My heart was just ripped out

[blindsidedagain]

Let me put it to you this way.

IMO, having a child is a mutual decision.

If the husband does not agree, then the wife needs to understand that and make decisions.

Too many people pop out children for their selfish needs rather than consideration of the new life they are bringing into the world.

It is a sin.

I am proud that I was able to make this decision.

A lot of people, think a baby is like a puppy or a new toy.

That it will satisfy some need, that it is what everyone else is doing.

Then the baby comes, and it was not what they expected.

Many families become dysfunctional, broken, divorced.

I love babies, but did not want to bring one into my world.

Do babies prevent infidelity? Not a chance.

In fact, sprinkle a little PPD onto that and here we have yet another reason to cheat.

I am really happy I made that choice now, I would be doubting paternity.

[RecordProducer]

Let me put it to you this way.

IMO, having a child is a mutual decision.

If the husband does not agree, then the wife needs to understand that and make decisions.

Too many people pop out children for their selfish needs rather than consideration of the new life they are bringing into the world.

It is a sin.

I am proud that I was able to make this decision.

A lot of people, think a baby is like a puppy or a new toy.

That it will satisfy some need, that it is what everyone else is doing.

Then the baby comes, and it was not what they expected.

Many families become dysfunctional, broken, divorced.

I love babies, but did not want to bring one into my world.

Do babies prevent infidelity? Not a chance.

In fact, sprinkle a little PPD onto that and here we have yet another reason to cheat.

I am really happy I made that choice now, I would be doubting paternity.

Blind... when it comes to children, I devide people into only two groups: 1. want kids 2. don't want kids.

 

There is no rationalization. I always wanted kids. I had them when i was 23 (twins). They were a lot of responsibility and my ex divorced me. But I nevre efer regreted having children. If I didn't have them, I would want children now.

 

The mother instinct is very strong. It's not a decision like what furniture to buy. Wanting kids and not having them is very painful. Nobody pops up kids for their selfish needs: it's an instinct. I found the greatest love and joy in my twins and nothing can compare to that - and I am totally not a kid person otherwise. Actually, NOT having kids i selfish - you want to live your life for yourself.

[heftysmurf]

For inexpensive DNA testing.

[blindsidedagain]

I understand that procreation is instinctual. That is why our sex desires are strong in the first place, to procreate. I totally disagree with your ridiculous view that NOT having children is selfish. Do you know how many ****ed up children there are out there that come from irresponsible parenting? THAT IS SELFISH!

[blindsidedagain]

I have much bigger problems than to debate you over my choice to be a father.

[LifesontheUp]

I am not perfect, but I do not ignore her. I do not drink and am not a sports fan, so most of my attention is toward her. I do not say things like 'you look beautiful today', however, I will say that she looks nice. I also will say 'what's wrong babe', 'how are you feeling' etc. If she is not well, I drop whatever I am doing and will try to make her feel better. For many years, I was the driver of the romance. I cannot think of one occasion where she planned a trip, or even dinner out. You would think that of all the effort I put in (Switzerland, Germany, Bermuda twice, Florida, Chicago, Cape Cod many times, countless weekend trips up and down the east coast, and hundreds and hundreds of dinners, flowers weekly for a time, many gifts, jewelry, etc) that she would reciprocate by saying....I'm taking you to dinner or on a trip. This thing, whatever you call it, that you are talking about is seen in the media (remember Al Bundy) is a transparent, immature view on relationships. How ****ed up is it that a woman will have sex with a man who offers her nothing, but says she has gorgeous eyes. I could scream at the ****ing stupidity and shallowness of this. But some woman do it, they are suckers for it. They may want to hear it, but the man who is trying to get into her panties doesn't mean it. This is what happened to her. Some older man who was going thru a divorce charmed her with bull**** and she got sucked into it like an idiot. It was really worth it.. She left her job and will likely loose me. Love is .... I am here for her, and would do anything for her, that I enjoy spending time with her, that I miss her when she is not with me, that I never keep her wondering about me, that when I see something or go somewhere I enjoy, I cannot fully enjoy it because she is not with me. She knows this, knows I am faithful, honest possibly to a fault, but it just aint enough!!!!!

