How do I get my life back on track?

[shadowplay]

My story is a long one, but I'd be extremely grateful to those who read it and offer some thoughtful advice on my situation.

 

Basically my life has slowly unraveled over the last few years. It started midway through college when I fell into a deep depression over being isolated from other people.

 

I had a group of close girlfriends at the beginning of college and they all stopped talking to me one day without explanation. This was the third time I had gone through such an experience (twice as an adolescent/child, and one time included severe verbal and physical abuse that has scarred me to this day). As I had high hopes for making a fresh start in college, that initial rejection completely disillusioned me. I stopped trying to make friends, especially with girls. I accidentally acquired a few guy friends but they never lasted because they usually ended up liking me and turning into lovers. Then when we broke up the friendship was lost. I just hopped from guy to guy, using them as emotional support even though I often wasn't that romantically interested in them. I clung to these guys without branching out and meeting other people.

 

Meanwhile I grew extremely depressed and agoraphobic (afraid of going out and being in public). I took a medical leave. When I returned I was even more socially isolated. I find it's nearly impossible to break into well established social groups, especially for somebody as shy as I am. Again, my academics suffered and I was suspended for a year and a half. Unfortunately the time away only made me more depressed. Finally I returned, barely scraping by my first semester back and not finishing enough credits the second semester. Even though I was close to graduating I was kicked out for earning too few credits. That was almost a year ago. I felt like my life was over. I had just thrown away a degree at an extremely prestigious school and (I felt) my future with it.

 

Now I must transfer to another school and endure another year and a half since most schools have a maximum number of credits they transfer. Plus I would be years older than everyone else (I'm now 24) because of all the time I took off/was suspended.

 

I came back home to live with my parents and earn credits through continuing ed courses at nearby schools. (I met my current bf in one of the classes.) I've been preparing a portfolio because I'm considering transferring to art school. I'm hoping to apply to a few schools for the spring semester in Dec but I'm not even sure if that's going to happen because I owe my last school a huge amount of money and the school is refusing to release my official transcript until it's paid off. The money is way too much for me to pay off even with a job, and I doubt I could take out any loans since my credit is shoddy. So I'm relying on a loan from my parents, but their financial situation is also bad. If that is paid off in time, I'm hoping to go to school in NY (I'm applying to two schools there). But even that is uncertain because it may be too expensive. I'm also conflicted about whether I should go to art school or just finish at a regular college so I can graduate sooner. Eventually I'd like to go to graduate school, but that seems like the distant future.

 

I owe my best friend (and ex) a huge amount of money because he took out a credit card a year and a half ago to help me pay for college. He barely talks to me anymore because of this -- I don't blame him. I still owe him a huge chunk of the loan and I feel terrible about it. I have a small source of income online that brings in a few hundred dollars a month, but otherwise no job. I schedule interviews constantly with temp agencies and then cancel them because I'm terrified of going in for some reason. I have this excrutiating anxiety about interviews. I know I'm being a horrible friend, but I can't seem to get over this anxiety and avoidant behavior. It's like I have absolutely no motivation.

 

So right now I've lost my best friend and I only have two other friends, both of whom are guys and now live far away (I only talk to them online). One is an ex who turned out to be gay and now uses me to complain to about his problems. I've kept him in my life because I'm so lonely. My only real social life at the moment is my bf (and his friends), and I only see him on weekends because he lives in NY. During the week I end up feeling empty and miserable.

 

I also know our relationship won't endure unless by some miracle I get out of this funk and develop more of a life. I've managed to not rely on him at all for emotional support and hide most of my problems from him (he doesn't even know the reason I "left" school), but that just feels dishonest and it's only a matter of time before they all come spilling out. Frankly I'm amazed we've lasted this long -- I must be doing something right. The way I come across with him is very different from how I am on these boards. I'm generally good at disguising my problems. Even though I really love him, and he's the first guy I've ever loved, I'm almost tempted to break things off preemptively to avoid the inevitable crash and burn.

 

There are several reasons. I feel like his presence in my life is making me complacent about fixing my problems and meeting new people. I also know that our relationship is almost certainly headed for doom when all my problems come to a head (I can only hide them for so long). In a way I also feel like our relationship is based on dishonesty since he knows very little about my problems and it would be weird to suddenly reveal all of them to him after four months. I already see the thunderclouds gathering but feel powerless to stop them from breaking. The one good thing is he's in a situation similar to mine. He's about the same age and also still in school because he left his first college.

