My heart was just ripped out

[abeliever]

In most cases cheaters will say and do whatever they can to continue on the path they are on. So, will she cheat again? (your question) Who knows but if she does, then what? Each time my H did I would set a new boundry and he would cross it again. So? What gives? How far are you going to "allow" her to take you for a fool?

 

In my experience, read my posts, he did in fact continue and had 4 more affairs after that. (he got a lot better at it, but I became better at it than him) Stupid me trying to keep "my marriage" together then he used it against me. So I stayed and then started to hate myself for being weak and not leaving sooner. Looking back it wasn't weakness. It wasn't happening to me this wasn't what my marriage was - a lie? (Ouch!!!!) It still hurts. I put all my love, trust, energy into my marriage. Only he didn't feel the same way. So, here I am. Now we (him) are faced with a possible child on the way with his OW (due in April) and let me tell you. You don't want that kind of trouble. It has killed apart of me that I see will never come back. (chest pains now)

 

IMO you can go on with your life and take care of you and your child! If it is meant to be -then she will come back. But why try to hold on to someone who doesn't respect and clearly does not want you? (hard to hear I know) but truth is. SHE is not ready to stop. But you can. It's your choice, even if you stay- we are here. Just know we all have been here one way or another. You can trust that this too shall pass. ( I always disliked this quote - but it is true).

 

abeliever

[In Like Flynn]

Ask her to take a lie detector test. They give them now for 200-500 dollars for 3-5 questions. Her reaction to being asked to take one probably would be telling in itself.

[blindsidedagain]

I'm not sure what a lie detector test would do.

She has already admitted to the affair.

[In Like Flynn]

I asked only because it sounds like you like she might have had previous ones.

[blindsidedagain]

In the early years when we were dating, we both cheated.

I know of at least 1 cheat she did on a one night stand a decade ago.

Since then, we both committed never to cheat again.

I have held my end of the bargain.

She has not.

She is blaming it on low self esteem and depression.

[Chrome Barracuda]

In the early years when we were dating, we both cheated.

I know of at least 1 cheat she did on a one night stand a decade ago.

Since then, we both committed never to cheat again.

I have held my end of the bargain.

She has not.

She is blaming it on low self esteem and depression.

 

Bull****, everyone that cheats supposedly has low self esteem and that may be true but cheating to certain people has a feeling of validation and acceptance to that person. But if you need to cheat to feel that validation or dont want to stop to fix your issues you dont need to be married!

 

You both need to go and get professional help, You need a clean slate and if she isnt doing the things and doing the hard work to change then you drop her off at the curb!

[abeliever]

BSA-

 

Well I stand corrected! I was telling you that we still live together while going thru divorce. Well damn, its harder than I thought. But I am still determined to get thru even this. But I discovered some new phone numbers of OW's that I was not aware of. I tell you it opened up a new wound that I thought wasn't possible. But guess what -it did. I am heart broken all over again. I know it's over, but why didn't H just get a divorce first. It makes even more memories of our marriage an even bigger lie.

 

So, be prepared. The hurt really does stop you in your tracks, when you THINK you have all the truth. Only to discover they lied even about they told you "everything"! My pain puts me in a state of panic and disbelief and I really don't appreciate being put thru this all over again. I was just starting to heal a lil and now I am back to square one. Not to mention now I am not speaking to him even at work. He says how sorry he is and that he has not engaged in any OW since his promise to stop until divorce is final. Now, do you think I believe that. NOPE.

 

Not sure if you can do it (live together) but at least you can see thru me what I am going thru. Just know that a lot of hurt will be apart of your daily routine. But it can be done. In a way, it does help. It makes my decision easier that I am doing the right thing. As much as he wants to redeem himself he will have to do it with someone else. I am not willing to be a victim of his "mid life crisis games" anymore!

 

Best of Luck

abeliever

[blindsidedagain]

I can't sleep, someone help.

[Darth Vader]

I agree, do the Lie detector thing, to find out if there has been other affairs, chances are, there has been. If she refuses, you have your answer, call her on it!

