blagro Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 I have had an on again off again relationship for a girl that I loved very much for about 9 years. When we broke up I was always the one who pulled away from the relationship. About a year ago she started dating someone else. I freaked because I didn't want to lose her. I told her that I wanted her back and that I would marry her. I even bought a ring. After a few months of not giving her the ring she started putting the pressure on me about it. At the time I was having money problems and the doubts about the relationship started creaping in again. I eventually told her that I couldn't give her the ring and things ended once again. We kept in touch since then and still did things together but not so much on a romantic level. I still loved her and wanted to be with her. Just recently she told me that she met someone that she really likes and is dating again. She told me that we couldn't do things together anymore. This hit me very hard. I cried of course and told her that loved her and still believed in us. She said that she has to move on and that I ruined whatever trust she had. I do think about going out to her house and asking her to marry me but I don't think it will do any good. I need to work out my commitment issues so I don't do this again to anyone else. I don't want to grow old and lonely. Does anyone have any suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 what are the underlying issues? some possibilities: - are you not yet happy with who you are, where you are in life? - do you have bad associations with marriage & long-term commitment, e.g. parents' marriage was bad, or other cautionary examples that you've taken too much to heart? - do you have doubts about some aspect of your specific relationship with this woman, things you haven't been able to identify but which keep you from opening yourself up fully to her? Those are three very different kinds of problems. And of course there are many other possibilities. You've got to figure out where the source of your doubt lies, and then address it. Until you do you'll never know if this is going to be an on-going problem for you. You might even unconsciously use this on-again/off-again relationship as a defnining precedent to prevent you from getting involved with someone else, since you don't want to inflict such hurt again. good luck. and leave your poor ex alone, the one thing you can do to make amends is to stay completely out of her life. it sounds like she has finally wised up to you anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 I'd say a lady who gave you nine years of on-again/off-again relationships has given you enough and she's very justified in giving up on you. Why did it take you so long to realize you have committment issues? You said you loved this lady, yet you had no problem backing off each time. You are probably just as much at home with the depression of missing someone or getting out of a relationship as you are in being in one. Therein lies some of the problem. You do have serious issues, the basis of which you need to seek out...perhaps with a counsellor who can give you some insight. You need to understand that loving someone is a big risk but it's lots better to take the risk than to do without love entirely. And if you pay real good attention, you can absolutely find someone who will be with you for the long haul. I will tell you this. You may have had some luck with you last lady but most women run as fast and as far as they can from men once they find he is committment phobic...and most don't take nine years to make that determination. Stay away from your ex and write her off. She's a very slow learner but it sounds like she has finally resolved that she will never get anywhere with you. Once you have gotten help for your committment issues, you'll need to take your time to find the right person for you...and then be devoted to her with all your heart. Otherwise you will yo yo your heart straight to your grave and never experience the total happiness that a healthy, stable relationship with mutual love can offer you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blagro Posted May 16, 2003 Author Share Posted May 16, 2003 Thanks for the reply. I am starting to see a counselor to try to find out what these underlying issues are. Hopefully it will help. I have actually worked out some of the problems already. One was the pressure of my job and money. I wasn't happy with either. The other problem is I let things upset me in my relationship with her that if I just talked them out, things could have been different. I would keep everything to myself and figured I don't have to deal with this I can get out when I want. That is the wrong thing to do. No relationship is perfect, it takes work. I still believe that she is my soulmate. I am going to follow through with my counseling and hopefully work things out with myself. I will try not to pry my way back into her life. If we were meant to be together God will make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 YOU WRITE: "If we were meant to be together God will make it happen." Where love is concerned, don't expect God to make anything happen. He brings people into your life and if you jerk them around for nine years, He just figures He made a mistake. God will bring somebody else into your life in the future. But winning her heart will be up to you. God doesn't get involved in domestic situations unless there's potential and the participants are doing their parts to help themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blagro Posted May 16, 2003 Author Share Posted May 16, 2003 Sorry Tony, it isn't easy trying to handle the fact that I ruined a great relationship with someone that I really cared about. I made a lot of mistakes in the past nine years and now I am paying for them. It scares me to think that I might never find someone that will love me like she did. Or find someone else that will make me feel like she did. It is something that I never thought about. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 YOU WRITE: "It is something that I never thought about." Oh, yes you did!!! That's why you broke up with her each time you realized just how much she loved you. While you wanted to be loved a great deal by this woman, you were also scarred as hell of the idea. It was the fear that caused you to back off. That's what you and your counsellor need to work on...finding the root of that fear and healing it. Good luck. This will all pass and you will find love for yourself in the future. Just don't make the same mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blagro Posted May 16, 2003 Author Share Posted May 16, 2003 Ok, here is a hypothetical question. Say that I go through months of counseling and I figure out all of my problems and reasons for not being able to make this work. So I am content with myself and I know that if I fall in love again not what to do. I find out that this thing with this current guy didn't work out. I know that I still love her. Would it be appropriate to call her and talk to her about what I have learned about myself? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted May 16, 2003 Share Posted May 16, 2003 you've got a lot of things to sort out in the real, immediate present. Don't confuse the situation by nurturing hopes for something that may never come to pass. She might stay with her guy. Don't undertake this growth process for an external goal. Do it for yourself, so that you will be stronger and wiser and better able to make the most of what life throws at you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blagro Posted May 16, 2003 Author Share Posted May 16, 2003 Thanks Midori. I am going to do this for myself. It is hard to give up hope, though. Link to post Share on other sites
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