My heart was just ripped out

[blindsidedagain]

Someone, please shed light on the following strange feelings: 1.) Why doesn't she disgust after all that I know. We have had sex 5 times in the past day. Is it because I am so emotional? Am I subconsciously competing with her former lover? Why? 2.) I have been listening to music and it I really feel it. I can really hear the baseline, and the lyrics have much more intensity. It is almost like when I was a teenager. 3.) Super sensitive to touching. She touches me and it feels so intense. She massages me and it feels so good. 4.) The anger I feel is like nothing I have ever felt. Every strange man I see, I want to punch in the face. It is though he represents the OM. I mean that I really want to beat the **** out of someone. I feel super strong, like I can and will kick anyones ass who looks at me the wrong way. This is absolutely not my normal way. I am not violent and have been in 1 fist fight in the last 20 years. 5.) I have only been sleeping a few hours a day, but I am not tired. It is though all of my feelings are super exaggerated. Some of these actually feel good, like some kind of adrenaline rush. Can anyone identify/shed light?

[Wibble]

 

Notes? Pah! Thats amateur hour! I found a video of him naked in our bed! It doesn't matter which way you slice it, THAT screws up your head!

 

I'm not trying to minimise your suffering, though, please don't think that. At the end of the day be it video, notes or texts, it simply confirms what you already know. It is REALLY tough, however, trying to understand what would have happened if you HADN'T found out about the affair. No discovery, so no enforced end.

 

So how long would it have gone on? In my case my wife was able to exploit my concern for her after a bereavement to treat me like dirt. She says she tried to end the affair several times, but couldn't. It almost makes it worse. When I FINALLY realised what was going on it was incredibly ugly. There was no depth to which she would not stoop to continue her affair.

 

The fevered sexual nature of an affair is very hard for a husband to take. The gorgeous, sexy thing you married has mellowed with motherhood and age into a comfortale bed-mate. That she is prepared to become vibrant and sexy for someone else ( who is not paying the mortgage, feeding the kids, paying the bills etc) is the biggest kick in the crotch you can have.

 

As I hope you can see you are not alone in being tortured by these thoughts. It takes a long time to come to terms not only with what your wife has done, but also with your own reaction to finding out. It is horrible, brutal and cruel, and may lead in all sorts of directions. Just don't act in haste, you may not get the chance to repent at leisure.

[blindsidedagain]

In the month preceding discovery, she had bought a lot of clothes, got new glasses and contacts, had a lot of dental work, and had a beauty mark removed from her face (which never bothered me) which has scarred. She also had been shaving her pubic hair almost completely, which I never requested (nor do I like, she is a woman, not a girl).

She has been buzzing around like crazy, and I told her that she was taking on too much.

Little did I know she was having an affair as well.

The energy put into this affair has been frankly amazing.

How did she enjoy the trade off of all of the stress and effort.

If I were currently single, I would never put that kind of energy into a non-committed relationship.

[burningman]

BA, I just read this entire thread. My wife and I have been together 8 years and married for 3. I'm 23 days from d-day, and still have all of the same uncontrollable emotions you have. You are not alone. Completely normal. My wife's ONS was also tied to low self esteem, insecurity and lack of communication. We split up (pre-marriage) because of these issues for nine months back in 2000, as I got laid off and she got very depressed. She spent 9 months rebuilding herself and has been on track up until now. She has only just now informed me that she always had this fear I would leave her again. In the last 3 weeks she's told me many, many things I did not know. And ironically, all we ever do is sit around and talk. She just never mentioned some of the most imortant things going on in her head, because she thought I would either judge her, or leave her. She didn't even tell me she's been having MS symptoms for 3 months because she was afraid I would leave her. She failed to realize that when I made that vow, judgment would never be an issue, and leaving was no longer an option. I'm seeing that our WS have some similar issues. She's going to need to open up to you, completely, and be brutally honest with herself and with you, and I don't mean just about the affair. About everything in that brain of hers. Is she really doing that yet? The real eye opener for me is that while reading your story I suddenly began to realize that your story is my future if my wife does not address her issues, and she may need to do this continually. I would even go as far to say that if our WS don't address their issues, and allow us to be included in the process, and improve our communication and openness, that this behavior will only repeat itself. Your story is proof. Some folks here say "once a cheater always a cheater." I don't know if I agree with that, but I don't totally disagree either.