 

I was seeing a therapist for about three months up until recently. I started missing appts (I have a huge problem sticking to commitments), and I also found she wasn't helping me. She was nice and intelligent but extremely passive. She listened to my problems and asked questions but rarely offered any advice. I told her on several occasions that I need a more proactive approach with concrete solutions about how to fix some of my bad behaviors. She agreed that this was a good idea, but then never actually followed through on my proposal. Now I have no idea how to find a new therapist . I'm on antidepressants and they help somewhat, but also make me more complacent in a weird way.

 

So the main problem areas in my life are depression, bad habits, lack of job, and lack of social life. I know how to get a job (I've just been avoiding it), but the other problems confound me.

 

For example, I'm desperate to meet people and make friends but I have no idea how to go about doing it and my past experience makes me feel like any effort is doomed from the get-go. Where would I go about meeting people my age? There's nobody my age in the class I'm taking now (all older), and it seems like most clubs/meetups are also geared toward older, single people. Making friends is one of those things that's nearly impossible to do if you're completely out of the loop. It's fairly easy if you have a few connections, but those first few connections are the hardest to come by.

 

My life feels so empty and meaningless right now. It's like I'm at a standstill and the world is just passing me by. Suicidal thoughts often cross my mind, but I know I could never act on them because I'm too afraid of annihilation and I couldn't bear the guilt of what it would do to my family.

 

Thanks for listening, and sorry that this post is such a huge downer. It was really hard for me to write.

[Ocean-Blue]

Wow. That took a lot of courage to write down...I admire that.

 

I can totally relate to some of the things you've said. So I sort of know where you're coming from. Have you considered trying to find a new therapist? Perhaps you can shop around and find one that suits your needs and goals?

 

Also, I think you should begin to open up to your bf. I remember reading in other threads about your satisfaction with your current beau. Do not self sabotage because you think you know what will happen. He has no clue what is going on...which is precisely why he can't be there to help you. You need to be honest with him and let him decide if he wants to stick around to provide you with a support system.

 

I hear you about not wanting him to be a crutch. But why do you think being with him has further exacerbated your current situation? Again, he can't do much to fix the problem if he isn't even aware of it. You have to let go of some of your fears and let this person in. If it's not him, it'll be some other guy, no?

 

I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life as of late. I'm in school, am accumulating massive debt because of the program I'm in, feeling unmotivated to do much and find myself crying for no apparent reason. I saw a therapist last year (it was to discuss my previous relationship), but that totally didn't help (he just sat there and took notes). I need to find myself a better therapist.

 

We all need a little guidance sometimes. They provide us with the tools with which to create the kind of life we desire. But it is ultimately up to us, your boyfriend, your family, your education...these are mere tools - it is up to you to go get what you want.

 

As for the friends bit...women can be very catty and immature. Start slowly to reintegrate yourself back into the social loop. Join interest-specific groups, meet people online (that live in your area), go to book readings... Do whatever. The point is, get out there and start making connections. Sometimes, it's just a matter of getting up and doing it.

 

I hope you find a better therapist!

[oppath]

With therapists, you have to find the right one. It took me 4-5 over a couple different years on and off before I found one that helped at all. What I learned from the experience, of course, was what questions to ask and who to look for.

 

This past summer I lucked out and found someone perfect. I was actually reading a book in the lobby I brought, it was a libertarian/objectivism book on self esteem, and my therapist knew all about it and referred me to other sources. That was lucky. I found someone who could work with my life philosophies.

 

But you can't rely on luck. You need to decide "this does not feel like it is working." that does not mean therapy is not working, it just means that you don't have a match with your therapist.

[shadowplay]

With therapists, you have to find the right one. It took me 4-5 over a couple different years on and off before I found one that helped at all. What I learned from the experience, of course, was what questions to ask and who to look for.

 

This past summer I lucked out and found someone perfect. I was actually reading a book in the lobby I brought, it was a libertarian/objectivism book on self esteem, and my therapist knew all about it and referred me to other sources. That was lucky. I found someone who could work with my life philosophies.

 

But you can't rely on luck. You need to decide "this does not feel like it is working." that does not mean therapy is not working, it just means that you don't have a match with your therapist.