[Nevermind]

Lie detectors are not detecting lies, the name is misleading here. They detect stress-levels. If you are nervous about a question, then your stress-levels will be high and this is interpreted as a lie. However, there are lots of questions that might put you into a tight corner even if you are telling the truth. The only thing they do is give you an idea about what makes the other person tick, nothing else.

[Darth Vader]

Thank you for that technical update.

 

That's just the name of the thing.

 

Maybe we should call it a stress-level detector meter thingy. Lie detector is shorter, thank you very much!

[blindsidedagain]

Update.

The past month has been absolute hell.

I am still taking tranquilizers because I bounce off the walls from the moment I awake till I finally pass out at about 4:00 am.

In the beginning, she said she had no feelings for the OM whatsoever and it was an escape fling due to depression, self esteem, inability to communicate.

I already knew that these things were true to some extent, and recommended she go to a shrink prior to the affair.

Anyway, she does blame this on her own deficiencies.

Yesterday, I asked if she missed him and she said yes, I miss the talking.

I believe now that the feelings were stronger than she communicated earlier, even if it was just infatuation.

Remember, he called my house when I found out and told me he loved her.

I don't know how a 53 old man can confuse a fling with love.

I strongly suspect another affair, but I think it only matters if we were going to stay together. If I leave her, other affairs are unimportant to me....I think.

[Cobra_X30]

Focus on bieng a great man. Be happy without her, its the best thing you could ever do.

[Chrome Barracuda]

We are here for you!!!! BA

 

Do not give up hope. She only misses the way he made her feel. An affair is very intoxicating. no doubt.

 

Now here's the thing.

 

She broke the marriage vows, either you could leave or you could work for rebuilding and work on your marriage. She's gonna go through withdrawl.

 

I know your in pain right now, sh*t hurts I know.

 

But for some reason this affair she had or having isnt gonna last this man is damn near 60 years old!!!!!!!

 

When she wakes up and it hits her she's sleeping with her father she's gonna feel disgusted with herself. You think any of y'all mutual friends are gonna cheer her on to bang an old man??? Hell no! She's trading down. Not going for the best man out of the situation and that is you my friend!!!

 

But right now you need to get out of this depression, do a great 180!!!

 

Work out start living life for yourself show her you care but you dont care and then it will come the day when she either comes back. or you find someone better!!!!

 

We're rooting for you man!

[abeliever]

CB- coming from a guy who really cares brought me to tears. Its nice that there are still MEN (the real kind) are still out there and DO THE RIGHT THING!

 

With that being said. I know your pain. She probably did think that she loved him and who knows maybe she did. I just talked to my H over the weekend and he admitted that he had feelings but looking back it was not love. Like you I really don't care if it was feelings or love! What it is to me (correct me if I am wrong) is total disrespect for the once "love or feelings" he had for me. So basically, to hell with our marriage vows, which obviously meant nothing to him when we was married and certainly not during any of the affairs that he had! So I know where your thinking is at. What difference does it make what type of feelings it was??? Why is a married person having ANY feelings for anyone other than their spouse! Why the freak doesn't these cheaters just get out of their freakin marriage before starting a new one??? I just do not get it!

 

I hate that you are not dealing well with this. This a truly heatfelt sorry not pitty just real sorry. I don't wish this upon anyone and with the Holiday this week coming. I am reeling with pain myself but I am futher down the road than you. You haven't quite wrapped your head around any of this! If you need to im me or call leave me a message and I will call you or give my number if you don't have anyone to talk to. Luckily I had a friend who had went thru this and this summer when I called her at 4 am crying like a child. She sat up (I did this 4 to 5 x a week) with me until I calmed down. I was very lucky and could never pay her back for that type of selfless support she gave me. So if I can do that for anyone else I would be happy to. It takes compassion (yes even for her),forgiveness (not for her but for you), and faith (whatever you can find) to get thru this. I really feel for you and the nawing pain.

 

I am rooting for you to pull thru this. And I know you don't believe it but I with all the others are living proof that we ALL made it. We haven't found all the answers but gotten thru the toughest part and I am sure there are many more to come. But I am always hopefull for all things to get better even when - I can't see it.

