I don't know how to leave.

[ARDriver01]

I have major problems and I know that many of you on the site probably have some opinions about me. I would like to hear them.

 

From my previous posts, you can tell my life is sh**. I know it's my fault that I haven't left yet. I'm scared.

 

I have so much going on right now that to leave my wife may throw me off into dangerous territory.

 

I have school, work, my Grandmother whom I love dearly is dying, problems with my wife etc...

 

On Halloween, she got really, really drunk and started kissing and macking her BF of 12 yrs boy friend. It may sound funny but even for her thats kind of shocking. We dropped her off at her grandparents house and BF and her boyfriend (who are very, very good friends of mine) told me what happened. He told her repeatedly to knock it off, this is gross, your being stupid, go to your husband and all she said was I don't deserve him and continued to get too close and stuff.

 

I tore into her about the incident, she apologized and now she's off with her friend Jeff everyday while I'm at work and school trying to better support us. She still doesn't work and everything is total nightmare from the depths of hell.

 

Why don't I leave her? What is wrong with me. I'm totally miserable I can't stand my life. I'm so tired of everything and yet I stay. I don't like this. This is not stimulating. I'm looking for every way out except leaving her. Why is this?

[quankanne]

because you've convinced yourself that you either deserve this treatment, or that to bail out is the act of a loser.

 

however, neither of those hold true. You first and foremost responsibility is for your well-being, and that's to walk away from abuse. Yes, abuse, because what she's doing to you constitutes abuse. You are not wrong for wanting to walk away from a situation that will never get better unless she's willing to make changes, though it really doesn't sound like she's interested in doing that.

 

sometimes it's hard admitting when it's quitting time, but there's nothing to be ashamed about when you've done everything within your power to bring about change.

 

you wouldn't expect to go through the rest of your life living with a gangrenous foot or spots of cancer on your lungs, so why should you resign yourself to living with an emotional blight in the form of your wife?

[Kasan]

Why don't I leave her? What is wrong with me. I'm totally miserable I can't stand my life. I'm so tired of everything and yet I stay. I don't like this. This is not stimulating. I'm looking for every way out except leaving her. Why is this?

 

Well, it seems that you are back where you started in June...still asking the same questions that you were then.

 

You will leave when you have had enough, when you can't stand living this way one more moment, hour, or day.

 

You will leave when you truly understand that you can't/don't have the power to fix her. She is truly broken...I am truly sorry to say this to you.

 

You will leave when you realize that you need to save yourself.

 

You will leave when you understand that you DESERVE to have a wife who loves you, doesn't cheat on you, and is healthy.

 

You will leave when you recognize that you don't need to have drama to have a meaningful life.

[Cobra_X30]

I tore into her about the incident, she apologized and now she's off with her friend Jeff everyday while I'm at work and school trying to better support us. She still doesn't work and everything is total nightmare from the depths of hell.

 

Why don't I leave her? What is wrong with me. I'm totally miserable I can't stand my life. I'm so tired of everything and yet I stay. I don't like this. This is not stimulating. I'm looking for every way out except leaving her. Why is this?

 

You need to plan this out step by step!

 

You need to not fear the results of a divorce. Millions go through it every year and survive to tell the story.

 

I'd pay lots of money to be rid of a woman like that! She is right that she doesnt deserve you.

 

So, why not contact a lawyer and start in on that action plan today!

[Cheery Cherry]

I agree with Cobra...you do need to plan this out step by step. Sometimes, people stay because they are familiar with their environment and knowing what is expected, even bad things, seems comforting. Change is a scary thing. That's why you'll see many people stay with a job that they hate so much.

 

Allow yourself to grow...and change is what will help you grow. Don't walk around fear...walk through it and see what happens...see how empowered you will feel. No matter what happens when/if you leave her, you will find a way to deal with any new challenges the break up may bring because you are capable...but try not to worry about it until you are faced with it.

[cj1988]

I totally understand your situation I am in the same. I know in my whole being I should leave him and never look back (13 years together) but for some reason I stay and stay. But I do believe whe I am ready I will leave and it will be OK at that time, without doubt or confusion. Just be patient and ignore her like I do my H stupid immature BS. What goes around comes around and I am almost full circle

[ARDriver01]

It's getting worse. I think she's trying to push me out. I can't be forced into a corner. It's not fair, after all I've done to make this work. I think she's trying to hurt me so much that I'll leave.

 

You can't do this to someone. Are there laws against this? Allienation of affection maybe, can I defend myself?

[ARDriver01]

she left me.

[Moose]

Sorry to hear that buddy......now breathe man......BREATHE!!

[Kasan]

she left me.

 

Wow! I know that you are worried about her and hoping that she is okay.

 

As sorry as I am for you right now, I think this was inevitable.

 

Please take care of yourself right now.

[ARDriver01]

I don't know what to do.

[Trialbyfire]

You are going to pick yourself up and thank whoever was looking out for you and start living again!!

[Kasan]

I don't know what to do.

 

I don't understand what you mean--please elaborate.

[ARDriver01]

She still wants to go to counseling tomorrow. She says that we have nothing in common and wants a separation. I think she's emotionally involved with her friend.

 

I can't let her get away with this. I don't trust her. If she dumps me for another guy, again, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not in a good mind right now.

 

This isn't fair, I'm being pushed into places where I don't know if I can react in a sane manner.

