My heart was just ripped out

[blindsidedagain]

She quit her job immediately after I discovered the affair.

Now we have lost an income.

My job is a little shaky as well as it is currently for sale.

A quick breakup is not possible as we have to sell our home in this market.

Also, she needs to find another job.

In the meantime, I am trying to relocate to NY for work, but that is down the road.

I don't want to make any hasty decisions.

Some friends are urging me to reconcile if possible due to the 22 year relationship.

I thought our relationship was very solid before this happened.

She assures me that this was a mistake due to her own issues.

It's hard for me to accept.

Now, I suspect other affairs.

After all, the day I caught her was the first time in 22 years that I checked on her as I really trusted her.

I am so confused.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Don't listen to the mistake speech. Affairs are not mistakes, they are conscious decision to have sex with someone who isn't your partner. It is a bad decision, but it isn't a mistake or an accident. She probably has had others, if not physical, then emotional.

 

That's right affairs are a conscious choice a person makes!!!

 

Just because you are unhappy, nothing entitles you to an affair!

 

And of course you dont trust her, she cheated! She has to earn back that trust. She should be transparent. Get the full truth from her because if she's still hiding something what's the point of staying. If she desnt give you the full truth, then I suggest you tell her your leaving.

[Bryanp]

I hope you both are getting tested for STD's. What did she expect to happen when she started cheating on you? From what you said there probably is a good chance this was not her first affair.

[blindsidedagain]

I cannot justify her affair.

However, let me add a few things that happened just prior to the affair.

 

My father moved in with us 2 years ago and it was not working out.

I was very frustrated and so was she.

Her father had a stroke about 1 year ago and let him crippled

Her family had to sell her fathers house to pay for his care.

Her brother who is an alcoholic, would not leave the fathers house to sell it.

The whole family was now fighting and could not agree.

At that time, she broke ties with all of her family.

Her brother almost died and was hospitalized and has been for the last 6 months So, there is no doubt that she was going through a very tough time.

I could see that she was depressed, so I suggested that she see a therapist.

She would not do it.

She now says that she did not think she had a problem, but that she felt unhappy.

[Cobra_X30]

I cannot justify her affair.

However, let me add a few things that happened just prior to the affair.

 

BSA,

 

It cant be justified. If she loved you, it would not have happened... its that simple.

 

Dont believe me... go back and read those letters!

 

Do you honestly believe that you dont deserve to be loved? I can see no other reason for even trying to justify it.

 

Have you read the thread by Dazed who was in your exact shoes? I can post the link if you are interested.

[blindsidedagain]

If she didn't love me, then why doesn't she leave me?

Since the affair, she told me she loved me always, and always will.

I do believe that she loves me, because she has options to get out of our relationship.

Whether she loves me or not is not my issue, my issue is trust and honesty.

[Cobra_X30]

If she didn't love me, then why doesn't she leave me?

Since the affair, she told me she loved me always, and always will.

I do believe that she loves me, because she has options to get out of our relationship.

Whether she loves me or not is not my issue, my issue is trust and honesty.

 

Actions VS. Words! She says she loves you... yet her actions show different.

 

Why bother leaving you... when she can fulfill her needs elsewhere with reasonable certainty you wont leave if you catch her? Women stay for all kinds of reasons... for the kids, for the money, for perception to friends and family, for fear of the unknown... ect.

 

Can you even be reasonably certain that she wouldnt leave you... provided she had a solid alternative?

 

Love is the issue, because if she loved and respected you, trust and honesty would never have been breached!

 

I'm not trying to hurt you... or to rain on your parade! I watched my father go through this, I just want you to understand the other side of the argument.

 

Yes, she may love you in truth. But love is an active choice! She chose to stop loving you for a time.

 

You have a lifetime to decide this. Dont rush it, consider all angles here!

[blindsidedagain]

Is it possible that she loved me and respected me but has other issues? Poor self esteem and self image, poor self respect, mid-life crisis (she is 39 without children which she always wanted), life burdens, depression etc. Is it possible that if this were the case, she could work on these issues? I recognized her depression prior to the affair, and recommended that she see a therapist, join a gym, take a class, go for walks, but she did not do these things. She is taking full responsibility for what happened. She is not blaming me for anything. She also claims that she will do everything possible to work toward reconciliation.

[reboot]

Is it possible that she loved me and respected me but has other issues? Poor self esteem and self image, poor self respect, mid-life crisis (she is 39 without children which she always wanted), life burdens, depression etc. Is it possible that if this were the case, she could work on these issues?

It's absolutely possible.