 

I think all those things are never enough for some people and they inevitably go outside their relationship/marriage. Or it could be that your wife just doesn't see all thats in front of her, shes become "immune" to you and what you do. In that case I think the only thing that may wake her up is when she looses you and then has to live with the reality of what she has lost

[blindsidedagain]

Well, its been quite a journey since DDAY (Oct 19). Here is where I am at. I wanted to break up due to the A realizing that it could not happen immediately. I realized that we have to sell our house and find jobs which is not an overnight process. In the meantime, she has been trying to look for my forgiveness and telling me that she loves me more than anything in the world. She said that she will work on this for the rest of her life to keep us together (although I doubt that....I think after a few months, she will become tired of all the work).

 

I told her that I would consider trying to work it out (which is a big change). I know that I have made this decision for the simplicity and practicality of it. I actually feel guilty for deciding this not based on principal alone. Anyway, my question is..... Should I ask questions about the affair.....? I know nothing about the affair. I don't know when it began, where they went, how it evolved from a friendship to lovers, etc. These questions are tearing me up because I am looking for answers. What should I ask if anything?

[Cobra_X30]

I have much bigger problems than to debate you over my choice to be a father.

 

Yes, you do have much bigger problems!

 

So, tell me... what do you plan to do? Are you going to sit around wishing and hoping that your wife cared enough to show remorse?

 

Look, if there are no consequences she wont show remorse, because she wont have remorse! Not the kind your looking for anyway! I'm sorry but thats the way most women are.

 

So, maybe we should move the topic of discussion to ways you can make her care! You may feel adrift and powerless right now... but perhaps its time to take back control.

[blindsidedagain]

Okay I will do that.

What consequences should there be if I intend to stay together with her?

[RecordProducer]

I understand that procreation is instinctual. That is why our sex desires are strong in the first place, to procreate. I totally disagree with your ridiculous view that NOT having children is selfish. Do you know how many ****ed up children there are out there that come from irresponsible parenting? THAT IS SELFISH!

I agree that if one knows in advance that he or she will be an irresponsible parent, choosing NOT to have children is a generous gesture.

 

I have much bigger problems than to debate you over my choice to be a father.

We shouldn't debate that. I just said that your wife probably carries a lot of anger toward you because she feels that it's your fault why she doesn't have kids. She stayed with you regardless because she loved you and at one point that love faded and what was left was resentment. Perhaps she wouldn't have cheated if she had children to take care of. You decided that she will have only you as a family and it turned out that you didn't fulfill her completely.

 

I know you want to hear that your wife is a cheating and lying scum, but I can see her side, too. Anyway, I said what I had to say and since you're already too upset, I don't want to upset you even more. So that's all.

[Cobra_X30]

I know you want to hear that your wife is a cheating and lying scum, but I can see her side, too. Anyway, I said what I had to say and since you're already too upset, I don't want to upset you even more. So that's all.

 

RP, your projecting yourself too far. BSA's wife is not you. Perhaps she is cheating lieing scum.

 

I judge others by thier actions, so lets look at what her actions tell us about her! Her reasons are irrelevant. The end result speaks for itself...

 

He doesnt need to understand his wife right now. These things must come in order, and in due time.

[reboot]

I know you want to hear that your wife is a cheating and lying scum, but I can see her side, too.

I always try to see both sides, and I agree with what you said... BUT

 

She could just as easily have (especially with no children) divorced him instead of cheating on him. That's the part I never get...

[heftysmurf]

Their was enough good in the reationship for her to stay but at the same time she wanted more. What is this barrier that keeps people form telling their SO what they need? That is what really confuses me.

[blindsidedagain]

I have an issue with why the affair happened. She has been unable to give me a clear answer. She said that is was just someone to talk to (for months) before it became intimate. I question that because if you exchange a phone number with a coworker, why would it be top secret from the beginning. Also, originally she said that she felt good because he was boosting her confidence. I questioned why I never new he called in 6 months. She admitted that she always called him. That seems to me like she was pursuing him, then he started to boost her esteem. Chicken or egg? Again, she claims it was rather innocent at first, then developed into more. I have doubts obviously. I guess I am looking for opinions so I can decide if she was the aggressor so I can place blame. If it were the case that he saw vulnerability in her, and exploited it, I would place a portion of the blame on him.

