How to be Flirty when you are Shy

[dvsxx6]

Hi everyone,

So I've been told that I'm a naturally funny and outgoing, and [not to be conceited but] a beautiful girl. Luckily I have that going for me. The thing is, I've met 2 guys recently and I am taking an interest in them. When I'm sober I KNOW I'm fun to be around and bubbly but around guys I get so shy!! When I'm drinking, I am so flirtatious and so natural and i Love how I am so free. I feel that I like to go out and meet people but when it actually comes down to the nite I'm going out w/ them, I feel nervous. I know how I could get while drinking and sometimes I act more friendly than usual, and I say things I would normally regret. I am ashamed, especially of Halloweeen, which is when I met one of the guys that I recently met. I think I just want to know how to be friends with guys, be more comfortable.. not feel that all of them just want to get in bed with me.. that would put me at ease than I wouldn't have to feel like such a sex kitten. Maybe this is self imposed?

 

The thing is, I have this guy I've been dating for a year and I really don't like him. I know that is very insensitive but I am insecure in ways that people don't understand why I keep him around. He treats me the way I want to be treated [he cares about my feelings, he puts me before himself, he is just so nurturing and so giving and i love how he is so genuine and caring]. We both have our doubts about each other but he understands that I am with him now and that's all that matters. It is a mutual situation. I feel he's there physically, monetarily, and sexually. He's not my ideal guy and I'm afraid to reach for quality people in my life because I feel so inadequate and shy at times when I'm sober.

 

anyone have ideas? I've told those 2 guys I'll call them to hang out this weekend and I'm not sure of how to be. I know to be myself, but I'm still extremely nervous and I'm actually a very fun person to be around when I'm myself. It just takes time and I don't want to lose them in the mean time. And sometimes I talk stupid when I'm drunk so I'm afraid of that... though one of the guys I did meet saw how flirtatious I could be..

 

And before you say I'm a slut, I'm 21 and I am looking for a monogomous relationship but I'm finding that a LOT of guys I meet are not into that and I have realized that casually dating is a harmless way of meeting people without being completely emotionally attached..

 

Thanks in advance

[annieo]

No you're not a slut. Give yourself a break.In fact, it sounds to me like you are way too hard on yourself, which I think is typical at your age. Don't be so insecure that you rope yourself down to someone you don't particularily care about. Not fair to you or him. At the age of 21 you shouldn't be so afraid of being solo.

You are obviously an attractive girl, or (drunk or not) these guys would not be interested in follow up visits. Give yourself a little time to explore possibilities without feeling like you have to answer to someone.

[dvsxx6]

annieo,

I may be very biased in my response, but thank you so much for agreeing that I'm not a slut. I believe sometimes that I am because I am trying to figure out not only what I want in a man, but who I am as a person and sometimes I am conflicted in what I really want. I believe I am settling for less by being w/ this guy for 1 year and though I do not like him, I enjoy his presence because I am lonely, because I do feel inadequate deep down inside, because I don't really feel like I can measure up to guys who go to college, who have a great personality, who have ambition and goals, etc. I can see that I CAN get along with these guys because I have, but at the same time, because I JUST met them, I feel so scared that BECAUSE they are so desirable to me, they won't want me.. [maybe because I was abused, so inevitably I settle for less] [?]

 

I'll have to disagree with you though, that though these guys do call me back, they may not have the best of intentions for me. That may be because I don't have the greatest self esteem and because I'm pretty, they are more than willing to take advantage of me. I hate this. I need to have more self control.. and sometimes it's hard because.. get this.. and this is my main problem.. : I have anxiety around guys [because I have been through a lot in the past, abuse, sexual abuse, etc] that I use drinking as a crutch so that I would forget about what happened to me, so that I would relax around guys. Drinking helps me some in situations [if I have SOME willpower, which most times I don't, but sometimes it just screws me up the you know where].... and this scares me because I can't be drinking all the time. I need help and I am contemplating whether or not I should drink because drinking bonds people but at the same time, it gets me in trouble because I drink so much to the point where I numb myself to my past issues so I become completely out of control and easy. And this frustrates me because I SHOULD KNOW BETTER..

 

I'm sorry if this is too long winded but I really am in desperate need of help because I feel so alone sometimes.. and when I go to a psychiatrist, I feel they pick at my brain and trigger some unresolved issues that I really feel I do not need to deal with. I feel so emotionally drained even when I am feeling happy going into their office that same day. And it hurts feeling like I'm so isolated.. Being that I am a psychology major myself, I feel that I can help others because of my experiences but at the same time, when my own past issues come to light, I get frustrated and crippled to the point where I become stagnant and very unmotivated and scared of even functioning normally because of my inner inadequacies.......