[Cobra_X30]

Is it possible that she loved me and respected me but has other issues? Poor self esteem and self image, poor self respect, mid-life crisis (she is 39 without children which she always wanted), life burdens, depression etc. Is it possible that if this were the case, she could work on these issues? I recognized her depression prior to the affair, and recommended that she see a therapist, join a gym, take a class, go for walks, but she did not do these things. She is taking full responsibility for what happened. She is not blaming me for anything. She also claims that she will do everything possible to work toward reconciliation.

 

What is your definition of love?

 

That just sounds like someone who is self absorbed to me. When the world is just about me, its harder to care for the feelings of others. Isnt that a requirement for love? Maybe I'm wrong.

 

It's absolutely possible.

 

Maybe for others. I doubt its true for either you or BSA.

 

But thats just my opinion.

[reboot]

Maybe for others. I doubt its true for either you or BSA.

I can't speak for everyone, but my marriage vows had a for better/for worse clause. I can't be who I am without at least attempting to make good on that vow.

[Cobra_X30]

I can't speak for everyone, but my marriage vows had a for better/for worse clause. I can't be who I am without at least attempting to make good on that vow.

 

Are you saying that you were the only one to make marriage vows at your wedding?

 

I havnt been to a wedding since July, but I remember something about "pledging my love and faithfulness". I'll have to go look that one up.

 

I want you to understand that when this happend to my father, I felt strongly that he was weak. So, I compensated by bieng strong for him. Please understand the direction I'm coming from.

 

I'm asking you both to get very honest with yourselves about why your staying.

[reboot]

Are you saying that you were the only one to make marriage vows at your wedding?

 

I'm asking you both to get very honest with yourselves about why your staying.

The fact that she broke our vows doesn't give me the right to do the same. That is about me, not her.

 

I'm completely honest with myself. I'm honest enough to know that the odds are against us now. I'm honest enough to know I'll never see her the same way I used to. I'm honest enough to face that there's a part of me now that hates her for what she did. I'm also honest enough to realize that what she did doesn't make her evil. Once upon a time I thought she was the most wonderful woman that ever lived, and the parts of her that made me feel that way are still there.

 

Why do I stay? She's my wife. She's the person I picked to spend the rest of my life with. She gave me two wonderful sons. I can't just turn all that off. I may indeed decide I can't live with it and leave, but until that day, I don't have anywhere better to be than in my home with my family.

 

I hear the advice given a lot here to "dump him/her and go find someone who will love you and not cheat on you". Good advice, but it's not for me. I have no interest in finding "love" again. I spent a lot of years before her on my own, and I was never unhappy that way. If we split up, that's where I'll be again. In the meantime, what harm is there in trying?

[reboot]

And with that vow, God did give us one acceptable way out in his eyes. If one of the partners committed adultery. He said not only was it a sin against him, but a sin against one's self. No one can tell you what to do. But you should make your decision without the tinted glasses. Love has everything to do with a marriage. Love for one's self and one's spouse. If she is sincere in what she intends to do, give her some time. Otherwise don't play the blind trusting fool without a backup plan.

I'm neither blind nor trusting, and this happened almost 3 years ago. You're confusing me with the thread starter.

[CallMeCrazy]

My point of view is that she loves you, but she is not IN LOVE with you anymore. If she was, then she would never, ever have cheated on you. Period.

 

My heart goes out to you ~ it's obvious that you really cared for her. However, it sounds like your relationship was over, and perhaps you didn't see it? As we grow older, people change and their needs change.

 

I would do her a favor and tell her to move out. She isn't happy and that isn't going to change. She will cheat on you again.

 

I'm sorry...

[reboot]

My point of view is that she loves you, but she is not IN LOVE with you anymore.

You either love someone or you don't. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just a mindless excuse.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You either love someone or you don't. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just a mindless excuse.

 

When people say that, it truly means: I love you but I want to bang other people, and I hope that if it doesnt work out you'll still be here if I come back!

 

That's what it means. Let's not sugar coat the crap!

 

If a woman even gives me that spiel, no matter how much I love her, no matter how much I may want her back!!!

 

I will do what's neccessary.

 

I will do what must be done!

[Wibble]

No matter what anyone else here says (particularly if they bring religion into it) you need to be true to yourself. At the moment you don't have a clue WHAT you think. You need a lot of TIME to work out what has happened and what to do about it.It has taken me 2 years so far, and I am STILL seeing new ways of dealing with my own wifes adultery, so don't act in haste. You will "paint yourself into a corner", and restrict your room for manoeuvre in the future. Be honest about your feelings, but count to 10 before doing anything about them. Your wife will need to de-program from her emotional entanglement with this other guy. When the cold light of reality dawns she will be devastated at what she has done. Then you can start to decide if you have a future together.

 

It's a long road, my friend.