[burningman]

And BA, for what it's worth, regarding the emotional minefield you've been in, I've lost 12 lbs since 10/31, which I would have thought nearly impossible prior to all of this. I cooked and forced down exactly 1 bison-burger on the grille yesterday, and that was all for thanksgiving day.

[armywife915]

I am so messed up, I can't make a decision about moving yet. I feel so vulnerable, I have considered trying to work it out with her. I am reluctant to do so, because I don't want to be untrusting in the future. We are both seeing therapists. She is doing everything she can to try to salvage our relationship. I'm really, really indecisive at this time.

 

 

I cheated on my ex because I wasn't happy in the relationship. He forgave me and we lasted another 2 years. Bottom line...it's not worth it. She is obviously not happy otherwise she wouldn't have done it. And odds are, you can't make her happy because if she is to the point of cheating it's already unfixable. Also, I doubt it is you. I wasn't happy because I had become someone I didn't want to be. In the end I hurt a wonderful man. However, if I hadn't I wouldn't be married to the love of my life right now.

 

Just keep smiling. It will get better eventually, it always does.

[blindsidedagain]

Not being happy in a relationship is not a reason to cheat.

In fact, in my eyes it has nothing at all to do with it.

If you recognize problems in your relationship, you must address it to your husband.

If he is unwilling to address the issues, then you must give him another chance and an ultimatum.

You are now with the love of your life.

For how long?

What happens when the chips are down?

I have been depressed, insecure, unhappy, and even miserable..at certain times during my relationship.

I never considered cheating.

I loved my wife for who she was, which was far from perfect.

In fact, I have been approached by women several times in the past several years and completely rejected them.

In fact, one of them was extremely attracted to.

She was just much prettier, sexier, younger, smarter, better job, skin, hair, eyes, and smile, than my girl. I am just focusing on the physical attributes.

She would press her body against mine in the coffee room and I would move away from her.

She was also single, with no children.

Little did I know that my wife was long into an affair with a married man 10 years older than me.

I don't mean to sound harsh as I realize that you are trying to be supportive.

It's just that I hate cheaters particularly at this time.

[armywife915]

it's ok. I had approached him several times throughout the time we were together about the issues and he kept saying he was going to change and never did. The other guy told me everything I wanted to hear and made my self esteem improve tremendously. I know cheating wasn't the answer and I hate myself for becoming that person. There were a lot of factors that contributed to it besides being unhappy. However, a lot of the issues we had were not able to be fixed. For instance, his family and I didn't get along because they treated him like crap. Also, not to be mean to him because he is an awesome guy, but the sex was horrible, so that was a lot of reason too. I just couldn't bring myself to leave him ad hurt him like that. I am glad I did now though because he deserves someone better than what I was at the time. I wish though that he had left me when I cheated on him because it would have saved him a lot of heartache in the end. Meaning, save your own heart now.

[Darth Vader]

Did you ever tell your wife about that part, about the woman that came on to you, and that you rejected her?

[blindsidedagain]

There were 2 incidents in the last 6 months.

One was the pretty one in work.

There was really no reason to tell her as it would make her unnecessarily jealous.

The other one was about 3 months ago.

I did tell her at the time because the woman was very direct.

In hindesight, it upsets me.

Mainly because I was showing her my commitment to her and she was in the middle of an unknown affair.

Several years ago, another woman that I know asked to go to a hotel with her and I declined. I did inform her of that at the time as well.

When I was younger and single, I did get around a bit.

I was actually relieved to me in a committed relationship, because that lifestyle comes with a price tag.

[Darth Vader]

So basically, you turning down these ladies means absolutely nothing to your wife! Then, or now. It if were me, she'd be single, and out of the house!

[RecordProducer]

Still not talking, but sex twice today.

Am I out of my mind?

Sex twice a day after the affair?!?!

[blindsidedagain]

At least, I know it seems strange, but I can't stop it.

Is this normal?

[RecordProducer]

At least, I know it seems strange, but I can't stop it.

Is this normal?

I am not an expert for "normal." But what crossed my mind is that the affair brought back some juices in your blood? Could it be that it actually excites you in some way? I've heard that this is normal, although it doesn't mean that your heart is not broken. It's the animal fighting the human inside you, IMO.

 

Are you sure you can't work this out? You guys seem passionate about each other. Maybe you just needed a wake-up call, something to shake the monotony of your marriage? Can you start from scratch? After all, you've been together for over 20 years. People who are married for so long don't make love twice a day, every day!

How was your sex life before?

[LifesontheUp]

At least, I know it seems strange, but I can't stop it.

Is this normal?

