My heart was just ripped out

[Darth Vader]

I feel for you, B. However things are not either black or white. She chose you, not him. She immediately quit the job and the affair and wants to stay married to you. On the other hand, this man loves her. Can you see the connection? She received passionate, romantic admiration and love from somebody.

 

You've been married for 22 years and I bet the romance was left in the basement and forgotten many years ago. She needed to feel like a woman, she needed to talk about her problems, she needed somebody to pay full attention to her. Did she make a mistake? Yes. But she got what she craved for. This is the saddest part of every marriage - that the romance and passion go down the drain. What happened to all the compliments and long conversations and unconditional support and understanding; the sparkle in the eyes, the laughter, the 100 kisses per hour?

 

She wanted that. Can you blame her? No. She went for it? Can you blame her? Yes. This is what most affairs are really about. How was your sex life prior to and during the affair?

 

 

But althrough the marriage, come on! That's just an excuse to carry on betrayal. She never faced any real consequences for her actions, it's time she does!

[RecordProducer]

But althrough the marriage, come on! That's just an excuse to carry on betrayal. She never faced any real consequences for her actions, it's time she does!

Where did you get that she did it all through the marriage?

[LifesontheUp]

Been reading all through this post and your one in the OW/OM forum Blindsided.

 

Your wife has some serious issues which she needs help with. Is she going to counselling and has she seen a doctor for her so called depression?

 

Like I posted on your other topic, these are excuses she is making. She started her betrayals 20 years ago. Don't be surprised that there have been more than the 3 you have found out about. She is a serial cheater for sure.

 

Perhaps you should ask her to leave so you can have some breathing space.

 

To me she isn't putting 110% effort into putting this right if she is not communicating with you. That would seriously worry me.

[Darth Vader]

Where did you get that she did it all through the marriage?

 

 

The poster has stated at least 2 one stands, and another Affair, other than the one listed......... That's too much!

[Darth Vader]

Been reading all through this post and your one in the OW/OM forum Blindsided.

 

Your wife has some serious issues which she needs help with. Is she going to counselling and has she seen a doctor for her so called depression?

 

Like I posted on your other topic, these are excuses she is making. She started her betrayals 20 years ago. Don't be surprised that there have been more than the 3 you have found out about. She is a serial cheater for sure.

 

Perhaps you should ask her to leave so you can have some breathing space.

 

To me she isn't putting 110% effort into putting this right if she is not communicating with you. That would seriously worry me.

 

 

No disagreement there!

[reboot]

Yeah, I can try to forgive a bad decision, but several "bad decisions" equals a severe short circuit in the brain or something.

[RecordProducer]

The poster has stated at least 2 one stands, and another Affair, other than the one listed......... That's too much!

You are not reading carefully. He stated that they BOTH cheated in the DATING period. He doesn't know of any case ever since, except for this one. he is just afraid that she might have cheated more than once.

 

Blind... the problem with all separations is that people face financial problmes, don't know what to do and where to go, feel depressed and angry, and are afraid of the uncertainty in the future. Everyone has a reason or two that is "unique": kids or age or lack of money or lack of friends and family or unemployment or dependency on somebody's car.

 

If I were you, I would move to a place where I could use public transportation. You can seel the condo. The market is down for selling, but it's also down for buying. I think you said you wanted to change your job for one in NYC, so why not look for a job and a place to rent temporarily? At least start doing something. You can always get back with your wife if you both want to. At this point, I feel that your dignity will never recover unless you dump her and teach her a lesson. She should see the resluts of her afafir. If you just work on the marriage, you will suffer and she will think that she got away with it.

 

Does she work? Ask HER to leave.

[Bronzepen]

bottom line, you have to ask yourself - "Can I ever trust her again?"

 

If your answer is no then the marriage is over. No chance at reconciliation.

 

If your answer is maybe then work on your trust. What can you do to trust her again. What can she do to gain your trust. Go to marriage counseling. Find out how to "fix" your marriage.

 

If your answer is yes then go to marriage counseling. Find out how to "fix" your marriage. Don't dwell on the past but learn from it.

 

Good Luck

[Chrome Barracuda]

I wouldnt stay. 5 years, 2 more affairs? Was your marriage even a real one? Or was she just sleeping with other men the whole time. Has she been tested? Is she a serial cheater?

 

I wouldnt waste another breath.

 

Why dont you divorce her and tell her give me 5 years and maybe I'll come back?!!?!?