 

How do you find a therapist, though? Where do you get referrals? I could always just go down the list of providers on my insurance plan but it seems like there should be a better approach.

[shadowplay]

Wow. That took a lot of courage to write down...I admire that.

 

I can totally relate to some of the things you've said. So I sort of know where you're coming from. Have you considered trying to find a new therapist? Perhaps you can shop around and find one that suits your needs and goals?

 

Also, I think you should begin to open up to your bf. I remember reading in other threads about your satisfaction with your current beau. Do not self sabotage because you think you know what will happen. He has no clue what is going on...which is precisely why he can't be there to help you. You need to be honest with him and let him decide if he wants to stick around to provide you with a support system.

 

I hear you about not wanting him to be a crutch. But why do you think being with him has further exacerbated your current situation? Again, he can't do much to fix the problem if he isn't even aware of it. You have to let go of some of your fears and let this person in. If it's not him, it'll be some other guy, no?

 

I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life as of late. I'm in school, am accumulating massive debt because of the program I'm in, feeling unmotivated to do much and find myself crying for no apparent reason. I saw a therapist last year (it was to discuss my previous relationship), but that totally didn't help (he just sat there and took notes). I need to find myself a better therapist.

 

We all need a little guidance sometimes. They provide us with the tools with which to create the kind of life we desire. But it is ultimately up to us, your boyfriend, your family, your education...these are mere tools - it is up to you to go get what you want.

 

As for the friends bit...women can be very catty and immature. Start slowly to reintegrate yourself back into the social loop. Join interest-specific groups, meet people online (that live in your area), go to book readings... Do whatever. The point is, get out there and start making connections. Sometimes, it's just a matter of getting up and doing it.

 

I hope you find a better therapist!

 

Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it. I'm conflicted about opening up to my bf because I don't want to burden him with my problems. Usually when one party does this it seems to damage the relationship. Perhaps I will reveal them to him piecemeal.

 

I guess the main reason I'm tempted to break up is the fear that our relationship will crash and burn if I don't end things now. It's hard for me to believe it is going so well when everything else in my life is so bad. Eventually the cosmic forces have to even things out. I feel like a little kid who pushes all the mess in his room beneath the bed so his mother can't see it. Also, as you said, I'm kind of using him as a crutch to avoid dealing with my problems. But then again he IS the only good thing in my life right now, and I would feel devestated to lose him. I just don't know what's best for me.

[Ocean-Blue]

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. I'm conflicted about opening up to my bf because I don't want to burden him with my problems. Usually when one party does this it seems to damage the relationship. Perhaps I will reveal them to him piecemeal.

 

I guess the main reason I'm tempted to break up is the fear that our relationship will crash and burn if I don't end things now. It's hard for me to believe it is going so well when everything else in my life is so bad. Eventually the cosmic forces have to even things out. I feel like a little kid who pushes all the mess in his room beneath the bed so his mother can't see it. Also, as you said, I'm kind of using him as a crutch to avoid dealing with my problems. But then again he IS the only good thing in my life right now, and I would feel devestated to lose him. I just don't know what's best for me.

 

Isn't this the same guy that suggested you move in with him? Now while you may not be ready to take that step, it clearly shows that he's serious about you and wants to take things further. Surely that means he's willing to listen? Why do you automatically think it'll damage the relationship? It may bring you closer together.

 

Seeing as how you have been dealing with these issues for a while, you are going to have to tell your bf. In the event that it is received negatively...well he and you weren't good together in the first place. My point is, find out now rather than later. When you are in a relationship, your partner should be able to provide you with some emotional support, otherwise you are mere friends with benefits. It's a great idea to tell him bit by bit rather than overwhelm him with it all at once.

 

He is not a crutch shadow - YOU ARE. You need to realize that things are in your control. Do not push him away because you've predetermined that things will inevitably be damaged because you reveal your issues. Talking to him is an ideal first step in dealing with your issues. You need to trust him enough to know that he's not going to bolt at the sign of trouble. And if he does...well, he's no good for you.

 

I'm all for a woman being independent and self sufficient...but I also believe that a healthy couple shares and communicates. Only then can your relationship truly progress.

 

The fact that you've written this all out suggests that you are ready to deal with some of your issues.