 

Yes it can be for some people, its called hysterical bonding. Have a little look at survivinginfedelity.com

[blindsidedagain]

I only slept a few hours. As soon as I nod, I am jolted awake over and over. For some reason, the big question "WHY" kept recycling. I think for a man, we keep thinking that it must have been the great sex. Otherwise, they would have just had sex once and returned to being 'friends'. This is absolutely maddening. She does not talk about anything unless I bring it up. This really upsets me. Should I just not say anything and just go on like nothing happened? This is what she wants to do, to igore it. Last night, I considered the possibility of trying to 'work on it'. This morning, I feel like taking a flight somewhere. This constant vacillating of feelings is difficult to process.

[RecordProducer]

I only slept a few hours. As soon as I nod, I am jolted awake over and over. For some reason, the big question "WHY" kept recycling. I think for a man, we keep thinking that it must have been the great sex. Otherwise, they would have just had sex once and returned to being 'friends'. This is absolutely maddening. She does not talk about anything unless I bring it up. This really upsets me. Should I just not say anything and just go on like nothing happened? This is what she wants to do, to igore it. Last night, I considered the possibility of trying to 'work on it'. This morning, I feel like taking a flight somewhere. This constant vacillating of feelings is difficult to process.

I am sorry you're suffering so much. That's understandable. I don't think it's the great sex. Not for a woman. It must be the attention and the affection she was receiving from somebody who claimed to be in love with her. I know this is not an excuse, but speaking in absolute terms, if she got this attention from you, she wouldn't have cheated. She felt stuck and getting older; she felt that affair was her last chance to feel like a woman again. I am not saying you should blame yourself or forgive her. I am just helping you understand her. I am talking instead of her. Women suffer a lot when they feel neglected. Look what Hilary did: she is willing to fight 'till the last drop of blood to show her husband that she is worthwhile. She can't reconcile with the fact that he didn't need her, that he needed every other woman more than her. This is what heglect does to women.

[blindsidedagain]

I am sorry you're suffering so much. That's understandable. I don't think it's the great sex. Not for a woman. It must be the attention and the affection she was receiving from somebody who claimed to be in love with her. I know this is not an excuse, but speaking in absolute terms, if she got this attention from you, she wouldn't have cheated. She felt stuck and getting older; she felt that affair was her last chance to feel like a woman again. I am not saying you should blame yourself or forgive her. I am just helping you understand her. I am talking instead of her. Women suffer a lot when they feel neglected. Look what Hilary did: she is willing to fight 'till the last drop of blood to show her husband that she is worthwhile. She can't reconcile with the fact that he didn't need her, that he needed every other woman more than her. This is what heglect does to women. Thanks for your input. It's true that we do not show one another the level of affection that we did many years ago. I accepted her deficits along with her qualities. Men like affection and attention as well. So if a woman is looking for this, she should offer it. This is very typical in a relationship, although it does not mean that it is good. True, I am responsible for my side, but I didn't know anything was wrong! I am not perfect, but I do not ignore her. I do not drink and am not a sports fan, so most of my attention is toward her. I do not say things like 'you look beautiful today', however, I will say that she looks nice. I also will say 'what's wrong babe', 'how are you feeling' etc. If she is not well, I drop whatever I am doing and will try to make her feel better. For many years, I was the driver of the romance. I cannot think of one occasion where she planned a trip, or even dinner out. You would think that of all the effort I put in (Switzerland, Germany, Bermuda twice, Florida, Chicago, Cape Cod many times, countless weekend trips up and down the east coast, and hundreds and hundreds of dinners, flowers weekly for a time, many gifts, jewelry, etc) that she would reciprocate by saying....I'm taking you to dinner or on a trip. This thing, whatever you call it, that you are talking about is seen in the media (remember Al Bundy) is a transparent, immature view on relationships. How ****ed up is it that a woman will have sex with a man who offers her nothing, but says she has gorgeous eyes. I could scream at the ****ing stupidity and shallowness of this. But some woman do it, they are suckers for it. They may want to hear it, but the man who is trying to get into her panties doesn't mean it. This is what happened to her. Some older man who was going thru a divorce charmed her with bull**** and she got sucked into it like an idiot. It was really worth it.. She left her job and will likely loose me. Love is .... I am here for her, and would do anything for her, that I enjoy spending time with her, that I miss her when she is not with me, that I never keep her wondering about me, that when I see something or go somewhere I enjoy, I cannot fully enjoy it because she is not with me. She knows this, knows I am faithful, honest possibly to a fault, but it just aint enough!!!!! Yesterday, I spoke with her girlfriend who is having relationship difficulties. I was astounded at how poorly he treats her, wont commit to her, cheats on her and she keeps chasing him. Then I thought about me, what I am like, and look at what I got for it.