[blindsidedagain]

Up until now, I have initiated almost all of the conversations. She will not discuss it much. She said that I am too angry to discuss it now. I agree, but I am also ready to sell the house, so I think some communication is necessary. She wants to go to counseling. I told her that I am not willing. I understand what happens in councelling, spreading the blame. I will then have to adjust to her needs so she won't f someone. All of this insecure, depression, lack of communication is bull**** now. It should have been a topic for discussion perhaps before the affair. I think I am going to stop talking to her about it if I can. Why should I be chasing her for answers!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to be strong about my decisions, but it is quite difficult. My next move involves losing her, finding a new job, and a new place to live.

[LifesontheUp]

Up until now, I have initiated almost all of the conversations. She will not discuss it much. She said that I am too angry to discuss it now. I agree, but I am also ready to sell the house, so I think some communication is necessary. She wants to go to counseling. I told her that I am not willing. I understand what happens in councelling, spreading the blame. I will then have to adjust to her needs so she won't f someone. All of this insecure, depression, lack of communication is bull**** now. It should have been a topic for discussion perhaps before the affair. I think I am going to stop talking to her about it if I can. Why should I be chasing her for answers!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to be strong about my decisions, but it is quite difficult. My next move involves losing her, finding a new job, and a new place to live.

 

Ahh....your wifes lack of communication worried me. But now I remember my xH had the same problem with me in the beginning. I got so angry that he just switched off because he knew that I wouldn't listen when I was in that frame of mind.

 

In order to have any discussion I had to work hard at controlling my anger and try to listen. It was not easy but I found that it worked better when we went to counselling because there was a 3rd party in the room. I didn't want to "loose it" in front of someone else.

 

Now I appreciate that you do not like the idea of counselling so what about having someone else in the house when you talk? I don't mean in the same room but a trusted friend nearby? Just a suggestion.

[blindsidedagain]

Still not talking, but sex twice today.

Am I out of my mind?

Absolutely no discussion of the affair today.

I will tell you though, the Xanax XR's are helping.

I need to be careful, I don't want to get addicted.

[abeliever]

BSA-

 

Hey maybe you should slow down. Refrain from sex at least for a week or two, or three. Take some time to really slow down, find yourself. I want don't want you to flip out! I didn't talk too much to my H (only work related) for 4 months! Did not have sex or talk anything personal. Ok I have broke that since then (with protection) bad judgement I know. It's like having sex with a stranger. YUK! No feeling whatsoever.

 

But you are still reeling from finding out! I'm not sure you even know what you think at this point?? Do you?? And if your worried she will get it from somewhere else? Well if she does, then you will know what you need to do. Watch RX's they CAN become addicting and sometimes you can rely too much on them. There is no easy fix. You just have to feel the pain. I am still feeling it.

 

I think I went into survival mode. I shut myself off in the "love" department. I feel since I don't make good decisions while under the "love" spell that I needed to wait for some time to pass to make any decisions.

 

The only one I came to was, I can't go on lying to myself and letting him continue to pull the wool over my eyes. I can elect to pull it from my eyes and move on. Not what you have to do, but at least take some time and slow down. You don't have to make any decisions now. But go back to work, have something else to think about. At least it's something to occupy your time and plus who can take off for 5 wks!? I envy you. I own my business and do quite well for myself, and I can't take off for 5 wks.

 

 

Hang in there, it does get better- promise.

abeliever

[blindsidedagain]

Actually, the 5 weeks is not a luxury.

I have put my job at risk and have received a termination warning.

But........I absolutely could not have worked in the last weeks.

Not at all possible.....am I that weak?

I hope to get back next week.

I have been underemployed for the past 2 years.

In the meantime, she has left her job, so we are already screwed with one salary (she will perhaps get a few months disability).

She is seeking help and is on antidepressants.

I guess my feeling also was.......my job sucks, I don't drive, my girls a lying whore so what's the point?

Pack it all in, run away, start anew.

Although I am really down do to life circumstances, I just need a little head start somewhere on my own.

I do realize however that I am not permanently out of the market for a job or a woman. I am 43, still lean, don't drink or gamble and I'm not a dummy.

I really want time away, but I don't know how.

[blindsidedagain]

To those that have made helpful suggestions, have an enjoyable holiday!

[bish]

I learned about my wife's affair 2.5 weeks ago.

We have been together for a total of 22 years.

She was having an affair for 6 months with a co-worker.

She is 39, I am 43, and her lover is 53!

I was completely devestated and am not sure what the future holds.

I felt like I was going insane in the last few weeks.

I went to several doctors who have given me tranquilizers.

I have been out of work since the day I found out and she quit her job!!!

 

Talk to your friends who have gone through the same thing.

It is a great help.

If you have no one to call, let me know, and we can talk.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

PS- As a bonus, I discovered 10 really raunchy sex letters from her lover

 

Why did she quit her job? And if this guy has a wife...send her a copy of the raunchy sex letters.