[blindsidedagain]

"No matter what anyone else here says (particularly if they bring religion into it) you need to be true to yourself. It's a long road, my friend". You are correct in that I do not know what to do. The affair she had went on for 6 months and it I had to stop it by discovering it. This is very painful to me because I guess it would have just kept going on! While it was going on, I became a little suspicious and gave her some clues to stop it. For example, during the affair the car seat was pushed back. I noticed this and told her not to be going to lunch with men because it could lead to problems. She put a great deal of energy into this affair including the necessary lying. I now suspect she had other affairs because she so easily lies. When things seamed fishy in the past (before this affair), I approached her and she denied it. I accepted that she was telling the truth not realizing her ability to lie. It has been almost a month now, and it's not getting easier. At least I don't feel like I am going insane now.

[reboot]

At least I don't feel like I am going insane now.

It's a long, hard road my friend. I'm further down that road than you, but my journey isn't over yet either. All I can say is, if she isn't throwing herself 100% into making it work, get out. It's way too painful even if she is doing that to contemplate staying if she isn't.

 

There are people here that will tell you it can be worth it. I hope they're right.

[T L]

When people say that, it truly means: I love you but I want to bang other people, and I hope that if it doesnt work out you'll still be here if I come back!

 

That's what it means. Let's not sugar coat the crap!

 

If a woman even gives me that spiel, no matter how much I love her, no matter how much I may want her back!!!

 

I will do what's neccessary.

 

I will do what must be done!

 

That made me laugh, but then reminded me it was only a few weeks ago that it was said to me.

[blindsidedagain]

Please help! It is torture living under the same roof with her. She is not saying anything, she is waiting for me to initiate all conversations. Even if I could decide to split with her today, we would have to sell our house. Neither of us has resources to move out in the meantime. Does this mean a year long breakup?

[abeliever]

I filed for divorce in April 07 and we still live together after H A with OW (she is pregnant). We work together (own a business together). So let me say it so no one else has to. Yes, you can live together, until you get things figured out but is it hard? Hell yeah its hard. But financially I was paying rent at a friends house and my mortgage and my car pmt etc. I moved out for 4 months he kept begging me to come home said he would move downstairs and I could live upstairs. After struggling financially for the first time in 10 yrs. I agreed.

 

You just have to lay down some house rules. Make sure you both get them out in the open. It's not easy but if you are civil enough its do-able. Is it hard to see his face everyday, sure sometimes I imagine bashing it at times (hehe) but you can't. So, I have a new outlook. Dammit I am going to be happy if it kills me.

 

So every morning as I am brushing my teeth, I look in the mirror. I say self you are a fantastic individual. No one loves you like I do. Today is a new day, so get out there and remember no one can steal your happiness away unless you let them!!! Sounds a lil corny I know. After a few weeks you really start to believe it, and it hits home with you.

 

I am fighting the uphill battle that this M and his many A's and now this pregnancy is not going to be the end of me. Yeah, I'm a great catch (so I think at times) and could easily find someone to help me pay him back. But you know what? Why should I ditch my morals and my beliefs to get back a person who does not value my self worth? That is my bottom line! I know I am not perfect but I strive everyday to do the right thing and make a difference in this world. If he cannot see this well its his loss. I know what is right and no one will make me stoop to where he is. (plus its really far down there) Ha! I kill me.

 

Keep the faith, save money (when you can) and put your house on the market. It's been a slow market for selling but I have the time and he pays half of all our bills. So I am sitting back waiting, keeping busy, walking and writing in my journal. Come on here when I am sad, it helps me even when I see threads that make me cry. It lets me know I am not alone and I have people here who are going thru what I am going thru. I am making it, slowly but surely. The only other option is to lye down and die and I was not raised to be a quitter, although it sounds like it would be easier. I wouldn't give him satisfaction.

 

Thats the best I can offer. I feel your pain. I am too still going thru it. The reasons why he did it and what went wrong really haunts me. I want to know but he is not honest with himself so how can I expect him be honest with me?

 

Hope this helps, and good luck.

abeliever (in love, the real thing)

[blindsidedagain]

She claims this was a mistake (a 6 month mistake?), and that she loves me. She wants to do whatever is necessary to reconcile. I don't think I want to give her another chance, although this is only 1 month old now. Is it plausible that this was a mistake and that she would not do it again?

[Cobra_X30]

She claims this was a mistake (a 6 month mistake?), and that she loves me. She wants to do whatever is necessary to reconcile. I don't think I want to give her another chance, although this is only 1 month old now. Is it plausible that this was a mistake and that she would not do it again?

 

If this was just a one time mistake... why did you choose the screen name "blindsidedagain"?

 

Besides, we both know it wasnt a mistake, it was an active choice! What is she prepared to do to make this work? To make this up to you? Not just now... but for the rest of her life.... is she willing to go the distance?

 

Let your words be a hammer and your heart an anvil! Make of her what you wish.