape if your not already, start looking for a better job.... ect!

[blindsidedagain]

After I found out (set up a tape recorder after I became suspicious), she said that it was just a friend. She said that they just talk, but she didn't reveal it to me so I would not get jealous. After that, I looked at the cell phone records. Although the bills did not have inbound or outbound call numbers or times, it did show the total minutes. I noticed that the inbound calls jumped from about 4 to 6 minutues per month to 600 to 1000. I then confronted her again, and said that I need to speak to this man to confirm their friendship. She reluctantly obliged after pressure and I contacted him. When I called, I told him I had proof that it looks like an affair. He responded with 'what did she tell you' (bad answer, a little stupid). I then replied, 'everything', in which he responded, it is true. The story gets better. While on the phone, I yelled, cursed, and told him to stay away from her. The following day, he called my house. I answered. He said that he loved her, and that they had something special together, and needed to speak to her for closure. She told him I thought I was loosing my mind!!! Why would a 53 man call the husband when it was 'just a fling', I thought that either he was insane, or she had plans on leaving me. She denies this, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

[JustBreathe]

Is the scumbag married? If so, tell his wife so that everyone is on equal footing.

 

I wish I had had a place to go to when I first found out. Instead I hung around like a puppy dog crying my eyes out. It was horrible to have to be in the same house with him. It's good you're seeing a doctor. It is probably the most traumatic thing a person can go through.

 

There's another board you can try that has a special place for newly betrayed spouses. Google surviving infidelity and it should be the first one that pops up.

[Darth Vader]

I feel the same way, I just don't know what to do. We own a home and a condo together so there are big decisions to be made. I was thinking of moving to the condo. I am torn up...I have been out of work for 2.5 weeks and she quit her job. She left her job because her lover works there. Anyway we can talk?

 

 

Why should you leave, send her a packing!

[blindsidedagain]

Yes, although she said, that he said the marriage was over. She also said that his wife moved out recently. That really pissed me off. I think there are 2 possibilities. 1.) His wife did not move out yet 2.) His wife found out about the affair and moved out. I am very pissed that the woman I loved not only cheated on me, but got between a marriage.

[blindsidedagain]

We are still living together as it is impossible for us to suddenly split.

It is very painful and difficult living under the same roof.

[Cobra_X30]

We are still living together as it is impossible for us to suddenly split.

It is very painful and difficult living under the same roof.

 

Move at your own pace!

 

Perhaps she should be the one to carry the burden of the split. Force her in this direction.

 

Sell what you can and split it. Pay debts with the proceeds. Talk to professionals, divorce lawyers, cpa's.... ect.

 

So your set on divorce?

[Bryanp]

I feel very sorry for you. Even when confronted she continued to lie to you which means she had every intention of keeping it going. She was having sex for 6 months and putting your health at risk for STD's. I think it was really cruel to bring you to the picnic and have the OM observing you. I really think she was getting some perverse thrill knowing you her husband and her lover were as the same place. It is almost sadistic for her to do this. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting of such disrespect and humiliation?

[bestadvisor]

We are still living together as it is impossible for us to suddenly split.

It is very painful and difficult living under the same roof.

 

One word of advice for you: Expose.

 

You never said if his wife knew about the affair or not. Demand her phone number and talk to her.

 

Expose it to her parents, people she respect. Even if you decided not to stay in your marriage, it will at least gives you the dignity and strength that you have fought for it. The affair is NOT going to end easily like this. Since they are co-workers, make sure their supervisors know about what's going on. Embarrassing? Yes, but much more so for them.

[reboot]

It probably is not for sex (the affair) but rather the intimacy, hand holding, listening, walking, strolling - all the romantic things that married folk don't take the time to do. Woman rarely leave just because of sex.

Blue Eyed, You've said things on here I haven't agreed with, but boy did you ever get it right with this.

 

All you guys out there need to read this very carefully. Print it out and put it with your credit cards in your wallet or on the sunvisor of your car so you'll see it everyday.