[heftysmurf]

I think we both need the same thing. A swift kick in the a$$. I am starting to wake up. I have been blind for too long.

Get back on your job. YOU need it. Be open and honest with yourself. I am only just beginning. I see clarity coming.

The best advice I was given so far is to sit on your emotions and observe (much easier said than done). Observe you WS. Are they helping you? You have been hurt. It is as if your whole family died. They should be remorseful and understand your pain. Is it really meant to be? Were you REALLY happy or did you escape and think it was good enough.

I am beginning to realize their is more. I was clouded and just thought good enough was enough. When you gain this knowledge (you will) the question you must ask is it worth it to invest in someone who hurt you so bad or is their somebody out their that would love you and never do this to you?

That is the question I ask myself everyday.

[blindsidedagain]

Well, she just won't talk about it at all. She has been helping me otherwise (do I need anything from the store etc). I don't know if she feels genuine remorse or not. I know that if I were in her shoes, I would be begging forgiveness, and constantly reassuring her how much I loved her. I am amazed at how controlled her emotions are. I told her I thought that I would not be able to get over this and we need to break up. She seems a little to accepting of this. She said that it is my decision and that she could not change my mind. Couldn't she at least try? Why is she not putting the energy into this as much as the affair? How can I know what her current true feelings are toward her lover?

[heftysmurf]

My wife is the same. Sure I have some nice emails and some "I am sorry"'s but I need more. I cannot do this without remorse. I am forever scared and remorse would be a BIG step in healing me. If they do not say remorseful sayings on their own what can you believe? I need to hear that CONSTANTLY to get anywhere."I risked the man who loved me how can you ever forgive me" is a good example.

The big obstacle is time. You need to wait to see if they "get it". I am going to wait a bit and see. I cannot go back to the "old days". I cannot go back to the same deal as it was FLAWED. It may have been nice to us when we were unaware however the time was a lie.

Time to rebuild something better or as hard as it hurts move on.

[blindsidedagain]

Thanks, we are looking for the same thing. I went to spend Thanksgiving with my family and was very depressed. The unusual thing is that my family likes her so much, they will not cast stones at her. In fact, my brother in law said today that she has done more for me than any woman could have. I agree, she has always been there for me. I have put her through a lot when I was drinking and she enabled me. Fetching me at the bars and driving me around when I lost my license. What really pisses me off is, that I have been sober for almost 8 years, and I have shown her how much effort I put into it. Even during the affair, she did not stop taking care of me. I broke down like a baby when I came home. I asked her if she really loved me and she said 'more than anything in the world'. I asked her if she had feelings for the OM, and she said no, not him or anyone else which I thought was a peculiar response. If this relationship began as a friendship, did she tell him that she loved me more than anything in the world? She also told me that he recommended that we went to counseling. I didn't know anything was wrong with our relationship, so what was she telling him? I realize that she obviously has communication problems, because I thought all was okay before. Now is the time for her to muster the strength to communicate. After I broke down, she massaged me for a very long time. It really helped me feel better as I saw effort on her side and the contact made me relax. Keep me updated and I will do the same. I am really still very confused and feel emotionally weak.

[Wibble]

Hefty/Blindsided

 

Guys I really feel for you. I hear my own voice in your posts and I am 2 years down the line from discovering my own wife's adultery. The ONLY thing that got me through it was a book called "Surviving an Affair". It articulated perfectly the feelings I had - the shock, disbelief, despair - but also, more importantly, helped me realise that this was not a unique experience. A depressingly large number of men go through this, and it is very difficult to "get a grip" on what has happened. It felt, to me, as if a bomb had gone off in my head. For 3 months I could not operate as a person. I was a zombie.

 

One of the greatest assets of the book was that it correctly predicted how my wife would behave. To the letter. It was almost like a script, and her behaviour got VERY weird, so much so that I had to warn the kids not to worry about their mother's strange activities.

 

FWIW I found friends were a greater comfort than counselling. You are desperately seeking answers, but counsellors cannot give them. Indeed I was made to feel responsible for my own problems. After 2 years I still cannot tell you WHY it happened, and I am unable to guarantee it won't happen again. The hardest part is that the person you most want re-assurance from is not there to give it to you. You are truly on your own. This drives a wedge between you and your wife that, to be honest, is still there in my marriage. Alcohol was a massive depressant and crying was a useful guage of progress. At first I cried about 23 hours a day. After 2 months, 12 hours, 6 months, 2 hours. 1 year, 20 mins, 2 years later, not at all.

 

Unfortunately I still think about it EVERY day, but the hurt has stopped, and even the anger is dissipating. And yes we are still together. Our marriage is a shadow of its former self, but we are both trying to make a go of it.

