the "talks" before a LDR... ?

[cocoa]

Dear all, I'm seeking your help...

 

This is my story: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 24 and he's 25 (26 very soon). We live in Canada. I had trouble finding a job in Canada and I am planning to take a contract job in Japan starting in January. The contract is 3 years but knowing the situation in Japan it's very likely I will be back before 3rd year. My boyfriend has a stable job here so I don't expect him to go to Japan for any considerable length of time.

 

Now the questions... about the 'talks', the day I got the offer and I told him, he said we'd have to break up if I go, with some tears. The next day I asked him again he said he was serious and I immediately started tearing up. I asked if he is sure about that and he said he is not.

 

So I wrote a long email outlining our options and why we should not break up. I watched him read it and he was easily persuaded and agreed to it. I was ecstatic... for a few days.

 

I feel his in-determinism and it bothered me. I tried to get him to share. Some things he said: "I do wonder how we'll do", "It's just a lot to ask for of somebody, you know. 3 years is a long time. And talking about getting married. I don't know." "It will be difficult." I cried a lot that night.

 

So to summarize.... he doesn't want to break up because we both feel so sad when considering that, but he doesn't seem to be able to give me a promise to wait for me. I was at his parents' place this weekend and his mother asked if we talked about what we'd do and I said it's up to him. She said we should discuss it and I told her he just doesn't know. - I didn't want to say anything for sure because I'm confused what he'll do.

 

I told him on msn tonight that I think I was so upset about it because I am afraid of being hurt when I am alone in a far away country, so I think I can accept it. (This seemed to be the right thing but of course I'm still afraid of being hurt and scared to be in a LDR worrying all the time when we will end. What do I do? *cry*). He said he's confused about life... - I'm not sure how that would affect us or if that should change how I approach the subject. I think he may be just feeling a bit depressed.

 

 

 

What do I do now? Should I keep talking about it with him? He is a very quiet guy and doesn't like to talk to much. He is also a very practical and stable person, and I know he doesn't make promises that he's not sure he can keep so I can understand his view is reasonable too. Should I try to get him to see it my way? If we choose to be together, if we commit to trust each other and put in the effort at communication, distance will not be a problem. I hate to be the one constantly talking about it and he's mostly quiet or say in a solemn tone that it will be difficult. It makes me feel that he doesn't have much confidence and/or he isn't sure that I am the person he wants to be with long-term. That really bothers me and everytime I start thinking about that it drives me crazy I don't want to lose him. -- although rationally I know if we ended both of us can find someone else.

 

A friend is working at a call center at a bank and they are currently hiring, but I hesitated to ask her to refer me because I am sort of afraid that if they give me an offer I would be torn to make a decision to stay just for the sake of being with him. Japan seems more interesting and if I can't find a job when I'm back I can always apply then. That tells me I do want to choose to go to Japan, but I still sent in my resume through public job boards... -- I'm not making any sense now am I?

 

I said above he is a quiet guy and doesn't like the phone... when we are not seeing each other we usually talk on msn and almost never on the phone. When we talk on the phone it usually doesn't last more than 5 minutes and he never sounds like he doesn't want to hang up when we hang up. It makes me feel bad a little. But because we have a good relationship overall it's not a big problem. I am a little worried I may feel worse if he talks the same way when we are so far away. So I am also anxious to discuss every detail of LDR before I actually leaves, like expectations, schedules, communication methods etc... I don't know how to start though before he tells me he is making a commitment to LDR.

 

SO... What do I say to him??? Should I tell him if he wants me to come back at some point I will come back for him? I am thinking if he is scared of making a future marriage commitment now, he wouldn't want to agree to that because he can't make a promise that we will get married. Or should I take current situation as he's committed to LDR and start discussing the details?

 

On the other hand he may be very much want to commit to LDR but is just scared of the challenges ahead and not at the point to accept the notion of marriage yet? -- although I don't know how that makes my situation better... :'( Should I try not to be too intense, leave the subject alone and give him time?

 

Sorry for the excessively long post, and I know it's all over the place... I have a tendency to make things complicated.

 

Thanks in advance...

[Nevermind]

Mhhh.

 

First of all, I would skip the marriage talk. You are in a relationship and you afraid of losing that. Keep it there.

 

I think you should ask yourself some questions. Just answer them, without much ado.

 

1) Do you want to go to Japan?

2) Do you want to work in Japan?

3) Do you want to stay in Japan for a considerable amount of time?

 

These may seem to be just variations on one question, but they are not. Being curious about new places is normal, but you are not supposed to go there on vacation. If you are unsure, can you get out of your contract easily? However, if you have answered them positively...

 

...then there is no question about getting another job in canada. It's your life and it's the only one you've got. Go for it!

 

Long Distance Relationships can work. You need msn, mails, webcams, phones...etc. He needs to get comfortable with that. If he is just not keen on talking on the phone, you might get around that. And since you will not see each other a lot, he might overcome this dislike eventually.

Are there any options for you to go to Canada once in a while? Does your company offer something for their foreign workers to go home for christmas, channukha, or whatever? Get informations on how you could manage to see each other at least, every couple of month. Show those to him. Talk to him, but do not pressure or lecture him. It won't help.