[RecordProducer]

I always try to see both sides, and I agree with what you said... BUT

 

She could just as easily have (especially with no children) divorced him instead of cheating on him. That's the part I never get...

 

Their was enough good in the reationship for her to stay but at the same time she wanted more. What is this barrier that keeps people form telling their SO what they need? That is what really confuses me.

I agree wiht both of you guys and I apologize to the original ppster for being crabby.. I've had so much going on for me lately, I am really not being myself. I am very depressed and that's not the typcal me. Normally, I am trying to help, I don't want to hurt anyone. I am just so vulnerable myself, I can't stand it.

Blind, I apologize for being crabby... I am so down.

[Tomcat33]

I always try to see both sides, and I agree with what you said... BUT

 

She could just as easily have (especially with no children) divorced him instead of cheating on him. That's the part I never get...

 

 

True but in some marriages/relationships divorce was never a thought, a cry out for attention was. Sometimes partners look for validation in someone new and in the worst possible way when what they really want is to be acknowledged by their spouse. I don't know this is the case in Burning's case but a one night stand smells of that to me. I might have biassed though through my own experience.

 

Perhaps I am projecting my situation in the case of my fiancee that cheated on me it was a cry out for attention we were distancing ourselves and I was more consumed in my career and my own life than I was in planning our wedding etc. Still that's no excuse, I figured if that is how he acted when I was preoccupied and we didn't aknowledge the issue together what would happen some day when I would be preoccupied with our first child. Scary thought, very scary thought. Of course I didn't stick around to find out BUT that's not to say things could have been different, different in a positive way I mean..

 

Oh RP thats really too bad, your post made me sad. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I don't think you came across crabby..but heck what do I know..?!?

[reboot]

True but in some marriages/relationships divorce was never a thought, a cry out for attention was. Sometimes partners look for validation in someone new and in the worst possible way when what they really want is to be acknowledged by their spouse.

Yeah, you just described my wifes affair.

[heftysmurf]

I think that nails mine as well

[Cobra_X30]

True but in some marriages/relationships divorce was never a thought, a cry out for attention was. Sometimes partners look for validation in someone new and in the worst possible way when what they really want is to be acknowledged by their spouse. I don't know this is the case in Burning's case but a one night stand smells of that to me. I might have biassed though through my own experience.

 

This action only leads to two logical conclusions.

 

That in seeking outside validation, you will not be caught. That you can do this without your SO's knowelege and that they do not deserve/need to know. Or it is done with the understanding that your SO is such a sorry sad sack, that they will not leave you, despite how you treat them.

[RecordProducer]

I think that nails mine as well

And it nails my future affair. Well, my case is slighlty different in that my husband announced the divorce and he says he is moving out soon. And I don't have anyone. But I will find him. I want to have an affair really badly and I will not hide it from my husband, but I will not advertise it either.

[reboot]

And it nails my future affair. Well, my case is slighlty different in that my husband announced the divorce and he says he is moving out soon. And I don't have anyone. But I will find him. I want to have an affair really badly and I will not hide it from my husband, but I will not advertise it either.

Your situation is so different though. If there were ever anyone I would applaud for having an affair, it would be you. He's a rat.

 

Sorry, I shouldn't say that, but....

[RecordProducer]

Your situation is so different though. If there were ever anyone I would applaud for having an affair, it would be you. He's a rat.

Thanks. Now I just need to find a volunteer.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks. Now I just need to find a volunteer.

 

LOL... Are you proposing something to Reboot?

 

Not to threadjack... but I know for fact that you deserve much better than what your getting, RP. Don't jump into the arms of the first thing that shows you some attention. If I can see your value, other decent men will also... so keep your eyes open!

[reboot]

LOL... Are you proposing something to Reboot?

Oh my!

 

[Leia]

And it nails my future affair. Well, my case is slighlty different in that my husband announced the divorce and he says he is moving out soon. And I don't have anyone. But I will find him. I want to have an affair really badly and I will not hide it from my husband, but I will not advertise it either.

 

Why would you want to do that? Is he really that bad???