[oppath]

Well, it depends. Do you know enough about the different types of psychotherapy to identify what type would best benefit your problems?

 

I had self image and dating issues, both cognitively and behaviorally. Therefore, I needed cognitive behavioral therapy. I did not know this in my young 20's. I realized it later through some self research. It was a night-vs-day experience. Within 2-3 sessions with someone trained in CBT, I was thinking better about myself and behaving more efficient/successfully in flirting/dating situations. I was taking more risks.

 

I needed someone to teach me how to change my thoughts, how to recognize them when they were irrational, and once my thoughts were changing, to take behavioral risks that weren't overwhelming.

 

Some of my early therapists just said "I want you to ask out 3 women by our next session" completely ignoring the fact that I'd have panick attacks when trying to do something, and my self thoughts were "I'm a piece of **** loser I can't do this but anyone else can" in the moment. For me, a CBT therapist taught me how to recognize those thoughts as irrational, so I was in those moments I was not incapicitated, and when I took risks even if I were rejected I did not catastrophize it as a failure. I needed someone to train me on the cognitive part.

 

So now, I call and I ask "what is your training?" Psychoanalysis where they listen to me talk? Or are they behavioral? I interview them. I go down my insurance provider list and ask for biographical information or a 5 minute phone consultation.

 

My personal belief is that anyone going to therapy the first time should start in CBT, and once they've learned some of those skills, use psychoanalyis, gestalt, etc. I think the most important thing is no matter what your problems, to think more rationally about them first, and make changes in your behaviors. After positive changes are made it is useful to explore things in your childhood, abandonment issues, etc, but learning how to cope is the first step.

[Ocean-Blue]

Well, it depends. Do you know enough about the different types of psychotherapy to identify what type would best benefit your problems?

 

I had self image and dating issues, both cognitively and behaviorally. Therefore, I needed cognitive behavioral therapy. I did not know this in my young 20's. I realized it later through some self research. It was a night-vs-day experience. Within 2-3 sessions with someone trained in CBT, I was thinking better about myself and behaving more efficient/successfully in flirting/dating situations. I was taking more risks.

 

I needed someone to teach me how to change my thoughts, how to recognize them when they were irrational, and once my thoughts were changing, to take behavioral risks that weren't overwhelming.

 

Some of my early therapists just said "I want you to ask out 3 women by our next session" completely ignoring the fact that I'd have panick attacks when trying to do something, and my self thoughts were "I'm a piece of **** loser I can't do this but anyone else can" in the moment. For me, a CBT therapist taught me how to recognize those thoughts as irrational, so I was in those moments I was not incapicitated, and when I took risks even if I were rejected I did not catastrophize it as a failure. I needed someone to train me on the cognitive part.

 

So now, I call and I ask "what is your training?" Psychoanalysis where they listen to me talk? Or are they behavioral? I interview them. I go down my insurance provider list and ask for biographical information or a 5 minute phone consultation.

 

My personal belief is that anyone going to therapy the first time should start in CBT, and once they've learned some of those skills, use psychoanalyis, gestalt, etc. I think the most important thing is no matter what your problems, to think more rationally about them first, and make changes in your behaviors. After positive changes are made it is useful to explore things in your childhood, abandonment issues, etc, but learning how to cope is the first step.

 

Very informative and helpful oppath!

[shadowplay]

Well, it depends. Do you know enough about the different types of psychotherapy to identify what type would best benefit your problems?

 

I had self image and dating issues, both cognitively and behaviorally. Therefore, I needed cognitive behavioral therapy. I did not know this in my young 20's. I realized it later through some self research. It was a night-vs-day experience. Within 2-3 sessions with someone trained in CBT, I was thinking better about myself and behaving more efficient/successfully in flirting/dating situations. I was taking more risks.

 

I needed someone to teach me how to change my thoughts, how to recognize them when they were irrational, and once my thoughts were changing, to take behavioral risks that weren't overwhelming.

 

Some of my early therapists just said "I want you to ask out 3 women by our next session" completely ignoring the fact that I'd have panick attacks when trying to do something, and my self thoughts were "I'm a piece of **** loser I can't do this but anyone else can" in the moment. For me, a CBT therapist taught me how to recognize those thoughts as irrational, so I was in those moments I was not incapicitated, and when I took risks even if I were rejected I did not catastrophize it as a failure. I needed someone to train me on the cognitive part.