 

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

abeliever (in real love, no one will take that from me - ever!)

[Cobra_X30]

Why the freak doesn't these cheaters just get out of their freakin marriage before starting a new one??? I just do not get it!

 

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

abeliever (in real love, no one will take that from me - ever!)

 

The worst are the ones that cheat then want to fix things... WTF? I can actually somewhat forgive an exit affair.

 

Either way! Blindsidedagain, I want you to know that I as well am pulling for you!

[blindsidedagain]

Before all of this, I am not the most emotional guy in the world. Your support actually brought tears to my eyes. Which way is up.....dunno! It is so very difficult to make a decision to leave her. I love her, and she is here with me. It is so difficult to emotionally detach after 22 years. We are actually still having sex, although it is not intimate. I know it is probably wrong, but I am confused. Does anyone have a detachment pill I can take?

[blindsidedagain]

I would welcome any direct conversation with anyone who can relate. How can we exchange phone numbers?

[abeliever]

Send me a email address i will post my phone number on your email. [email protected] i will email you right back.

[Darth Vader]

Still having sex with her? EWWWW!!! Um, how do you not have flashbacks of her and OM while having sex, I'm just curious to know.

[blindsidedagain]

Probably because it is anger sex not intimate sex.

I guess it helps that I know nothing about him.

I do not know what he looks like or what his personality is like.

I did not question her on any of the specifics of the affair, although I am obviously very curious.

So, I don't know when, where, how, or anything of that sort.

All I know is that she had a sexual affair that could have gone on as long as 6 months.

THe details would not be good for me.

[Darth Vader]

True there. However, you don't have to tell me you mind is going like a million miles a second about what did happen! Has she been tested for STD's? I'd hate to think if she'd give you Aids!

 

If you know nothing about him, even what he looks like, how do you know she ended the Affair?

 

You say more than one Affair? What makes you think that, if you don't mind me asking? Makes me want to swear off women forever!

[blindsidedagain]

I have knowledge of 2 other affairs,

One was more that 20 years ago (a one night stand), however, she was 18 then.

I also know of one that was a decade ago, she was drunk and it was a one night stand.

However, now that I know of this 6 month affair, I can only imagine that there were others.

Also, since this affair, I have done some digging and discovered at least one other affair.

[LifesontheUp]

You don't need to make an immediate decision on whether to work this out with your wife. But you need to start doing stuff just for you and gradually you will start to feel better. It took me over 6 months before my fogginess and emotions settled enough that I was clear in what I wanted.

 

I think the road to recovery from infidelity is a very long and hard one. One which needs 110% committment from both spouses. There are people that have made it and some say their marriages are better for it but for myself just the once was enough to decide that I didn't want to live with someone who could treat me so bad. When someone betrays you once is bad enough but to do it over and over again I think is despicable and it says so much about the betrayer.

 

I know some of what you are going through at the moment and I promise it does get easier over time. For the time being if your wife wants to show you she wants to work this out with you, she has to be honest and break contact with the OM. As they work together, at the very least one of them has to move. Has your wife volunteered to leave her job or move within it so that she can prove she is committed to your marriage? She also needs to go to counselling to get to the bottom of her issues.

 

What about you? Are you seeking counselling too? You can still have counselling even if you eventually decide you do not want to work on the marriage?

[RecordProducer]

I feel for you, B. However things are not either black or white. She chose you, not him. She immediately quit the job and the affair and wants to stay married to you. On the other hand, this man loves her. Can you see the connection? She received passionate, romantic admiration and love from somebody.

 

You've been married for 22 years and I bet the romance was left in the basement and forgotten many years ago. She needed to feel like a woman, she needed to talk about her problems, she needed somebody to pay full attention to her. Did she make a mistake? Yes. But she got what she craved for. This is the saddest part of every marriage - that the romance and passion go down the drain. What happened to all the compliments and long conversations and unconditional support and understanding; the sparkle in the eyes, the laughter, the 100 kisses per hour?

 

She wanted that. Can you blame her? No. She went for it? Can you blame her? Yes. This is what most affairs are really about. How was your sex life prior to and during the affair?