 

So it is a long road, my friends, and strewn with many obstacles. Many people fall by the wayside, and many people feel that the goal is no longer worth the journey. I wish you well.

[Ocean-Blue]

Hefty/Blindsided

 

Guys I really feel for you. I hear my own voice in your posts and I am 2 years down the line from discovering my own wife's adultery. The ONLY thing that got me through it was a book called "Surviving an Affair". It articulated perfectly the feelings I had - the shock, disbelief, despair - but also, more importantly, helped me realise that this was not a unique experience. A depressingly large number of men go through this, and it is very difficult to "get a grip" on what has happened. It felt, to me, as if a bomb had gone off in my head. For 3 months I could not operate as a person. I was a zombie.

 

One of the greatest assets of the book was that it correctly predicted how my wife would behave. To the letter. It was almost like a script, and her behaviour got VERY weird, so much so that I had to warn the kids not to worry about their mother's strange activities.

 

FWIW I found friends were a greater comfort than counselling. You are desperately seeking answers, but counsellors cannot give them. Indeed I was made to feel responsible for my own problems. After 2 years I still cannot tell you WHY it happened, and I am unable to guarantee it won't happen again. The hardest part is that the person you most want re-assurance from is not there to give it to you. You are truly on your own. This drives a wedge between you and your wife that, to be honest, is still there in my marriage. Alcohol was a massive depressant and crying was a useful guage of progress. At first I cried about 23 hours a day. After 2 months, 12 hours, 6 months, 2 hours. 1 year, 20 mins, 2 years later, not at all.

 

Unfortunately I still think about it EVERY day, but the hurt has stopped, and even the anger is dissipating. And yes we are still together. Our marriage is a shadow of its former self, but we are both trying to make a go of it.

 

So it is a long road, my friends, and strewn with many obstacles. Many people fall by the wayside, and many people feel that the goal is no longer worth the journey. I wish you well.

 

This was a thoughtful post. I wish you and your wife well.

[Wibble]

She claims this was a mistake (a 6 month mistake?), and that she loves me. She wants to do whatever is necessary to reconcile. I don't think I want to give her another chance, although this is only 1 month old now. Is it plausible that this was a mistake and that she would not do it again?

 

I am sorry to go back 9 days and draw out this quote, but it re-inforces my belief that post discovery behaviour is predictable and should not be taken too seriously.

 

It is a classic line that the cheater refers to their behaviour as "a mistake". In your case a 6 month "mistake", in mine a 2 year "mistake". As the BS I see a 2 year series of the same mistake made again and again. She made a conscious decision to lie again and again, to sleep with him again and again. She had the option to stop, but chose not to. To me that makes it a whole bunch of "mistakes".

 

To her it was one long "mistake", and I think she justifies this by referring to her state of mind rather than actions. The mistake was to fall in love /become infatuated with another man. The actions she carried out as a result of this infatuation were not individual acts of betrayal, but an intrinsic feature of her adulterous relationship.

 

These are 2 very different perspectives on the same situation, and cheaters will, understanadably, choose to view their actions in the kindest possible light. I couldn't say whether or not they finally see things through the eyes of their spouse, but I am fairly certain that it is difficult, no matter how good you are at self deception, to live with the burden of adultery.

 

Again, let me recommend "Surviving an Affair". It has all this stuff in it, and plenty more. Have you had the "I love you but am not "in love" with you" speech yet? It is another text book justification for their behaviour, and part of the litany of verbal junk that you have to listen to as your spouse thrashes around trying to justify the unjustifiable. You will need a lot of patience to tolerate it. Forewarned is forearmed!

[blindsidedagain]

"It is a classic line that the cheater refers to their behaviour as "a mistake".............................. You have brought out a lot of my sentiments. I am not actually that upset that she had an affair. I am upset that I had to know about it. She can minimize it now, but she did not stop it, I found out about it. She could have had her fling, decided it was a mistake, and stopped it. When was it going to stop? I know of 6 months, it could have been a year. She said that it wasn't about sex. Okay then, why did she have sex. I have a lot of friends that I don't have sex with. Also, the raunchy sex notes I found, are tough to ignore. Her best reason for the affair is that it was and escape, a fantasy.

[4whatItsWorth]

Her best reason for the affair is that it was and escape, a fantasy.

 

Then the question you must ask yourself is why she can't have a fantasy that doesn't involve infidelity for 6 months? A fantasy stops being a fantasy when it is put into actions in reality...nothing wrong with fantasies - but there is something wrong with acting out on them when they do not involve your SO.

 

Not all women escape when they have troubles ahead...