 

So now, I call and I ask "what is your training?" Psychoanalysis where they listen to me talk? Or are they behavioral? I interview them. I go down my insurance provider list and ask for biographical information or a 5 minute phone consultation.

 

My personal belief is that anyone going to therapy the first time should start in CBT, and once they've learned some of those skills, use psychoanalyis, gestalt, etc. I think the most important thing is no matter what your problems, to think more rationally about them first, and make changes in your behaviors. After positive changes are made it is useful to explore things in your childhood, abandonment issues, etc, but learning how to cope is the first step.

 

Thanks, I will actually try doing that tomorrow, and I'll tell you guys how it goes. You've inspired me!

[squeak]

Well the good news is you are eloquent and knowledgeable of yourself, your motives, and implications of actions. You'll be just fine.

 

For friends, you can't rush it or make it happen, merely being open and taking it very slow, evaluating them for sharing of the same values is the best way to go.

 

Don't turn away from friendships with older people, friendship comes in many different forms, and that is not a good basis to evaluate or reject someone on.

 

A few different issues:

- the fear of taking the temp jobs won't go away, you need to force yourself and you'll feel so much better once you pay your friend back. Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone is imperative, or it will spiral and get worse.

 

- don't worry about appearing a certain way to your BF, if you ask me, men kind of like it when a woman is not a precise perfection machine, makes them feel needed.

Maybe he can be your shoulder to lean on when you need it. You need to try this at some point.

 

-School-I've never heard of a school holding on to transcripts because you owe them money. I believe that is illegal.

They may not have to re-enroll you-but they have to send out the transcripts.

 

Can you talk to higher authorities than just the desk people there? Don't accept that, or try to work out something to appease them so you can get what you need.

 

-Go back to school full time as soon as possible, don't waste another year. Yes-you will be in debt like everyone else. There is no avoiding that. Education is expensive, but what are the alternatives???

 

Side note: some of the most interesting people I know did not have a straight and narrow path either. You seem to know what you are doing, and the depression will be controllable if you can find some things you excel at and enjoy. The decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life, so get moving! You may have to fight for it and face every fear that has been holding you back, there is no getting around it. And you will need to rally up all the help you can get, BF, therapist, LS?

[shadowplay]

Well the good news is you are eloquent and knowledgeable of yourself, your motives, and implications of actions. You'll be just fine.

 

For friends, you can't rush it or make it happen, merely being open and taking it very slow, evaluating them for sharing of the same values is the best way to go.

 

Don't turn away from friendships with older people, friendship comes in many different forms, and that is not a good basis to evaluate or reject someone on.

 

A few different issues:

- the fear of taking the temp jobs won't go away, you need to force yourself and you'll feel so much better once you pay your friend back. Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone is imperative, or it will spiral and get worse.

 

- don't worry about appearing a certain way to your BF, if you ask me, men kind of like it when a woman is not a precise perfection machine, makes them feel needed.

Maybe he can be your shoulder to lean on when you need it. You need to try this at some point.

 

-School-I've never heard of a school holding on to transcripts because you owe them money. I believe that is illegal.

They may not have to re-enroll you-but they have to send out the transcripts.

 

Can you talk to higher authorities than just the desk people there? Don't accept that, or try to work out something to appease them so you can get what you need.

 

-Go back to school full time as soon as possible, don't waste another year. Yes-you will be in debt like everyone else. There is no avoiding that. Education is expensive, but what are the alternatives???

 

Side note: some of the most interesting people I know did not have a straight and narrow path either. You seem to know what you are doing, and the depression will be controllable if you can find some things you excel at and enjoy. The decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life, so get moving! You may have to fight for it and face every fear that has been holding you back, there is no getting around it. And you will need to rally up all the help you can get, BF, therapist, LS?

 

Thanks, Squeak. That's great advice. Since writing this post I've already been putting more effort in and feeling a bit better. I still could probably be doing more, though.

 

The good news is a I called a bunch of therapists and scheduled two consultation appts for next week. One of the therapists especially impressed me over the phone. He was somewhat aggressive but in a good way. He also said behavioral is his specialty. In the past I've always seen women but now I'm considering the possibility of seeing a male therapist since they may be less passive. I'll let you guys know how the appts go.