 

Sorry I'm rambling... I did drink a little bit but this is when I really express myself.. Usually I'd drink where I can't remember but I hope that I can finally resolve my issues that have been eating away at me that I've been harboring inside for a very long time.. Thank you and this is a bit off the tangent... and btw, I'm seeing that guy of 1 year tonite, and in a sense he is my "convenient" man though I hate to admit that.. but I figure, it's either a) be lonely and socially inept, not striving for more because I feel inadequate [EVEN THOUGH deep down inside I KNOW i can meet people because I see myself making people laugh, having a good time, etc even while sober but I feel so scared to take that risk of meeting people or b) be with someone who has this "PSEUDO-LOVE" where, he likes me, even to the point of wanting a future with me [he's spoken of this on many occassions] and I feel badly because I didn't mean for it to go on this long, I just wanted a mutual companionship and it escalated into something beyond my grasp... so yeah... now I am truly conflicted..

 

If anyone reads this and responds, I am indebted to you.. I really need some guidance.. And thank you so much for helping me

[riverbender]

AA

 

Sorry, but it's what I'd suggest - not because of the drinking itself but the reasons you drink - deep seated feelings of inadequacy, not being able to be who you are unless you have alcohol to help you be "yourself", (which isn't the real you btw), fear, etc, etc. You don't even have to sign up or be an AA memeber. Go to any open meeting and when they ask for topics suggest fear. I guarantee you'll hear something that helps you.

 

I stayed with two different men for a total of 19 years because I didn't think I could do much better because I have stretch marks from having two kids.

 

It took me that long to figure out I wanted and deserved more. I am worthy and so are you. Just the way you are. Sober. Shy. Afraid.

 

DO NOTwaste your life settling for less than because you have a distorted view of yourself (and you do). Life's WAY too short for that. You'll wake up one day and be 40 something and not as attractive. Not only that but you'll have fewer good ones to pick from.

 

Take care of yourself.

[annieo]

I can relate to the drinking part. At your age, I also found that I was more relaxed, confident when I had had a few. And now, 20 years later, it is my painkiller/antidpressant of choice. I didn't have abuse issues, but had massive insecurity in my 20's. Like you, I would say that I am pretty and can be quite funny and friendly when I am in the right mood. But the alcohol has undeniably become a crutch, mostly as stress-relief and to numb me from day to day pain (most recently, marital trust issues).

And I am here to tell you, don't go down this path. I would like to change, but after years of habit, it's hard. I don't feel the low self-esteem about my looks/personality that I once did, but now I feel like an idiot for not taking better care of myself. All of the angst you are going through now will resolve in time as you mature and get your feet under you as an adult. Don't give yourself another, real problem to deal with right now.

[Sal Paradise]

Are you exclusive with the guy you've been seeing for a year? If you two are dating each other exclusively you need to break it off with him before you hurt him. Staying with him or leading him on until you find someone else would be using him. That would be wrong and manipulative and could be considered cheating.

 

If you're not exclusive with him you should probably still break if off with since he might think its going somewhere and its obviously not. Once again don't lead him on. You may not feel anything for him but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything for you.

 

I don't know if you need AA as the one person suggested but I would be concerned with why you're drinking. If you're not an alcoholic you could be heading toward becoming one.

[dvsxx6]

riverbender: I stayed with two different men for a total of 19 years because I didn't think I could do much better because I have stretch marks from having two kids.

 

It took me that long to figure out I wanted and deserved more. I am worthy and so are you. Just the way you are. Sober. Shy. Afraid.

 

I'm glad that you realized that you deserve better than what you were putting yourself through. I believe that I'm worthy of good things, but the uncertainty and the fear of the unknown is what's holding me back from trying. Rejection can be so debilitating but it's easier to deal with it if it's just accepted as a part of life and not be so weak and and to rely on alcohol. AA has been an option I've been seriously considering and I think that would be good to work through the problems I've been trying to conceal for so long..I have been settling for less [by dating that guy of a year] and I realize that. He's not what I'm attracted to physically or emotionally.. sometimes physically. I don't know. But in a very strange way, I'm actually okay with it for now because I feel this is a temporary situation and I learn about others as well as myself. Yes, a very distorted perception and very unfair, and that's the only way I justify it. I'm trying to make friends in the mean time [which is somewhat of a struggle] but I'm just trying to make the best out of every situation. Good luck and Thank you for your advice!