 

Tell him, that this is something you are doing for yourself, not against him. Tell him, that you love him and that you want to be with him. That for you, the distance between you is no obstacle.

 

Ask him, to try it. The same goes for you. Neither of you can really be sure wether or not you will be able to bear a long distance relationship. Remind him that it is a defined absence. You are not going to Japan to stay forever. There is a time frame. Most long distance relationships end because there is none. So that's a plus.

 

I wish you the best. Good luck!

[cocoa]

Thank you for the reply!!! I was beginning to think nobody had the patience to get through my rambling...

 

I agree with everything you said!

 

I do want to skip the marriage talk and take care not to mention it. But to be honest it does lurk in the back of my mind. 1st, "if" I do stay for 3 years we will be close to the marrying age as I'm sure he's aware. 2nd, I can imagine it may be difficult to justify in his mind to go on 3 years of celibacy only to break up with me after. No? That's why I wondered if this is essentially the core of his dilemma.

 

I do want to go to Japan, it is the most interesting choice at the present. My parents and my boyfriend all stated they are supportive of me. I can get out of the contract easily, with monetary damages. I know for sure I will come back home once every year with company compensation.

 

This brings another (minor) question. I asked if he'd visit me in Japan and he wasn't sure because plane ticket is expensive!!! He makes more money than I will be, if I come back another couple of times in a year it'll dig a hole in my already not so high salary... so I don't feel I should be offering that? Am I wrong? It would be a more interesting vacation if he makes the trip over too. I am willing to pay for half the expense but he doesn't let girlfriends pay.

 

Thanks for the reminders, exactly my sentiment... I have been getting really anxious lately...

 

Thank you for your wishes.

[taiko]

Are you wrong? No but ask yourself what are your priorities. Canada is not the Philippines where 10% of the poplation works abroad. Infact Canada has a very liberal immigration policy because they are short of labor. All this suggest you can't find a job doing what you want in Canada and doing what you want is more important then the boyfriend.

[cocoa]

Okay... I did sent out hundreds of applications in broad fields requiring no specific background, I went to a number of interviews but no offer... I'm not sure where the labour shortage is. I have been rejected even for $30,000/year and $14/hr jobs. I don't know where that leaves me... I'm not physically strong enough to do labour jobs... The boyfriend doesn't want me waitressing or working retail either.

 

I'm not sure where you were going with "doing what you want is more important than the boyfriend".

[norajane]

LDR's are tough even under the best of circumstances when you get to see each other regularly. I think he's willing to see how it goes, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he decides he can't do it somewhere down the line.

 

Just the fact that he isn't willing to spend the money on a plane ticket should tell you something very important...he's not going to go the extra mile to make this work. Unless BOTH people are fully committed to each other and to making an LDR work, an LDR has no chance.

 

I'm sorry to be the voice of doom and gloom, but realistically speaking, if you go, I really believe you need to understand this relationship will likely be over.

 

Also, think of it another way - here you are, willing to take on this challenge and adventure, and he's not remotely interested in seeing where you will be living, nor learning about your life there, nor exploring a country that lots of people go to on vacation! ARe you sure you're even right for each other in the long run? It seems like you have very different sensibilities about life and adventure and taking advantage of opportunities.

[Nevermind]

Well, he also cried. He is obviously not just a cold *******. Maybe he just doesn't see it happen. I myself tend to declare everything lose and ruined when something happens that I was afraid of. Might be the same.

 

Give yourselves time, cocao. Just try it. Maybe it won't work. Maybe it will. Maybe he'll quit. Maybe you. Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't.

 

However, marriage talks are not really appropriate right now. You wouldn't do that if you were not about to leave, right? He might also chicken out because of the whole commitment issue. You leave, he is supposed to wait, there is marriage in the air...it's lots of extra stress.

 

Talk again about co-financing the tickets, but both ways. When you come, he pays half, you do the same, when he comes. So he does not have to feel unmanly, because the girlfriend is paying his flights. And you both profit from good offers etc.

 

Norajane is right, it is really tough. Most of the LDRs don't make it. But don't just give up. See it the other way: you win anyway. If the two of you make it, then this is truly a great love. If you don't, it was a good 2 years, lots of good memories.

 

Better to fight and lose then to give up always.

 

Once again: best wishes. Do not overthink everything. Life is not in your head, and it's complicated enough as it is already. No need to make it worse.

[cocoa]

norajane. the voice of doom and gloom. Yes the points which you mention have surely flashed in my mind. That's why I was getting anxious and hence I'm here.

 

He is kinda tight with money and he is a homebody. I thought that won't be such a bad thing in a long-term partner, plus he never stops me from doing anything (maybe he would to his wife?). I was already aware of that so I didn't think it was a new flaw I didn't know before... Our schedule permitting, I'm pretty sure he'd go in the end. Yea if with schedule working out for us and he doesn't go I'd not be happy. But like Nevermind says, he wouldn't make a promise to me he's not sure 100% if it will be kept. I think it's just a case of such, not so much a bad thing either, right?

 

I like Nevermind's line of thoughts, because I've said similar things myself when I'm saner and not all confused ahaha. Thanks!