 

It's lame, I know, I still love her. If she alienates me like a chump, I might just loose it for real this time.

 

I can't just let her have her way. It's unsulting and degrading. I'm supposed to be a man.

 

I've always been a good husband. I've strived for fairness and compassion. How can she do this?!?!

[amaysngrace]

How can she do this?!?!

 

She does it cause she's a DBag. I know you don't want to hear this but it's for a reason.

 

Write a list of what is good about her. Then one for bad.

 

Do the same thing about your marriage.

 

Think about how she makes you feel. Do you really want to keep feeling like this for all the days of your life?

[Kasan]

She still wants to go to counseling tomorrow. She says that we have nothing in common and wants a separation. I think she's emotionally involved with her friend.

 

I can't let her get away with this. I don't trust her. If she dumps me for another guy, again, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not in a good mind right now.

 

This isn't fair, I'm being pushed into places where I don't know if I can react in a sane manner.

 

It's lame, I know, I still love her. If she alienates me like a chump, I might just loose it for real this time.

 

I can't just let her have her way. It's unsulting and degrading. I'm supposed to be a man.

 

I've always been a good husband. I've strived for fairness and compassion. How can she do this?!?!

 

AR--even though you still love her, how much more are you willing to put up with?

 

You say that you have "been a good husband and that you strived for fairness and compassion". I believe you.

 

As someone who has followed your history with this woman, I think that you should be very happy that she has let go. As I said in an earlier post, she is broken, and you can't fix her. She has to many mental health issues.

 

I am glad that she is still continuing counseling, but you need to focus on yourself right now--you have school and a sick family member.

 

Your wife is not going to get well tomorrow or next week, I expect it will take a long time....please use this time to work on your problems that you can fix.

 

Keep posting, I am sure someone with a lot more wisdom than I, will jump in and help you through this.

 

In the end, you will be okay.

[Kasan]

AR--

 

You might want to follow this thread--www.loveshack.org/forums/t135974

 

Gunny and LJ give some great advice.

 

Good luck!

[Mz. Pixie]

I can't let her get away with this. I don't trust her. If she dumps me for another guy, again, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not in a good mind right now.

 

AR- this kind of sounds like a threat of violence to either yourself or her. You're not "letting her get away with" anything. She's a grown woman who has made her choice to do the shxtty things she's doing to you. If you feel violent towards her or suicidal, please call someone right now! NO ONE is worth going to jail over or killing yourself. NO ONE. There are hot lines you can call. You need to be seeing an individual counselor, big time.

 

This isn't fair, I'm being pushed into places where I don't know if I can react in a sane manner.

 

See above comments. Also, life isn't fair. Unfortunately. If life were fair I would have never had to suffer abuse in my childhood and I'd be some award winning advice guru somewhere making over six figures! She's not pushing you either, you're allowing yourself to be pushed. Big difference. Change the way you react to her- do not let her get to you.

 

If she alienates me like a chump, I might just loose it for real this time.

 

To me, your wife sounds like she's already gone. The only thing you can do is insulate yourself from the hurt. Again, this sounds like a threat of violence to me. Please get some help.

 

 

I can't just let her have her way. It's unsulting and degrading. I'm supposed to be a man.

 

This is not about her having her 'way'. Is it insulting and degrading?? Absolutely. Is she wrong? Absolutely. Unfortunately though you cannot control her choices. You can only control the way you react to what she does. You're probably assuming that more people know about your situation that really do. And honestly, it may be news in a little town for a week or so but people move on- their lives are busy and no one is going to continually focus their thoughts and conversation on what you're going through.

 

Take this for someone who was slammed in the county newspaper! That was news in my town for about a week and then people went on with their lives.

 

You are a man, and I'm sure that you are a good one. You sound very codependent with her- dependent on her for your happiness. You have to come from a place where you're happy with yourself and not depend on anyone else for happiness. Because no one is going to love you the way you should love yourself.

 

Be a man by being the bigger person. Let her go. Do not let her ruin your life.

 

She's doing this because she needs help. You cannot make her see that. You cannot help her. She needs to help herself. She's a selfish wacko.

 

You need to work on you. Channel your energy into going to the gym. Be with people who care about you. See a counselor.

 

I would also recommend that you read "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. I think you could glean alot of help from that.

 

Above all, be calm. And if you feel you're feeling violent do something about it. Do not let her ruin your life by your going to jail.

 

Believe it or not, you'll be okay. Doesn't seem like it now I'm sure and it may not seem like that for a long time but one day you'll be sitting back saying "Gosh, what did I ever see in her?" And by that day, you'll have worked on yourself and you'll be a better person and better prepared to have a healthy relationship- which is something it sounds like you and the wife have never had- despite your best efforts.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Trust all of us here ADR, her leaving was the best thing that has ever happened to you. All your own mutual friends can see how much of a backstabber she is. You need to accept that. She may be beautiful and all of that but clearly this girl is a jump off. not wife material. She's not wifey material.

 

She wants you around as a fall back guy when she get's tired of being buttpounded by dudes in the club or when she catches the hottest STD.

 

Dude ADR dont be a glutton for punishment look at this like your free to do whoever , whatever you want. Once you get over the emotions from the love is blind stage your gonna snap and see how she truly treated you.

 

Your self respect is more important than you laying down and being her doormat!