 

annieo: But the alcohol has undeniably become a crutch, mostly as stress-relief and to numb me from day to day pain (most recently, marital trust issues).And I am here to tell you, don't go down this path. I would like to change, but after years of habit, it's hard. I don't feel the low self-esteem about my looks/personality that I once did, but now I feel like an idiot for not taking better care of myself.

 

I can imagine that it is hard to break out of the habit of drinking but you are capable of doing it if you really awnt to. It's good to hear that you don't have the low self-esteem anymore, but at the same time it's not fair that you trap yourself in an emotional prison. the problem will never be done unless you forgive yourself and come to terms that you made a mistake and it's okay, you are okay. you are a great human being that is imperfect and always has the opportunity to learn. Take care, and Thank you for your advice!

 

Sal Paradise: Are you exclusive with the guy you've been seeing for a year? If you two are dating each other exclusively you need to break it off with him before you hurt him. Staying with him or leading him on until you find someone else would be using him. That would be wrong and manipulative and could be considered cheating.

 

He believes we are exclusive, and in my mind we are not. I believe that we are dating each other, he thinks we are boyfriend/girlfriend. I think in a lot of ways I'm using him but I find what we have as a mutual using. hah. how bad does that sound... well for him it's more of a emotional attachment but for me I guess I'm more the user. I feel like I'm the guy of the relationship and I feel cold when I use him but because we are both lonely people, we have each other. I like him because he is secure financially [he's not the brightest guy, but he makes a lot of money], and he is an extremely hard worker. I honestly believe I drink A LOT because I'm with him! I am 5'1, 100 Lbs and I drink [and i'm not kidding..] 10-15 beers when I'm with him.. and it's because I probably don't like him. Myabe I don't have any alcohol problem.. maybe I just have a him problem... *sigh* Anyway, gota go to school now. Take care and Thanks for your response!

[Sal Paradise]

I

He believes we are exclusive, and in my mind we are not. I believe that we are dating each other, he thinks we are boyfriend/girlfriend. I think in a lot of ways I'm using him but I find what we have as a mutual using. hah. how bad does that sound... well for him it's more of a emotional attachment but for me I guess I'm more the user. I feel like I'm the guy of the relationship and I feel cold when I use him but because we are both lonely people, we have each other. I like him because he is secure financially [he's not the brightest guy, but he makes a lot of money], and he is an extremely hard worker. I honestly believe I drink A LOT because I'm with him! I am 5'1, 100 Lbs and I drink [and i'm not kidding..] 10-15 beers when I'm with him.. and it's because I probably don't like him. Myabe I don't have any alcohol problem.. maybe I just have a him problem... *sigh* Anyway, gota go to school now. Take care and Thanks for your response!

 

You need to break up with him. You're using him for his money and whatever else you get out of it. You may not like him but that doesn't make it ok to hurt this guy while you look for a replacement. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel? Also you shouldn't blame him for your drinking, that something else addicts like to do. They say "you're the reason I drink" or "I wouldn't drink if...".

 

I don't mean this as a personal attack but you sound like a very immature person who has a lot of growing up to do.

[dvsxx6]

Sal Paradise: Your comment made me seem like a gold digger. Lol. I'm not entirely bad. but I do agree what I'm doing isn't morally right. I didn't have bad intentions at first, but I think now I'm just not caring about his feelings as much [though I still do in some ways]. I have been strung along in the past too, which sucks even more, which is why I shouldn't be doing this. Sure I have a lot of growing up to do, I have a lot to learn. He is alrite with things going on, apparently if he's staying this long. I used to be a a great girlfriend, cater to bfs in the past, be dedicated and loving, loyal, trustworthy, supportive, etc. But after realizing many guys my age do not want this, [i am 21.. and most guys in my age range are too occupied with partying or whatever else] , I've decided to take things lightly & not be as serious when it comes to dating because I fall in like/love very quickly. So I just figured why not just casually date.. it's a better way for me to get to know people without feeling very emotionally attached to them. [cause that's how I get usually.. which creates a problem]. SO that's basically what I'm doing. I should be the bigger person and walk away but right now I don't feel strong enough to, so in the mean time I am just tryin to make new friends and just live my life.. If he's in it, then that's fine and if he's not then I'll have to deal. I admire his qualities [that he is a hard worker, like the other nite we only had 1 hour of sleep after a hard nite of partying and he went to work for 9 hours.. he's an elevator technician and I truly admire his strength and work ethic]. So there are some things that I do like about him, but I just wish there were more

 

There are several people that have been talking w/ me lately.. just getting acquainted w/ people but I am a shy person sometimes. So when I'm around them I get a lil quiet, and I can't really be myself. That's why I like mic [the 1 yr guy] because I feel comfortable around him and I can genuinely be myself around him.. I know other people would like me too but I hate that feeling of uneasyness when you're first meeting someone new.. and you dont know how they are as a person.. etc.. I'm just waay too hard on myself..