[Darth Vader]

For some people, (men and women alike) You can do everything right, and still, they cheat!

[RecordProducer]

B, it indeed sounds like you were a good husband.

I have a few questions:

1. Did she ever complain about anything related to your relationship? E.g. that she needed more understanding or that you were controlling or she wanted more freedom... anything.

2. How was your sex life thorughout the marriage?

3. Why didn't you have children?

4. Did you argue a lot? If yes, about what?

[abeliever]

Guys, hey look. You know my story, I feel your pain as if it was my own! It's really coming down to one question to each of you. You can either live with it and move toward reconcile or you can't and you HAVE to move on??? I really hate to say it. But I truly am coming from a place of love and respect for both of you. Some people cannot forgive. I thought myself to always be a forgiver. It's a christian trait that I was raised with. I now know it's ok to forgive but it does not mean I have to stay and let them continue to do it again and again and again! So that is where I am at.

 

Hang in there. Going to work everyday is a good thing. First you have to live, and it really helps to get your mind off of work. If you have to cry, great excuse yourself (on a different floor if need to) cry, blow your nose and get back to work. Don't let anyone take your job away, make you loose your living! Not even you H/W is worth that. What, are you going to be homeless to make a point?? Not me! Just hang in there, I promise in a month, it is better, in a week more it is easier, somewhat. Am I still weak at times, sure but I am alive! I don't have cancer, I am getting a divorce. I can wake up another day and still be here and yes to even be miserable if I should so choose!

 

Good luck.

abeliever

[blindsidedagain]

1. Did she ever complain about anything related to your relationship? E.g. that she needed more understanding or that you were controlling or she wanted more freedom... anything.- Not really, although I knew that both her and I were depressed this year. I saw it in her, I knew what it was about and recommended that she go to a psychologist. For the first time this year (before I learned of the affair), I sought counceling for depression.

2. How was your sex life thorughout the marriage?- Excellent at first, then dwindled over the years, I would say however that this year it was particularly poor because we both were depressed

3. Why didn't you have children?- Circumstances on my side, she did want them and I did not due to a variety of reasons

4. Did you argue a lot? If yes, about what? No, and maybe that was part of the problem. I thought we got along great and supported one another. I have since learned that she was withholding a lot of emotions.

[RecordProducer]

Wow! She wanted children and you didn't?! That's a MAJOR issue. Big revenge material. She feels that she lost the chance to be a mother because of you. It wouldn't matter if she didn't want children, but you said she felt bad about not being a mother.

 

Depression, poor sex life, withholding emotions... sounds like she was miserable in the marriage and didn't even feel like it could be better. The affair was definitely a consequence. I am not saying it was your fault, it could be totally her fault. But the child issue is your fault, in my opinion, in the sense that she feels that she didn't have kids because of you. I personally would never stay with a man who didn't want children if I didn't have any, but you never know - we do foolish things out of love. Then the love fades out and we are left wounded, damaged, depressed, childless... insert the right word.

[blindsidedagain]

Yes, the last year was difficult.

 

Her father had a stroke.

Her brother is an alcoholic and would not leave the house which needed to be sold so the father could be put in a home.

After the brother was arrested, he went to a rehab and has been there since.

She estranged herself from the rest of her family due to these issues.

My father moved into our house and I wasn't getting along with him which led to my depression among other things.

My aunt died and she left my grandparents money to someone outside of my family which led to issues.

My company is for sale and so there was that pressure.

The dog got sick for about a month.

Plus the normal stuff.

You are correct in that we did not agree on the baby issue, but I communicated this clearly to her.

It's not that I did not want a baby, I could not imagine it in our relationship due to too many reasons to explain here.

She had the option to leave if a baby was the priority.

I get your point, but there was a lot of things going on for both of us.

I was not feeling good either and did not seek out comfort elsewhere.

The opportunity was there and I declined.

[RecordProducer]

She had the option to leave if a baby was the priority.

This attitude makes marriages fall apart. My husband kept in mind since day one that HE could leave (or more precisely kick me out) if things weren't his way. I am wife #3 because of this my-way-or-the-high-way attitude. If there is no team work and mutual goals, there is no marriage.

 

I get your point, but there was a lot of things going on for both of us.

For 22 years?