 

Anyway, thanks for your opinion, even though I know exactly where you're coming from [i've told myself to do the right thing too, but it's easier not to when things are so convenient].. and btw, like I said, I drink 10-16 beers when I'm with him. With no one else. I guess bc I'm more aware of my anxiety when I'm out with other people and I'd like to be more sober so that I'm still in control of my words, my actions, etc. But I feel in some ways I do have a strong alcohol addiction regardless. When I'm with him it's just completely out of control..

[dvsxx6]

*update*

The 1 yr guy and I are taking a break.. I told him I wanted a break and he said "a break is broken up, and I'm not coming back" and in a way I'm hugely relieved because now I don't have to pretend I like him, but in other ways I feel scared to be alone and I'm afraid that I won't be able to make any more friends or meet other guys.

 

Earlier tonite for example, a friend that I made the other day asked me if I wanted to hang out downstairs of my apartment. So I did, and I just felt so boring and dull for some reason. I'm just hard on myself and I get extremely nervous around guys, period.. and I think he could tell... I am so afraid of being alone in this world.. and I sometimes feel like I dont know how it is to be a good friend.. *sigh*.. this is really scary...

[Cobra_X30]

Your on the right path!

 

To be happy in life you must take risks! Some will work out, some wont. Dont let fear rule your choices.

 

For what it's worth. I think your going to be just fine, and I think you did the right thing!

 

Best of Luck!

[dvsxx6]

Cobra_X30Your on the right path!

 

To be happy in life you must take risks! Some will work out, some wont. Dont let fear rule your choices.

 

For what it's worth. I think your going to be just fine, and I think you did the right thing!

 

Best of Luck!

 

I know in my heart I made the right choice of finally breaking it off with him. My selfishness and lonliness is my problem that I need to resolve and I shouldn't let him suffer with me. He is hurt that we can't be together and I made him realize that alcohol was the only thing that bonded us. He at first didn't realize that but I guess he was just hoping and wishing for something more for us in the future.

 

This is the 2nd day I'm not drinking.. and it's a miracle!!! I can't believe I didn't drink last nite AND I'm not going to drink tonite. That is a huge thing for me cause right now I'd be out partying and having a good time. But I can't think about it too hard because the temptation is still a bit strong. I'm just trying to turn my life around and I think right now is a good time to start.. one day at a time..

 

Thanks for your encouraging response It's easy to let fear run my life esp. since I don't feel properly equipped in some aspects.. but I'll make it through somehow..

[JCD]

A lot of people on this site mention drinking alcohol and don't realize that alcohol is a problem and it's hiding something else deep inside that needs to be worked out. In your case it is shyness and being afraid/anxious of meeting and talking to people. I was like you, and what helped me tremendously was talking to as many people as possible about anything. At first I felt like I had nothing good to offer to people and felt embarrassed by my ramblings but I after a while I made people laugh. I also connected with them on emotional level, understanding their problems in life and relating to them. I also noticed that my view of the people and the world changed overtime. At first I was guarded and easily irritated and/or angry at the world and then I became easy going and go happy kind of a guy. I think the irritation and angriness stemmed from my own frustration with my shyness and insecurity. After I overcame that I felt at ease and don't feel the anxiety anymore. I'm more sure of myself, know where I stand with people and what I want out of life. It took me two years to change and I'm still working toward improving myself.

 

I also realized that you can't please everyone and that you won't make connection with some people while you will with others. Breaking it off with your boyfriend was a the right decision even though you are now lonely. Being lonely is necessary to find your center and know who you are. I think dating is fine as long as both parties know what the other one wants. I also realized that people mature overtime and their tastes in people or things change. Allow yourself to grow. Also, I'm one of those that fall in love really fast and hard. It's a mistake to do so, and now I'm taking it easy. Getting to know the person and slowing down the interactions with them. Overtime, people reveal a lot about themselves and all this info helps me to decide if they're keeper or not. In the past I would fall in love and then would overlook the person's red flags. Good luck and get out there.